Ask Me Help Desk - Husband in a Rut

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I think your at a point where he must do for himself, so back away, and give him space, and do for yourself for a change.

Maybe seeing you happy, and active doing your own thing, is what he needs to start wanting to be alive again.

At the very least you can feel better for yourself, until he helps himself by talking to his doctor.

I'm comtemplating doing this because there is another factor in this. He reconnected with an old girlfriend and even though she lives in another province, they talk everyday with texts. I have complained about this but he says I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I mad because he's talking to her and not me. He's not talking to anyone. None of his friends know what's going on in regards to the woman. They all think he's going through a change of life. I know he hasn't cheated on me. I'm not worried about that. I just want to know what they talk about everyday. We get along fine if I don't bring it up.

I have told him I love him and that I want this to work out. I have showed I'm there. He says 'we're fine, it's just him".

So I guess I have nothing to lose if I start going my own way because trying to talk to him just gets him mad and pushes him away. It's just easier said then done. But I'm crying everyday and thinking about this constantly and I'm frustrated. I guess if he wants to have an affair, it really doesn't matter what I do. I just can't help but feel if I back away, he'll take that as I don't care anymore and do something.

Thanks in advance for the support.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilserenity

Then maybe its because you are too concern maybe he is trying to get you to do something instead of waiting and watching him. Or if you don't think thats it then I suggest finding yourself something exciting that you may like to do amke sure he sees how much fun you are having whether it be cooking a meal or baking a cake,even invite friends over maybe he needs more people around him.. Maybe Thanksgiving will bring him back to you..Mayeb he is getting this attention too much slowly break away and find yourself sa hobby like a jigsaw puzzle or anything he can see you enjoying yourself don't make it noticable how concern you are he may get use to having all the attention on him so direct on your life see if he joins in with you in time..Happy Turkey Day of all this advice something shall work I hope and pray.. Mary

It just comes at a full circle. He let me know one month that he wasn't happy and didn't know what was going to happen between us. I then started to make small changes to let him know that I agreed but I wanted to try and work things out. He agreed. Then later he says that he needs to find something to do because he's in a rut. So it's hard to decide what is right and wrong to do. Because one of the complaints he had was that I didn't spend enough time with him. So that was one of the changes I made.

Now with the rut thing, it seems spending time with him and trying to talk to him, is only making things worse. So I'm confused as to what to do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catsmine

Have you considered asking your counselor to stop by and meet your husband? The disability should cover home visits.

You might have to practice a little deception yourself to keep your husband from shutting the counselor out immediately, like not introducing the counselor as "Dr. Pat Whosis" but just "this is Pat Whosis."

If a fresh idea came from outside the relationship, would your husband be more receptive to it?

No I haven't done that because I know my husband would freak. He's adamant about it so I wouldn't attempt it.

I think he would be more receptive to someone else talking to him, that's why I spoke to his friends Tuesday night and let them know all that is going on. So they plan on talking to him because they didn't know it was as bad as it is. They plan on talking to him on the weekend so I'm hoping that will help.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

There is a person very close to me, that fights to keep a very simple life. Everyone has come to the conclusion that that is the way she wants it.

But why. I'm wondering if changes mean more changes, and that is too daunting a task to think outside the comfort zone that he has created. If he is not expected to do anything, he can't fail, or disappoint anybody- including himself. If he knows that he has to change in order to either live up to others' expectations, or his own expectations, then that would only lead to more and more. If he picks up the phone and calls an organization that can help him find re-training, then at the end of that connection, will be expectations to accomplish it.

It would be a difficult thing for him to admit that he is afraid, and that could be what is causing this rut, at least in part. I would be inclined to check this out with his Doctor, and run it by him as a possible reason for this place he has become too comfortable with. I'm not an expert in psychiatric diagnosis, but I'd be personally wondering about depression.

He may not think he can change, or he may think that it is easier not to try and thus avoid disappointment.

You might be right but he won't talk to me about it. That's what's frustrating. I don't know what the next step is in reaching him because he won't talk to me about it. I haven't figured out another approach.