Hi, for the people that asked to be updated, first off thanks for the advice so far.
The counseling request I have made was turned down again. She says she does not see how a perfect stranger is going to read her and know her better then herself and is still not sure of going. Secondly, she has seemed to be more happy past few days but I`m not holding my breath on her happiness because she is like a roller coaster. We went to a movie this weekend and had fun and plan on going out again next week.
(new catch), past two days she sends me text messages from the bathroom No messages just snapshots of her in the shower.
Was intriguing and sexy I must say and when she comes out she is great. We rent a family movie once a week as habit and last night was the night. She practically sits on my lap to watch it and spends the time cuddling to watch, BUT the night before (sat night) we had our conversation again and she claimed she wants to try but is still not 100% sure..
I am at the point where I am now unsure and not feeling 100% on if I should move or not. But with dirty texts and things happening I`m finding it extremely difficult to decide on my next move. I really do not want to leave and I do not want her to leave but I do not know how to read this situation anymore and I almost give up.

I can understand your frustration. She almost seems to be reinventing herself. It's hard to live with someone who won't talk, won't committ, won't see a therapist, and can't decide whether they want to remain married or not.

You are left wondering what to do, and what your options are. Understandable.

I don't understand what would make her, make up her mind. What are her options. You're pretty convinced that the option of another man in the picture doesn't exist. She does not seem unhappy with you, or presented any gripes or complaints. I don't see where either of you has done anything major to cause this impasse.

Why she won't communicate directly, when she's obviously able to communicate quite effectively in all other aspects is baffling.

It may be time to seek counselling on your own to gain some insight into how her behaviour is affecting you, and maybe some options that are worth pursuing. If she continues as she is, which is pretty much a one way street at your expense, then it might be worth considering more serious measures. Hanging on a thread not knowing which end is up, has to stop sometime.

I'm curious as to what others will say about this. Is it just an unexplainable 'blip' in the marriage? Something that will pass with patience? Will a cause ever be known? Will it boil down to you staying put and just learning how to live with her the way she is?

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Originally Posted by phantompeg

hi and thanks
maybe your right, after 12 years and the occasional time of one of us not in the mood has a bit to do with it.
how did you change and what did you change in that case?
no she has not been at the gym or any type of extra activity to slim down.
she already is slim and has been the same weight forever.
someone told me that maybe she doesnt feel herself or as pretty and is also adding in some faults from her own life. By her doing that and thinking to hard is leading her into depression and her escape might be to pass the buck off at me.
but like i said before I am open to any ideas to get over this state.

i`m wondering what you have in mind when you say change?

thanks

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I changed by being better.
She might be comparing you to others at her work.
"After 12 years, what have you accomplished."
"How many broken promises and dreams?"
This is why a Goal is so important.

I started valuing my time and my importance in the family.
I started being more selective and expect a higher quality of things.
I don't always say Yes.

Did you read the book?

The other advice might help, but the typical Oprah advice didn't help my situation. The typical solutions doesn't answer the question why are there so many divorces.



Your wife is most likely not cheating on you.
She is just not that into you or attracted to you.
Women's attraction is not based on looks, money, status, etc.
It is based on her emotions... on how you make her feel... You must gain confidence (it can be faked).
Take her to a restaurant that is not your usual place.

Read the book, there are a few things in the book that can help gain your "attraction" (Mojo) back. And it will explain in more details.

BTW, don't be needy... that is very anti-attraction.

Sorry fellah, it's over. She's afraid to end it and so are you. Sexy pictures from the shower when you're at work is one thing, but when you are in a different part of the house is quite another. She's building a shell of pretext that the relationship is still alive when you both know it's dead.


Reading any book is useless. You'll never get the relationship back. I once read a book on how to understand women. Page one read "How to understand women. As a man you never will. You might as well devote your time to an achievable goal." The rest of the book was harmonica lessons and I'm now a pretty good harp player.

