Ask Me Help Desk - How do I know when to call it quits

Quote:

Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

hiding the going I mean

Oh OK.. I got what you mean... as far as letting her know. I guess it wouldn't hurt to tell her. I had planned on telling her after I started... so that I can see if she'll go with me. We'll see how it goes this time around as I mentioned before she wasn't for it at all.
As for my boys, they are mostly just with me throughout the week. Weekends we are somewhat together as a family but I know I am very very careful as to not let on that I'm bothered by things and completely unhappy right now. They still bring out my happiness in things we do together so that's always an upside. When she comes into the picture I do feel uncomfortable but am still able to "act" as if I'm "fine" if that makes any sense. Because I am always tired... that becomes an excuse for quite a few things.
Will be in counsiling by next week I'm hoping...

Yes I agree children are put in the middle and it can sometimes be best to leave a bad marriage and live apart :-) as happy parents

I know this is hard, but I think that you need to be really honest with your wife about how you're currently feeling.

Don't make it her fault, just tell her you're tired, overwhelmed and filled with negativity about the future.

Also let her know that you've decided to go to counseling on your own and that this is your way of trying to deal with what you've been feeling.

It may be that your marriage is doomed, however it may not. Keep in mind that you are unwell with a serious illness, you're not working and that this has changed the dynamic between you and your wife. Remember, she may be feeling overwhelmed as well.

I would also suggest that you may be depressed - you certainly have good reason to be - and that this is something you may wish to discuss with your counselor.

Now is not a good time to be making decisions about your marriage or your future life. I know that uncertainty is hard to deal with, but you may have to put up with it a while longer until you feel better and things become clearer. It's difficult to wait, but often waiting provides greater clarity and a better solution than impulsive action. Change is possible, even when it seems improbable!

Good luck with the counselling and your on-going treatment.

From a purely personal standpoint - my late husband was very sick for a number of years, in and out of the hospital for months at a time. Our lives certainly changed when he was no longer able to work, when he went on disability - financially, socially, our relationship.

Your wife is going through all sorts of emotions, too. She is undoubtedly concerned and afraid about finances, your future, her future. It's very difficult to always have to be the "strong one." Her life has changed, maybe not to the degree yours has, but her life has changed, too.

I would marry my husband all over again tomorrow, knowing what our outcome was, but that type of illness changes people, sometimes not for the better, sometimes temporarily.

Have you talked to her about her concerns and fears?

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

From a purely personal standpoint - my late husband was very sick for a number of years, in and out of the hospital for months at a time. Our lives certainly changed when he was no longer able to work, when he went on disability - financially, socially, our relationship.

Your wife is going through all sorts of emotions, too. She is undoubtedly concerned and afraid about finances, your future, her future. It's very difficult to always have to be the "strong one." Her life has changed, maybe not to the degree yours has, but her life has changed, too.

I would marry my husband all over again tomorrow, knowing what our outcome was, but that type of illness changes people, sometimes not for the better, sometimes temporarily.

Have you talked to her about her concerns and fears?

First I am sorry for your loss... and yes... I agree and understand what you are saying. Although she may not even realize it too... the situation has changed our feelings about things and it might be hard to even acknowledge it. I have talked with her about her feelings but mostly she's worried for me and my having to deal with being sick. As far as the relationship, we talked again last night and may have found some things, some ways to try to bring us closer together to work past issues we've had or are still having. I haven't felt I've brought much happiness to her life in a while but I could be wrong. I did share with her that I am going to talk to someone and she seemed very receptive to it this time (as far as going with me at some point) as oppose to last time we discussed it. I know there's a lot we've invested into our lives together and we still love each other but I'm hoping we find the happiness as well. Thanks again for all your input and support... it's great having different views on this and getting it out so I don't feel so overwhelmed with it on my own. THanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemini54

I know this is hard, but I think that you need to be really honest with your wife about how you're currently feeling.

