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Originally Posted by mckmel

HI
No, I never knew these things before we were married and neither did my husband. His parents always faught until one would leave for a few weeks and they still do this.

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Perhaps this should have raised awareness for you?

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Originally Posted by mckmel

They did not explain everything to him until a couple of years ago when they checked into a hospital, and then they called him to talk about it from there.

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How old was he to not understand any of this?

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Originally Posted by mckmel

His father told him at the hospital that he has been manic depressant for about 20 years and has been medicated for it.

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And he(the son)was oblivious to this?

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Originally Posted by mckmel

When talking to his mother she refers to herself as bipolar but she refuses to take any meds for it. Which one then is the current term??

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The current term would be bi-polar disorder(manic=high,depressed=low, the 2 different 'poles' in mental health=bi-polar)

Your original question, "how to cope being married to a control freak"; well, it seems you cope quite well.

You have a general understanding of the compulsive nature of his behaviour, and can provide history to back up the claim that his parents likely had some of this influence over him, thus it is understandable how he may have turned out to be the apple that didn't fall far from the tree.

Although his mother is not diagnosed properly, or her symptoms you have described would most certainly have her under medical care, you take as truth that his parents have contributed to the way your husband is now.

You have also presented him as normal in all other aspects of his life, and have narrowed down his control to his own home.

By providing information and presenting him as a good father and husband otherwise, you seem convinced that his disorder, if it is even a disorder- undiagnosed- is sounding more and more reasonable to live with the more posts you make.

If there is no disorder, medically per se, and his controlling behaviour is abusive, you also justify that by implying that it's not really hurting people. Even though if he sits in a chair and sees something out of place, he loses it. Not to mention your son vacuums twice a day.

Whatever his problem is, his control over you, his children, and his home, is something that only either an extreme level of mental illness, or an extreme level of stress causing very upsetting behaviour, continues, as per status quo.

If you challenge his authority over you, the peace is shattered, he will feel challenged, and will step up to the challenge because he is not about to let go of the environment he not only has created, but the environment he is determined to control. If he loses control, he loses his feeling of security and he becomes vunerable to his own behaviour; I doubt he will allow that to happen. In fact, I suspect that his behvaviour will only increase on the control meter.

And, by you deciding to justify, and allow this control over yourself and your children, must mean you are getting something in return. Security, a good life, college funds? I have no idea.

But the bottom line is, your needs must be being met here somewhere for you to compromise so much of yourself to support and manintain his control over you.

So if you are fine with the way things are, more power to you.

But, if you seriously want to address the hard issues of what goes on in your home, meaning why he does what he does, and why you allow it, you'll have to get your head out of the sand and make some hard decisions.

Just my opinion.

While I cannot diagnose his problems, I do know that there can be no change until you stop enabling his behavior. For whatever reason you have for going along with his behavior, that has to stop, or why should he even consider what he is doing is wrong, or outrageous in your eyes.

The effect on the kids may be more profound if he continues this way, than if you divorced. While I am not saying divorce him, I am saying you must change your approach to how you relate and interact for him to change.

If he won't go to counseling with you, then you should go alone to be guided through the process of setting the boundaries of good behavior for yourself, and standing firm when he crosses them. Him or any one else for that matter.

Its important that you know your own direction and limitations before you expect it of others, and a third party can guide you to that.

Bottom line is letting your limits be known to him, and also your expectations of caring and respect.

Abusive and abrasive behavior is unacceptable. For the sake of the kids, or NOT!!

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Originally Posted by mckmel

Hi again;
No, he is not controlling in anything else. He is pretty good with everything else. We have gone to domincian twice in the past 6 months, once with the children, once just with our 5 year old daughter for my sisters wedding.
We purchased a home two years ago in a new city that we had moved to - I picked the home, crazy me, it is 2000 square feet main level, thought the space would be great for the children, that way they have their own bedrooms and their own livingroom, I thought that way they could keep whatever they wanted down there, but it just means more to clean. I do all the shopping, all the bill paying, he doesn't want to have anything to do with it, doesn't even want to know anything about it.
I can go and visit my sister whenever I want, as long as I take the youngest 2 kids with me since they are too young to leave alone while he is out.
I would have to say that this is the only thing.
Mel

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Are you saying he has never done your job?
Wow.. if not he needs to do it for a week and as good as you do ! I can't wait to see if his thinking does not change after that.:rolleyes: