Ask Me Help Desk - I'm married to my children's mother...

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Originally Posted by DsprtCfsd

No, I don't use that language with my wife and children. I could really care less if you accept my sincere apology or not and really don't expect you to apologize for your rudeness but I can tell that because of how I offended you that your opinion of me and my issues are skewed so I would appreciate it if you stopped.

By the way, you were rude and judgemental of me way before I even used that abbreviation so using that as an excuse is null and void.

You come on this site ASK for help, then YOU get rude and dictate who can answer and what they can answer... Sorry, but if you had taken the time to read the terms of service you agreed to and the site rules you would have known this.

You get the advice you NEED to hear... not what you want to hear... if you only want a pat on the back... you go to your friends... you want unbiased advice you come here.

I didn't even participate in this thread and I'm offended by the way you disparage respected and knowledgeable members.

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Originally Posted by DsprtCfsd

By the way, you were rude and judgemental of me way before I even used that abbreviation so using that as an excuse is null and void.

I'm going to step in here because I was incensed about this remark. First, I didn't see any rudeness from Judy, but I did see rudeness from you. As for being judgmental, isn't that what you are asking us to be? This question is all about asking our opinions of your situation. You are asking us to make judgments based on what you have told us. But when you don't like those judgments you complain and tell us our opinions are worthless. That is very rude.

You started here by expressing your appreciation for this site, but you end up criticizing members just because you don't like how they respond. That says to me that you may be intractable, self-centered, paranoid and controlling. So it doesn't surprise me that counseling failed.

I think this starts and ends with you. I think you built expectations of a romantic night with your wife in your mind WITHOUT EVER CONSULTING HER. So you became miffed when she didn't have the same feelings she did. So I agree you need to pursue individual counseling to get to understand yourself better before you can successfully use counselling to deal woth your issues with your wife.

Your problem is not so much your kids but you and your wife's relationship.
Not having sex in 3 months is not about the kids, cause if both of you want to have sex you will find a why to have it.
You two can talk to someone about how to get your child to bed at night, but you two need to decide whether you want to continue your present relationship or work on your marriage.
You might also try to deal with the problem between you and your stepdaughter. Both parents ought to be on the same page and there is no reason she cannot babysit every now and then, but that is not going to happen if you and the step daughter have issues.

I apologized for what Judy was offended by and I did go back through and read through all of the responses and I agree I was being rude. Not going to make excuses for my responses, I was wrong.

I'll try to answer the questions that were all in this post to help clear things up. We do talk about our sex life, or the lack there of. We both agree that there is a problem and we both need to try harder to make time.

I didn't drive to her parents because I made the decision to not have to get up even earlier in the morning and drive an hour and 40 minutes to work the next day. That was my decision, I accept that.

The assumption from our previous conversation that she wasn't going to her parents that night was mine. I misunderstood what she meant. When she told me she was going to bring the kids home the next day I took that as she was going to come home and pick up the kids the next day. Another example of where we (or I) can improve in communicating.

Still not sure where the anger comment came from. That was not my intention in my initial post. I only mentioned the biological father was incarcerated to convey that he has been out of her life, her whole life so far. I didn't intend offense. My wife has been very open with our daughter about where she came from and who her biological father is so yes, she has known for quite some time.

Mother in-law has been an issue in the past but our relationship has gotten better over the time of my wife and I's marriage. My daughter and I's problems, well I am/do try to work on them and no, I don't blame her for where we are today.

When I posted that I have never really “felt comfortable around our eldest…” I didn't mean that I haven't shown affection. It just has been hard for me, I don't know why. My previous excuse is just that, an excuse to hide behind. I know that, it's hard for me and I am very sensitive about how I have failed her over these years.

My wife didn't force me to spank our daughter. Our daughter was being outrageously disrespectful to my wife and I of course was upset. I can handle her being disrespectful to me, it hurts but I handle it. I told my wife that she needs a spanking if she's talking to her that way and in return my wife told me to go right ahead and spank her. I did just that, spanked. Do I regret it, yes and not because CPS got involved. I treated her like the little child that she was acting like instead of treating her as a tween as she should have been treated. Just another mistake in my involvement in raising our daughter, chalk up another regret.

The only thing bruised and hurt was her pride which is exactly why she told one of her teachers. As I was told by CPS, it is the teacher's legal responsibility to report any claim to CPS no matter what. As I said earlier, there were no bruises, CPS did come by and talked to us, and they found the report as inconclusive and dismissed it

Judy I only asked you to take it private messages because I didn't want a bunch of argument to litter the thread. I understand if working out our differences is not possible, I've offended you and you are upset, rightfully so.

Sorry, good night, and thank you everyone for your advice. Even if I don't agree, it all has been very insightful.

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Originally Posted by DsprtCfsd

Sorry, good night, and thank you everyone for your advice. Even if I don’t agree, it all has been very insightful.

This is how we work here. We give the best advice we can based on what we are told coupled with our own knowledge and experience. We often have to read between the lines and sometimes our responses are not what the OP was looking for or expecting. But that's part of the value of this site. We hold up a mirror that lets OPs see themselves as others see them. And that can be "insightful" and helpful, if that view is listened to.

Got any guy friends, that you can go fishing with,or pal around with? At some point you have to remove yourself from the problem, and let you hair down so the brain can reboot. The emotional dust has to settle, the stress has to be relieved.

That's what most guys do when you have a second female in your house smelling herself and exerting that kind of power. Your wife is a wimp, and you are her enabler. Step aside and let those two battle for woman of the house, may the best female win.

Maybe a few days in the woods will grow some hair on your chest, and you take your house back from them both. I have just never heard of a teen ager telling the parents what she will and won't do, and maybe you both need some parenting skills guidance.

