It is very difficult, speaking only for myself, to understand your culture and arranged marriages. However, I do understand your strong family ties and traditions and your feeling that arranged marriage is the path which you must follow.

I hope you keep us informed about how you are doing, how this works out.

Some people are very comfortable defying traditions and norms; others are not. I also believe this would very possibly be a losing battle for you.

What is the answer for all arranged marriages? I don't know. You seem to have decided on the best course for yourself and I wish you well.

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Originally Posted by BlackVY

This is true, that women in such cultures "Should" stand up for themselves and not accept being treated as second class citizens, however, such an action in said culture would not be tolerated.

In the Indian culture, RESPECT is held so high that no matter what a person who is "higher" than you says or does, you must listen and obey, or is it seen as disrespect and therefore punishable.

It is sad that this is how it is and I do pray for the OP, that things will change, but it will be a very hard and painful road, and quite lonely, because in the Indian society, to stand up for yourself when you are a woman is to disgrace your family, which may cause them to turn their backs on you.

OP, I'm sorry to hear of what you are going through, it is a huge injustice and I wish it wasn't so, but hang in there, because God will make a way...

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Many women caught in this type of rut either turn to parents to sort out their problems, some take divorce and fw opt for second marriage. Most of the women continue to live this kind of life hoping this will change. Most of the women do not raise voice especially those who don't have an earning of their own. They either live in terror or as strangers under one roof.because of the honour associated with the family.I have been married for around 8 years.

By the way I could not understand what was so ugly for a newcomer to the site? I really don't know what jham123 was talking about.
Actually not able to take stringent steps to save one's life due to societal pressures is like an insiult to one's self respect and even one's existence. Because the very purpose of living seems betrayed. What does a person live for? For happinesss ,for companionship , to live life with a zest, to move ahead in life. May be I am being a bit philosophical.
May be things will change for better. I don't know. But I have learned one thing . Not to keep big hopes over anything or anyone.

The saddest part of this is if you have given up hope/trust in anyone or anything.

Totally unrelated but JudyK could you make room for a PM :)

Not all arranged marriages are doomed to be like this. Most of them are happy ones. But in my case I think I was totally befooled into tying the knot . And now family honour is associated with me. How can trust anything when I know the worse was meant to happen to me only. Why me? It could have turned the other way also . For something better that I might like. I am not a very demanding girl . But I also crave for happiness when I see people around me . I know every couple has problems but not to an extent of complete misunderstanding , mistrust or one partner controlling the other. I can't open up fully living under such circumstances.

I have not been brought up in an orthodox environment. My parents treated us brothers and sisters as equals .
And here I am expected to keep low, be submissive, not raising voice .my husband along with his family is an outright orthodox one. Had my spouse belonged to my own class we could have understood each other better because of almost same type of upbringing. But a girl is expected to make severe adjustments even if she is sent to a home much below her status just to save a relationship that is worthless that does not give her happiness ; just to be not treated as an outsider in the society . Its not a marrriage between two people it's a tie between two families in india. I have lost the will to be happy. I would not like to disgrace my family.neither am I happy with the current life.

I don't know what your question is.

Are you looking for sympathy? If that is the case, I do feel very sorry for you that you chose to marry a man in a lower 'class' than yourself. I believe in India you have the option to say no. I understand that there are family consequences to this, an arranged marriage is, after all, a business arrangement between the families. To say no, and maintain your independence is not without cost, but, you could have said, no.

So, you can't have it both ways. You choose this type of marriage with a man you barely know, then discover that you do not love him, and that he treats you poorly. Are you asking for options out of the marriage?

If you have no plans to change your life, get a divorce, and move on, then you need to just settle for this 'low class' man, and hope for the best. You can't complain about him, or his family, or how miserable you are if you choose to stay. It is what it is. It doesn't matter that your family is so much higher on the food chain, and you can point at him as low class; it was your family that chose him for you after all right?

So I ask you, what can you do about your own situation except complain.

I agree with Jake but I'm out of greenies. What exactly is it that you expect someone here to say?

I am - quite frankly - offended by your "he is of a lower class" statements. Perhaps you are causing some of your own problems - and up until now I've been firmly on your side of things.

Now I'm not so sure.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I agree with Jake but I'm out of greenies. What exactly is it that you expect someone here to say?

I am - quite frankly - offended by your "he is of a lower class" statements. Perhaps you are causing some of your own problems - and up until now I've been firmly on your side of things.

Now I'm not so sure.

