Firstly I have to say this was my first time on any kind of forum and I am amazed and grateful at the responses everyone has taken the time to give me. All of which have been very helpful. I think the nail was hit on the head when some of you said I may be insecure for going through his emails but the problem is I was cheated on in a previous relationship so I am overly cautious to guard against my heart being shattered. I think the big thing for me with finding this mail was that it hurts (perhaps because of ego) to know that the person you love thinks about someone else in an intimate way. What makes it worse for me is that I recently had an ex boyfriend find me on Facebook and send me mail about how he misses me a lot etc. I thought it was highly inappropriate given that he was married and I thought it was disrespectful to his wife and I thought very little of him... Now I am in a position where my husband is that man! Anyway after I read the messages that had come through early enough yesterday my husband and I chatted and I have decided to believe what I saw in black and white rather than the explanation he gave... (again this stems from my past where I had an ex tell me something was green when it was clearly black and I'd believe him even though I could see it with my own eyes... so I refuse to lie to myself again). So that left me with the fact that he thinks about his ex a lot and regrets leaving her (Exact words by the way and not taken out of context. I have tried to be as objective as possible about this). So I decided that I would forgive him this and we would wipe the slate clean and start again. The build up to this was really that we have been fighting more than usual, I don't feel he finds me attractive like he used and does not compliment like he used to, Also I "stumbled" across another email of his earlier this year in which he was flirting with a girl he used to sleep with. Not overt flirting but I know him and I know he was flirting and he initiated that. The reason I went into his mail this time was to see if there was anymore of that interaction between them and instead I found this bombshell.

Right so although I've decided to move on it does hurt but I do love him and I do believe he will not make this mistake again moving forward. Am I right?

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Originally Posted by heartbroken2010

Right so although I've decided to move on it does hurt but I do love him and I do believe he will not make this mistake again moving forward. Am I right?

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It all depends on how you move forward.

If you are 'snooping' and questioning his interactions with other women (in other words, looking for issues), then it doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do. You will see it all in the worst way possible.

On the other hand, if you put this and the 'flirting email' behind you and work on building a happy life together by setting boundaries and trusting each other to stay in those boundaries, there is a chance for it to work.

Be careful that you do not drive him away by being insecure and accusing him of thoughts that he doesn't have. Projecting our own thoughts, feelings, and fears on other people is good way to lose sight of who they are. See your husband as the individual that he is not as the latest person who might cheat on you.

Keep the lines of communication open. Talk with him about your fears and work together to move forward.

Best of luck for a long and wonderful relationship.

I'd also add that be sure to tell him what you need from him. If you need to hear compliments once in awhile, make sure he knows this. If you need him to be more attentive, he needs to know that as well.
Work through whatever the issues are that have caused you to be arguing more than usual.

No doubt he is aware of the cheating situation you had in a past relationship, and while it may be easy to say not to allow the insecurities from that into your current relationship, it is not always easy to do. Hopefully he will be a bit more understanding of why you can be insecure at times and make sure he doesn't do things that feed into that.

This has to go both ways for the two of you, it can't be done by just one person. He needs to understand his part in dealing with the trust issues and make an effort to reassure you, and avoid communicating with other women on the computer if he can't keep it on appropriate terms, and you need to try to work through your past and avoid letting it damage your present.

It truly does need to be a united effort by both of you or it simply won't work.

You have a lot of past baggage to get over, because its not fair you assume he is like your ex, and its unfair that he pay for what your ex did to you. Its also not fair that you withhold valuable information about your own wants, and needs, from him, like he is a mind reader, or something, or should know your feelings. That makes you insecure, and feeds the fear.

Deal with your fears in positive ways, and let them lead to better communications. Just so you have the facts. Facts will always help you face your FEARS, and know when your fear is unreasonable. That's why you need to be cool, calm, collected and under control, so you can talk and LISTEN to your partner in a non accusing, objective way.

Honest communications are how partners define the boundaries of good behavior that they can BOTH understand, and live by.

The worst thing about this is that if I was just in a relationship and not married to him I am almost 70% sure I would have left him over this. I would have used this as an indication of things to come with him. But being married and having a child together changes the ball game. This becomes something I have to confront head on and deal with and push past... What a test of character... I'm hopeful I can be the stronger woman.