Sorry to be harsh here friend, but your behavior is unacceptable, in light of your total lack of control over YOUR house. Now go fishing for 3 days and gain peace, and start saying what you mean, and mean what you say, and let them both be PO"d for a while. You don't spank a 15 year old, you slowly remove things she cherishes the most until she figures out you mean real business.

May take a while, but you do have plenty of time to get your meaning across to your woman of so many years. I mean if the king of the castle ain't happy, why is everyone else not making him happy? Get out of the house and take some YOU time. You would be surprised at how that gesture you make for yourself will change your thinking. Bet you don't even have a man cave do you?

Thanks talaniman, the insight and advise is appreciated. I can definitely agree on the woods or fishing with friends. I could use some spin down time with friends. My alone time with friends is less frequent than my date nights with the wife. In a coyple months rifle deer season starts here and for once in 10the years I'm taking a full week away from civilization with my dad, brother and brother in-law. I hope the time away will do my wife, kids and I some good.

Not that it makes the incident better but she was 12 at the time. I have more recently stepped back and had my wife deal with the teen issues. I'll just have ro take another couple steps and see how my wife fares.

I apologize, I'm answering this on my phone so I'll continue my comments when I get back home. Me, my son and my youngest daughter were banished from the house today because our eldest's 15 is actually today and she's having a huge sleep over. To many kids in my house for me not to go crazy so I'm fine spending a night away :)

Don't let resentments screw with your attitude and even good kids can be rather trying. Hate to say it but you are just getting started good. The others kids will be teens before you know it.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Don't let resentments screw with your attitude and even good kids can be rather trying. Hate to say it but you are just getting started good. The others kids will be teens before you know it.

Honestly my attitude at home has improved 10 fold since coming to this site. The insight that is offered in my thread and others that are similar to what I am experiencing has helped tremendously. Even some of the advice I had gotten that seemed offensive initially has me looking at things sideways and opened my eyes to certain things so everyone has been very helpful.

My wife and I have a date night this coming weekend at a seafood restaurant that I have been wanting to take her to for awhile now to celebrate our 8th anniversary. We're both so excited you would think we were going on our first date.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for the insight, opening my eyes, advice, whatever.

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Originally Posted by DsprtCfsd

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for the insight, opening my eyes, advice, whatever.

Aww, let us know how it goes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DsprtCfsd

Honestly my attitude at home has improved 10 fold since coming to this site. The insight that is offered in my thread and others that are similar to what I am experiencing has helped tremendously. Even some of the advice I had gotten that seemed offensive initially has me looking at things sideways and opened my eyes to certain things so everyone has been very helpful.

My wife and I have a date night this coming weekend at a seafood restaurant that I have been wanting to take her to for awhile now to celebrate our 8th anniversary. We're both so excited you would think we were going on our first date.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for the insight, opening my eyes, advice, whatever.

In a way you ARE going on your first date - this is really great news.

Let us know!

A lot of people come on here, don't like the advice, only want to hear their own voice, argue and protest, stomp off, stomp back. You are truly the exception - you sorted through, listened and understood (sometimes it takes a couple of times before you know where people are coming from), "manned" up. I give you a LOT of credit. I truly do.

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Originally Posted by DsprtCfsd

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for the insight, opening my eyes, advice, whatever.

Like I said before, you seemed more lost than anything else. I am glad you finding your way. I hope your night out goes great.

Best wishes to you and your wife on your Anniversary. May it be the start of a great year. :)

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

In a way you ARE going on your first date - this is really great news.

Let us know!

A lot of people come on here, don't like the advice, only want to hear their own voice, argue and protest, stomp off, stomp back. You are truly the exception - you sorted through, listened and understood (sometimes it takes a couple of times before you know where people are coming from), "manned" up. I give you a LOT of credit. I truly do.

Thank you, I truly appreciate it. You honestly brought a happy tear to my eye seeing this considering how rude I was to you before. Thank you Judy.

Cat, it's you and all the others on this sight that have been my guiding light to bring me back (so to say) and I definitely appreciate it.

I will definitely continue to update everyone to the progress that I make no matter my relationship with my wife or our eldest. Even though I do have some friends to confide in, sometimes you need that knock upside the head to understand what is or isn't being done the right way. Thank you. Love too all.

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Originally Posted by DsprtCfsd

Thank you, I truly appreciate it. You honestly brought a happy tear to my eye seeing this considering how rude I was to you before. Thank you Judy.

Cat, it's you and all the others on this sight that have been my guiding light to bring me back (so to say) and I definitely appreciate it.

I will definitely continue to update everyone to the progress that I make no matter my relationship with my wife or our eldest. Even though I do have some friends to confide in, sometimes you need that knock upside the head to understand what is or isn't being done the right way. Thank you. Love too all.

You know, there is sort of an alliance here, a friendship - it's nice to have "on line" friends.

Welcome to the pack.

I apologize, it's been an extremely busy week so far at work and home. Well we ended up going to Joe's Crabshack that had just opened in our area a couple months ago instead of the other seafood place I was planning (you ask the local big guy at work what the best food places are and he won't lead you astray). After an hour and 20 minute wait we had a great time and great food. My wife loved the crab so much!

>Picture removed for privacy and security<

I apologize if this against the rules but here's a great pic that a waitress took on our night out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DsprtCfsd

I apologize, it's been an extremely busy week so far at work and home. Well we ended up going to Joe's Crabshack that had just opened in our area a couple months ago instead of the other seafood place I was planning (you ask the local big guy at work what the best food places are and he won't lead you astray). After an hour and 20 minute wait we had a great time and great food. My wife loved the crab so much!

>Picture removed for privacy and security<

I apologize if this against the rules but here's a great pic that a waitress took on our night out.

It sounds like you had a great time together. Congratulations!