He says I'm the most valuable thing he has and he loves me so much so it would kill him to know, I don't want to hurt him and that's why I haven't said anything yet.
I know that I need to forgive myself first and then it will be so much easier to move on with my husband, sorry to ramble on I'm just trying to speak from the heart

I say don't tell him. You don't see the guy anymore you planning on moving away, just try to let it go.

No I don't see the guy anymore and were planning a move abroad soon, I just can't believe what an idiot I've been. You read about people doing this and never think you will be one of them.
Im not trying to ease my guilt but alcohol was the reason this happened, as I don't drink much when I did I had far too much. Now I don't drink apart from at home with hubby having the odd glass of wine.
I can't tell you how much I'm sorry from the heart - I don't want my hubby to suffer because of my bad choice one night

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Originally Posted by imtryingsohard

no i dont see the guy anymore and were planning a move abroad soon, i just can't believe what an idiot ive been. You read about people doing this and never think you will be one of them.
Im not trying to ease my guilt but alchol was the reason this happened, as i dont drink much when i did i had far too much. Now i dont drink apart from at home with hubby having the odd glass of wine.
I can't tell you how much im sorry from the heart - i dont want my hubby to suffer because of my bad choice one night

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We get that you are sorry... guess what... NONE OF US MATTER. Time to be a good wife, and leave this immature behavior behind you. Get busy! We all make mistakes, so don't die of shame! Life goes on, and you are in the driver seat, so hit the road..

Good luck!

So you think I should just forget about this silly mistake and get on with my marriage

YES!! It also wasn't a SILLY mistake, it was a monumental, epic, retardedly BAD screw up... but that matters no more. Get to work and give your husband what he deserves... true happiness!

P.S. If you just write this off as a "silly" mistake, I am going to lose it on you...

Yeah it was a MASSIVE MISTAKE, and I'm living with the concequences each and everyday of my life, my friend said that if I don't forgive myself and stop beating myself up about it, then I'm not going to be able to move on and mend the marriage.

Im sitting here writing this in tears, that's how gutted I am for what I've done

You have to stop the self pity.

You came here for advice, you have gotten it, first step, everyone makes mistakes, it makes us the people that we are today, you are taking away a lesson that you need to learn, but you have to let it go. No good will come of dwelling on it and hating yourself.

Second step, continue the first step until you heal.

I'm not crying out of pity for me but for the awful thing I've done. I appreciate your help and advice

This is to big of a decision to be made of guilt, shame, or even fear! Your first thing is to dig deep, and forgive yourself. Until then how can you even consider what the consequences of your actions are, and how you will cope with them.

One thing for sure, it's a wake up call to some bad behavior, and a hard lesson learned.

Forgive yourself, and heal, before you decide what to do.

I'm really swaying on the idea of not to tell him and forgive myself for the horrible thing I've done. Not because I may lost him (which would be awful) but it would hurt him so so much, and why put him through that when I can decide on the other path. This way he don't get hurt and our 9 year relationship is saved??

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Originally Posted by imtryingsohard

my friend said that if i dont forgive myself and stop beating myself up about it, then im not going to be able to move on and mend the marriage.

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If you don't want your husband to find out, don't tell any more friends.

How many people have you told?

If you are telling him to assuage your guilt than I would not do it.

Your guilt is not going to magically disappear if you spill the beans but your husband just might.

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Originally Posted by asking

If you don't want your husband to find out, don't tell any more friends.

How many people have you told?

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I've only told my best friend and she won't tell him, its not something I'm proud of and just needed someone to talk too

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Originally Posted by artlady

If you are telling him to assuage your guilt than I would not do it.

Your guilt is not going to magically disappear if you spill the beans but your husband just might.

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I'm trying to think of the advantages of telling him? I know that if I tell him that it won't heal my guilt, that's something I've got to do on my own, I've learnt that from the advice on here

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Originally Posted by imtryingsohard

im trying to think of the advantages of telling him? i know that if i tell him that it wont heal my guilt, thats something ive got to do on my own, ive learnt that from the advice on here

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If you did this because there is trouble in the marriage and you are having conflict,maybe then it would be advisable to tell as then you could open up a dialogue about the reasons for cheating and your issues,etc, That does not apply here.

You screwed up and you would break his heart and may very well destroy your marriage.
If you need to confess,go to confession.

I abhor lying and deceit but I don't think this innocent man should be crushed and your marriage possibly destroyed for a stupid mistake.

Stop beating yourself up! Your human.

There isn't anything really wrong in my marriage, I say really wrong as I meant that it was going a bit stale after 9 years, but this has given me the bolt up the to sit up and realise that if we try hard enough we can make it work.
This has made me realise that you need to work on a marriage as I won't work on its own. I just thought that you got married and that was it, I've learned a lot from this HUGH MISTAKE

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Originally Posted by imtryingsohard

there isnt anything really wrong in my mariage, i say really wrong as i meant that it was going a bit stale after 9 years, but this has given me the bolt up the to sit up and realise that if we try hard enough we can make it work.
This has made me realise that you need to work on a marriage as i wont work on its own. I just thought that you got married and that was it, ive learned a lot from this HUGH MISTAKE

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Marriage takes a lot of work.I am always surprised when young innocent kids who are so in love come here and think that the only ingredient for happiness in their relationship it love.

Love is the easy part,that comes naturally ,the rest takes work and a commitment that changes over time and oh so many other issues.Its enough to boggle the mind. :eek:

Lesson learned.. move on and see it as the wake up call that it was.

Good luck!

We were together for 6 years before we wed, I just assumed it would be the same, I don't know if its just me or you have to work harder when your married??

I will do anything I can now to make this work, its all my fault and I accept that 110%, the hard part is trying to forgive myself

You work harder when you are married... the longer the time together the better you know each other and the more routine your life can become.

You work for fresh and new, but you have to work for it all the time. Once it becomes routine and your relationship is subconscience, that is when you are most vulnerable to being taken and taking things for granted.

We get that you understand and accept responsibility, but you are dwelling TOO hard on it. It's been five months, you surely have made some progress I would hope, you can not let this consume you because it will damage you and your marriage.