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Sorry, what I meant was, I've put 2 questions on this site.. this question about the married man situation and also a separate question in a different area regarding addiction.Quote:
Originally Posted by susangpyp
Yes I asked the question here - am I horrible? You have all answered yes, I accept that answer.
I think you're questioning yourself which is good. As I suggested in the other thread, go to an SLAA meeting or go to their website.Quote:
Originally Posted by Meow420
I think you're searching for answers and many times people automatically get defensive when they first start asking questions and get answers they don't like.
I think you're trying to break through your denial and that's a good thing. I suggest you read the literature on sexual addiction.
Keep looking for the answers. They are out there. People can and do recover from sexual addiction.
People get defensive? And can you blame me? All you people are seeing of me is a tiny few sentences, trying to condense my whole life story in and ask a question, only to be hated. I know everyone is soming from different places and different angles. Mayb I was looking for someone else out there that had experiences in this or something., still not to condone or justify my actions, but at least to know I wasn't alone in my way of thinking. As I have discovered, I am alone and that's OK...Quote:
Originally Posted by susangpyp
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meow420
Don't be deceived. The posters are not being narrow minded. This is about them reminding you that you are living a life where you are not being honest with yourselves - either of you.
What strange world of fanatsy do you live in?
He loves his wife and he's cheating with you?
He's trying for a baby but he's cheating with you?
He's got a sex addiction and he's trying for a child?
You're happy because he's moved up in the world to screwing you and it saves his wife the cost of him going to prostitutes?
Please do not be offended, but what you describe is not love. Love is about honesty, loyalty, kindness, connection and respect (to name a few). And, of course it was your choice - whose choice was it if it was not yours?Quote:
I never NEVER went out looking for a married man... he came looking for me. I didn't choose to fall in love.
At the very least, take some responsibility.
No one hates you. People here don't like what you are doing because it offends their sense of right and wrong. For most people (not just here but anywhere) having an affair is WRONG and thank God for that. Marriage is hard enough without infidelity. So that "moral stance" is a good one for most people.Quote:
Originally Posted by Meow420
What you are doing goes against the grain of most people. You asked about a VERY unpopular thing so you should have expected some pushback. If you did not then you don't have a lot of insight.
I think you are a sex addict looking for answers. Go to the SLAA website (I posted the link in the other thread) and find people who can help you.
But if you just want an opinion poll, be prepared for all answers. And if you ask a question about an unpopular life choice, expect to hear from people who feel strongly about it.
It's a GOOD thing that most people find infidelity to be wrong. A good moral compass is important in life and infidelity is just not a good thing where you are the cheater or the person helping the cheater cheat and it's never ever going to be a popular choice. And thank goodness for that.
If we all scratched every itch we had, this would be a sad sad world.
I am taking resposibility. If I had no "good" side why would I be questioning my actions...
I come from a place where married men cheat on their wives everyday. Having sex with some one who is not their wife, DOES not take away the love they have for her .(this is not my defense, this is just a statement) sex is sex and love is love.. two different entities... but that is just my opinion.
I have looked at that website thank u
I don't expect you to understand this but love is an action. It's what you do and not what you say and if you're boinking someone not your wife that is not a loving action. There is no separation of love and sex in healthy relationships. If you want to be healthy, that whole mindset and all the rationales that go with it has to be changed.Quote:
Originally Posted by Meow420
Putting morality aside for a moment,isn't there any part of you that wants something more? That deserves something more from a relationship?
If he were single and wanted to be in an exclusive relationship,can you honestly say you would not want that?
You can have independence and solitude and still be in a committed relationship.
You never feel that you are cheating yourself?
Ive been beaten and battered by men in the past. I don't think I've ever had a healthy relationship to be honest. But with him, (regardless of what you all have said) I do get treated well, with respect, with honesty. My answer would be no... I don't think I am cheatin myself.Quote:
Originally Posted by artlady
If he were single, it would never work. (he and I have discussed this) As a single man he would want more of me than I am ready to give.
Sex without love in a relationship is like food without the taste, a flower without the scent, the sun without warmth. It is incomplete.Quote:
Originally Posted by Meow420
Love and sex are not separate entities in a relationship.
Imagine, if you can, a relationship where you can have both. Imagine a relationship where you don't have to worry about your partner cheating, where you can achieve intimacy because of the trust and connection that you've created because you love each other and you choose to remain faithful to each other. Imagine the strength that this gives you both individually and as a couple.
You may well come from a place where married men regularly cheat on their wives and this is accepted behavior - but is this the life and the relationship that you truly want for yourself?
