Ask Me Help Desk - In love x 2

Quote:

Originally Posted by artlady

I think all of us strong intelligent women and men around her tell it like it is to the girls and the boys!
I'm trying to wrap my head around that and I don't know if I am .
Relationships are so friggin complicated.
Its all because Men don't communicate! I'm serious! :eek:
There are like little kids. :eek:

C'mon just kidding! Stop the hate mail :) LOL

Quote:

Originally Posted by twentytwo22

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year, and have been together a little over 2.

Our relationship was great (at least better) pre-wedding. However, the stress on me during wedding planning and changing jobs and other life-issues put a damper on our relationship during the time of our wedding. I overlooked some potential issues I had with him because I was so busy planning. I let it consume me, and stopped working on our relationship.

To make a long story short, I'm not sure I can ever be happy in a relationship. There is always someone else out there that strikes me as better, more interesting, more fun, etc. Prior to my husband, I would just go from one serious relationship to the next, with no downtime. I have never really been single. I am 28.

Neither my husband nor myself put any effort into our relationship. He has not worked a real job in the time we've been together, and I have supported us through most of it. He was unsure of what career path in life he wanted to take, and spent most of the time playing video games and being depressed. We stopped doing things socially and stopped doing anything fun together. We stopped communicating with one another.

I started talking to a man I met online. We correspond electronically and on the phone. We met for a couple days and I had an affair. He is 22. He says all the right things, about how he will make me happy, how he will never let me be the sole supporter of the family, how I should smile constantly, etc.

It has been 3 months since I started talking to this guy, and I finally filled my husband in on some of the issues that we have that we both need to work on. My husband is willing to put in the work and effort to fix us, and I decided that I am as well.

However, the young man will not understand this. He thinks that because I've never been that happy in my marriage, I won't ever be. He is saying he is going to leave his home state tonight and move closer to me. He has also mentioned some alarming things that make me think he may hurt himself. I am concerned for him, and I hate making people unhappy.

I don't know what to do. 75% of me knows I should give my marriage with my husband a fair shot, with us both trying to make it right, thereby cutting off contact completely with the younger man. 25% of me wants to just up and leave, and comfort the other guy and make sure he is ok, and hope for happiness with him.

I realize I was wrong in getting involved with the young man, and that I definitely deserve any tough choices and heartbreak I endure during this process. I'm not sure this is even much of a question anymore. Typing this out has helped me to see it in a new perspective perhaps, but my main issue is that "what if" nagging feeling... What if I am passing up on something wonderful to stay not happy for the rest of my life?

You have an affair with a guy you met on the internet while doing what? Hunting. You said that you were stressed by planning the wedding, new job, issues... And you stopped working on the relationship. What was the rush? Those things should have been "worked out" BEFORE you said yes. Now you have an affair with a 22 year old, for what? To make you feel better? Did it work? He's 22, just really starting to become an adult, and he meets a woman 6 years older, who rocks his world. Did you think he WOULDN'T follow you around like a little puppy? When asked if you actually told your husband about him, you said " I just couldn't do that to him", but you could CHEAT on him. You decided that you MIGHT want to stay with your husband, and talk to him about HIM working on some issues. Meanwhile the 22 year old is lovestruck,lovesick, whatever you want to call it, and threatens to hurt himself just to play games, and you fall for it, worried about HIM more than your husband.
I think you OWE it to your husband to tell him the truth, and hope and pray that he will keep you. I think that the fact that you chased after a younger guy like that, shows immaturity on your part. Like someone said, YOU have work to do. On commitment, honesty,etc. Does the fact that he's unemployed, depressed, and plays games, make all of this mess right? You shouldn't have gotten married yet, but YOU DID. Deal with it. You can start by coming clean.

What did your vows say? Was honor in there somewhere?

If I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry. But you THINK you have a choice of two men. NOT really, not yet you don't.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Now that you realize that the online boyfriend is missing a few taco's short a combination plate, your husband doesn't look so bad. You feeling like you need to make sure the boyfriend is okay is not honest in my opinion. You want to know that your dirty little secret is safe, and it's easier to say you 'care' about him, that what I think the real reason is, and that is, you are afraid, but you like the drama at the same time, and you really don't give two hoots about either man.

I have agreed and come to terms with many things that have been said on this forum, as I realize you all spare no feelings when giving your advice or thoughts on a situation. However, this paragraph is completely untrue. In all honestly, I was actually concerned for the young man's well being. It's hard to think about someone you care for (albeit illicitly) laying in a hospital bed unconscious. And I am pretty certain my "dirty little secret" is safe for now, unless I choose to disclose that information with my husband. And to say I don't give a hoot about my husband is a falsity as well. I realize it's easy to say I don't because of my behavior, but I honestly do love him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

He's 22, just really starting to become an adult, and he meets a woman 6 years older, who rocks his world. Did you think he WOULDN'T follow you around like a little puppy? When asked if you actually told your husband about him, you said " I just couldn't do that to him", but you could CHEAT on him. You decided that you MIGHT want to stay with your husband, and talk to him about HIM working on some issues.

I guess I never really thought that men would follow an older woman around like a puppy. I guess I've always assumed men always want younger, skinnier, etc.

And you are incorrect in saying about my husband that that I talked to him about HIM working on some issues. We talked about things that we both need to work on and do. It was definitely not one-sided.

Quote:

Originally Posted by twentytwo22

I guess I never really thought that men would follow an older woman around like a puppy. I guess I've always assumed men always want younger, skinnier, etc.

And you are incorrect in saying about my husband that that I talked to him about HIM working on some issues. We talked about things that we both need to work on and do. It was definitely not one-sided.

You need to talk to him about the other guy.

Well, you all were right. I'm not sure if I didn't believe you or thought myself invincible, or what. But now I am in more of a living nightmare, all of which I created and deserve. I am not complaining, perhaps it's even therapeutic in some sick way. After 6 months of no contact with the young man, he out of the blue finds a way to contact my husband and break the news.

Just wanted to confirm your predictions.

Quote:

Originally Posted by twentytwo22

Well, you all were right. I'm not sure if I didn't believe you or thought myself invincible, or what. But now I am in more of a living nightmare, all of which I created and deserve. I am not complaining, perhaps it's even therapeutic in some sick way. After 6 months of no contact with the young man, he out of the blue finds a way to contact my husband and break the news.

Just wanted to confirm your predictions.

Sorry to hear that. It's called karma.

As I said previously, this is not about your husband or the toy boy - this is about you taking responsibility for your actions.

Your toy boy found a way of forcing you to do that.

Fate moves in mysterious ways.