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Originally Posted by jham123

Weight on your Shoulders......Let's just say the power that you have "allowed" him to have over you is the weight. Your Gut is telling you that there is something not quite right about your situation.

Lemme ask you this, from an early age in your tweens, I'm sure you always told yourself that if someone cheated you'd leave them immediately. Now fast forward to today, and that scenario plays out and you allowed him to blame you for it....and you accepted it and stayed......would this explain that weight?

BPD/NPD Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Learn about the characteristics of these disorders, whether your Husband has them a little or a lot or not at all, it still may explain a lot of behaviors perpetrated upon you by Him and with the knowledge comes strength and again "Validation" as a woman rather than a failure.....

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Thank you I will read up on both.
You are so right I did always say that I would never accept this type of behaviour.
Explaining why is so hard. I see myself on this site giving advice to others in similar situations.
Inner strength in many of us is definitely an issue to be understood.
Marriage vows are also something we should really consider understanding before we take the plunge.
For me, they are always in the back of my head even though I am not terribly religious.
I also try to keep my promises and I made a promise to forgive him.
There are many stages to go through when you have been deceived I just wish I didn't have to experience them myself... for richer for poorer... richer in knowledge poorer in pain.

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for richer for poorer... richer in knowledge poorer in pain.

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How true for all of us - it is the pain that we experience that provides us with the knowledge of who we are.

You are feeling betrayed because you gave all of yourself to save your marriage. This is not a bad thing. What is difficult, is that somewhere in there you lost YOURSELF and now you feel that it was not worth the sacrifice.

Still, you have gained something - the knowledge that your marriage is potentially hollow and that you are incomplete. This is not a bad thing. What is difficult is deciding what you should do with this knowledge.

Peri menopause is often a time of reflection and re-evaluation - the pain and regret that we hid away, ignored, or denied comes bubbling back up again made larger and more monstrous by the influence of our hormones.

I think that you need to rediscover who you are again. You are applying for jobs and doing some things that you enjoy like the running. I would encourage you to look to the future - YOUR future - and really try not to dwell on the past. There is probably little point in re-opening old wounds with your husband regarding his 'affair', but I would encourage you to speak with a counselor so that you can express some of the sadness and despair that you are feeling.

There are also many natural remedies that can help lift your mood (and spirits) and assist with balancing the hormones.

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

You are feeling betrayed because you gave all of yourself to save your marriage. This is not a bad thing. What is difficult, is that somewhere in there you lost YOURSELF and now you feel that it was not worth the sacrifice.

Still, you have gained something - the knowledge that your marriage is potentially hollow and that you are incomplete. This is not a bad thing. What is difficult is deciding what you should do with this knowledge.

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And therein lies the $64,000,000. (million Dollar) question. And a very very valid point.

So now, "WE"(me as well) have this knowledge (thanks to you Gemini) the question is... what do we do with the knowledge?

The facts remain glaring, we can no longer sweep them under the rug and hope they don't exist. The Pondering and vacillating is almost more than a single individual should be allowed to bear by oneself.

Runrunrun, this is why I said that I would be watching this thread... maybe an answer will spill out for "us". I'd accept a $6.40 answer at this point...

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

How true for all of us - it is the pain that we experience that provides us with the knowledge of who we are.

You are feeling betrayed because you gave all of yourself to save your marriage. This is not a bad thing. What is difficult, is that somewhere in there you lost YOURSELF and now you feel that it was not worth the sacrifice.

Still, you have gained something - the knowledge that your marriage is potentially hollow and that you are incomplete. This is not a bad thing. What is difficult is deciding what you should do with this knowledge.

Peri menopause is often a time of reflection and re-evaluation - the pain and regret that we hid away, ignored, or denied comes bubbling back up again made larger and more monstrous by the influence of our hormones.