I just want a happy life... that is what I want for myselfQuote:
Originally Posted by Gemini54
And my dear you still don't.Quote:
Ive been beaten and battered by men in the past. I don't think I've ever had a healthy relationship to be honest.
It sounds like you are settling because a part of you is not an independent woman who doesn't need anyone.
Do you think you choose unavailable men as a defense mechanism?
Kind of an "I can't get too close so I can't get too hurt" mind set.
I think you are afraid and that is why you have opted for this safe relationship.
This is the first married man I have ever had any kind of relationship with. I didn't seek him out because it would "suit" me.Quote:
Originally Posted by artlady
I am a very independent person. In every aspect I guess except this... Maybe I am afraid. Im afraid that I won't be able to be as honest with other men, or as honest as I can be with him. I can tell him anything. I can tell him if I've been woth someone else and there is no jealousy. No anger.
Im not the marryin type and I'm certainly not a breeder. I don't know.
He says things to me like "you can't cage a tiger" and for some reason it reigns true in my life. I don't want to be constricted to a normal relationship. But in saying that, even though I know it could happen, I don't want to upset his wife. That was never my intention. Man this is hard..
Sorry to sound corny, but I see happiness as a journey, not a destination...Quote:
Originally Posted by Meow420
Happiness is learned and developed through the way we live now, in this present moment, how we make our life choices, how we think about and treat other people.
Strangely enough, happiness is frequently learned in tough moments, or in the face of suffering. If it is not lived out through our behavior, happiness is nothing more than a nice idea.
I truly hope that you give the responses on this post some thought - I accept that none of us live a perfect life and all of us are flawed (it is the human condition) - but we can and should try to live our lives with integrity.
In the final analysis being true to ourselves and having a 'spiritual backbone' are the elements that create the foundations for love and real happiness.
I'm quite sure there are other men who are capable of giving you everything he does and more ,while still respecting your need for space and solitude.Quote:
Originally Posted by Meow420
He is going to tell you anything you want to hear.He has a perfect mistress.You aren't going to call the wife and your not complicating his life.
It almost sounds like you are allowing your sex addiction to rule your life.
Have you ever sought out therapy to get to the reasons for your addiction?
There is so much more than sex.Sex without love is like cake without frosting,its good but its not mind blowing.
I think you are selling yourself short.
My answers to your 2 questions:
1. "Am I horrible"
In all honesty after reading your responses you don't seem to be a horrible person , but what your doing is. It suits you and it suits him , but don't you think it would devastate his wife if she ever found out? And just because he would do it with someone else anyway doesn't vilify you.
2. "Is it wrong"
Yes it is , you are cheating with a married man FULL STOP.
You obviously have some underlying issue's and I would suggest seeking some counseling to sort those out rather than go through the rest of your life living with the insurety of what it will throw at you next.
Good Luck!
Had to spread the love but I think what you said is far from corny,in fact very touching ,honest and important!Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemini54
[QUOTE=friend4u178;1754975]My answers to your 2 questions:
1. "Am I horrible"
In all honesty after reading your responses you don't seem to be a horrible person , but what your doing is. It suits you and it suits him , but don't you think it would devastate his wife if she ever found out? And just because he would do it with someone else anyway doesn't vilify you.
2. "Is it wrong"
Yes it is , you are cheating with a married man FULL STOP.
You obviously have some issue's and I would suggest seeking some counseling to sort those out rather than go through the rest of your life living with the insurety of what it will throw at you next.
Good Luck![/QUOTE
Thanks for your comment. Even though you said pretty much the same as a lot of other people, you did it in a nicer way. Cheers. Im looking into a counselling service in my area as we speak. Thanks
Couselling is a good idea.
Obviously you do feel guilt, otherwise you wouldn't be here, so, even though my gut says to tear you a new one, I won't.
I'm a wife, have been married for 14 years come Wednesday, have two beautiful children, my husband has never cheated on me, because he loves me.
If he did, I'd not only kick his sorry arse out the door but I'd want to meet the woman that destroyed my marriage, everything I worked so hard to get and I wouldn't be very nice or understanding when I met the tramp, yes, tramp.
You say that this is just about sex, well dear, there are other men that can give you that, men without any other commitments.
Leave him. Will he still cheat on his wife, probably, he's a sex addict and doesn't have any morals, that won't change over night. But, you can choose not to be a part of this, not to destroy this marriage.
Get help, leave him, find some respect for yourself and others. Move on.
Good luck.
I just made an appointment to speak to a professional. Maybe this was the kick in the pants I needed.
And I'm not a tramp. Well at least, I don't think I am
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