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May be you are getting me wrong. And it is true that I am not looking for answers. I just wanted to open up my feelings. Perhaps I am not able to explain it. It is just that from a person earning good ,and going places and being successful I expected him to be mature and sensitive enough. But he is not. Perhaps you have not gone through my first post. Its more of a question of subordination and bad treatment than of low or high class.when I don't find answers then eventually this explanation comes to my mind. I did not very much minded his class in the previous years. But what if you get to see some unusual things time and again . It is also true that not everybody from an upper class is very caring and sensiitive.had he been understanding and sensitive the question of class would not have come up. Please don't get me wrong if you think that I am a snob or something like that. Would you tolerate lying, violence, double standard morals ,an overtly controlling behaviour, let alone to which class a person belongs. And what if you are not allowed to raise your voice if you find something intolerable and you are misunderstood . What if you are told that you have to make all adjustments because it is I who has come to live in his house.and if speaking in a loud voice even if you are utterly hurt is considered"unwomanly".while he can speak in whatever manner he like.

In a fit of frustration and anger . I always tend to relate this with difference in classes. I might seem to be wrong but how can I give vent to my suppressed anger.
I am just putting up how I feel. . and I am not at all looking for sympathy.
I think one sholud not get offended . With a disturbed mind I can behardly be sufficiently cautious while writing .
If one is getting offended I may not be submitting any further posts. Perhaps I lack the words that could explain me.

I am not blaming anyone. Perhaps its me who should be blamed for not taking charge of my life.

You have one life, and it is miserable. You are expected to be submissive and obey this man you are married to, and put all your hopes and dreams in a box, and forget about them.

You know what the future holds for you, and I really do feel sympathy for your predicament. While the choice to marry boils down to you, the consequences on both ends, marrying or not marrying, come with a great cost.

Maybe a different way to think about this is, what are you willing to accept, and what do you have to change. If you can accept the marriage, will he accept counselling. Is there any way that he will change.

If it's all set in concrete, and it all boils down to stay, or get out, only you can decide which way you are going to go. If you decide to go, be very aware that you are in a position that will probably increase his bad behaviour, and you have to consider your safety.

Be prepared if you do decide to go, with a plan. Visit a University, or a women's organization that can help you to get out, and to establish yourself as a free woman. Check our all available resources before you do anything.

I'm sure you are aware there will be consequences, but I suspect that your family will support you eventually. I know it is easy for me to offer advice, and I'm trying to think as though I were in your shoes, but the overall picture is so much more complicated because I am an outsider, and would never fully understand the pressure you are under.

But, woman to woman, if I could sit you down and ask you just one question, it would be,
Do you want your freedom, more than you want this marriage. That would be the catalyst or the deciding factor in which direction my decision would be.

justpraying, I understand the need to talk to someone else about your feelings. You do seem to be getting better at expressing them with each post you write. I hope that in writing them down you are getting those feelings sorted in your own mind.

Do you have any way to express yourself like art work, weaving, or writing?

Have you tried finding websites created by other women who share your problems? From what you have written, I think it might help to know that you aren't alone. I can listen and try to understand, but I don't know how much that helps. They might be able to give you some advice that could actually improve your marriage or, at least, your perception.

Here is an interesting article from Time Magazine, about the rise in divorce rates in India. Although not anywhere near the Western numbers, in some areas, divorces have risen five fold in recent years.

Divorce and Remarriage — Indian-Style - TIME

And if you Google, 'Divorce resources women india', there are over 700,000 hits.

divorce resources women india - Google Search

You may also find some inspiration from this reference:

Indian Women and Violence - Bibliography - Fall 1996

Kindly go through this message instead of the first post as that one contains many faults and mistakes.

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Originally Posted by justpraying

My husband comes from a low class background. Ours was an arranged marriage. In our sociey it is enough that a man earn sufficiently. That is the only major criteria. After marriage he started showing his true colours. He expects me to respect him obey him irrespective of whatever he does. He can say anything even abuse me but if i raise my voice he turns violent. He also says he got less dowry although he got more than sufficient money and numerous other gifts for him and his low class narrow minded idiotic family, . Still he thinks that since he is the man and i do not earn i should do just what he says . I should love him, sleep with him even if he abuses me or does not provide me with my necessities. he wants to keep control over me. I have to think a lot before saying anything (even in a fit of anger) that can offend him but he says whatever he wants and expects me to forget everything and be normal. Our society is not very open to divorce and a lady divorcee is looked down upon . My parents regret about my marriage. There is a huge difference in our backgrounds. Its just that he earns sufficiently. i have to ask him for money for my needs every time and he makes me realise that i am dependent on him. I feel betrayed. I am very sensitive and it hurts me to live with an altogether insensitive and unthinking person . He thinks there is no fault with him. Even after a violent fight and an abuse he expects me to be nice and obedient to him. How am i going to survive. Sometimes he is good to me. . He often taunts me for not earning money.my parents also want me to stay in this marriage because of societal pressures. It is not easy for a woman to live alone here in india. I have no emotional bond with him. What do i do.