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Originally Posted by heartbroken2010

The worst thing about this is that if I was just in a relationship and not married to him I am almost 70% sure I would have left him over this. I would have used this as an indication of things to come with him. But being married and having a child together changes the ball game. This becomes something I have to confront head on and deal with and push past... What a test of character... I'm hopeful I can be the stronger woman.

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You are correct... being married and having a child together often does change how you think you would react to something. It is so easy for people to say what they would do in a given situation, but until they actually find themselves there it is not always so black and white.

Hopefully the two of you will be able to work together on restoring the trust in the relationship. It will take some time, you will have moments of doubt, but if both of you are making a real effort, your marriage can be much stronger for it.

I wish you all the best!

It may not be cheating but it is not appropriate.

I can see where your concerns stem from and I'm sure he does too. I would hope after this incident he will try to be more appropriate in his dealing with women. This is a second time thing for him.
It is your choice to put this behind you and move forward, and that means not throwing things up in his face.
I hope this will be the last incidence like this.
I wish you both well.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

It all depends on how you move forward.

On the other hand, if you put this and the 'flirting email' behind you and work on building a happy life together by setting boundaries and trusting each other to stay in those boundaries, there is a chance for it to work.

Be careful that you do not drive him away by being insecure and accusing him of thoughts that he doesn't have. Projecting our own thoughts, feelings, and fears on other people is good way to lose sight of who they are. See your husband as the individual that he is not as the latest person who might cheat on you.

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Just re-read your advice and it is spot on! Its funny how things work he does something and it all ends up being about me... My insecurities... my snooping... I wonder if women put too much blame on themselves in general. If the relationship breaks down after this it will be because of my inability to move on... There is a saying I once heard which basically said a man's infidelity does not break up a home but a woman's does... Haven't we moved on from those times yet?

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Originally Posted by heartbroken2010

Just re-read your advice and it is spot on! Its funny how things work he does something and it all ends up being about me... My insecurities... my snooping... I wonder if women put too much blame on themselves in general. If the relationship breaks down after this it will be because of my inability to move on... There is a saying I once heard which basically said a man's infidelity does not break up a home but a woman's does... Haven't we moved on from those times yet?

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I am not saying that you are at fault or that he won't do something in the future that changes the situation. I am not saying that women are to blame. I have pretty much said the same thing to males who have the same issue with allowing their past to dictate their present and future (a quick search can show you that it seems to be a common problem for everyone). What I am saying is that a relationship has to have trust as part of its foundation. It, also, needs a willingness on the part of both individuals to work together to move past the bad spots.

You have to be as willing to work with him as you want him to be in being sensitive to your feelings. It can't be just him making changes and adapting to your boundaries. The boundaries have to be set and agreed to by both of you. You also have to be willing to discuss the issues and LISTEN to what he has to say.

If you automatically dismiss his thoughts and concerns or reasons, then it may get to a point where he is hiding things to keep from upsetting you. It becomes part of a cycle of you finding something, accusing him of an infraction, shutting him out and down because you don't believe/trust him, him hiding what he thinks will upset you, you snooping and finding anything that could be considered 'evidence', accusing him...

You both have pasts that have shaped who you are as individuals. How you work and grow together will shape your marriage and your child's future.

Thank you for your honesty in your last post, that cleared up some questions I had. Particularly of past behaviour, of which there was past contact as you found out.

This was, in other words, not a one shot deal.

I do not see you as an overly suspicious or judgmental person, particularly in light of the answer to my question of, was what you wrote about his conversation with her, complete sentences, or did you pick the worst bits, but the context meaning may have been different.

So now you know what he has done, and that he has done it more than once. He is your husband, not your high school boyfriend. His behaviour is inappropriate.

I would be very cautious as to his honesty. Your gut told you something was wrong, there was trouble in the relationship (arguing etc.), obviously you thought something might be going on, and voilà, you find, and have found email between him and TWO exe's.

And this makes you overly suspicious- why?

While it takes a great deal of work and communication to make any relationship work, when one party does what yours has done, that seems to be something that he should be apologizing for for starteers, and two- working to regain your trust.

Call me old fashioned, and even though we are talking email here, and not face to face contact, that could only be because you found out. What if you hadn't done the snooping, would there have been more email? A third 'ex'?

I strongly recommend counselling for the two of you. I suspect that the already existing problems you noted in the relationship, are a part of this, or have led to this in some way.

Unless he chooses to live under a rock with a bag over his head, he knows his actions and words to these other women, were inappropriate.

