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What's hard in your situation is he is not your son but it is your house so you have to say my house my rules and make that list.
It would really depend on how much your husband is going to back you up on what else you can do.
Evaluations/Counselling
Meds or change in meds
Not take him out in public
Changing his diet if necessary
Are all things you can try
If he is on meds he may need them changed or up the dose.
You need to find ways to change his behavior habits.
How is it possible as a HOMAN BEING? Don't they have basic etiquettes or sorry feeling at all? Am I dealing with a monster and talking to a wall? I am losing my mind.Quote:
Originally Posted by N0help4u
This crazy boy is not my son. Why should I be a victim for a life time? Please be honest for me. If you are in my situation, will you keep this marriage?
I think it really helps.Quote:
Originally Posted by N0help4u
For diet, I can tell right now it has to be changed. The boy should not drink caffeine included soda which will make him hyper, but my husband allows him to drink any and provides it. The boy probably drinks 4-5 cans of coke a day. How stupid is that.
I am sure they feel sorry to a degree but the full impact of their actions relating to your wrecking probably won't really sink in.
You need to discuss it with your husband and see how much he is willing to back you up on this. Then you need to make and set the rules
If his son continues the behavior you may just have to say MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY.
You said he is leaving in two weeks?
Give it the two weeks to start and implement the rules. Then when he comes back if he breaks and shows no effort in straightening up then maybe you will have to consider telling your husband you are through at that point.
Okay I was waiting for your reply on his dietQuote:
Originally Posted by myagony1234
He needs to cut out things like soda, pizza (occasionally is okay), fast food, junk foods, processed foods and go with more old fashioned home cooked meals. The longer and more unfamilar ingredients are the worse it is for a kid with ADHD.
You can read these two books but this is one thing your husband is really going to have to back you up on.
Amazon.com: The Crazy Makers: How the Food Industry Is Destroying Our Brains and Harming Our Children (9781585421046): Carol N. Simontacchi: Books
Amazon.com: Brain Allergies: The Psychonutrient and Magnetic Connections (9780658003981): Willam Philpott, Dwight Kalita, William H. Philpott MD, Dwight K. Kalita PhD, Linus Pauling PhD: Books
OH also when you make a list of house rules tape one on the refrigerator, one on the computer desk and one on his bedroom door.
Laminate it or put it in a frame if you have to.
Can't rep you but it is so clear that the father is doing this kid more harm that good.I would add to the rules that Dad needs to take some parenting classes and learn how to effectively deal with his son.This is a kid who is going to end up in trouble if someone doesn't reign him in!Quote:
Originally Posted by N0help4u
Having read everything so far in this thread I have come to the same conclusion when I just read your original post.
You need to consult immediately with a good divorce attorney and get those two mental cases out of your home (and life) at once!
They saw you (yes, both of them) as an easy mark and the more that you let them get away with, the more and more they took advantage of you.
There is no saving this marriage. There was really no marriage. It was just a way for daddy to live rent free, work free and have his little monster child live with him and enjoy life on your dime. Sorry to be so blunt, but I see that some other members are trying to give you great advice like "counseling" "rules of the house" etc. Well, they will not work period. Sorry. I know what manipulative people can do to a good hearted soul like you obviously are. What do they do you ask? They run over the goodhearted person like a locomotive with 200 heavily loaded freight cars dragging behind it.
Those two will never, never change. The baloney of him trying to get a job I don't buy for one minute. He will never get a job. Why should he? He's got it made in the shade. He can spend all the money he wants on his rotten kid or better yet, send you the bill for it.
I don't know what you do for a living, but as a professional woman you must have some common sense and definitely some smarts. Commuting 2 hours one way to work while those two ingrates sit at home is astonishing to me for you to put up with.
Honey, if you don't stop this insane merry go round ride NOW before he gets more entrenched and gets you more into debt, you will never untangle yourself from him and definitely that rotten 15 year old hellion, your life will be much worse than it already is now. (Yes, it will get worse as they will lie to you repeatedly like an alki would swearing they are giving up booze).
I am 62 years old. I've had a lot of life experience that most people have not acquired in their lives. But I can tell you one thing that I can do, I can spot users a mile away. The husband is a user. The kid is a user. You don't need either one of them. You need to wake up and face the fact that you made a horrible mistake marrying him. Why did you marry him instead of living together for at least 6 months? Yes, I realize you were lonely, etc. but MOST women do not have a wonderful husband as you described adore them, they have monsters who abuse them. You were extremely lucky having a wonderful loving husband who happened to die too soon. I am sure if he could say something to you it would be to "unload those two moochers immediately if not sooner".