My point is calling it a day can be braver than trying to make things work. You're miserable, she's definitely miserable and what's this doing to your kids, they're not stupid you know. What your wife is doing is delaying the inevitable. If you wait you will hate each other (trust me I've been there). Get out while you can still be friends. If not for each other then for the kids at least.

Madmic1967, you're new here but this is one of the best posts I've ever read! Great stuff - and funny beside.

Love it!

(The person recommending the book, by the way, is a Psychologist, believe it or not.)

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Originally Posted by phantompeg

hi, for the people that asked to be updated, first off thanks for the advice so far.
the counseling request i have made was turned down again. she says she does not see how a perfect stranger is going to read her and know her better then herself and is still not sure of going. secondly, she has seemed to be more happy past few days but i`m not holding my breath on her happiness because she is like a roller coaster. we went to a movie this weekend and had fun and plan on going out again next week.
(new catch), past two days she sends me text messages from the bathroom No messages just snapshots of her in the shower.
was intriguing and sexy i must say and when she comes out she is great. we rent a family movie once a week as habit and last night was the night. She practically sits on my lap to watch it and spends the time cuddling to watch, BUT the night before (sat night) we had our conversation again and she claimed she wants to try but is still not 100% sure..
I am at the point where i am now unsure and not feeling 100% on if i should move or not. but with dirty texts and things happening i`m finding it extremely difficult to decide on my next move. I really do not want to leave and i do not want her to leave but i do not know how to read this situation anymore and i almost give up.

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Sheesh. I'm not surprise you're confused. All I can suggest is that you suspend judgment or decision for a while and see what happens. She does seem to be making an effort, perhaps even to reignite some excitement. (sexy texts and bathroom pictures)

Why don't you go to counseling on your own? Sounds like you need it.

It is a power play where she has all the cards to manipulate you, and is smart and aware enough, to know what the responses are going to be.

Bottom line is, you really need to make a strong move here to force her cards.

All I can tell you is what I would do, and that would be firstly to stop the game.

I would take a break from the unpredictable and selfish nature of her behavior, and leave for a few days. During that time, I would not contact her. Let her think.

Tell her what you expect in simple terms. Honesty, a decision on her commitment to your marriage, and marriage counselling. Also if it were me, I would not attempt any serious discussions, until she has agreed to your terms, which are not unreasonable.

If she chooses not to try, not to get counselling and remains unsure as to whether she wants the relationship to continue, then you have your answer.

I would stop the silly games to keep you hooked with anatomical parts that have nothing to do with rational thinking.

When you get your brain surgery degree does the school mail you an actual brain or do you work from drawings?

Just would like to know -

I had to send them the one I worked on, so I sent them my husband's. Apparently it was too small, but I passed.

He's been actually more agreeable too, win-win!

You two are a crack up! Thanks for making me laugh - I needed it today.

Some years ago I tried to donate my body to the local Med School. They refused me and said I had to be dead first.

phantompeg,

Although, I respect madmic1967's opinion and he might be right. I have seen what he is talking about and in most cases it is the norm.

However, It is not over, yet.
There is still hope.
There is still a willingness on both sides to make it better.

I wouldn't give up till I gave it my all to change myself. But of course your situation is unique to you and you are the best judge of what to do next.