I think that you need to rediscover who you are again. You are applying for jobs and doing some things that you enjoy like the running. I would encourage you to look to the future - YOUR future - and really try not to dwell on the past. There is probably little point in re-opening old wounds with your husband regarding his 'affair', but I would encourage you to speak with a counselor so that you can express some of the sadness and despair that you are feeling.

There are also many natural remedies that can help lift your mood (and spirits) and assist with balancing the hormones.

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Thank you so much for taking the time to give me some guidance it really does help.
When you find yourself in this kind of situation you are so frightened of being seen as paranoid, hopeless, clueless and even manic depressive. One minute you are up and the next in the depth of despair.
I read up on the different personality disorders. I believe that my situation mostly fits stealth abuse. It was so typical where everyone thinks he is the most wonderful person in the world. My parents included. However, once the front door closes I am ignored.
He doesn't put me down so much in words but the ignoring and pointing out how nice and clever everyone else is really hurts.
If I went out with these people would think I was crazy, yes even paranoid.
We actually don't argue. Most think that we have a very harmonious life. It is this that makes others think I should be so grateful for having such a nice husband.
In many ways though I must enjoy being here because I really don't want to break up.
However, on saying that I am and will give it lots of thought to how I will handle this. I know deep down I cannot live my life like this.

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Originally Posted by jham123

And therein lies the $64,000,000. (million Dollar) question. And a very very valid point.

So now, "WE"(me as well) have this knowledge (thanks to you Gemini) the question is...what do we do with the knowledge?

The facts remain glaring, we can no longer sweep them under the rug and hope they don't exist. The Pondering and vacillating is almost more than a single individual should be allowed to bear by oneself.

Runrunrun, this is why I said that I would be watching this thread.....maybe an answer will spill out for "us". I'd accept a $6.40 answer at this point.....

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I only wish I knew, once again I say it is so hard to believe that you are in this type of situation. You waken up every morning hoping it was a bad dream and that you can sigh and feel good.
When you realise it is real. The tears choke you and you do what you have to do to get through another day.
Please keep following it helps with the empathy.
Thank you. Hope you are feeling better too.

Threads merged

I need some honest opinions about what you consider to be an affair.
Maybe I am too sensitive maybe I shouldn't be thinking like I do. I am not young so this has come as such a shock after many years of marriage.
I have already posted one post called betrayed and this tells about my husbands emotional affair.
I consider this to be an affair because of the intensity of the communication, the fact that it went on behind my back daily. His attitude change and how it made me feel when I found out.
Now I really need help in putting things into perspective.
I am trying to understand why I am left with so many strange thoughts and why I cannot put this behind me. ( This happened a year ago)
I don't want to bring this up again with my husband as I feel that in a way that is wrong too.
We all make mistakes, allbeit some worse than others but forgiveness is also something we need to respect.
I have told him that I have forgiven him and life has pretty much returned to it's normal status. Nothing extra nothing less. However I am not sure if I really have completely forgiven and I certainly have not forgotten.

Maybe I have been expecting him to react with excessive bouts of loving, emotional behaviour , which he hasn't.
I don't know what I need him to do to believe that he is being faithful.
He never goes out without me but his affairs happened over the net/phone.
I will never know if the contact has totally stopped and to be honest I don't think it will. I believe that he took such a long time to contact this woman again that he sees it as something he needed to do to rid him of his past demons or something.
Therefore I believe that he will find it hard to lose that contact again like he did many years ago.
I have tried to ask him about this but the silence treatment always wins.

This leaves me feeling like a fool
I love him enough to stay but I feel that he has put her into a position above me and the pain that brings is horrible.
It is so horrible because from the outside it makes me look like the jealous wife and when I react it intensifies this.
I don't want to be in that position and I feel that they have both stripped me of any dignity I ever had.

Apparently they didn't go physical so again I am seen as a control freak because I try to stop old friends communicating with each other... where did I go wrong?
Why do I get so envious when I think of all the time he spent writing to her ( over 1000 text messages in a month ) Why does he never write to me? Why if I call him at work does he never take the time to speak and why does he never call me just to see how I am doing?
Am I just a jealous wife?