If it were me, and only my opinion here, I would not be satisfied with the expectation being that it was me that was seeing things incorrectly, or putting more importance on it that I felt, or that my instinct was wrong because I had some sort of insecurity about myself. That, again in my opinion, is bull.

If you are unhappy with what is going on, or has gone on, and need to be more sure of him, and your relationship, then work on the health of it- honesty- through a therapist.

Cat1864 thanks for clarifying and I agree. Jake2008 I assume you are a guy and its interesting to see your perspective and it is in line with what I was thinking.

By way of update my husband apologised and says he wishes he never wrote that email. He sees that it was inappropriate. However, so far I have been passing snide remarks about men and cheating once in a while and yesterday it was one too many and that really pissed him off. I told him although I have decided to move on with him it will take time for me to forgive fully. I'm still bruised and some moments I feel like putting him through the same crap. I even contemplated getting in touch with an ex who I had a particularly serious and emotional rollercoaster of a relationship with... And I did in fact make contact with him (much to my disappointment). I've moved on from him a long time ago and really I'm not interested but I think I have started something in his head AAAAHHH! Don't know if I should tell my husband about that or should just blank him and hope he goes away.

I think we probably do need to see a therapist unfortunately in our circles the connotations of seeing a therapist are pretty negative. And our community is small enough for people to find out. For now venting to you guys will have to do...

It is not uncommon to want to "get even" by contacting someone yourself. Some people will have affairs after a partner does simply to try and hurt them back or to fulfill the need to feel wanted. But it usually backfires and only makes it more difficult to rebuild the trust and communication.

Don't contact the guy again... ignore any contact he may try to make with you... completely!

I understand the remarks about men cheating... part of it may be seeking a response from him that tells you he is in agreement about it being a horrible thing. Part of it might be wanting him to get the hint that you are still unsure... and you are seeking some reassurance still of his feelings for you. It is your insecurity and fear talking... understandable, but will likely not have the effect you are after.

Many times women will play a scenerio in their heads of what they will say and then what their partner will say or do in response, and we often set ourselves up for disappointment when they don't follow the script we played out in our minds!

You have a wonderful start in that he acknowledges that what he did was inappropriate and offered an apology. Accept it graciously, try to avoid the remarks. Plan a time to sit down to discuss how you are going to make things better from here on out and so that both of you have your needs met in this relationship.

Rediscover why you married each other in the first place... and build on that... :)

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QUOTE by heartbroken2010;
Cat1864 thanks for clarifying and I agree. Jake2008 I assume you are a guy and its interesting to see your perspective and it is in line with what I was thinking.

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No, I'm not a guy. Just couldn't think of a nic when I joined up, and my dog was chewing my slipper at the time. :D

Retalliation is never a good idea, especially when it is essentially repeating the bad behaviour of your mate. Take a higher road here.

I wouldn't beat him up after the issue is resolved/on the mend. I don't recall you saying he had actually apologized, but now that he has, it's time to put the issue to rest.

I realize that, like most people, seeing a therapist in a small town might leave you a bit open to gossip, but after your post, I'd like to encourage you to make the effort. Venting may make you feel better, and you may learn from the responses you get, but if you feel the problems within the relationship are continuing and ongoing, therapy can help.

I guess you take your chances either way. However, you may have far more to lose than a few raised eyebrows if you choose not to go.

I agree. If there's any way to get some marriage counseling, I think it would be a good thing to try, even if you have to go out of town to do it. Maybe one of those weekend marriage building workshops? Just a thought. I've never done that.

Other advice. Some couples who have a baby, never spend any time together without the baby. Get a sitter and start going out once a week. Low key time away from the house and problems. The talk shouldn't all be about the baby and problems, though some of it can be. Like women, men need attention and maybe your husband's not getting enough lately. Take him out on a date once a week.

Edit: People mostly accept that a car is a valuable investment and you have to have the oil changed and make regular repairs to keep it running. A marriage is similar. It's worth keeping it running by investing time and money in the marriage itself. Plus you two could have some fun. :)

Go to counseling if you can, in fact make every effort to do so, but you need to cut out the snide remarks, it's childish.
If he has acknowledged his wrong and you have said OK lets work on this, leave the remarks out. That is not working on things, that's getting back at him.
So you make up your mind if you really mean what you said or you run the risk of pushing him away.

Hang in there and you two work on your marriage.
I wish you well

Defo no of course you will think about them u cared about them once just don't do anymore then think but if you have feelings and want to try go for it life is sort