Totally agree Artlady but lets not forget she was smoking too. I guess the weed made her forget that she was married.

It is odd that she remember most of the details but she still have some holes in her story.

However I find it odd that she tells everyone at the bar she is going to take a shower. I wouldn't have annonced that everyone. I would have if anything said my good-byes and left. If I returned I did but if I didn't I didn't.

The only thing that she says she is willing to do is a polygraph test, she says I can ask any questions that I want. I feel so conflicted about this, part of me wants her to do it. Then there is a part that is totally against the idea because I am scared of what I might find out, it feels like a double edge sword, she does not want to do counseling for what reason I really can't find out. But she keeps bringing up the polygraph test. Sorry to keep going on about this I have not told anybody in my family mainly because I think some of them will blame me for leaving her alone. It sounds stupid I know. She swears up and down that it was not planned and that part right there is the part that I keep coming back to in my mind that is really bothering me, I just don't know how it could have happened so fast. That is the only reason I am even toying with this idea of a polygraph because her story is just so hard to believe and I want to believe her but I just have this little voice in the back of my head telling me they both played me and I know I should be listening to it but all I do is tell him to shut up. Please just a little more help and then I will stop posting.

Thank you

Don't stop posting, this place is amazing for comfort and advice. I say don't do the lie detector test, just an all around bad idea. I still stand behind the counselor idea or you walk. She was wrong her, nothing on your end at all, so she has to make it up to you and if she cares and values the relationship, then counseling shouldn't be an issue

A polygraph test isn't going bring much comfort because you know she cheated but counseling will.

Even if she doesn't agree to counseling do it for yourself because it can help you.

She doesn't care about your feelings only hers because she is a selfish woman that cheats and is turning around on you.

Do you have some where to stay even if it for a few days?

Don't worry about venting or ranting on because we are here to listen.

Thank you all very much I guess your right whether it was planned or not the outcome was still the same, I am going to go to counseling for myself I have always been a pretty confident young man and I keep going back in my head (maybe I have felt to confident with myself, maybe I have been neglecting her in a way that I just did not see) It is so weird I just can't believe that I am asking myself these questions, on another note. Sorry I keep adding to this its just so much has been said I keep remembering things. She has told me that she did not mean it to be a slam against me or that she did not do it because she was upset with me, basically she has told me that it was not due to anything that I have or have not done.
I still can't help asking myself it was.

There has got to be more to this story, as an incident clear out the blue?? No warning, or missed signals?

Help me understand about this relationship. Have you ever cheated on her?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by tigerhawk

I want to believe her

---

I don't. I want the truth and the truth is she's hurting you on purpose. I join Rome in really starting to get pretty PO'd over her continued emtional torture and games.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by tigerhawk

but I just have this little voice in the back of my head telling me they both played me and I know I should be listening to it but all I do is tell him to shut up.

---

That little voice is not so little, it's screaming at you. It is come from deep in you sub-consious and it's trying to guide you because your brain always looks out for number 1 even when the emotions cloud your judgment.

I'm a guy. I can't even begin to think of a situation where I'm sitting at a bar and the husband leaves. Then the wife annouces she's going to take a shower so I'll watch from below and then in 20 minutes when the shower is done I'll just go to her room and ask her if she wants to have sex. I know your emotional so you don't see this... or want to see this but that story is so full of holes that it's just to stupid to believe. Follow that up with her behavior after the fact and the story has nothing to stand on.

I really think she wants a divorce and is trying to find a way to put the blame of the marriage on you. Something more is going on then an affair, and you need to take some action to protect yourself now, because she sure doesn't have your best interest in mind.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by tigerhawk

Please just a little more help and then I will stop posting.

Thank you

---

Whatever you please don't stop posting. I guarantee you, everyone here has your back and wants the best for you, right now we are the ones you should be listening to. Even if you don't follow what we say (and you should) you are least finally getting perspective that you need from people looking out for you and not out to get you like the one your living with.

If you have read the start of this post you will read that she is the first and only women I have been with. I have not cheated on her however in the time that we have been married she has made little slams is what I will call them about me not being able to pull the trigger with my girlfriend in high school or with another one that I told her about. Long story short I was close but it did not feel right and I backed out on the two other occasions that I had. It never really felt right until I was with her. She has said to me in the past that she would be willing to have a threesome with me so that I could experience being with another women, I can't lie and say that idea did not interest me a little but she always said that I was her husband and she was not afraid of me being with another women and leaving her, also I can't believe I left this out. I had planned on going to this strip club with the two other guys that I meet at the resort the night before we actually did. She did say something along the lines of if something happens with a girl there I am okay with it, please don't quote me and this was the day before I went) she did not say this to me as I was leaving! But it was something along those lines. She has even said that to me when we are at home before this trip happened. By the way I did not go back in the vip room so nothing happened. I don't know if she thought I would do something and then she thought that she had the green light since she said that to me. When I have asked her why she would or could be okay with that she always says it is because she knows that I am her husband and that it is just sex and she knows how much I love her. WOW when I read this it sounds pretty messed up! I guess I am having a hard time with coming to terms with the fact the even after being with her for over nine years and married eight I really don't know her.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by tigerhawk

WOW when I read this it sounds pretty messed up! I guess I am having a hard time with coming to terms with the fact the even after being with her for over nine years and married eight I really don't know her.

---

I think this is a case of you made her to be something she wasn't rather then you not knowing who she is.