Don't make it her fault, just tell her you're tired, overwhelmed and filled with negativity about the future.

Also let her know that you've decided to go to counseling on your own and that this is your way of trying to deal with what you've been feeling.

It may be that your marriage is doomed, however it may not. Keep in mind that you are unwell with a serious illness, you're not working and that this has changed the dynamic between you and your wife. Remember, she may be feeling overwhelmed as well.

I would also suggest that you may be depressed - you certainly have good reason to be - and that this is something you may wish to discuss with your counselor.

Now is not a good time to be making decisions about your marriage or your future life. I know that uncertainty is hard to deal with, but you may have to put up with it a while longer until you feel better and things become clearer. It's difficult to wait, but often waiting provides greater clarity and a better solution than impulsive action. Change is possible, even when it seems improbable!

Good luck with the counselling and your on-going treatment.

I am in the mind set to wait to make any major decisions... this is why I decided to go talk to someone. I want to make sure that what I'm feeling isn't all just about the illness or depression. I was in meds for depression a while back but was able to find another outlet in that I no longer needed them. I use to ride motorcycles (it has always been a passion for me) before getting sick and then for 2 years I couldn't so I had no way of getting "out". I was stuck at home all the time. I decide later that I was able to ride again and got another one and after I was back on the road I was fine. It's winter now so I thought maybe since riding is now once again out of the picture I have no "outlet" to make me feel like I'm NOT trapped. So because of this I know to make a decisiton... any decision that may impact my marriage is one that I really need to wait and see about.
I do try to express my feelings very clearly to her and make sure she knows that none of what I'm dealing with is her fault. She's not the type of person that deliberately dismisses how I feel but sometimes I think she just forgets how bad I can feel. She becomes too busy and distracted with outside things and that's been an ongoing problem for some time.
After another discussion the other night she made a decision to not be so "involved" at church and take a break and she also made some suggestions as to how we can spend more time as a family. After church we joined a family martial arts program... just a trial for now so we can see how we all like it... but this way we'll all be together... spending quality time as a family. I'm hoping the changes we are making and the reality of what has been going on in the relationship is becoming more clearer to her as I believe that's what's really going to make the difference. We have some of the same goals but mainly we want happiness first so with time maybe we can still find that.
Thanks again for you comments! I really appreciate all of them from everyone...

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolfden2

First I am sorry for your loss.... and yes..... I agree and understand what you are saying. Although she may not even realize it too...the situation has changed our feelings about things and it might be hard to even acknowledge it. I have talked with her about her feelings but mostly she's worried for me and my having to deal with being sick. As far as the relationship, we talked again last night and may have found some things, some ways to try to bring us closer together to work past issues we've had or are still having. I haven't felt I've brought much happiness to her life in a while but I could be wrong. I did share with her that I am going to talk to someone and she seemed very receptive to it this time (as far as going with me at some point) as oppose to last time we discussed it. I know there's a lot we've invested into our lives together and we still love each other but I'm hoping we find the happiness as well. Thanks again for all your input and support...it's great having different views on this and getting it out so I don't feel so overwhelmed with it on my own. THanks!

At one point my husband actually pulled away and when I sat him down and asked him why he had a theory that if we were somehow not as happy together losing him wouldn't hurt me as much - are you sure you aren't pushing her away?

And thank you for your note of sympathy - my late husband was a very good man.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

At one point my husband actually pulled away and when I sat him down and asked him why he had a theory that if we were somehow not as happy together losing him wouldn't hurt me as much - are you sure you aren't pushing her away?

And thank you for your note of sympathy - my late husband was a very good man.

That's a good point... it's possible I guess but I feel the life we started together has somehow become separated... like we're off in 2 different directions. She's become more spiritual than I and I've felt as if I have to compete with church and anything else that she'll take on instead of putting more time in with us at home... She is the type of person that's always taking on more than she can handle, everything is last minute and unstructured. I find it very difficult to even function like this... especially when I'm as tired as I am.