Ask Me Help Desk - How I can have my life back ?

Quote:

My only question is, " Is there a marriage where you can enjoy life together, and not just work as co-workers?" Going through life with some one is a big journey and I think it is very important to "share" and "enjoy" life together as a loving couple. Now I know this is the reason I'm sad, because the man I love wants me to live his journey, not ours.

That is such a difficult question to ask for someone in your situation.

My answer would be, of course there are marriages where this is possible, certainly this is the way I live my marriage. But all marriages involve compromise, and what you need to decide is how much you are willing to compromise yourself in your marriage.

Can you continue to live the way you do, hoping for change sometime in the future, or is it unbearable in the present?

(Just as an aside, how is it that your English has improved so much since your first post?)

Gemini54, You are very smart and sharp (I like that). My language skills did not improve that well in such a short amount of time. I am embarrassed of my writing skills in English. However, I read and understand English perfectly. Reading is one of my strongest skills.

I was over thirty years of age when I moved to the U.S. and you already know I haven't been able to socialize or go back to school.

I'm trying to educate myself at home from the books I bought. I am using a computer program that helps me with my English grammar. When ever I type something down it tells me everything I did wrong and it fixes it for me.

I was kind of wondering when and who will mention my grammar improved in such short time. :) I wanted to show respect to those who take their time to read and reply to my problems.

K

I tried talking to him , but I don't think he care . All he said , I make him feel bad .
He doesn't care how I feel , but he's feelings should be respected (all he is talking about he's feelings , for him self).
I'm going to the doctor , seeking for some help . I got to the point I can't do this all alone any more.
I have to be a life for my children , in good health ( mentally, and physically as well).
I can not write down here every thing , so I can't except you can truly understand me.
I know I'm not perfect (way far from at ) , and having a fight need two people , so I try very hard not getting in he's way . Keep myself very busy , and do thinks what I like to do :)
Just like what he said " I'm a good man , I try my best, He is probably right, I need to come down, and obey him , and work harder to please him , and listening him and never tell what I'm truly think .
We lived this way for many years , and he was very happy whit me. Now , because I have had spoke for myself my life is living hell . You don't have to tell me , what's wrong whit that , I know very well.
He is a very good dad and love he's children so much , I never had a dad so I know how (is) feel like at .
Doesn't matter how I feel , my kids will grow up with a dad . I know this is what I want , I don't think my life is matter any more... any way . I know is wrong , but is OK .

I really know how confused you may be, but your kids are in good hands, (yours) and even though its tough now, they will grow up, and you will be proud of them. That's when you will have the time, and maturity, to go for what you want.

When my own kids grew to an age they were independent, and trustworthy, (thank you wife!) is when my wife started to claim her Independence, and free time to do her thing a lot more, and I think that's where your headed.

What kept her on the path though I think was her willingness to do whatever it took to build a happy home for us all. I may not of appreciated it then, much like your husband, but now, I see how hard she worked, and how difficult it was. Man, I look back and see all the BS my family had to go through, and am grateful for having a woman who overcame the obstacles despite my immaturity.

That's why I think you'll stick to it, and accomplish your main goal, raising your kids with love, and care, and get through this, and be able to enjoy the fruit of your labors, and grow happy and content with yourself, for overcoming your own obstacles.

I think you will be okay, and after the military is over, which makes life really tough, I do believe it will get better.

Cyber hug for appreciation, and support <hug>

Dear Talaniman,

Thank you for your kindness and sensitivity, I truly appreciate your honesty. My children age from 2-18 years. I had my oldest just after I have finished college. By math you must know by now , I'm not a "young chick.

Yes I love my children very much, yet my biggest frustration is not giving them the life I think they need because of the constant moves . My oldest one is finishing high school , honor student , good kid. All my children are so special in a different way. I call them my beautiful rainbow. One of them calls me Master Yoda. It makes me feel very honored. The other one, gives me a hundred kisses on the daily bases and tells me how beautiful I am. And my youngest looks up to me so much, so I have to be a good role model .

I'm very lucky and blessed. Thank you for pointing that out . Always walking on the golden path is not an easy things to do , but giving up is not an option.

My best regard and cyber hug for your support like a good friend, thank you.

