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Originally Posted by artlady

There is a big leap between total acceptance and *not that difficult*.
I'm not trying to be disrespectful here I just question how you can rid yourself of your ego.
Your ego is your sense of self.By some sort of acknowledgment of control of self you claim that you can't be hurt by cheating.
Saying that would be akin to saying nothing can affect you and nobody can do anything to get into your head.You are impervious to pain inflicted by another person.
Just debating here,not making a judgment one way or another.You are not the op after all and its none of my concern,I just think it sounds like self hypnotic psycho babble.

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Its actually quit the opposite because I am not letting my ego dictate my feelings and emotions I am in control of them and that's where we need to look closer at cause and effect. Your ego does not make up your being/entity as a human being it is the soul within that best describes your true self, our ego's are merely an illusion and infidelity does not hurt the soul with in it hurts and offends our ego.

Taking control of this trait is what alllows us to deal with our partners infidelity.

For example:

You win the lotto you are overjoyed and happy it's the best thing that has ever happened to you. The effect of winning the lotto and the money involved is what has given you this joy and happiness. Where as if you where the cause of your happiness you would feel happy and fufliled win or loose.

Point I'm trying to make is don't base your happiness in this life solely on the effects, become the cause of your happiness and inner well being.

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Originally Posted by artlady

Bottom line ,I really don't care :)
Different strokes and all that!

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You got it

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Originally Posted by lighterrr

its actually quit the opposite because i am not letting my ego dictate my feelings and emotions i am in control of them and thats where we need to look closer at cause and effect. Your ego does not make up your being/entity as a human being it is the soul within that best describes your true self, our ego's are mearly an illusion and infidelity does not hurt the soul with in it hurts and offends our ego.

Taking control of this trait is what alllows us to deal with our partners infidelity.

For example:

you win the lotto you are overjoyed and happy its the best thing that has ever happened to you. The effect of winning the lotto and the money involved is what has given you this joy and happiness. Where as if you where the cause of your happiness you would feel happy and fufliled win or loose.

Point im trying to make is dont base your happiness in this life solely on the effects, become the cause of your happiness and inner well being.

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So his cheating does not effect your inner soul in any way? The fact that he chooses to be with others, in body and mind, does not effect you? Or have you simply learned to be able to put up a wall that won't allow those feelings to come through? As though your mind will only allow you to think about it to a certain point and then the feeling stops; an automatic shutoff, being removed from the experience?

This happens quite often when someone is faced with a stressful situation... when the feelings of not having any control over the situation are replaced by feelings of indifference, or no real feelings at all. A separation of sorts... it is a selfpreservation response.

As for the lotto analogy... certainly I would be happy to win, but that does not mean I would not be happy otherwise. I do not expect to win the lottery however, although it would be nice... :) I do have the expectation that my husband would be faithful to me in every sense of the word. So it is not a matter of ego, his cheating would not cause me to feel less about myself or , it is a matter of the expectation that married partners are faithful to one another.

It may be that you don't have that expectation of him... would he have it of you? Would you have it of yourself? It may be that what he chooses to do in the company of other women is not a concern of your's... and that is fine. Did his infidelity ever bother you? Was it ever discussed at to why he makes those choices? Have you, in turn, been unfaithful to him?

Some people have that sort of relationship, but the majority do have an expectation of fidelity from their partner. To most, it is part of the commitment of marriage or a long standing relationship.

I don't think it is think about you vowels love honor and cherish, if you foolow these you should have no problems having a great marriage, but also keep in mind that all marriages take work

Doula

I thought about what you wrote and yes it does make sense, to an extent we do have an open relationship, I have had encounters with other men, I have not openly told him about it because I know he has a jealous tendency. Yeah I know what you are saying a complete double standard and yes it is. But the relationship works for the both of us and sometimes I need my space so I don't mind him having his affairs. But bottom line is that the relationship works and we have been together over 6 years now.

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Originally Posted by DoulaLC

So his cheating does not effect your inner soul in any way? The fact that he chooses to be with others, in body and mind, does not effect you? Or have you simply learned to be able to put up a wall that won't allow those feelings to come through? As though your mind will only allow you to think about it to a certain point and then the feeling stops; an automatic shutoff, being removed from the experience?

This happens quite often when someone is faced with a stressful situation....when the feelings of not having any control over the situation are replaced by feelings of indifference, or no real feelings at all. A seperation of sorts....it is a selfpreservation response.

As for the lotto analogy....certainly I would be happy to win, but that does not mean I would not be happy otherwise. I do not expect to win the lottery however, although it would be nice....:) I do have the expectation that my husband would be faithful to me in every sense of the word. So it is not a matter of ego, his cheating would not cause me to feel less about myself or , it is a matter of the expectation that married partners are faithful to one another.

