Ask Me Help Desk - Married and having an affair

Before you get yourself any further in this mess, and to perhaps redeem yourself in your husband's eyes (he will find out eventually), why not consider letting the boyfriend go.

Once you have concentrated on marriage counselling to try to get your marriage back on track, and made an honest effort, you have a much better chance as long as there is no third party in the marriage.

The counsellor will go with what you present. If you are not honest, and she and your husband do not realize the true reasons for being there, it just won't work. Just more coverup, lies and deceipt.

Let him go. Think of your children. Your behaviour is hardly that of an exemplary parent with her family as her first priority, which is where it should be in my humble opinion.

At least at some point you will be able to say that you ended the affair before counselling started.

Not too much of a stretch either that your boyfriend may not take kindly to you splitting with him, and nothing is stopping him from contacting your husband. A man who would have an affair with a married woman with children, is nothing but pond scum. I wouldn't trust him.

I hope you make some good choices for yourself.

Just wanted to update . I have spoken to my boyfriend and explained to him I would be less available since it is summer and kids are at home. He took it very well and said he would wait. I then told him it wasn't fair to him and we should at least take a break for the summer. Meanwhile I am hoping to get my marriage back on track. The thing is it is so difficult , sometimes I get this urge to text my boyfriend so badly it's hurts like hell I haven't given in yet but it saddens me so much. I felt so good with him. I guess I am just hoping I made the right decision here ! HAs anyone ever been in a situation like this?
Do you get over a guy you believed could be the love of your life? WAS the sacrifice worth it !

I have been in this exact position thinking and feeling everything you said, even down to the 18 years. Its hard. What I have learned I spent a lot of time comparing to two and my husband always won out in the end. I am with him and we are working on it. My other man wasn't so right for me and I knew it from the start. But has you said it's that feel good feeling you get when your with him. Again, what I also spent time thinking when the "newness" is over with the other man we will be in the same spot as my husband and I. So what's the sense of hurting my son for short term happiness. I think you feel less love for your husband because you were letting it build up inside and that causes tension within yourself and feelings you don't truly mean to feel but you never expressed to him. Its hard to get back but its not going to happen over night. For us its been better but he knew about my affair so there is that trust that's broken. I think giving it one more honest shot with your husband would be best. Your boyfriend will only be rebound otherwise. Affairs rarely work even though we always think it will be "the one"

Best wishes either way.

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Originally Posted by kiera22

just wanted to update . I have spoken to my boyfriend and explained to him I would be less available since it is summer and kids are at home. He took it very well and said he would wait. I then told him it wasn't fair to him and we should at least take a break for the summer. Meanwhile I am hoping to get my marriage back on track. The thing is it is so difficult , sometimes I get this urge to text my boyfriend so badly it's hurts like hell I haven't given in yet but it saddens me so much. I felt so good with him. I guess I am just hoping I made the right decision here ! HAs anyone ever been in a situation like this?
do you get over a guy you believed could be the love of your life? WAS the sacrifice worth it !

You are still with your husband and have not yet told your boyfriend it's over, Explain to us how exactly you have made your decision.

The grass in greener on the other side, because by staring at it all day you allow the grass at your feet to wither and die. It's going to be a lot harder to regain what you had with your husband as long as you still have your boyfriend in your life, even if it's only as a friend.

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Originally Posted by kiera22

just wanted to update . I have spoken to my boyfriend and explained to him I would be less available since it is summer and kids are at home. He took it very well and said he would wait. I then told him it wasn't fair to him and we should at least take a break for the summer. Meanwhile I am hoping to get my marriage back on track. The thing is it is so difficult , sometimes I get this urge to text my boyfriend so badly it's hurts like hell I haven't given in yet but it saddens me so much. I felt so good with him. I guess I am just hoping I made the right decision here ! HAs anyone ever been in a situation like this?
do you get over a guy you believed could be the love of your life? WAS the sacrifice worth it !

So you have talked to your boyfriend as you call him, and he's being quite good about you hiding your relationship with him, during the summe when your kids are home. He took it very well. How very kind of him. Awfully nice of you to consult him, communicate with him, and come up with a plan to 'take a break' for the summer.

In the meanwhile, while your boyfriend waits in the wings, and you get urges to text him and it hurts like hell, and makes you sad.

And then you think it might be a convenient time to work on your marriage, and get it back on track?

In your spare time do you like to watch car crashes?

That you are not jumping in the sack with your boyfriend on the sly, does not mean you are not in a relationship with him. You are merely on a break.

How do you propose to work on your marriage (2 people) while you have a boyfriend too? (3 people).

The boyfriend thinks you need a break because of the kids. You think you need a break because it gets harder to meet him in the summer and you can't afford to take any chances, and what the heck, why not take a stab at the marriage since I can't see my boyfriend anyway. I doubt you told your boyfriend the 'plan' to work on your marriage.

You can't have it both ways.

The only way you can redeem yourself is to stop cheating on your husband. Put your selfish needs aside and think of your children, your husband, your life. I don't see how it's optional.