Thanks for every one, who wrote me .
I don't feel I'm alone as much any more .

In my opinion your letting your husband do what he wants to do and think it is all right to step all over you. He is taking advantage of that. Try to be more independent and he will see that and at first probably will not like it, but for once ( I assume) this is not about him. This must me so terribly difficult for you, I came here from europe only 8 years ago and I understand how lonely it can get.
How old are you kids? I am wondering because by putting your kids through different activities you can also interact with the other parents.

You can also Go for a nice walk by yourself to clear your head and get some fresh air if you get the chance.

As some other people mentioned, get a hobby or join a club that interests you and that way you always have something to look forward to. You never know how it will be if you don't try to make everything better. If things do not work out at least you can say that you have tried.

One class that everyone that immigrates to a different country makes nice friends and meets friendly people is at an ESL class. People become quite close with each other especially if it is a group from your own culture.

Good luck and hope soon you will get proper respect!!

You need to tell your husband that it is true you do not want expensive presents and all but when you say you want surprised it means you want to share some special time together.

If he isn't going to take you out then you need to find a way to get the kids baby sat and get out on your own occasionally.

If he can't be reasoned with to see you need him IN your life like a husband I don't see your relationship getting any better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Krisztinadf23

I tried talking to him , but I don't think he care . All he said , I make him feel bad .
He doesn't care how I feel , but he's feelings should be respected (all he is talking about he's feelings , for him self).
I'm going to the doctor , seeking for some help . I got to the point I can't do this all alone any more.
I have to be a life for my children , in good health ( mentally, and physically as well).
I can not write down here every thing , so I can't except you can truly understand me.
I know I'm not perfect (way far from at ) , and having a fight need two people , so I try very hard not getting in he's way . Keep my self very busy , and do thinks what I like to do :)
Just like what he said " I'm a good man , I try my best ,, He is probably right, I need to come down, and obey him , and work harder to please him , and listening him and never tell what I'm truly think .
We lived this way for many years , and he was very happy whit me. Now , because I have had spoke for my self my life is living hell . You don't have to tell me , whats wrong whit that , I know very well.
He is a very good dad and love he's children so much , I never had a dad so I know how (is) feel like at .
Doesn't matter how I feel , my kids will grow up with a dad . I know this is what I want , I don't think my life is matter any more....... any way . I know is wrong , but is ok .

Krisztinad,

I just re-read the whole thread and also am impressed by your improving English. Keep it up.

Consider a few things:

If he has been physically abusive to you, some of my advice below is invalid. Please tell us if that is the case and we will explore other paths.

He is a self-centered narcissist who believes that, as his wife, you should be his servant for life. You can't change this self-serving belief by fighting and you can't fight your way out of this role in his mind. But you can change yourself in the ways you want, before he even notices, and present him with a new reality to which he has to adapt. He will hate that, but he will recognize it when it is too late to stop you. If you take a new position in your relationship and are absolute in it without room for compromise, I think he will accept it. There are other areas in which you might compromise, but not your self-development.

Your life is not invisible to your children. They see you as a role model, including how you deal with their father/step father. The girls will model you as a wife and they will all model your marriage. Maybe later, they will reject those models, but these will be their first unconscious choices when they first have a committed relationship. If you free yourself, they will model that.

Therapy works. You should be in a counseling process by yourself to sort through the normal issues that self-development requires. The whole family should be in therapy so the kids have a voice. He must be in therapy so he can grow up, learn about himself, and learn to listen. Seduce him into it. Never fight for it.

As I said above. Just moving ahead and not waiting for his agreement or permission is better than trying to get him to agree. There are consequences to both paths.

Your thoughts?

Tao

Hello everyone !
I think after one year silence my story will end now. Last summer I told him everything. After that my husband rejected me for six months never talk to me for that period. It was the same old story of humiliations, and making me feel worthless and the rest... I have learned something, I have to stop thinking about that maybe one day thinks will change. I will never obey him again, and this marriage will never work. Is make me very sad because I wanted so much, but I have to understand when I have to let it go. I will never live him, but I will never stop him from living. All I know I have to survive, I'm not afraid be alone, and I'm a hard worker, it will be okay. Thank you again:)

What a great spirit to have, and that's what will keep you going. Yes, you are a survivor.