Hi again, just to update those yet again.
Thanks again for the positive advice some of you have given and thanks for nothing to those that have nothing but negative cover ups for their own failures in life.
Nothing is ever over if you have love for each other and this I have learned past little while. Me and my wife have been going out together, laughing together, talking and being with friends together for the past few weeks and that is why I haven't been on here to keep posted. We have both addressed our pet peeves to each other and we have both agreed to make mental notes to not step on each others toes as best we can. Our sex live has been excellent so far so to the person that says give up its over you have lost your mojo or whatever their quote was. Spare me and others your cheap cover up for the lack of your own man hood that has left you feeling that way. With your words and anyone that agreed I feel sorry for you, you clearly fail at a lot and have a low self opinion of yourself. And if you're a pro then I feel sorry for any client you have because they deserve their money back in full. You have the worst outlook on things and its because your done with yourself.
My advice is give your head a shake and look at yourself before opening your mouth and take your own advice.
There are some things I obviously missed in my life and her the same.
My advice to anybody in this position is:
Keep a clean head, don't get angry, if you really love your partner you will work things out even when it seems like a lost cause and a few nights on the couch.
If your partner is someone you really want to work with, never lose faith in them, they love you always even when you annoy them. ( keeping in mind the problem at hand ofcourse). If you cheat you deserve everything you get.
If your clean, impossible is nothing and you should work with your partner ALWAYS.
And the biggest mistake anybody can tell you is, "give up, its over" or " your partner has lost her/his drive".

Listen to yourself, be firm, be positive, only take in positive remarks.
If its not meant to be because of more serious issues then so be it. But don't sweat the small things, they will iron themselves out eventually...
Believe in your partner and believe in yourself, because a best friend is always worth the battle if you have a love for that person.

I will still check in this site as often as I can, because I have enjoyed the comments some of you have made.
Cheers

I was hoping that you would be back with an update. I was also hoping that things were going better.

I hope they continue to improve. Good luck in the future. :)

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

I was hoping that you would be back with an update. I was also hoping that things were going better.

I hope they continue to improve. Good luck in the future. :)

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Thanks and I`ve been meaning to mention before but had my mind on other things. But if that's your dog in that picture? Nice I have a 6 yr old male that is attached to my hip at all times. Greatest breed by far.

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Originally Posted by phantompeg

thanks and i`ve been meaning to mention before but had my mind on other things. but if thats your dog in that picture? nice i have a 6 yr old male that is attached to my hip at all times. greatest breed by far.

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Thank you. She was a fantastic friend and companion that we lost a couple of years ago now. I hope you have many more happy years with your entire family and special companion.

Hey phantompeg,
(Just a quick disclaimer: I haven't read many more than the first couple post, but I intend to get caught up when I get the chance, hopefully soon.)
Change a few details and you sound like MY husband! We've only been married (5 years) about half the time as you and your wife, and we've got two little girls. Also, he's in the Marines, and I stay home with the babies, so I imagine our situation is actually significantly different for those reasons. Anyhow, I can still relate, just from the other side. I would like to leave and basically escape the marriage struggles and loveless-ness, but I can't/won't because I believe I still have a duty to simply hang-on, if anything for the sake of our daughters. I suspect that your wife is really just trying to do the right thing and is a little confused about what that really is. Like your wife, I too don't wish to go to counseling. We/I actually have done some from a couple different sources, but I find that it only works as a bandaid. My husband is a polite guy and will give the 'right answer' in a counseling set-up, but he won't be real. In my experience, the counselors either man-bash or pat his ego over 'having such a good heart' and simply send us on our way saying that we'll be fine. Also, my husband doesn't trust me and has looked for things thinking he'd catch something, when if fact he's the one with dishonesty on his record -he lied a decent amount in the beginning of our marriage, though to his credit he did change. Anyway, I don't know that I really have any advice; I feel like I actually have something to learn from you about my own husband and our situation. I just figured I'd chime in, and once I get a chance to go read up on all the previous posts I'll probably have more to comment on.
~'til then.