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I have never encountered this type of male chauvinism at least not to this extent.

Threads merged for the whole story.

My family thinks that I should succumb to him because ultimately he is the caretaker of me.
Moreover they say that they have seen the world more than me and so they advice that I would not be able to handle pressures of living alone without a partner , for it is he who will be there for me in old age to take care of me.
Since it is I who is going to his home to live with him I would have to tolerate with him and all will change with time.
After all it is he who is earning. I am feeding myself on his money they say.
I think if I start earning money will I be able to live alone then. The answer again is no.
Myself respect is destroyed to such an extent that I feel almost worthless.
Without self esteem and confidence there is no life.
I am often overcome by anxiety. I feel very much disturbed because either way life certainly would not be a bed of roses.
I just want to live in peace that seems miles away from me.
I had never thought in my life that I would have to face this situation one day.it has not as yet sunk in.
I am endowed with good attributes if not with the best ones.inspite of these I have to face these turbulent times. It is really nerve wrecking.
I don't feel like enjoying anything.it has created destructive impact on my mind.

Will god provide me with some peace? Or he barely listens to the needy.
If he has created this situation for me why does not he show me a way to come out?
Don't I have the right to be happy or god does not want me to be happy. I don't know.

HE is supposed to be beneficient, that is what they tell us, so why would he not want you to be happy and at peace.

However, we all make our own happiness and therefore some peace for ourselves along the way. Trust in yourself.

Tick

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Originally Posted by justpraying

why sholud i live the life of a subordinate inspite of me being much more deserving of life's happiness.

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What are you doing to make yourself more deserving of life's happiness?

Please think clearly.

Take some steps to rectify this situation, and happiness will ensue.

You cannot be looking down upon people and expect them to treat you well. If you had anything against his background, social status etc. you should have thought of it before getting married. When you were getting married you must have had enough reasons to do that - please remind yourself of those good reasons. And begin from there to improve your life ahead. With time, it would be "your family" to make, especially once you get children.

Alternatively, you could talk to your parents more clearly about walking out of the marriage, educate yourself and make yourself more independent financially.

Take care.

Please keep all the questions about the same issue in the same thread, so that we can follow your story and give you more appropriate advice.

It's not what your family wants. It's what you want and need. You're obviously not happy in this marriage. Why continue to suffer? That's a very unhealthy lifestyle. You deserve better than this.

Sorry you don't like the guy you married, and as I read through this, and finished merging your post, it struck me as this is more about how you relate to each other, than the traditions, cultures, castes, or even the wishes of your parents. He may be thinking he is allowed to behave badly, but it is you who draw the lines as to what YOU will accept, or not.

I think it comes down to your standing for yourself within this house you share, and let him know (as women have done through out history) that if your not happy, he will never be happy, nor have peace in his own house.

Arranged marriage or not, its always about being who you are, and doing what's best for you.

Either go, or stay, that's up to you, but being submissive all the time, does you no good. Pick your times, and stand up for yourself.

You either help shape your life, and your happiness, or drown in your own shat.

You also need an older female friend, for tips, and pointers, and just to vent.

While I agree that you have to put your foot down, and demand some equality in your home, this type of action for you could also open the floodgates for his family, and your family, to put even more pressure on you to conform.

From how you are feeling right now, I don't think you could ever win that battle. He has the support of both families, and hundreds of years of history to justify his position, and his actions against you.

The feelings you describe of low self esteem, depression and anxiety, are a result of the life you are living right now. How do you plan to address these issues, even if you stay.

I am curious to ask you this question. If you decide to contact any women's organizations for help, and realize that you can get out of this situation, do you think that the aftermath is worth the effort? Do you think that you will be less anxious and depressed on your own?

It is hard for you right now to see the forest because of the trees, and it's not like you can just go have a cup of tea with one of your friends who have been through similar situations. As it is uncommon, and frowned upon by both men and women, you have to seek help outside your 'normal' life, in order to get an idea of what your options are.

I had posted some women's resources in an earlier post. Try to see your way clear to getting some good information to balance out what you think are your options. You may be surprised at what is available to you, but at least you will have some idea of what you can do to improve the quality of your life.

To be isolated is further contributing to your situation. But, you have the internet, and you have a phone. Even if you choose to stay, at least you will make a choice based on balanced information.