It may be that you don't have that expectation of him....would he have it of you? Would you have it of yourself? It may be that what he chooses to do in the company of other women is not a concern of your's....and that is fine. Did his infidelity ever bother you? Was it ever discussed at to why he makes those choices? Have you, in turn, been unfaithful to him?

Some people have that sort of relationship, but the majority do have an expectation of fidelity from their partner. To most, it is part of the commitment of marriage or a long standing relationship.

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Originally Posted by lighterrr

doula

i thought about what you wrote and yes it does make sense, to an extent we do have an open relationship, i have had encounters with other men, i have not openly told him about it because i know he has a jealous tendency. Yeah i know what you are saying a complete double standard and yes it is. But the relationship works for the both of us and sometimes i need my space so i dont mind him having his affairs. But bottom line is that the relationship works and we have been together over 6 years now.

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That's the difference then... if the expectation of fidelity isn't there to begin with, there would be no reason to be bothered by not having it.

Interesting that he tends to have a jealous tendency... :)

Would also be interesting to see if the act of marrying results in any change of heart on the issue at some point.

The arraingment has worked for the two of you, and that is what matters.

I disagree with you Josiah46. Marriage is not difficult. It is not hard to be true or faithful. You are simply not wired to be faithful. You are the type of person who should NOT be married. I had a uncle like that. Actually I had an ex-boyfriend like that too, come to think of it. (I'm sure my ex is molesting his young teenage virgin students right now... as we speak.. ) Why did you agree to marriage? If you cannot be or don't want to be faithful, or tell the truth, why would you go and promise to do otherwise to another human being? Put aside your feelings for one split second. I'll bet it's pretty hard for you to think about putting yourself in your spouses' shoes, isn't it? You focus on yourself too much. Anyway - try hard. Try REALLY hard to focus on feeling the feelings of the other person who is involved here in this situation. How does he / she feel? How have you let that person down? How do they feel neglected or cheated? How sad do they feel that they can't trust you? How sad and lonely does he / she feed that you don't open up to him / her and communicate your feelings to her? How does she feel - she thinks this is her fault. She feels that she's too fat or too ugly. She thinks that she isn't flashy enough or doesn't make enough money or that her hair isn't just right. How much anxiety and stress are you causing her to feel? How much self esteem has she lost, living with you - married to you as your wife? How desperately lonely is she, as you lay beside her in bed? Put yourself in HER mind. How awful. Can you apologize and take yourself out of this situation or change / alter YOUR actions so that she can be happy again? Can you feel HER pain instead of worrying about YOUR needs? Can you be less selfish? Can you tell her that she's special? If you are compelled to lie and sleep around, wouldn't it be better to just separate or divorce so that she can go on and lead a good life? Maybe she doesn't really need you. Maybe she'd be spared some pain, if you exit quietly. Maybe Josiah46, it's not really all about you.

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Originally Posted by DoulaLC

That's the difference then....if the expectation of fidelity isn't there to begin with, there would be no reason to be bothered by not having it.

Interesting that he tends to have a jealous tendency.....:)

Would also be interesting to see if the act of marrying results in any change of heart on the issue at some point.

The arraingment has worked for the two of you, and that is what matters.

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Lol that's it dula:D;)

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Originally Posted by Bonnie46

I disagree with you Josiah46. Marriage is not difficult. It is not hard to be true or faithful. You are simply not wired to be faithful. You are the type of person who should NOT be married. I had a uncle like that. Actually I had an ex-boyfriend like that too, come to think of it. (I'm sure my ex is molesting his young teenage virgin students right now...as we speak..) Why did you agree to marriage? If you cannot be or don't want to be faithful, or tell the truth, why would you go and promise to do otherwise to another human being? Put aside your feelings for one split second. I'll bet it's pretty hard for you to think about putting yourself in your spouses' shoes, isn't it? You focus on yourself too much. anyway - try hard. Try REALLY hard to focus on feeling the feelings of the other person who is involved here in this situation. How does he / she feel? How have you let that person down? How do they feel neglected or cheated? How sad do they feel that they can't trust you? How sad and lonely does he / she feed that you don't open up to him / her and communicate your feelings to her? How does she feel - she thinks this is her fault. She feels that she's too fat or too ugly. She thinks that she isn't flashy enough or doesn't make enough money or that her hair isn't just right. How much anxiety and stress are you causing her to feel? How much self esteem has she lost, living with you - married to you as your wife? How desperately lonely is she, as you lay beside her in bed? Put yourself in HER mind. How awful. Can you apologize and take yourself out of this situation or change / alter YOUR actions so that she can be happy again? Can you feel HER pain instead of worrying about YOUR needs? Can you be less selfish? Can you tell her that she's special? If you are compelled to lie and sleep around, wouldn't it be better to just separate or divorce so that she can go on and lead a good life? Maybe she doesn't really need you. Maybe she'd be spared some pain, if you exit quietly. Maybe Josiah46, it's not really all about you.