Having married him is going to make it a bit tricky to get rid of them, but if you consult with a good divorce attorney and follow their advice you should be able to get them out of your life much sooner now than say, 4 years from now.
Having the daily stress of those two at home spending money is horrendous. Having a car accident due to the nightly shennigans is telling me that those two are trying to team up to possibly eliminate you. I don't put it past either of them (especially the kid).
Please make an appointment with an attorney as soon as possible for your own personal safety and emotional well being.
They both are monsters and you don't need to keep being tormented by them.Quote:
Originally Posted by myagony1234
Please, please make sure that your 2 children understand the horrid situation you are now living through at home in case something horrible happens to you. Keep in touch with them daily, if not several times a day if possible.
I think those two are "double teaming" you at this point. I don't think your accident was just an innocent accident. Driving in heavy traffic for 2 hours is worse than nerve wracking - it takes all a person's focus to be accident free and those two want to make sure you are not able to properly focus while driving.
Ahhhh so he married her for a permanent built in babysitter?
I figured when the two weeks was up and son went back to mom they could work on their relationship and work on son when he was shipped back to her.
I must say, I must (re?) read the original post.
twinkiedooter,Quote:
Originally Posted by twinkiedooter
Thanks for your concern, and your sincere advice. I clearly understand what you are trying to say to protect me. I have been lucky enough to live with 'good people' until now, and I treated this man in the same way. I must to be too naïve than average people.
Saturday, my husband took me out, brought me flowers, expensive lingerie gifts & sorry cards (from him and his son for the accident) and dinners, and tried to talk it over. I told him it is too late, and I do not see any reasons to keep this marriage. I asked him to take his son and leave ASAP. He told me 'I' broke his heart, and begged me another chance with tears. He told me he would do anything to fix it, and it was huge mistake to have the boy in my house for entire summer. Here is a big twist. He told me he married for love, he does not want my money in any case, showed me a very big saving account & pension he never talked about, and told me it is for our future, and he is in a good situation to take care of both of us after retirement. (these secret accounts made me more angry.) He swear he would keep the boy in dorm while he is in college not in my house. (He is saying it was the boy's imaginaiton, and he never told him to do it) He admitted he went too far, he took advantage from my good nature, I have been the best wife in the marriage while his son is very difficult child, his patenting was poor, he would follow all the rules I will give from now on, and he will give me all authority to control his son. I heard he was up & crying all night long.
Saturday night, I talked to the boy alone, he had to leave due to the marriage problem. Surprisingly the boy comprehended very well, and made an intelligent conversation with me, apologized for the interruption he made at that night, and packed his stuff by himself. The boy even vacuumed the family room for me.
They both left Sunday morning. I have had a peaceful day since. During summer break, I have my kids in my house, and they are taking care of me very well. I have a formal family counseling on August 14th, a meeting with divorce lawyer on August 21st.
Thanks for support, everyone. I am very calm, sad, exhusted, and heartbroken.
N0help4u,Quote:
Originally Posted by N0help4u
Here is the right information. My husband has half custody until the boy is 18. The right arrangement would be he has the boy for half summer, but he kept the boy in my house for whole summer this year. It caused all the drama.
Saturday, my husband told me that he would go to court to change the custody to have the boy 'for only every other weekend and half summer' to save our marriage. He also told me that he would not have the boy in my house while he was in college, but keep him in dorm. Thanks.
I'm glad to hear things are going well. I wish you all the best. I think you touched a lot of hearts here, I know you sure touched mine. GOD bless you.
Had you not taken a stand, I doubt that your husband would have made any changes, or promises to make changes.
This isn't about the son, although the father is making it out to be that way.
It's about the deception, him freeloading, not being honest about his own finances and contributing, also about his son of course, as he didn't fully tell you the truth.
People who control other people, as he did you with his actions, are oh so remorseful when they are caught. He would have likely been quite happy to keep things as they were if you had not made decisions, and it would only have become a worse situation for you.
People like your husband are also very sly and convincing when they want you to believe they have 'seen the light' and they want to change. They seem oh so sincere and apologetic, and have you wondering if he was really that bad in the first place.