To keep the boyfriend in the picture, could cost you far more than your social status. It could cost you your kids, your house, your husband, your family, his family, and any and all respect from all parties when the truth comes out. And it will if you keep this up.

Sooner or later, with or without your knowledge, somebody will see you with him. Or notice your car. Or your husband will wake up and see what you're doing. Or you may confide in a friend who's morals are higher than yours, and she will tell your husband. The possibilities for getting caught are endless.

None of this you can blame on your husband. Nobody makes anybody have an affair, it is a choice. If you are saying you have no more control than a wild animal, then I feel very sorry for you. Your need to keep up the boyfriend and maintain a lie to yourself and your husband and kids, seems to me you are looking for love in all the wrong places.

Please get yourself into counselling, and figure out why you have put yourself in this position. You need help to figure out why you are justifying two men at the same time, one of whom you are married to.

The only way to save your marriage is to take responsibility for what you have done, get into counselling to figure out why you did it, come clean to your husband, and hope that he doesn't throw you out the front door. Oh, and drop the boyfriend.

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Originally Posted by kiera22 https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_i...s/viewpost.gif
just wanted to update . I have spoken to my boyfriend and explained to him I would be less available since it is summer and kids are at home.

Translation, No sex until the kids start school again and you have time to get laid.

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He took it very well and said he would wait. I then told him it wasn't fair to him and we should at least take a break for the summer.

Yeah, go bang his wife or other girlfriends for a while.

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Meanwhile I am hoping to get my marriage back on track.

Or make a BS effort, until the kids get back in school and you can get laid again by your b/f.

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The thing is it is so difficult ,sometimes I get this urge to text my boyfriend so badly it's hurts like hell I haven't given in yet but it saddens me so much. I felt so good with him.

But you aren't dumb enough to give up your b/f and feeling so good for the family you lie and cheat on.

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I guess I am just hoping I made the right decision here !

What decision was that? To take care of your kids and put the lover on hold for the summer? You can't mean the decision to work on your marriage can you?? We all know that's the BS you would have us believe, so your only BS ing yourself, and your husband, and your kids.

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Has anyone ever been in a situation like this?

Only cheaters and liars find themselves in situations like yours.

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do you get over a guy you believed could be the love of your life? WAS the sacrifice worth it !

Which one are you talking about? The husband , and father of your kids, whom you cheat on and lie to? Or the boyfriend, that puts a stang in your thang, while the kids are in school, and hubby works to keep a roof over your head?

Which on are you talking about here? Or are you confusing real life and BS?

The "love" of our life is often what makes us feel good personally for the moment, and so often after we get into a daily life, that love seems a lot different.

The fun of a hideaway for a few hours passion and someone that will show us attention.

But remember a man who will cheat with a married women should not have any problem cheating on their wife latter since cheating is not a issue to them.

I think it was a start but a full break from the boyfriend should have been better

But you get counseling and start working on a relationship with your husband and family

How did I make the decision (for rich1111).
I couldn't go on with the way I was feeling; guilty all the time, wishing I was with my boyfriend all the time it was driving me crazy! So I told him we should take a break. If I don't text him or talk to him maybe I will forget him and make place for my husband in my heart.
I know a lot of you want me to end it completely but since I work with the guy I need to slowly get out.
Thanks 88sunflower, you made me feel less alone and gave me hope .
Thanks jake2008 for telling it like it is , the fear of getting caught is going to drive me mad ! Talaniman you made my life a soap opera but hey guess I gave you the script ! Only one thing when it comes to money I am not dependent on anyone I have my own, very successful career and yes I cheated and I lied but if this affair wouldn't have occurred I probably would've found refuge in something possibly worse... so if it's not too late I will try to get out of it.
FR_CHUCK you made it clear and precise I guess the appeal of what's new and forbidden plays a big part I am smart enough to know that.Also I did start counseling and I should be out of this mess soon ! And find peace again ! Thanks to all

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Talaniman you made my life a soap opera but hey guess I gave you the script ! Only one thing when it comes to money I am not dependent on anyone I have my own, very successful career and yes I cheated and I lied but if this affair wouldn't have occurred I probably would've found refuge in something possibly worse ... so if it's not too late I will try to get out of it.

Why can't you think of having good clean fun, and share it with wholesome happy people, who love and respect you, your family, and your husband? You would have nothing to hide then.

I really hope you succeed in making your life better, for you, and your family. Taking baby steps is good, as you get your legs under you. I wish you the best, and hope you change this soap opera, into a great adventure.

I think you will :)

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Originally Posted by kiera22

ok first thanks for taking the time to clear up things for me a bit.

I need to answer a concern you all have as to why I didn't speak up sooner. Actually I had tried to talk these things over with my husband during these 2 years but he would always dismiss it as me being a spoiled girl . He kept saying that I have so much and he doesn't understand why I am not happy. He would say I constantly nag and would sometimes just walk away. His explanation now is that he felt we were in a solid relationship and that nothing could shake it. So HE TOOK ME FOR GRANTED !! his behaviour was excused that way, but once he realized I had fallen out of love with him and that there was that possibilty of separation then and only then did he wake up and as he put it set his priorities straight.