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Originally Posted by shary14

Hey phantompeg,
(Just a quick disclaimer: I haven't read many more than the first couple post, but I intend to get caught up when I get the chance, hopefully soon.)
Change a few details and you sound like MY husband!! We've only been married (5 years) about half the time as you and your wife, and we've got two little girls. Also, he's in the Marines, and I stay home with the babies, so I imagine our situation is actually significantly different for those reasons. Anyhow, I can still relate, just from the other side. I would like to leave and basically escape the marriage struggles and loveless-ness, but I can't/won't because I believe I still have a duty to simply hang-on, if anything for the sake of our daughters. I suspect that your wife is really just trying to do the right thing and is a little confused about what that really is. Like your wife, I too don't wish to go to counseling. We/I actually have done some from a couple different sources, but I find that it only works as a bandaid. My husband is a polite guy and will give the 'right answer' in a counseling set-up, but he won't be real. In my experience, the counselors either man-bash or pat his ego over 'having such a good heart' and simply send us on our way saying that we'll be fine. Also, my husband doesn't trust me and has looked for things thinking he'd catch something, when if fact he's the one with dishonesty on his record -he lied a decent amount in the beginning of our marriage, though to his credit he did change. Anyways, I don't know that I really have any advice; I feel like I actually have something to learn from you about my own husband and our situation. I just figured I'd chime in, and once I get a chance to go read up on all the previous posts I'll probably have more to comment on.
~'til then.

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Please don't answer unless you've read the entire thread. It's simply counterproductive. We are all volunteers here with thousands of responses among us and a response without reading simply complicates answering a question.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by shary14

Hey phantompeg,
(Just a quick disclaimer: I haven't read many more than the first couple post, but I intend to get caught up when I get the chance, hopefully soon.)
Change a few details and you sound like MY husband!! We've only been married (5 years) about half the time as you and your wife, and we've got two little girls. Also, he's in the Marines, and I stay home with the babies, so I imagine our situation is actually significantly different for those reasons. Anyhow, I can still relate, just from the other side. I would like to leave and basically escape the marriage struggles and loveless-ness, but I can't/won't because I believe I still have a duty to simply hang-on, if anything for the sake of our daughters. I suspect that your wife is really just trying to do the right thing and is a little confused about what that really is. Like your wife, I too don't wish to go to counseling. We/I actually have done some from a couple different sources, but I find that it only works as a bandaid. My husband is a polite guy and will give the 'right answer' in a counseling set-up, but he won't be real. In my experience, the counselors either man-bash or pat his ego over 'having such a good heart' and simply send us on our way saying that we'll be fine. Also, my husband doesn't trust me and has looked for things thinking he'd catch something, when if fact he's the one with dishonesty on his record -he lied a decent amount in the beginning of our marriage, though to his credit he did change. Anyways, I don't know that I really have any advice; I feel like I actually have something to learn from you about my own husband and our situation. I just figured I'd chime in, and once I get a chance to go read up on all the previous posts I'll probably have more to comment on.
~'til then.

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Hi, I am by far a pro at this but keeping in mind my own struggles in life I have at the early stages that maybe a quick escape was sounding like a good idea. When we first got married we were up to our ears in debt and that lasted for a year. It was far from an exciting year in our life and I thought maybe to leave it behind and I thought about it for awhile. I had no problem with my wife but I had a problem with how we both looked at those things.. she knew I was having it rough and made a vaild point to me. She told me to stop worrying about what everyone else has and not to focus on things we want but to focus on things we had, such as our home,family,etc etc. I still felt down and curious if I could have it better some way other then what I was in.
I don`t know why you have the feeling of getting away from your husband and I don`t even know if we had the same thoughts. That is something in your head and nobody can read it but you.
In a nutshell after some time I came to realize that ( old saying) the grass is not greener on the otherside. Everyone has their fallouts, pros and cons about them.
And I took notice in what I was hoping to find and thought would be better was right in front of me the whole time but I was to young and blind to notice it.
That was about 9 yrs ago, and I never thought about it since for myself.
Plus we have grown a lot since and have actual careers now that cleared up all our debt and let us to afford things we don`t even need. Snowmobiles,boat,driving toys, trips.
But like I said, that's was just me and my experience if it helped any for you. But only you know what you want.
I am however a firm believer in staying together for the kids sake when you don`t love that person is a ticking time bomb. But again I don't know your issues but I'm guessing maybe because he is away a lot and your stuck at home with kids? That has a major role in it.