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Originally Posted by monkenbiker

Your response runs consistent with much that I have read online and in books. That I will really never be supported and will always have some primary responsibility for both her actions AND mine. I wonder how men with these issues ever get better when they are told from all sides that her behavior is my fault AND my behavior is my fault.

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I am not saying that you are responsible for her actions. She is and she has to take that responsibility. As Jake said, she had other ways of handling her own issues before things got to this point.

Take responsibility for your own actions and reactions. Learning to handle your emotions in a better way will take time. At this point don't try to connect with her. Connect with yourself and your children.

Use working on the house as a way to rebuild yourself. Both are going to take time, but if you put the work into it, I think you are going to come out stronger just like the house will.

She has to do the work on herself and then you both can work on the marriage.

You and your children should be your priority now. I hope you and your wife work things out. If you can't then learn from this and pray that she will learn also. Marriage without trust is doomed.

She is lucky to have you in her life.

I don't think your anger problem was the cause of her behaviour.

If it bothered her that much, she would have taken steps to deal with it. Pretty much the same steps she should have taken before she had the affair- see a therapist, work on the relationship, get counselling.

You sound like a strong, loyal person to me. I hope that things work out, and she can step up, and work through the grief she has caused, then the marriage work begins. A very difficult process; many of us lack the fortitude or desire.

I think what I'm trying to say, is that there are two distinct problems here. One is her affair, obviously. The second is the communication issues in the marriage itself.

It would be nice to hear you posting about how things are going, as far as her now having the spotlight on herself.

Best of luck to you.

You are in my prayers.. you and your wife and family. Blessings