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Originally Posted by redhed35

you cannot help someone who does not want help,and you can't make anyone who has an addiction seek help untill they realise it for themselves.

if hes not talking to you and not in contact there is not much you can do,however i am curious how you came to know of his gambling and borrow money from credit cards,if your not in contact.

aside from that,the best you can do is help yourself,get back on your feet and start anew,with new goals and aims.

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He moved to MA for his new job on 2008 (not for separation) and I am still in GA now since I need time to think our marriage problem. And he stopped to contact me on May 2009 since I said "NO" to him for our house issues (but I still keep to call him sometimes for discussing our family issues till now) and he started to gambling money on 2008.
I am afraid to seek a new aim since there is still 50% percentage to meet a narcissist.

It isn't him that needs rescued it is you.

After 22 years, don't you think it's time to think for yourself? I would suggest counselling to help you see that you cannot 'rescue' anybody that doesn't want to be rescued, nor can you change anybody's behaviour, but your own.

The problem isn't that you are some sort of victim here, as much as it is why you still choose to be.

Until you figure out why you stay with this man, at least protect yourself in the meanwhile. Maybe consider a legal separation in order to protect any assets that could see you in a lot of financial hot water. Credit cards, lines of credit, 2nd and 3rd mortgages on the house, liens on cars etc. If he is an addicted gambler, you may not see entirely what he has done to support his addiction, until you have lost everything.

I cannot see why you stay from what you have written so far.

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Originally Posted by cxh0202

I am afraid to seek a new aim since there is still 50% percentage to meet a narcissist.

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I'm not sure what you mean by this. Are you saying that 50% of men are narcissistic?

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Originally Posted by NeedKarma

I'm not sure what you mean by this. Are you saying that 50% of men are narcissistic?

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Yes.

That's a sad way to go through life with that way of thinking. You shouldn't attribute one person's attributes to a whole group. Perhaps you have a way of being attracted to these types of people?

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

It isn't him that needs rescued it is you.

After 22 years, don't you think it's time to think for yourself? I would suggest counselling to help you see that you cannot 'rescue' anybody that doesn't want to be rescued, nor can you change anybody's behaviour, but your own.

The problem isn't that you are some sort of victim here, as much as it is why you still choose to be.

Until you figure out why you stay with this man, at least protect yourself in the meanwhile. Maybe consider a legal separation in order to protect any assets that could see you in a lot of financial hot water. Credit cards, lines of credit, 2nd and 3rd mortgages on the house, liens on cars etc. If he is an addicted gambler, you may not see entirely what he has done to support his addiction, until you have lost everything.

I cannot see why you stay from what you have written so far.

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I choose him for his good moral, honest (he tells me everything), well education and stable career (he is PHD and work hard). He loves me but also hurts me since his personality (he does not realize he hurts me. Narcissist does not know anything about his bad).

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Originally Posted by NeedKarma

That's a sad way to go through life with that way of thinking. You shouldn't attribute one person's attributes to a whole group. Perhaps you have a way of being attracted to these types of people?

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No. This is why I am asking for helping. I just treat him like a child. What I did is no conditional loving him (He is my husband, not others) until I know he borrows money and wouldn’t to listen me.

More of the story: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...nd-443459.html

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Originally Posted by NeedKarma

That's a sad way to go through life with that way of thinking. You shouldn't attribute one person's attributes to a whole group. Perhaps you have a way of being attracted to these types of people?

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No. This is why I am asking for helping. I just treat him like a child. What I did is no conditional loving him (He is my husband, not others) until I know he is gambling and wouldn’t to listen me.

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Originally Posted by NeedKarma

If you are living separately can we assume you're getting a divorce? Why do you want to fix him then? Why not complete the divorce and seek a better life.

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No. We are not divorce yet, even not legal separation. We separate living is for his job and my job (this is my reason but is not true reason. The true reason is I afraid of his financial abuse me if I quit my job. He does not want to share me his salary).
If I divorce him, I might be single forever. I am afraid to find other man I never know.

You need to protect yourself-financially, emotionally, mentally, etc. If you are vulnerable to his problems you aren't going to be able to be a strong support for anyone in any way.

What has all this taught your son? Are those lessons you want to continue?

