Ask Me Help Desk - I don't like my fianc?'s last name

Quote:

Originally Posted by QuEeNy01

I am afraid to tell him because his ex used to make fun of how she would never take his last name if they decided to get married. I know he wants me to take it but how do I tell him I can't?

That's where the pressure is. Should she feel that she has to uphold a tradition that even she always thought she would because his ex used his last name to hurt him?

As for doing what you don't want to in a marriage (otherwise known as compromise): It should a mutual decision that they reach together by practicing effective communication. If they can't discuss this subject because it is too painful due to memories, then they won't be able to discuss anything with a negative emotional aspect. HE has to be as willing as SHE is to make the compromises necessary to build a healthy marriage.

This isn't a decision like where to have dinner or what color to paint the bedroom. Those are compromises that don't affect both people for the rest of their lives. Changing a last name does.

Quote:

Originally Posted by QuEeNy01

i don't like my fiance's last name - what do i tell him

Hello Q:

Tell him that you're about to embark upon a modeling career that is going to make you both fabulously rich, and you MUST adopt a stage name.

excon

OK, then that's enough for us, going back to the OP's original words/request and addressing the OP:

Quote:

Originally Posted by QuEeNy01

I am engaged to the love of my life that treats me like a Queen! He is so wonderful but, as much as I feel for him, I am having a hard time picturing his last name as mine. I just don't like the name at all.

I know he wants me to take it but how do I tell him I can't?

I don't see it as a tiny, minor problem that is ridiculous for me to think about. I have already encountered many serious and difficult problems in our relationship and have not had issues doing such. The name change is significant...a huge, major step and I just wanted some perspective on how to approach something that I saw as an issue.

Based on this, I think it's clear "the talk" is coming and you want advice on how to engage the issue to your benefit.

In my opinion, if it's that important to the love of your life who treats you like a queen... you should explain how difficult this is to do... then do it anyway. In my opinion, this garners the most benefit to both of you, for the reasons I've already explained.

However, it's just as reasonable to find that he would not be irreparably hurt by you keeping your maiden name. Only time will tell if this is true or not regardless of what is said.

So, as per my original suggestion you will have to tell him and the main focus will be for you to manage to be honest without being cruel about it. This will be difficult and perhaps require some practice ahead of time.

But if it's significant enough to risk the fallout that might occur, then you'll need to do it, the sooner the better (after the holidays, that is.).

I wish I knew him and you better because I might be able to suggest some actual peace-keeping phrases.