As long as the boundaries of marriage are respected and everything is done in an open honest way, then friendships, male or females can be a great thing for both partners. I don't think it's a problem in relationships that have honest communications.

One more thing however. I do agree that the wives should be honest with their husbands when they go out with me. But I am not for certain that they do let their husbands know. Sometimes, they say their husbands are out of town. But I figure that is their business if they tell their husbands or not. I don't feel like it is my responsibility to worry if they let their husbands know when we're going to dinner or to a movie. I've "dated" one married woman 3 years and we've never become romantic, but she has flirted with me by massaging my ankles with her feet under the table. I just ignore it... I know she means it in fun. The other married woman I go out with does in fact hold my hand and I try to politely take my hand back. I feel like a married woman holding my hand for a prolonged period just might be crossing the line. Maybe?

But I agree married women should probably let their husbands know they are going out with one of their male friends... but whether they do or not is sort of a marriage issue and I would feel out of place bringing it up. Am I right? I mean, if I took the iniative to ask the wife, "Did you tell your husband we're going out tonight?", they might be offended, I think.

Mark

Hi Mark, I think you painting your relationships as platonic while it may be true, I have a problem with your willingness to be blissfully ignorant as to how the husbands feel about you taking their wives on dates. If everything is above board as you say then you know the husbands, and they know you, and if this isn't the case it should be, just in the interest of being honest.

I do agree with you... but on the other hand, I do feel like it is the wife's responsibility to let the husband know if she's going with me to a movie, or to dinner. Years ago, I learned that communication between a husband and wife is between the husband and wife.

Besides, while there are some men who would try to cross the line with the married women I go out with, I have never and would never. Part of it is that I am asexual. For some reason, God made me that way. I've discussed this with male friends, and while I find women attractive, I don't have the same physical urges as other men. For example, not to be graphic or profane, but I find nothing sexually attractive about a woman's breasts, and I surely don't understand why men look at women's butts. Yet, I am not gay because I do not at all find men attractive. I think women feel safe with me alone, because I don't have such carnal desires. But I do agree, they should tell their husbands when we go out together, but on the other hand... it is their job to tell their husbands.

And when one of my married "dates" flirts with me, I politely ignore it. They know we are just friends.

Mark

I would hate to see you caught between a man and wife because you assume that she held up her responsibility, and in fact didn't.

Well, I do trust my two married friends completely. I told them that over and over. I feel confident that they are telling their husbands, so I don't ever ask.

If and when I get married, I will make sure my fiancé, (later wife) knows that I do have female friends. I would hope that she would be OK with that and she would be as kind to my platonic female friends as I am. I'd have a problem if a wife asked me to give up my female friends.

But, I realize I am sort of involved in close friendships that may not be traditional, especially down South. In fact, in both of my platonic friendships, the ladies started the "asking out", but by that time, we had already known each other awhile. Now, it seems the most natural thing in the world to say, "Hey...wanta catch a movie or go to dinner this weekend?"

Mark

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Originally Posted by s_cianci

I've generally never thought it proper for a married person to have friends of the opposite gender (unless it is couples being mutual friends with each other as a foursome.) I would not be comfortable with my wife having male friends and i know for a fact that she wouldn't like me having female friends.

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In this day and age that would be an interesting discussion...

We are married, but why would we limit each other's wings ?
Marriage is based on trust...

If my husband has a female friend that he knew before he met me and they are indeed just friends then what's the threat... why is it inappropriate...
I do have male friends... just friends, I see them for a coffee and we talk about mutual interests (in my case cooking, he is a chef) Nothing wrong with that...

Going to a club and partying without the other... it depends.
I am not a party person and whenever there is a party I always told my boyfriends: go without me, it's fine.

What about Trust..

gypsy456

I'm beginning to re-think the way I actually go out with these married women. We actually go to movies, and to dinners alone. There is no hint or suggestion of sex at all... strictly platonic, BUT maybe they are putting energy into their friendship with me that maybe should go into their marriage. But, now, after years of going out with them, it is so much a part of our friendship, that it would seem odd, if we didn't go out together to movies and dinners, which is technically dating, I suppose. Their husbands are never there when they go out with me.

I know that they really enjoy their time with me, and their husbands don't ever make an issue of it. This can be a sensitive topic to some people, you know?

If I were married, I don't think I'd tell my wife she couldn't go do things with friends. I would never feel like I owned my wife, or could tell her she couldn't have friends. I would expect the same from her, if I were married. I was actually "asked out" by another married woman recently. Maybe this is becoming popular, the idea of platonic friendships?

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Originally Posted by MarkinBirmingham

gypsy456

I'm beginning to re-think the way I actually go out with these married women. We actually go to movies, and to dinners alone. There is no hint or suggestion of sex at all...strictly platonic, BUT maybe they are putting energy into their friendship with me that maybe should go into their marriage. But, now, after years of going out with them, it is so much a part of our friendship, that it would seem odd, if we didn't go out together to movies and dinners, which is technically dating, I suppose. Their husbands are never there when they go out with me.

I know that they really enjoy their time with me, and their husbands don't ever make an issue of it. This can be a sensitive topic to some people, you know?

