Ask Me Help Desk - Am I wrong?

No,I filed for adjustment of status so I can work.

File for divorce. Go to your doctor and get tested for hiv/aids and hepititus and others. Then move on. I do not understand why you are still with this person.

Joe

Because I could not work!I am German and he is American.My status had not been adjusted as I had no money for the fees and the paralegal and my husband didn't give me the money but complained that I did not work and on and on it went.But once I have the permission to work I will file for divorce.

Once you have permission to work. You need to file divorce now. Filing for divorce. There are lawyers there are programs to help people have legal advice for low or no income earners. All your doing is procrastinating but all of this is you and your decisions alone how to handle each situations. Good luck with everything. Let us know how everything is.

Joe

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Originally Posted by beanster

i asked him if he wanted divorce and he tried to change the subject but i kept on asking and finally he said that he doesn't know.

My thoughts are that he DOES know, he just doesn't want to be the 'bad guy'. Hes probably waiting for YOU to make the decision so its not 'really his fault'...

That's just my first impression with what his responses are to you. He seems to not want to take responsibility for his actions, and wants to avoid making decisions for your marriage...

Quote:

Originally Posted by beanster

i asked him if he wanted divorce and he tried to change the subject but i kept on asking and finally he said that he doesn't know.

Well tell him if he won't take you sireoucly your leaving and go and live with a close reletive make him realise how lost he is without you!

I have to wait until I get the papers from immigration.I cannot make any decision until then.As it is based on being married to him,I need his cooperation but then I can look for a job and make my own decisions.

Sounds like your relationship is heading to splits-ville unless you both take some serious steps towards mending the relationship. He may be offended (whether he is or isn't up to no good) at the way you are confronting him about the issue, and even though you may be super nice about it, it just might not be the right approach. You may think you're handling it well but on his end it may be nit-picking. I highly recommend counseling. Also it might sound very cliche' but the infamous book "Men are from Mars....." has a lot of information regarding the way you talk to someone and how they perceive it. If he is cheating, or you suspect he is, the last thing you want to do is point the finger, he will clam right up into defense mode and you'll get nowhere. After you're after that hump, the next is to get him to talk and go from there. If he IS cheating and you think the relationship is mendable, there is a reason for cheating. The reason someone cheats is because they're not getting everything they want in a relationship. Whether its passion, sex, communication or more frequent trips to the movies, there is something lacking. So if you can get him to communicate with you enough to talk over the out-all-night incidents and what's really going on I think you'll be able to get him to talk about what his needs are. I'm sorry to hear about your hubby trouble. I hope my advice helps, and once again I strongly recommend a counselor.

I had an interesting talk to an old friend of his and learned about a girlfriend he had many years ago where the same thing happened:first big love and then anger,violence and throwing of furniture.It seems it is not so much my fault as more an inability on his part to be realistic and work things out in a sensible manner.It makes me feel better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by beanster

It is not possible to have a reasonable talk about our relationship.he accuses me of painting him black and that he cannot do anything right in my eyes.

I speak from experience when I say that his response it just a way to turn the tables, and make it your fault instead of accepting responsibility for his actions.

Maybe you should go out with friends and come back at 7:00 the next morning and see how he reacts after doing that a few times

I tried to talk to him and he also paints his old girl friend in black.So funny as he accuses me of doing that.

Typically the accuser is the one who is actually guilty. If he puts the pressure on you then your going to spend all your time and energy defending yourself (although you have no reason to) instead of focusing on what he's doing wrong.

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He reason someone cheats is because they're not getting everything they want in a relationship. Whether its passion, sex, communication or more frequent trips to the movies, there is something lacking.

Show me a relationship that is perfect... I am lacking in the relationship,too,and so do most people in theirs but we do not consider cheating as an option.