Ask Me Help Desk - Older man, not husband

From my point of view (being 17) I really think you need to put your children first. If you were my mum and left my old man for a new guy I would actually hate you, I mean a pure hate.

I can understand what you mean though to be honest, it sounds to me you need to ignite your flame again? Because right now it seems your just living each day with a smile on your face, getting by each day.

You see this new man as a way out, a fresh start. But think a second, what will that do?

Well a divorce which would take god knows how long, you would have to take the kids to your ex husbands new house every weekend (how does that sound?) and think of the relationship between your children after that? How would your friends see you? How would this new man see you? You just left your husband, what would stop you leaving him when the next new big thing comes along?

My ex girlfriend, who still means a lot to me, parents had split exactly the way your going, her mother left her husband for a new man, it destroyed the family and has taken its toll on my ex and ALL of the family members, both sides.

So take a secound to think of the consequences which would happen not only to you, but the rest of your family, your blood family, your children.

You don't have to be blood to be family, but family is forever.

In fact I can relate to you, a factor of my split up was to live a new exciting life, and was it all it was cracked up to be? Not at all.

This christmas if I ever had the chance to choose a movie at home with my ex girlfriend like old times, or a night on the town? I would 110% choose the time with my ex.

If any advice I can give it would be to seriously try to save your marriage and everything you have made up till now.

And words that play in my head everyday and will so play in yours...

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOT UNTIL ITS GONE.

Tal - "Isn't it amazing that the grass is never greener on the other side." -

Never is. At least 99.9% of the time.

You change partners AND THEN you find out al ltheir hang ups, problems, trouble. Things people who leave marriages and cheat NEVER take into account... blinded by lust!

Saintas, I am upset because you are harassing me over my opinion. I have asked the moderators to stop you. But obviously, they haven't. Get off my case.
And yes, for me I have the ability to say next. At anytime. If someone I care about doesn't respond to me in the manner as I would have wished, I say next. Because there are too many people out there that do accept me, love me and support me. And I wish not to trouble myself with someone who doesn't. This is now off the subject. But I felt I need to reply to your harassing comment, one last time. I will not be interacting with your harassing comments to me any further. You just don't get it. We are obviously on different plains, and have had different experiences/paths in life.

As far as the poster MJ is concerned, not everyone is going to agree with your decision. Not everyone is going to accept you. But it's the decisions that you make today that you will have to live with in the future. It is very difficult to find true happiness in this world. Sometimes others get hurt in the process. And your life can be turned upside down by simply "going with your heart." It has been my experience that not too many men are friends with you because they want to stay "friends". Not many men like to be in the "friend" arena when it deals with an attractive woman. Most want more. Or fantasize about it/you, anyway. Some do. But they are the exception to the rule. AND that's my OPINION.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrussole

Saintas, I am upset because you are harassing me over my opinion. I have asked the moderators to stop you. But obviously, they haven't. Get off my case.
And yes, for me I have the ability to say next. At anytime. If someone I care about doesn't respond to me in the manner as I would have wished, I say next. Because there are too many people out there that do accept me, love me and support me. And I wish not to trouble myself with someone who doesn't. This is now off the subject. But I felt I need to reply to your harassing comment, one last time. I will not be interacting with your harassing comments to me any further. You just don't get it. We are obviously on different plains, and have had different experiences/paths in life.

As far as the poster MJ is concerned, not everyone is going to agree with your decision. Not everyone is going to accept you. But its the decisions that you make today that you will have to live with in the future. It is very difficult to find true happiness in this world. Sometimes others get hurt in the process. And your life can be turned upside down by simply "going with your heart." It has been my experience that not too many men are friends with you because they want to stay "friends". Not many men like to be in the "friend" arena when it deals with an attractive woman. Most want more. Or fantasize about it/you, anyway. Some do. But they are the exception to the rule. AND thats my OPINION.

OK !:)

MJ,
Is giving in to the one worth letting go of a whole list of others that you had already established? Even I can answer that for you. No. No, you don't want your kids in two homes, living with some woman (even if it is only on the weekends) that you don't know if your husband decides to remarry/get live in girlfriend. No you don't want to move out, split up your things, decide who gets that picture in the den. You love your family, that is evident, and no one who loves their family wants these things. My dad left my mother for another woman my junior year of college and I can honestly say that even though I was a grown person with my own life at that point that it was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. We kids (and I am the youngest luckily) felt like we had to choose sides and it's split us up. The worst thing is... I resent my dad now. I hate his choice because he failed to consider anyone but himself. Selfish. There is a lot at stake in your decision, not just your husband and this other man... trust me it extends way beyond that. All I can recommend to you is that you try to change your life as it is first. Get counceling, talk, scream, rant, rave, do anything as long as you try to change things first. If they don't then maybe its time for more drastic measures... but not that kind. Think of all you have to lose. It's probably a lot more than you ever dreamed.

The easy answer is just end it with the oder guy and move one. But how do you change such feelings. You have mentioned discussing your needs with your husband and no real response. It seems you see things in this guy that is lacking in your husband. I agree with the previous post that the problem goes beyond this other guy. We all have needs that must be met or the fact of life is we seek to meet these needs elswhere (even if unintentional). I would suggest marriage counseling fast, getting start soon. The imagination of new love is always exciting, but how long before the new love is no longer exciting. In time, people in a marriage begin to take one another for granite and it becomes the little things that seem to become irratating, because one feels the other doesn't care. Sometime the relationship just needs a swift kick in the,, which marriage counseling may help re-ignite the flame.
I doubt your feelings for the other guy is something you can just ignore and turn off like a light switch, but with help and time you will get past these feelings and put them in their prospective place. In these situations, one typically says "it wasn't suppose to happend" or "I wasn't out looking for it, it just happened". But the underlying truth is that due to your own needs not being met at home, you were seeking to have some unmet need filled.
Perhaps you could go back through you old wedding picture and reflect back on all the reasons you love your husband. Sometime the measure for change must be drastic, such as moving out, but one should usually begin with counseling. In any case, you should not consider doing anything with the other guy. Even if things do not work out with your husband, you will have to take time to heal and get yourself back on track before you could possibly consider a relationship with another man. Nearly all relationships that were ended only to be with another end in divorce, because people don't take time to heal themselves before jumping into another relationship.