Him changing the custody agreement with his son and his ex-wife, has nothing whatsoever to do with you. He is sadly using the son as an excuse to make things better for himself (with you), and that is really sad. He is counting on getting back together with you, or, he would have a place of his own and keep the custody arrangement he already has. It's what he wanted after all right?
Please stay strong. Don't be swayed by false promises, changed attitudes, and any hope that he has really changed, because he hasn't.
Just like when he met you, he'll try his best to get what he wants, and he did. Now he will try even harder not only to get back what he had, but to gain even more.
I am really, really proud of you for taking a stand, and being strong. Awesome news that you have a family counselling appointment (not with him I presume!), and a lawyer's appointment as well.
Please let us know how you made out.
I have mixed feelings about going as far as divorce. Getting the son out of there YES.
But it seems he did truly make a mistake and now it is too late. I am sure you were to the enough is enough point and probably is best that you get him (them) both out of your mind and out of your sight. You know exactly what you went through.
Best of luck and I am sure there are better things ahead.
I am in agreement with Jake. I think that you still need to be extremely careful around this man.
I'm sorry because I know that he's your husband and you still love him, but I feel that he's only making these changes with his son because he doesn't want to lose the many benefits that he has with you.
I suspect that he's a manipulator as there are a range of things in this story that do not make sense. Why for example, would he be using your money and living off you when he has had a hidden savings account of his own?
I have alarm bells ringing very strongly and urge you to be cautious. You have been strong so far, listen to your legal counsel and take everything your husband says with a large grain of salt.
Fortunately she has decided not to take any more chances and her returning to peace of mind is well deserved after what the two of them put her through.
Hello everyone,
I hope everybody is doing well. I just read my original post, which I wrote with uncontrollable tears and heartbroken feelings. I cannot thank all of you enough who were so supportive and kind to me.
Here is my update since my last post. Long in short, I have gone through separation, counseling, legal negotiation, and I will be in court very soon to finalize the divorce process.
Here is update. Since they moved out, they have lived in an apartment. I heard that the boy made a lot of trouble in his school. He was caught by drug dealing at school, disciplined, but he tried it again, and his school principal finally called cops. He was handcuffed and taken to jail, and finally school kicked him out. The school did not want to deal with him anymore, and now the boy is going to the special school for special kids who needs extra help. It is just a shock for me, and I cannot believe what happened. He is living in a middle class suburban area, and raised by well educated parents. I have no clue where he got the drugs and why he tried to sell them to his classmates not once but twice. Hi father's excuse is that the boy did it for only fun and tried to make fund to buy more game toys. But did he have to do it twice after the first strong warning? It is beyond my imagination. It seems they are totally different people from people like us.
Another hand, his father, soon to be my ex, never got a job or worked since forever, only watching TV all day long at home and eating up his savings.
I cleaned up my house, redecorated with new furniture, and made my home cozy and sweet again. My kids are very happy to see me alive & happy. I am hanging out with kids often, have fun, and become close again like best friends for each other. I am so proud my kids are all A grade good students, and working hard & sincere kids. We do not have the crazy & useless stress anymore since they left, and everything is normal and peaceful again.
Since I always work hard, I got promotion at work. Recently, I even started to date a decent gentleman who has a solid job (haha) again. I set the rule we would not be physical until divorce is finalized. He respects that and plans to take me a cruise trip to Europe just after my divorce is finalized. I still believe in love and romance, and am looking for my soul mate. Well, but I learned a hard lesson. I will not get married for a while, just enjoy my kids and my single life. I start to think I am still in a good shape in my life. My kids will be done with college in a year, it means I have only one more year to support them, and they will be by themselves without my support. Meantime, I am 49 years old, still young, healthy and sweet woman. I plan to have only good life from now on in future from my hard learned lessons.
Thank you everyone. I drop a line on and off. You guys helped me tremendously, and I cannot forget it. God bless you. You guys are true angels.
I am so pleased to hear that things are going well and that the greedy 'monsters' are out of your life. I hope that you will not carry the grief and sadness of this bad experiences for too long!Quote:
Originally Posted by myagony1234
Enjoy your life and take things with men slowly - enjoy each day as it comes. Each day is a gift. Don't waste it searching for a soul mate who may or may not exist.
You have learned a very hard lesson - I wish you only happiness and peace from now on.
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