If he is not in contact then it will seem like I am paranoid
How can I ever get past this without seeming like a complete nutter?

Sometimes I really want to pay him back but don't know how to. That gives me great
I want to be able to treat him in a way that will make him sit up and take notice, but I don't think he ever will. Have I just become another useless ornament on his collection shelf? And yet I still can't leave or have the courage to ask why...

The only time he really seems to be with me 100% is during the night, he has this need to hold around me and cuddle in, he never did this before and although it is very nivce it is so strange for me to experience this.

To anyone else reading try never to accept what I have accepted because first they punish you and then you punish yourself it is so unfair and very strange.
If I could wind back a whole year I would have taken some time out after telling him how disgusting he was. How easy it is to say that now! To be honest I am not sure I would have. Maybe my husband just knows my weaknesses too well.

Has anyone else dealt with the aftermass of an emotional affair?
Please tell me how you managed to stay and get rid of similar emotions??

Another thing I have never understood, why did he chose to stay with me ?
If this woman gives him so much more pleasure than I do why did he stay?
If he is in contact why would he need to live a lie?

All Good questions...

Why, if things are "better" now between the two of you, Why then does everything feel "The same" as it was before?

Better means BETTER and the same... well the same led to him perusing the internet for emotional fulfillment.

So, you wonder around the house thinking... how are things "better"

Is that threat removed? Maybe... but the marriage is like a Zombie... kept alive by who know what...

I felt I'd add a little... sorry for stepping on your thread

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I need some honest opinions about what you consider to be an affair.

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Sneaking around behind your partners back, for your own selfish reasons. The key is the sneaking around, as it prevents any input by your partner.

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Has anyone else dealt with the aftermath of an emotional affair?
Please tell me how you managed to stay and get rid of similar emotions??

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I have never questioned my trust in my partner, nor faith in her loyalty. She has been upfront and straight in her actions, and words, so I understand her interactions with her male friends, or any male is purely platonic, as I am always invited, and welcome to join in. Sometimes I chose not to, but we have communicated enough over the years where I recognize and understand her need to interact with both men and women. On another point, I have never acted jealous, or insecure, about her actions with others, whether I like her friends, or not (male or female). We also have boundaries of good behavior that we both have defined, and agree on.

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Another thing I have never understood, why did he chose to stay with me ?

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Because you are his woman.

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If this woman gives him so much more pleasure than I do why did he stay?

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She seems to be just a very good friend, and he doesn't hide anything, so what's the big deal as long as you both stay within your clearly defined boundaries of good behavior.

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If he is in contact why would he need to live a lie?

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Because of your reactions of course,

Let be clear, as your maybe mistaking an emotional affair with a good friendship. Are your feelings keeping you from seeing the difference, and is that an indications of poor communications, or lack of understanding your partner? That's something you must decide, so you and your partner can deal with the reality of your situation.

Do you expect him to always cater to your fears, or insecurities? I think you do, as that's where your conflict lies within yourself, when he doesn't, or cannot, and makes it hard to let go of those feelings of fear and insecurities, and seek better ways to deal with yourself, your feelings, and have better communications.

So now every incident adds to the already unresolved, conflicted, feelings you have. They have festered and grown.

The way my wife handles all my female friends, is she stole them from me, and made them hers, by getting to know them well enough to not see a threat where there is NONE. Smart girl.

And yes, my strategy was the same, Hehehe, and I never feel threatened by any male she knows.

Taliniman, I'm not sure you read her other thread.

There was inappropriate behavior on her Husbands part with this other woman.

Stating that it is runrunruns fault may not be the best course of action here.

There is never a good reason to step out on your spouse and she has good cause for doubting him and distrusting him.

I never stated any fault, just re evaluation of motive, and perspective.