You started taking control of your life when you refused to move for his work. It doesn't matter what reasons or excuses you had/have for not making the move. What matters is that you stood up for yourself and said 'no'. Now, you need to follow through.

Help yourself and your son. Your husband is old enough to be responsible for his own problems.

Has your husband been diagnosed as having a Narcissist personality.

Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
The narcissistic personality disorder is one of the top three most difficult personality disorders to treat. It is defined as an ongoing pattern of grandiosity and need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. It should be noted that it is three times more common in males than females. These individuals have an obvious self love, and believe they are knowledgeable and indeed expert in a wide variety of areas. They are usually shocked when they are not praised for their efforts. These individuals are preoccupied with success and power. They feel they are gifted and talented. They may make statements like, “I have a photographic memory,” when in reality they do not. They rarely admit to a mistake or wrongdoing. They rarely apologize when the occasion arises. These individuals insist on having the best of everything. They are grossly defensive, and unable to look at themselves objectively. They have an inflated and false sense of entitlement, and lack of sensitivity towards others. They feel they deserve whatever they want or need. These individuals are extremely self-absorbed. If they are giving, they usually give monetarily, and are unable to give emotionally. They are viewed by others as arrogant and snobbish, act condescendingly towards healthcare providers and therapists in the assessment phase. It is also very common for these individuals to act ingratiatingly and very complimentary in the first session, very similar to traits found in sociopathic personality disorder. These individuals are extremely sensitive to criticism, although may not show it outwardly. When their shortcomings are targeted, however, they may appear extremely wounded.

If he has then you have little to no hope of changing him no matter what you do, all you can do is protect yourself and any children you may have...

You either stay with him and his problems, or you don't, but protect yourself against his bad behavior, especially after a few years. Time to do something besides complain and talk.

Blaming his behavior on a disorder is convenient, but serves no purpose but give you an excuse to do NOTHING.

As told in your other post (merged with this one) talk to a lawyer and take a translator with you or write it out for him what you want to know.

Where there is a will, there is always a way.

Don't just sit and do nothing! Do you like living this way? I think you both need serious therapy.

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Originally Posted by Kitkat22

Don't just sit and do nothing! Do you like living this way? I think you both need serious therapy.

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I felt you are NOT one to "Forgive Me When I Fail, Lift Me When I Fall, Carry Me When I Am Broken." Your words are hurtful.:confused:

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Originally Posted by cxh0202

I felt you are NOT one to "Forgive Me When I Fail, Lift Me When I Fall, Carry Me When I Am Broken." Your words are hurtful.:confused:

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Life is what you make it. If you choose to continue down a path that keeps you hurting then no one can help you but yourself.

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Originally Posted by cxh0202
I felt you are NOT one to "Forgive Me When I Fail, Lift Me When I Fall, Carry Me When I Am Broken." Your words are hurtful.

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Those words are mine. I fail everyday. I am lifted by my prayers and when the Lord see's I am in over my head he lifts me.. When I have been broken by loss or suffering he carries me.

Maybe you shoulbe honest with yourself. You put me down when I am being honest or giving an opinion by using my words against me. That's okay. I'm not perfect. I don't apologize for saying you need therapy. You do.

There is an old saying from years ago. "Tell the truth and shame the devil". And I do not agree with your saying 50% of men are narcissistic. Where did you get that?

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Originally Posted by cxh0202

I felt you are NOT one to "Forgive Me When I Fail, Lift Me When I Fall, Carry Me When I Am Broken." Your words are hurtful.:confused:

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Your comment to kitkat - who is trying to help you - is unfair. The way to be helped is not to criticize those doing the helping.

Maybe you like to live with the drama.

I will note this person has a attitude problem, some of their posts were merged, and several deleted, They are all upset over us doing that and will not accept our opinion of their being very close in content and theme.

I ended that complaint by closing that thread.

So I would say that some people like to complain and feel sorry for theirself, but when it comes to doing something to help they would rather complain.

Perhaps it is easier to live with the bad that you know than to take risks and move ahead with your life.

To the OP, you have no right insulting the people giving you advice, you may not like it, but you came here asking for it, You got a lot of advice, some better than others,

The best advice was to get profeesional counseling to help you deal specificly with your issues and to help make the harder choices