I just can't get over the fact of how fast it happened and can it or will it happen again, it is like I want her to take the polygraph just to know if she played me or if she has been playing me in the past she keeps saying she will take one. It is almost like she does not think that I will call her bluff. The thing that po's me the most is that before I left to go to the club I did not think I was going to see this so called friend that I met while at the resort, so I went to my room and gave him a university tee-shirt that he had mentioned he really liked, giving it to him thinking this is something to remember me by little did I know he was going to nail my wife and that would be a memory enough. I get so angry thinking about him telling his friends that not only did I nail this guys wife I met he gave me a tee-shirt too. She just can't understand that when a man gets cheated on it is totally different then when a women does from the stand point of what emotions go through my head. When I first met this guy did he size me up and think I was week and would not do anything if he made a move on my wife, does my wife think that I am week because I do want to try to work this out. Sorry just having a shift in my emotions right now, becoming very po'ed.

Now I see why your wife doesn't feel like you shouldn't make a big deal out of her having an affair because she thinks it is just sex. Who thinks like this?

Your wife some how had this planned to do this before the two of you left. She took the chance once you left and didn't care if you would've caught her.

Your wife wants to sleep with other men and that's why she is telling you she doesn't mind if you sleep with other females.

I can't believe she is saying the things she said to you. I think you need to go to someone else house for at least a few days.

Thank you liz I will consider doing that, it is so hard because I don't know what I am going to do yet. I don't want to alarm the kids just yet or at all if I don't have too. I am a pretty good dad I feel.

You married at a very young age and you are younger and much less experienced that she is.That creates some challenges.

Have you always been the person in the relationship that gives in? The one who's needs are often overlooked?
Are you in an equal partnership or does she dominate?

I get the distinct feeling she holds her age and experience over your head to be the dominant person in the relationship.That brings up many issues that need to be answered during counseling.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by liz28

Your wife some how had this planned to do this before the two of you left. She took the chance once you left and didn't care if you would've caught her.

---

The more I read this and more I see her actions after the fact... I think she wanted to get caught. I really believe she is out to hurt him for some reason and this would have been about as painful as it gets to walk in on the act. Seriously I really hate this woman, it's not just a man devoted to her it's the kids who are going to suffer and she does't give a sh!t.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by tigerhawk

I am a pretty good dad I feel.

---

I'm sorry for the pain your children will go through, I trully am. But do NOT ever feel bad for them because of it. Your wife caused this. Their pain, should you go through with a separation or divorce is solely on her shoulders. This is probably one of the reasons she wants to put the blame on you for this when you pull the trigger to get a divorce. It's really something, how just evil this woman is. Just pure evil.

I agree you need to separate yourself from her to clear your mind and seek counseling. Go yourself.

No reason you need to leave your home and your kids. She should leave.

Tell her to stay with a friend.

Is that workable?

You and the kids should not have to be disrupted even more by moving. She should leave. Seems to be what she wants.

I believe she most definitely had this planned. For sure. I think she wanted you to walk in on the act.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Don't take this behavior or any of her excuses.

I don't know if she wants a divorce, wants to hurt you or what. Sounds to me like she wants an open marriage, where you both sleep around.

Telling you that she doesn't mind if you hook up with another woman is NOT a green light for her to sleep around with strange men. What about STDs, a pregnancy? What about marriage vows? This is ludicrous.

This situation just gets stranger and stranger.

... I won't go to counselling, but I'll take a polygraph test?.

... phhht... phhht... that's the sound of me being rendered virtually speechless (an extremely unusual occurrence, I can assure you!).

I think that you need to stop talking and asking her for explanations. Be very clear with her that you're not prepared to be her husband any more until she can act like a wife. Withdraw your presence from the house if you can, and let your family and hers know why you've left. Let her begin to deal with the repercussions from her actions.

Go to counselling, for yourself, and get some insight so that you can be clear about what you want from the marriage and whether she measures up.

Above all, don't let it affect your sense of self or your confidence.

Get away from her, to see how you WANT to deal with this. So many feelings, so many questions. Don't bring anyone, but the most trusted into this twisted circle.

I'm stunned, so I imagine your way out in let field now. While I understand your feelings for your kids, look after yourself.

Thank you all very much, It is really hard for me to find someone to talk to because I was raised a Jehovah's Witness, and I do not associate myself with them anymore and if you know anything about them once you tell them you want no part of them they will have no part with you. So my relationship with my mother & father is already behind the behind and please believe me when I say this in some way shape or form they would find a way to spin some blame on to me for this because I am choosing not to be a Jehovah's witness anymore and that if I had not left this probably would not have happened. I know it is jacked up but so are some religions and there members. Anyway I will be in the windy city this weekend with a very close friend and I have planned on talking with him about what happened and get some personal insight on which direction I need to go in. I am strong believer in weighing all the options and then making a decision and moving forward I am still weighing my options at this point. I know this might sound silly but please just do post that you hate my wife if you do that is fine please just don't post it. I am still her husband and even though she did what she did, I can't really explain how or why I feel this way. I still feel like I need to defend her. I guess it was just the way I was raised I have lost a lot of friends since I left the JW'S my own brother has not talked with me for over six months and the only reason he did was because my father was in the hospital. Thank you all for your help and support I have felt much better being able to let this out. I am starting counseling next week and I will not see my wife until Monday I know I will be telling her that I am going to consoling and if she is even remotely serious about salvaging let alone saving at this point she will go to a couples counseling with me. Thank you all & Godspeed!

When we say we hate your wife we mean we hate what she's doing to you.

I understand what your saying about your family not talking to you, but ultimately this is not there problem so it really doesn't matter what they think. The blame lies with one person and it has nothing to do with religion.

Also, when your in Chicago you and your friend must go to D!ck's Last Resort. It's the greatest restaurant/bar concept ever. The people who work there treat you like crap. There tag line is "The shame of Chicago." No lie, if you can take a joke this place is awsome, and it might take your mind off things for awhile.