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Originally Posted by jham123

Taliniman, I'm not sure you read her other thread.

There was inappropriate behavior on her Husbands part with this other woman.

Stating that it is runrunruns fault may not be the best course of action here.

There is never a good reason to step out on your spouse and she has good cause for doubting him and distrusting him.

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He did not place blame on the OP.He stated that her perspective may be skewed.

I am not sure YOU read what he said or you failed to understand! One or the other.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Sneaking around behind your partners back, for your own selfish reasons. The key is the sneaking around, as it prevents any input by your partner.

I have never questioned my trust in my partner, nor faith in her loyalty. She has been upfront and straight in her actions, and words, so I understand her interactions with her male friends, or any male is purely platonic, as I am always invited, and welcome to join in. Sometimes I chose not to, but we have communicated enough over the years where I recognize and understand her need to interact with both men and women. On another point, I have never acted jealous, or insecure, about her actions with others, whether I like her friends, or not (male or female). We also have boundaries of good behavior that we both have defined, and agree on.

Because you are his woman.

She seems to be just a very good friend, and he doesn't hide anything, so whats the big deal as long as you both stay within your clearly defined boundaries of good behavior.

Because of your reactions of course,

Let be clear, as your maybe mistaking an emotional affair with a good friendship. Are your feelings keeping you from seeing the difference, and is that an indications of poor communications, or lack of understanding your partner? Thats something you must decide, so you and your partner can deal with the reality of your situation.

Do you expect him to always cater to your fears, or insecurities? I think you do, as thats where your conflict lies within yourself, when he doesn't, or cannot, and makes it hard to let go of those feelings of fear and insecurities, and seek better ways to deal with yourself, your feelings, and have better communications.

So now every incident adds to the already unresolved, conflicted, feelings you have. They have festered and grown.

The way my wife handles all my female friends, is she stole them from me, and made them hers, by getting to know them well enough to not see a threat where there is NONE. Smart girl.

And yes, my strategy was the same, Hehehe, and I never feel threatened by any male she knows.

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I don't understand how they can be good friends when he secretly took contact after 25 years of not talking, or why he did this in secret.
He kept his cell phone in his pocket on silent and ran to the rest room every time she wrote.
This went on for 4 months before I found out.
If I was jealous it was mixed with a lot of hurt.
Was this so wrong tallinman?

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Originally Posted by jham123

All Good questions.....

Why, if things are "better" now between the two of you, Why then does everything feel "The same" as it was before??

Better means BETTER and the same....well the same led to him perusing the internet for emotional fulfillment.

So, you wonder around the house thinking...how are things "better"

Is that threat removed?? Maybe......but the marriage is like a Zombie....kept alive by who know what........

I felt I'd add a little........sorry for stepping on your thread

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This is a good question.
I need this type of challenge as you well know the confusion being on the rollercoaster.
Yes it is better but maybe there is a little anger I need to deal with that is coming to the surface.
Deep down I want it to be better , much better and there are still a few niggling points hanging around.
You are right I am like a zombie trying to get me back on track.
I thought I was capable of forgiveness and trust but to be honest maybe I need to work more at that too.
How do others do it?

I don't think it started with jealousy being part of the mix of emotions, but I think it has developed that way as you think about him showing her affection that he doesn't appear to show you. I think that hurt is a big part of the anger and betrayal that you still feel. It is also part of why you are having a difficult time healing.

How are you doing on re-building yourself? Have you gotten any news on the jobs that you are going for?

I ask because I think something that might help you the most would be go about your own life. Do the things for him that you really want to do, but let him fend for himself.

In other words, reset the relationship to the dating point and rebuild it from there. Make a deal with yourself that you aren't going to forget what happened, but that you are going to set it aside and not dwell on it. You aren't going to let it ruin your outlook on life and love.

