Ask Me Help Desk - Wife had an affair can I stay with her or ever trust her

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Gemini54 agrees: I do agree, but I thought it was important to present an alternative view. I was concerned that the posters had gone into a blaming frenzy and could forget that 2 people create the dymanic.

I absolutely agree!
The fact that he thought something gives me pause.I totally get where you are coming from.There is obliviously something both people could have done differently.Hence,the couple dynamic!

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

I agree that such a betrayal is heartbreaking and shocking.

However, I would like to add (having been on the receiving end of such a betrayal myself) that there are two people in a relationship and that it is this dynamic that creates what happens in a partnership.

To behave as if ONE person is only and solely to blame for infidelity is naive and ignores the fact that two people create what happens in a relationship.

Yes, it was wrong for your wife to seek affirmation and solace outside of the marriage and to betray your trust in this way, but I would ask you to consider what YOU contributed to her responding in this way.

In my experience it is REALLY important to analyze your relationship dynamic and to listen to the reasons for the breach of trust and betrayal. You may not be able to do this at the start, because you're angry and rightly so, but you will have to listen eventually if you want to repair the marriage.

As I found out, both partners have to take responsibility for what they contributed to the dynamic that created the infidelity if the relationship is to recover. It's confronting, but it's worth it.

Please consider going to counseling yourself, your marriage won't survive if you place the entire responsibility for the infidelity solely at her feet.

Gemini54, I agree somewhat with you on there sometimes can be contributing factors for infidelity. My answer was , and still is, there really is no excuse... when you take vows to be faithful, you should indeed do just that. There should have been talking, in this relationship before the straying began. We usually only get one side, but cheating should have no validation. Unless he brought the man home and MADE her have sex with him. The best spouses in the world sometimes get cheated on. Sometimes, yes , partners have a share of responsibility, but bottom line is that the talking should have come first, when that didn't work, get a divorce.

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Originally Posted by jmjoseph

Gemini54, I agree somewhat with you on there sometimes can be contributing factors for infidelity. My answer was , and still is, there really is no excuse... when you take vows to be faithful, you should indeed do just that. There should have been talking, in this relationship before the straying began. We usually only get one side, but cheating should have no validation. Unless he brought the man home and MADE her have sex with him. The best spouses in the world sometimes get cheated on. Sometimes, yes , partners have a share of responsibilty, but bottom line is that the talking should have come first, when that didn't work, get a divorce.

I agree with you as well, but sadly we don't live in an ideal world. There are lots of things that we should do, and we don't do them. There are lots of cues we should pick up on and we don't. Things aren't black and white in relationships.

Hence my comment about the importance of going to counseling together and my desire to present an alternative perspective, which is what these forums are for.

First of all do you still love her like before and is she making an effort to make you regain trust in her?

If you still love her like before just forget about the past as you can't chnged it and start a new life with her and with your children.And tried to avoid telling her about her error or made her feel unease with you.Just live life like before with her.

Give a her a last chance that will not cost you anything.

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Originally Posted by Shad07

First of all do you still love her like before and is she making an effort to make you regain trust in her ??

If you still love her like before just forget about the past as you can't chnged it and start a new life with her and with your children.And tried to avoid telling her about her error or made her feel unease with you.Just live life like before with her.

Give a her a last chance that will not cost you anything.

Much easier said then done.