Ask Me Help Desk - My wife has cheated on me three times in the last 5 years.what now

I haven't read any of the replies yet but right off the bat, I got to say STOP DRINKING. Neither of you knows when enough is enough and it has a definite pattern of causing you trouble. That's called a drinking "problem". Each of you needs to get a grip on YOURSELVES first before making any other decisions. Then, try some counseling.

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Originally Posted by HistorianChick

Wow. Having been in the theatre world myself, I

I don't know how to counsel you. Maybe give it a month (or a time limit that you decide) of counseling. If you still don't trust her after that month, then I really think that you should consider a divorce.

I hate to say that because you do love this woman. I can hear it in your post. You have to love her to put up with this. She doesn't recognize what a gem she has. And that is the saddest part of all.

You don't deserve to be cheated on. No one deserves to be cheated on.

It's up to you if you're going to take it anymore.

I do NOT think you should put a time limit on it. I think you should work on it "until". Until you come to a conclusion one way or the other. A month means nothing. It is what is accomplished (or not) in that month or more that matters.

She definitely has issues and immaturity on how she handles her unhappiness. Her bad behavior should never be contingent on his.. Having said that, I don't think that the op
Is a gem as you say. He has his own issues to deal with. His partying and drinking is toxic to his marriage and himself. That needs to stop.

I do agree with you that no one deserves to be cheated on. It is usually not about the one cheated on as much as it is about the "cheaters" inability to handle their inner turmoil in a productive way.

Two of these affairs were actual relationships, which your wife did not admit to until after you found out about them yourself. Had you not found out these relationships, they could have continued and you would never have known about it.

friend4u178 had a good point, it is possible she has had more affairs that you simply never discovered.

I wouldn't wait around to find out about them, it just causes more pain

Quote:

Originally Posted by latenite101

She ended up getting really drunk and in her stupper some douche bag took advantage of her and they had sex.

A douche? That guy is entrepreneurial at the very least, he saw an opportunity and seized it. I've been cheated on, and I don't blame the other guys one bit, I'd probably do the same thing if I was in there shoes.

You're blaming the wrong party, the problem is not the guy sleeps with, it's her. You seem like a smart-enough guy to know this, but you just can't bring yourself to admit it.

She knows it's wrong but does it anyway. It makes sense why she doesn't like to go out, she probably hates herself. She's the glutton for punishment.

I think everyone has had a good comment about the whole situation. I've been at my sisters's house the last week just getting some space. I have to be honest, I still love my wife with all my heart, I mean we have grown up together form 22 to 28. Anyone will admit that those are major maturing years. I've gone through so many crazy emotions in the last week. This has been the most devastating thing I've had to encounter, but I'm learning and growing and trying to be better for having experienced this.

I still don't know if this will end my marriage. Even though we've separated I've agreed to go to counseling just to see what's what. I'm not really afraid of getting divorced, but what I'm really terrified about is that we work it out in counseling and then 3 to 5 years down the road it happens again. However I feel that whether we split, counseling could be helpful for me. The main problem I'm having now is that I can't be around her. Not because I hate her or anything like that, but because when I'm with her I become her loving husband. I'm not the type of person that holds grudges. Even with small things I just don't care. So this is good in a lot of ways, except with dealing with infidelity. What I don't want to happen, is when I go to counseling I just turn into a giant woos.

Any advice for staying objective in counseling? Have your head make decisions and not your emotions?

Its one thing to feel things, its another to know things. I suggest you put your honest feelings forward, and let the counselor guide you through the process of dealing with those feelings in a positive way.

When you can be honest with yourself, you can be honest with your wife, and formulate a plan that allows you to express your hurt, and do something about it, that benefits you both.

To be honest 3 times of cheating, calls for a lawyer, in my way of thinking. But see how YOU feel after your sessions.

I think it's good that you are separated from her for a while. It's not that easy to get a divorce if you still really love her.

You seem to be on track. You're not scared to get a divorce. You're still giving your marriage a chance by going to counselling. And you realize that she might do this again 3 or 5 years down the road. All the options and consequences are laid out in front of you. Take your time, away from her, to decide which is the best option for you.

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Originally Posted by latenite101

I still don't know if this will end my marriage. Even though we've seperated I've agreed to go to counseling just to see what's what. I'm not really afraid of getting divorced, but what I'm really terrified about is that we work it out in counseling and then 3 to 5 years down the road it happens again.

Do you really think you can sustain a relationship without trust?

I think you'd get the most from counseling if you did it after you moved on from your wife, assuming you went through with the divorce. Sort out your emotions on your own so you can express them clearly to the shrink.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HistorianChick

Wow. Having been in the theatre world myself, I understand the ease in which you can slip into the party lifestyle, and the "looser living" of the "stage life." It's easy to lose yourself in the world of theatre, to find solace in partying, and to want the constant thrill - that taste of adrenaline when the lights are shining on you gives you a weird "hunger" for a thrilling life. At least in my own experience.

All that to say, there still is NO excuse for your wife to have an affair - or a number of affairs. If she wasn't happy in the relationship, she should have talked to you about it and worked on it before she started sleeping around.

I don't know - Trust is the foundation of a relationship. Without trust, there IS no relationship. It's just that simple.

You have put up with a lot more than I ever would have. Cheating is just anathema (forbidden) to me.... and yes, I would say that for me, it is unforgivable.

I don't know how to counsel you. Maybe give it a month (or a time limit that you decide) of counseling. If you still don't trust her after that month, then I really think that you should consider a divorce.

I hate to say that because you do love this woman. I can hear it in your post. You have to love her to put up with this. She doesn't recognize what a gem she has. And that is the saddest part of all.

You don't deserve to be cheated on. No one deserves to be cheated on.

It's up to you if you're going to take it anymore.

I wish you the best of luck.

I no were you are comeing from I've been with my husband for 14 years and he did that to me to but if it is really true love you will get throw it life is hard but people get throw it we had a lot of bad stuff going on in our life I lost two children and we have 3 living but my husband did I 4 times it seem when all this bad stuff keep happen that's when he gave up got on drugs what ever else's but I was still there didn't go no were I got him off the drugs and we sat down and talk my husband does loves me and he didn't want to hurt me but it happen if she really loves you she will stop it and maybe you need to sit down and talk maybe she wants kids maybe you guys do more togtter.>NUMBER REMOVED< if you need to talk keep your sexs life going try new things don't be boring life to short live life like it is your last have kids that's what maybe she wants but you will have to trust her again soon if you can get pass that then it will be OK ask her was it you is why she cheating on you if no then ask her what she wants from you and try to be there for her and even more listen to her women love to talk that's what we do best and my husband hasn't done that to me in 10 years so hopefuly you both will get pass all this and live life and if its not meet to be then go on with your life with some one else's life to short to wait and see if she going to stop hurting you but she has to stop cheating on you deep deep down she really has to be in love with you to stop hurting you and if she is in love she will stop but you have to do your part as well .

Serenity, please DON'T post your phone number on the site as this will likely cause you serious issues.
This is for the good of YOUR privacy.