Don't think in terms of how much affection he shows. Instead think of how you show affection and how it makes you feel. If you get the desire to send him a text saying "I love you", do it not because of how you expect him to respond, but because it makes you feel good to know you sent it. Send him flowers, just because you felt like it. Sometimes doing those little things can help you feel better no matter what the other person's response is.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

I don't think it started out with jealousy being part of the mix of emotions, but I think it has developed that way as you think about him showing her affection that he doesn't appear to show you. I think that hurt is a big part of the anger and betrayal that you still feel. It is also part of why you are having a difficult time healing.

How are you doing on re-building yourself? Have you gotten any news on the jobs that you are going for?

I ask because I think something that might help you the most would be go about your own life. Do the things for him that you really want to do, but let him fend for himself.

In other words, reset the relationship to the dating point and rebuild it from there. Make a deal with yourself that you aren't going to forget what happened, but that you are going to set it aside and not dwell on it. You aren't going to let it ruin your outlook on life and love.

Don't think in terms of how much affection he shows. Instead think of how you show affection and how it makes you feel. If you get the desire to send him a text saying "I love you", do it not because of how you expect him to respond, but because it makes you feel good to know you sent it. Send him flowers, just because you felt like it. Sometimes doing those little things can help you feel better no matter what the other person's response is.

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Spot n Cat I think this sums up me and my situation perfectly
Thank you

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Originally Posted by runrunrun

Spot n Cat i think this sums up me and my situation perfectly
Thank you

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You're welcome.

Good luck finding the inner happiness you deserve. :)

I have been looking over the communication which has developed since I posted this thread.

It has made me so aware of the importance on how we communicate with others.
When we are feeling emotional it is so difficult to put the "big picture" into a few sentances. Neither do we have our body language to help others understand our situation perfectly.
Infidelity brings with it a multitude of emotions that put us into a temporary state of unbalance.

Unfortunately this lets us feel emotions such as jealousy, rage, hurt, confusion, love, hate to mention only a few.

The main thing is to find a way to deal with each emotion before you can move on.
My immediate reaction was to save my marriage and forgive my husband. This was presented with many challenges along the way.
The worst being jealousy. I am not a jealous person at heart but being put into competition against my will with another woman was more than I could handle. Especially one that shared his bed before I did. It took everything from me.
The hardest part was that he went into the affair behind my back. Although this woman was from his home town and friends with his mother I have never been introduced to her.
He had never kept any contact with her as far as I know. So the friendship between them was never maintained. When her own husband left her I am sure my mother in law was giving my husband information. This happened at a time my husband and I were having some difficulties so it was probably then that the affair started.
I felt jealousy not because of their friendship but because I felt that maybe he had never really gotten over her. Where did that put me?
I felt him comparing us and that was so hard.

Well he never left me and I believe the flirting is over but both the feelings I had and the memories have left their scars but I am damned sure that I will not let it take over my life and steer my future.

Knowing that I had feelings f jealousy makes me angry, nor with him, but with myself.

I know that something in me caused the things that happened to me.
When you ask people why they do things, the usual answer is " Because i could"
My husband cheated on me because he could, he kept it secret because he didn't want me to know. Why?
I believe it was because he knew that it was wrong to leave me. Therefore this is the hope I have to hold onto
I want to save my marriage I want to forgive.
More than this I want to feel loved.
Before I can expect this I have to learn to love me first.
I need to forgive myself for allowing the affair to happen.
Don't think I am blaming myself, I am not I just need to make my needs and boundaries clearer to him and I need to know that he respects that. Without that I have nothing.
This will take time.
I am willing to give this time.
I need to do this for me and our future.

Run, it sounds like you are doing your best to face this challenge head-on. That in itself shows the strength of your character.

Good luck and remember you aren't going through this alone. :)

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

run, it sounds like you are doing your best to face this challenge head-on. That in itself shows the strength of your character.

Good luck and remember you aren't going through this alone. :)

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Thank you this support is worth more than gold!

I am glad I can help in any way even if it is just lending an ear (okay, eye :) ).