If I were married, I don't think I'd tell my wife she couldn't go do things with friends. I would never feel like I owned my wife, or could tell her she couldn't have friends. I would expect the same from her, if I were married. I was actually "asked out" by another married woman recently. Maybe this is becoming popular, the idea of platonic friendships?

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You see.. I come from a different culture, I am European.
The term "Dating" has a different meaning here than in Europe.. to me, maybe there are other Europeans who would disagree ?
It is perfectly OK in Europe to go out with a male friend (in my case) even when I am in a relationship or married... having said that: there will be moments that my boyfriend or husband will meet that person. It's not something secretive and it should be possible to have friendships with the opposite sex... after all: it's about the human beings, what do they have to offer each other... People don't own each other.
I know that my husband is perfectly OK with the fact I go out for coffee with a male friend, it's a matter of trust.

Again.. in Europe platonic friendships are perfectly acceptable.

gypsy456

Well... I don't go out with my two married friends in secret per say, but I trust they are telling their husbands. The husbands never attend, and the two women don't like each other, so I go out with them separately. I don't want to stop seeing them this way, because I don't want to upset the friendship, but there is no physical interacting, and I know there are no romantic feelings on my part. Sometimes they ask me out, but most of the time, I am the one asking them out.

You see, in Europe I understand it is different from here.

What European country are you from, may I ask? In Europe do married women go out with single men to dinners and movies in the evening, or just to lunch? Here, a dinner and movie is considered a date. Lunch is not considered so much a date.

It is interesting about the differences in our cultures, I think.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MarkinBirmingham

gypsy456

Well...I don't go out with my two married friends in secret per say, but I trust they are telling their husbands. The husbands never attend, and the two women don't like each other, so I go out with them seperately. I don't want to stop seeing them this way, because I don't want to upset the friendship, but there is no physical interacting, and I know there are no romantic feelings on my part. Sometimes they ask me out, but most of the time, I am the one asking them out.

You see, in Europe I understand it is different from here.

What European country are you from, may I ask? In Europe do married women go out with single men to dinners and movies in the evening, or just to lunch? Here, a dinner and movie is considered a date. Lunch is not considered so much a date.

It is interesting about the differences in our cultures, I think.

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Sorry I could not answer your question sooner...
In Europe we are not "hung up" on the term "Date"... I found that people here tend to make a big deal of the word "Dating"... it's probably a cultural difference.
If a woman in Europe would have had a male friend before she enters the relationship it is perfectly normal to keep that friendship. Having said that... for me it would also be perfectly normal to introduce that friend to the man I love...
Should she meet a man while being in the relationship then it is still OK, it would be polite to introduce them at some point.. but I would think it is as polite to introduce them if it would be a female friend...

So yes, for married women or those who live together it is OK to go out with single men.
Why not ? Once two people have "established" that it is just a friendship without any romantic involvement it becomes nothing more and nothing less than a friendship.

Ah.. to answer your question: I am Dutch.

Gypsy:

I understand better now about the term "Dating". I do have firmly established, non-romantic, relationships with these married women. We share common interests, and go to movies and dinners we enjoy. They also go shopping with me on occasion.

Mark

PS May I ask... are you a gypsy? I thought they lived in Eastern Europe. I am asking because of your name.

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Originally Posted by MarkinBirmingham

Gypsy:

I understand better now about the term "Dating". I do have firmly established, non-romantic, relationships with these married women. We share common interests, and go to movies and dinners we enjoy. They also go shopping with me on occasion.

Mark

PS May I ask...are you a gypsy? I thought they lived in Eastern Europe. I am asking because of your name.

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Yes, I am a gypsy.
A dutch one, but I am a gypsy.

I think it is perfectly OK to have friends of the opposite gender, despite being married or in a serious relationship. At the end of the day it all comes down to the trustworthiness of one partner and the honesty of the other. My husband has female friends and I have male friends. We do things together, as well as apart. But my husband and I have a very strong relationship, and neither of us feels the need to lie or "omit" information. I feel that trying to place limits or boundaries on who your spouse can call a friend is more devastating to your marriage than a true friendship. I find in fact, that having these friendships with opposite genders gives both myself and my husband the ability to view things from one another's prospective, as well as something interesting to talk about.

I think allot of it depends on the maturity level of the individual.

Matt,
What's the deal?? I can't rate you anymore! You're too cool for me! J/K, You know I love you! I agree, maturity is a factor, but communication and honesty are key elements in any part of a marriage.

You can only rate once every 8 hours

MATT
Smarty pants... talk to you later. G'night!

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Originally Posted by vlee

I think it is perfectly ok to have friends of the opposite gender, despite being married or in a serious relationship. At the end of the day it all comes down to the trustworthiness of one partner and the honesty of the other. My husband has female friends and I have male friends. We do things together, as well as apart. But my husband and I have a very strong relationship, and neither of us feels the need to lie or "omit" information. I feel that trying to place limits or boundaries on who your spouse can call a friend is more devastating to your marriage than a true friendship. I find in fact, that having these friendships with opposite genders gives both myself and my husband the ability to view things from one another's prospective, as well as something interesting to talk about.

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Could not agree more.

The fact that you seem to not be sure of it, says to me that it is probably not OK with you. And you are half the relationship, you need to just talk about it. Also put yourself in a place where you can meet her friends. Maybe that will help? Thanks Talaniman