missdesperatehousewife
But my concern is that it turns him on... and that's why he was doing it.

Obviosly it turns him on or he wouldn't be doing it.. you already said it was a fetish. So you know it turns him on..

I think you are in serious denial.
No offence it happends a lot. But I can't believe you don't see it, even thoughh I think you do

I can see it and I am just trying to convince myself it's not true. I love him so much. It hurts so bad. Thank you for your honesty everyone.

My colleague, "KE," says it will - you are lying to yourself.

So he says he loves you and you're beautiful... in private. In public he lies and cheats, keeps secrets, spends "large sums of money" on his fetishes and, in general, embarasses you.

That's not a reason to love someone. That's not a reason to stay.

A lot of people love the wrong man at one time or another. Hopefully "we" are strong enough to walk away before we get destroyed.

Whatever you do I hope it works out for you. You are the only person who knows what is best for you.

I know its going to be hard to leave him./ believe me I've been there. Butmits so not worth all the heartache and torture.. wondering where he is, is he really at work? You know? You deservre more. No one should have to put up with that.. you're his wife he shoul;d have came to you and told you. "listen i like feet" or whatever. You said he's embaressed but he wasn't embaressed enough to lick someone's foor that he doesn't even know with other people around. You're his wife its wrong. I know its hard to admit to yourself. I've been through it. But it is cheating. He might as well be sleeping with these woman because its having the same efect on oyu. Maybe worrse... well I hope you make the right choice for you..

And by the way. Do you have children? What about them? How would they feel if they found out he was treating you like this? And paying woman for sexual parties? If not for you.. leave for them.. they shouldn't think its OK to treat a woman that way. I believe children are a product of there envirnment .
He's jerk

That he is willing to lie and coverup his 'other' life, I think, is the biggest problem. Is it really so different than lying and covering up an affair?

There is a greater need for him, to continue with what has been causing serious marital problems, than to deal honestly with the issues.

And what are the issues. Why do they exist, and why does he need to engage in activities that he very well knows will ruin his relationship with you. He's gone further by not even trying to coverup the credit card statements with his porn purchases, yet will say he's not charging any such thing.

It is one thing when serious marital problems arise, to clear the air, work through differences and problems, and compromise to come to some sort of resolve. That he isn't anywhere near that ballpark, says to me that his behaviour is not something that he can control. He continues to deny any wrong doing, even if it is to make minor changes and compromises. You agreeing to watch porn with him for example, will not change his behaviour. You still do not know the extent of what he does, or what drives him to do it, and risk everything.

Can you live with what you think and know of his behaviour? Your needs right now are honesty and getting questions answered, which he does not appear willing to do. You are not at all unreasonable in questioning anything involving other people for satisfaction, sexually, that he should be able to be satisfied with, within his marriage. This affects you, as much, if not greater, than his need to indulge in his activities.

His behaviour probably feels like there is 'another woman', although to him, it is a compulsion to have his needs met, no matter what. He does not see it your way, other than to offer up a double standard, that he would not wish you to do the same.

If this is something he has been able to hide, and has gone on far longer than the duration of your marriage, and he is simply unwilling to address the issues, then what are you left with. You cannot change him, or have any true understanding of this type of behaviour if he won't address it.

What are your choices. You could stay, force the issue, get into counselling, and wait, possibly for years, for him to work through this. You could just accept his behaviour. You could leave.

Where does this all sit for you.