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Bonnie why are you basing your emotions on the actions of another person :confused:
You should not base your happiness on another I think that's unfair to that person we are all no perfect and make mistakes, happiness comes from within you that's my belief anywways.

I'm confused. Is the post "Josiah46" a man who wants to cheat? Or a woman who is upset that her husband isn't being faithful? I responded as though it was a man who was stating that being faithful is just too difficult for him to do.

Josiah - if you're a woman, then you need to lay down the law. Either he respects YOU and follows your rules: i.e.. You DO NOT sleep around with other partners OR he packs his bags and gets out. Plain and simple. Please don't settle. Let him ruin his own life, but don't sit around and let it destroy yours too.

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Originally Posted by lighterrr

bonnie why are you basing your emotions on the actions of another person :confused:
you should not base your happiness on another i think thats unfair to that person we are all no perfect and make mistakes, happiness comes from within you thats my belief anywways.

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Hi Lighterrr, sorry - I'm confused too. How / where did I say or imply that happiness is based on another person? It's not. - you're correct. You're right - no one is perfect, not me, not anyone.

Just to be clear - my original post was directed to the male who is possibly cheating on his wife. I thought Josiah was the man, complaining that it's too hard for him NOT to cheat.

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Originally Posted by Bonnie46

Hi Lighterrr, sorry - I'm confused too. How / where did I say or imply that happiness is based on another person? It's not. - you're correct. You're right - no one is perfect, not me, not anyone.

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When I read through your post I thought you based a lot of your post on josiah selfishness and his total disregard to his marriage vows and how upsetting his wife must be.

I guess what I am saying infidelity or not peoples actions should not be the ultimate decider in how we feel and effect our emotional well being. We need to be the soul cause of our happiness.

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Originally Posted by lighterrr

I guess what i am saying infidelity or not peoples actions should not be the ultimate decider in how we feel and effect our emotional well being. We need to be the soul cause of our happiness.

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Would this also equate with if you are being hit? If he calls you foul names? If he says he doesn't love you? Do you honestly believe someone could continue to be happy and simply separate themselves from those situations? The list can go on and on... You could say someone should never get angry or hurt then by what someone else does.

Certainly our emotions are tied up into the actions of others, especially the actions of the person you choose to marry. Why did you start seeing your partner? I would assume things he did and said made you feel happy... otherwise why continue to see him.

I get the impression that you did not start your relationship this way, void of any emotion in regard to his cheating. I have a feeling that you simply learned to accept it and needed to find a way to do that in order to stay with him. You commented about that very thing. Separating your emotions is a very good way to do that. By not sharing with him that you have also dipped into other pools, makes me wonder if you truly feel it doesn't matter... after all, why should he care if he is happy within himself? I would also assume that most people would choose to allow themselves to feel the full breadth of their emotions, even if that does result in some pain from time to time.

I'm glad you have found a way that works for you to deal with his indiscretions... I hope it continues to work for you and that you have not merely cut off some emotions in order to continue in the relationship.

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Originally Posted by DoulaLC

Would this also equate with if you are being hit? If he calls you foul names? If he says he doesn't love you? Do you honestly believe someone could continue to be happy and simply seperate themselves from those situations? The list can go on and on......... You could say someone should never get angry or hurt then by what someone else does.

Certainly our emotions are tied up into the actions of others, especially the actions of the person you choose to marry. Why did you start seeing your partner? I would assume things he did and said made you feel happy....otherwise why continue to see him.

I get the impression that you did not start out your relationship this way, void of any emotion in regard to his cheating. I have a feeling that you simply learned to accept it and needed to find a way to do that in order to stay with him. You commented about that very thing. Seperating your emotions is a very good way to do that. By not sharing with him that you have also dipped into other pools, makes me wonder if you truly feel it doesn't matter....after all, why should he care if he is happy within himself? I would also assume that most people would choose to allow themselves to feel the full breadth of their emotions, even if that does result in some pain from time to time.

I'm glad you have found a way that works for you to deal with his indiscretions.....I hope it continues to work for you and that you have not merely cut off some emotions in order to continue in the relationship.

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Ty doula your comments has me questioning myself, I am not sure how to respond I need to meditate on this :)