Now i am no longer in love with him do you think it can come back if I drop my lover completely ?
I am just afraid to let go of an amazing thing to find myself in a loveless relationship for the rest of my life ! which could be long since I am only 40 something.and the regret will kill me ! I know i am so confused !!

I would say that your fear of losing is not true love you are in the initial stages of a relationship with your lover.
Sneaking around makes it even more exciting, just like a movie... it's not real, it is fantasy, you are so typically infatuated.
I would also like to remind you at 40 something you may be entering the perimenopause years, this plays havoc with the hormones. I would guess that you get sad about many things, not just your relationships.
It is also painful to hear that your husband was shocked into reality but he has had his own demons through the years to contend with, life is not a bed of roses and he needs you too. Maybe he was also depressed waiting for you to touch him and yoou ended up in one of those awful viceous circles, crying out on the inside for each others attention and doing nothing. This often leads to nagging and growling at each other. However, please think again. Where there is nagging and growling there are deep hidden feelings. You cannot feel hurt if you feel nothing for someone. Thinking that you have fallen out of love is one thing, your deeper soul searching feelings are telling you something else.
If you really had fallen out of love with your husband you would have felt NOTHING.

Another thing I would urge you to think about is the age difference. Your lover is probably arounf 55 if my calculations are correct. Ok in another 15 years he will be 70 and you will still be relatively young for a woman... would that bother you?
Do you really want to have a few stolen weak years of happiness and throw away what you have?
I can honestly say that I have had several periods through my 24 years of marriage where I didn't feel so close to my husband. He also started an affair and I was like your husband. I held on to what I wanted tooth and nail. He treated me just like you are treating your husband now. He had the upper hand , he was still infatuated with another. He only rethought when I got so angry one day and asked him to go. I told him that I loved him but if he preferred another woman I didn't ever want to see his rotten face again. I meant it. I was so sickened by his behaviour.
Your husband will also meet this wall one day and you risk his love turning to hate. Is that what you want?
Our marriage is now getting better each day, it is still very hard because he won't talk about his shortcomings.
The good thiing is that he chose to stay with me. The reason I stay now, is because I feel that he talks to me with his actions, he is in fact a much nicer person than he ever was. I see clearly now that our problems actually lie within him and not me. I believe deep down he knows that too.
I believe he prefers not to talk because he is ashamed.
I believe one day we will talk.
I believe in my marriage.
So I urge you to go into yourself and admit that what you are doing is wrong and talk to your husband, give him the chance to be honest with you.
If it does not survive this and the other old guy still loves you he will be there. But at least you know that a divorce will be both of your choices and not just yours.

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Originally Posted by kiera22

no my husband has no idea about the affair and I do not plan on telling him especially since I am leaning towrds ending it BUT I need the strenght to do it !

maybe I am on a power trip I know it feels good having all this attention from both sides . But like you said the price to pay will be huge for my kids and my reputation In my social circle I am considered as a "good girl " a caring mom etc .... people will be shocked if this came out !!
no I haven't tried hard enough with my husband and you are right I just cannot find the motivation to... right now.

And yes I have no idea how this guy can be like if the real world comes into our relationship but it feels so darn good when I am with him it's like I am 15 again !!! maybe i need counseling ?

So nice to read that you are thnking, you know what is right and wrong but you are still leaning a bit too much on what is good for you.
You are afraid of what others might think of you.
What about your husbands feelings?
I hate to say it sweetie but your husband might be a wee tad right in saying that you are a spoiled girl. Maybe also a little bit selfish. Look at the big picture not just your own needs.

Oh this thread is awesome...

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Translation, No sex until the kids start school again and you have time to get laid.

Yeah, go bang his wife or other girlfriends for a while.

Or make a BS effort, until the kids get back in school and you can get laid again by your b/f.

But you aren't dumb enough to give up your b/f and feeling so good for the family you lie and cheat on.

What decision was that?? To take care of your kids and put the lover on hold for the summer?? You can't mean the decision to work on your marriage can you??? We all know thats the BS you would have us believe, so your only BS ing yourself, and your husband, and your kids.

Only cheaters and liars find themselves in situations like yours.

Which one are you talking about?? The husband , and father of your kids, whom you cheat on and lie to?? Or the boyfriend, that puts a stang in your thang, while the kids are in school, and hubby works to keep a roof over your head??

Which on are you talking about here?? Or are you confusing real life and BS??

First of all I have to give it to you, You are a very selfish woman.
I feel sorry for your husband but I also feel sorry for the guy you brought into this mess.
CHEATING HAS NO EXCUSEE PERIODDD
You will eventually destroy your husband's or other guy's life and that is very selfish of you.
But whatever you do to that poor guy, keep him as your friend because he was your friend from before