Quote:

---

Originally Posted by katlego31

what kills me more is we see each other everyday, we share the same seat and sitting next to him knowing very well that he is no longer mine kills me. he seems fine about everything its like nothing ever happened between us. he talks to me normally and when i try to bring up the issue of our relationship he just ignores it and talks about something else.

---

Right here should tell you that you didn't mean anything to him while you read too much into his using you.

The grass isn't always greener and love is a commitment it isn't about feeling the sparks.
Try to find what it was about him that you once loved. Find it in yourself to have a change of heart for your husband. If it takes going to marriage counselling do it.

Also if you do divorce your husband can not simply say the kids stay with him. You go to family court and file for primary custody and child support.

Sadly when we behave badly, life gives us onions. You've just been handed a big one.

You didn't deal with the source of your original discontent and you were too lazy to do anything about the dissatisfaction you felt in your marriage. It was easy to drift into infidelity with the 'love of your life'. Well, now it appears that the love of your life has a conscience and that your feelings for him are stronger than his were for you.

Karma has an odd way of letting us know that we've done the wrong thing, because now you're faced with seeing him on a daily basis knowing that he's actually not interested in you any more and you feel that he's all you've got.

I don't think that there is anything you can do about him. He's made his decision. It sounds final.

But you must do something about yourself, your dishonesty and your marriage. Three years is a long time to be in a rocky marriage. For heaven's sake if you don't want to be in it, end it. Be truthful and honest with yourself for a change. It's not fair to your husband or to your children to continue living a lie.

I can understand how this happened.

You have, for four years, watch your husband deteriorate. He's not working, he's not trying to find work. He's picky, and you have tried to help him get back on his feet, and explained that hardship that his decisions make, are on you. You are the primary income generator, and you have two young children to support, a household to maintain, and an unemployed, probably depressed, husband.

You've tried talking to him, and his needs are greater than yours. He makes no changes, and he doesn't even agree to try to help himself, nor does he understand how his behaviour is affecting you. It results in arguments which leave you hurt and confused.

Four years is a long time to try to get a marriage back on track, and a husband back on track. Let alone pay the bills, do all the things a mom does with two young kids, and somehow make ends meet at the end of the month. Not to mention a pretty much deadbeat husband to deal with.

I think that after four years I would be offering the suggestion of a divorce too. My hope and stamina that he'd get his life back on track would have fizzled out. I don't believe that he couldn't have taken a job that wasn't exactly what he wanted, but him being so picky, he chooses unemployment instead.

The one day, things change for you. You meet a man on your regular bus to work, and he pays attention to you. He's kind, he's attactive, he works, he seems to care about you. Is it any wonder that you are attracted to him? Its like exiting a cave after four years, and seeing that not all men are hairy beasts with clubs, thumping their chests for dinner.

There is a whole world of possibilities out there! Friendships are intoxicating when they are new. It makes you feel good about yourself, and gets you thinking that life could be better than what you have now.

But, the man on the bus was never yours. You have lost something you never had in the first place, and that was a commitment from him of any shape or description. I believe he was leading you on, and giving you false hope and promise, just like your husband has been doing the past four years. Enough to keep you hanging on, but not enough to satisfy your needs and take steps to develop a real relationship.

Your husband has a good thing going, and he likes things the way they are. After four years, that's obvious. Him threatening to take your girls away is a common tactic of control without substance. It is an idle threat. He has no way to support the girls, without getting off his and getting a job.

You don't have him either. He is not interested in helping himself, and he's not interested, after four years, of addressing your needs in order to improve the marriage. He is stuck in a rut that you have been unable to pull him out of. You tried, and you failed.

From the man on the bus, take that as a sign that life can be better than what you have settled for. There are decent men out there. BUT, they are not married with heaps of baggage, and they don't go looking for a little on the side with any intention of divorcing their wives for the most part. That was what you found. Not a good prospect, and not a good replacement. You have fallen for someone who offered you a few kind words, and thought he could get a little on the side, as you've found out.

From the man in the house, you need to make decisions. If, after four years of trying, he is still unmotivated to help himself, address the problems in his marriage, and the best he can come up with is idle threats to keep you providing for him, you need to really think seriously about either setting some concrete goals with him through marriage counselling, or get out.

You have had a taste of both worlds, and to me at least, neither world is what you need right now.

If you can set some goals, and stick to them, and prepare yourself for life, possibly without your husband, and get on your own two feet, then start looking for love, but not in any other order.

You need time, anybody does, after the breakup of a marriage, to find out who you are, and what you want out of this life. You need to deal with the emotional aftermath of being single, and responsible for yourself and your girls. To be comfortable in your own right, and strong enough not to need anybody, is really the best place to start considering adding a man into the mix.

I wish you well, and it is not an easy road you face.

You should have been divorced long ago, and given yourself a chance to get your own act together, before even considering another guy at all. Its not to late. Start a new smarter you, now.