Ask Me Help Desk - Baby commitment

I'm not even convinced there has to be a critical period when mothers "have" to be full time. Nobody says that children will ruined forever if their fathers aren't full time fathers for six weeks, let alone six years. What's important is that children of every age have reliable adults who care for them, provide consistent structure, and love them. The more the better. I am a great believer in lots of adults in a child's life. They can be relatives, friends or hired help. They key is that they be the right person.

When my kids were little, I used both baby sitters and various kinds of day care and there was never any question of my kids not loving me! They are 16 and 20, don't do drugs or have any major issues, and are close to me and affectionate.

I read one study that showed that relatives provided the lowest level of care to young children--were the most likely to neglect and leave them in front of the television for long periods, compared to a professional babysitter or day care provider.

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Originally Posted by winding200

However, if you did not have real 'having nanny' experience, how do you know all children will hate their mother automatically? It is a stereo type.

Thank you for finally fleshing out your point of view and explaining things much more coherently. I apologize if I came across as unfeeling. I spent four years of college working for families loaded with "old money" in the Chicago suburb called River Forest, home at the time to radio personality Paul Harvey and crime boss Tony Accardo. I babysat frequently (entire weekends at times), accompanied these families on short trips, and also ironed clothes (before perma-press), shoveled snow, grocery-shopped, and cleaned their homes. I spent my junior year living in a private home working for room and board, caring for six children (one with CP) of a physician whose wife did not work but was very involved in community activities. Too often these River Forest children were spoiled by being given many "things" but missed out on parents' love and attention. There were exceptions, of course, but too often the children were relegated to their own wing and were not allowed unaccompanied into the highly decorated adult living areas, stayed home with a sitter or a nanny while parents flew to Europe, and were paraded briefly in front of guests. That's my experience with very busy parents who probably shouldn't have had children. Again, I apologize.

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Originally Posted by asking

It sounds to me like you two have VERY different expectations and needs that are likely to lead to severe conflict down the road. It might not seem romantic, but these are foundational issues in a marriage.

I personally think you are right to be having all these questions.

Asking,
Great advice and insight! I enjoyed your post, and it was very helpful.

My husband is a giving person, loves to take care of family. His view point is he will be the good provider, I should be finance worry free, just focus on babies & and quality family time. I think his side of main focus is to 'man up', and show off his capability as a good provider. He wants to be fully involved in raising kids, he always does what he says, and I am sure he will give me good hands. He can be very delicate, considerate, and detail oriented than me sometimes, I am sure he will be a loving father.

For me, I really like to work in very challenging professional work as I do now. For me, work is not something gives me only paycheck, (I am not saying I do not appreciate paycheck & pay day is my happy day), but opportunity to work through challenges, lead people & company, and gives me achievement feelings, which makes me alive.

We talked about it in dept last night, and my husband finally realized that his offer is not what I wanted, and he needs to give and take to make me happy. What I want is against his family tradition (he is III, and his father is junior), we will face major complaints from his mother, but he promised he will be open minded for me. It was very good talk. He apologized he did not intent to make me incapable & depressed woman. He said he was too excited about baby, shifted his priority on baby so quickly, and he must forgot about me when he made announcement to family & friends.

Basically we both agreed that I will be a good fit for super mom. I have enough energy, passion, good at managing multiple tasks, and love challenges. Although we do not know how it will impact pregnancy & babies in detail, and he agrees if it does not impact kids & my health, I should work on my career at the same time. We decided to play by ear, and work on the pregnancy part first since we are not getting any younger. It is a good start. I am planning to get long maternity leave upon pregnancy, get healthy babies first, and will arrange everything around it. If there is a will, always there is a way. I think I can negotiate flexible work hours & remote working days, and it will be helpful options to make me come back to work. I do not know how and when I can come back to work for full force at this point, but we will figure something out.

Thanks for your support.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I apologize if I came across as unfeeling.

There were exceptions, of course, but too often the children were relegated to their own wing and were not allowed unaccompanied into the highly decorated adult living areas, stayed home with a sitter or a nanny while parents flew to Europe, and were paraded briefly in front of guests. That's my experience with very busy parents who probably shouldn't have had children.

You are welcome. Apology is accepted. I knew you did not mean to be unfeeling.

For the prestigious River Forest family, it is a good example again, but I do not think it is norm. It is too bad the physician's wife did not work, but almost abandoned her children and focused her own activity. I have 2 cents from my side about the left over kids with a sitter or nanny from 'luxurious trip to Europe' based on my experienece though.

My husband and I met in Europe during business trip. When we met, he traveled 80% of time in Europe, I traveled 60% of time in Europe and North/South America. Traveling Europe is not automatically luxurious as many people think. You have to deal with the pointless hassle in airport, long flight through high altitude on a small seat, cold & closed airplane space with various health condition people, and painful time gap before you enjoy Europe. Most of time I found myself with woozy feeling in stomach, stiff neck and shoulder, and disoriented feeling in head upon arrival. I took multi vitamins & flue shots religiously to avoid to get sick during trips. It is not fun, but definitely stressful on your body. My husband and I will be very skeptical to take small children to Europe.

My husband and I both changed our jobs before we got married, we do not have take business trips anymore. We have been off from the frequent flying for 3 years now, but still our ideal vacation is going somewhere 'NOT GOING THROUGH AIRPORT'. So, our first choice is cruise, and the last choice is flying.

Although, my co-worker could not wait to show Paris to his new born son, he took his wife & son, happily took family pictures with Effie tower, and proudly displayed them in his office. It is his way to love his 3 month old son. Did the baby appreciate the Paris, and will remember it in future? I guess not. But the baby slept through for the entire Europe trip, parents were happy by the fact that 'they took the lovely son to the most favorite place in their mind', and that is all count.

Once again, there is no rules in parenting just like other relationships. When parents love children, they will 'do their best based on their belief' to make children happy. I like to believe that the River Forest family parents also loved their children very much, but parent differently.

If your not ready to sacrifice your life for your children, then don't have them. Having kids is a life changing event for you both.

Sacrifice means commitment, giving up things. People who decide to keep working give up different things. Deciding what particular tradeoffs we want to make is an individual choice. If working doesn't make fathers bad parents, working won't transform a good mother into a bad one.

Volunteering at the PTA, making cookies for church, and other activities also take a mother away from her kids. But we don't condemn those as contrary to being a good mother. Kids don't need to be with their mother every second of every day.