Ask Me Help Desk - My husband's child

Quote:

Originally Posted by liz28

It doesn't sems like your husband cares about you nor his kids let alone yours. He might just be keeping you around to be a caregiver while he does nothing.

He cheated, move in ex girlfriends, left you, plotting to do the same with another ex, don't you think deserve better. Drama, lies, unwilling to compromise,untrustworthy, no communication are things that to make a marriage lasts and if he wanted it to he would be doing the opposite and be stepping up to be a real dad. Right now he is mor like a guy in the house whether than a dad.

Sometimes you've to do what is right for you for your own piece of mind and right now this isn't. You put up with to much from this guy, I wouldn'e be left, and in the end you've to ask yourself is it worth it? What exactly is he doing to help the household besides providing money?

Think about it, I mean really think about. My fiance cooks, clean, help out with the kids, pamper me, and manage a full time job. This is how it should be with you. Your husband should be giving you a helping hand.

Gonna go for now but I'll be back.

Believe me after all of this, things are GOING to change when he gets back. And if he doesn't like it he can stay gone at work or where ever he wants to go. I have realized that these kids DO need me because they don't have anyone else. I had a really good talk with Avery this morning and I realized that he thought that his mother had kept his older brother and only left him. I had not known that. I guess she gave him up after she gave up Avery. He really did think it was his fault that she left and my fault and my husband's fault. I told him that she left because she wanted to and that's what makes her a bad person, not him. I really think he understood me. I told him that every day he has to remind himself that he's a good kid and he can be good. And anytime he thinks of doing something bad he needs to remind himself of that. So far he's been very tolerable. There hasn't been any disruption in the house at all. I told my best friends here that they are going to have to help keep my morale up because I am sure there are going to be good days and bad days but I am going to keep going with or without my husband because I don't think now that I can send him back to live with his mother. Knowing that he's not going to be taken care of. I am getting Avery back in counselling on Monday. I told him he doesn't have to be scared of his counsellor or me and he doesn't have to worry about being left alone because he's not going to be. It was very constructive and very beneficial to both of us. And I think that I have a better understanding about how he feels and how he feels about his mother. He said he doesn't want to go back to her because, his words, "she is mean to me". I do know that little boys go through a period of a few years starting at about the age of five where they feel this bond with their mother's to the point that sometimes they can be jealous of their fathers. In a normal two parent household that is. I also realized that Avery is at the age where he should feel that bond with his mother, but how can he if she's nowhere around? It is very sad what she has done, but hopefully I can put my energy into working with him now instead of hating her. I am pretty sure that my husband will "jump on the wagon" once he realizes how serious I am. And my kids are going to have to stop looking at this like a way they are suffering and instead a way to be a role model to the younger kids.

Since our talk (see Liz28), Avery and Noah (my son) have made breakfast together AND now they have offered to clean their rooms. Avery has cleaned up his room and now he's helping with mine. I appreciate everyone's support on this. As crazy as I think it is to talk to strangers about my problems, it's really helped. I sent my husband an email that said we are keeping Avery and he's going to have to conform to being a husband and father first if it's going to work. Now I think it would be best to file for custody of Avery since there is no standing order on him because if his mother showed up out of the blue demanding him back and my husband is overseas, there's nothing that I can do about it. However, I don't think she cares enough to do that. And as sad as it seems, we are lucky she feels that way. I hope some day she realizes that the issue between her and my husband is about Avery, not about her feelings for my husband or her dislike for me.

Good for you! I knew his behavior was because of his mother and got that feeling right from the start of reading your thread. That's why I told you not to give up on him because you might be the one that makes a difference in his life. You might have to show him extra love and talk to him more.

You are an amazingly strong person and you'll be blessed for it. I never thought you was bitter from the start but knew you had a lot on your plate and knew getting it off your chest would help and after you gave more insight on your situation I was blow away.

If your leaves than let him but you do what you said your going do. It' good that you've dependable friends, lean on them and let them help because it takes a village to raise a child. But no matter what you do, stay strong. Be there for all your kids. Start family night with them and play games together. Let them help you out in the house by giving them chores. Watch movies together and talk to them. Let them talk you what's on their mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by liz28

Good for you! I knew his behavior was because of his mother and got that feeling right from the start of reading your thread. That's why I told you not to give up on him because you might be the one that makes a difference in his life. You might have to show him extra love and talk to him more.

You are an amazingly strong person and you'll be blessed for it. I never thought you was bitter from the start but knew you had alot on your plate and knew getting it off your chest would help and after you gave more insight on your situation I was blow away.

If your leaves than let him but you do what you said your going do. It' good that you've dependable friends, lean on them and let them help because it takes a village to raise a child. But no matter what you do, stay strong. Be there for all your kids. Start family night with them and play games together. Let them help you out in the house by giving them chores. Watch movies together and talk to them. Let them talk you what's on their mind.

You know I had stopped talking to the kids because it seemed as though all that had to be said was dreadful news about one kid doing something to the other. I started to not want to hear what they had to say and I guess it did a great part in blocking the avenue of them coming to me with their needs. My friends have six kids, three of hers and three of his, kind of like the Brady Bunch but more boys then girls. They are so great, and great together. Her husband had died mysteriously about four years ago and his wife ran off with another man. They were neighbors who only after getting through their problems fell in love. It's one of those great loves that spills over onto everyone around them. But their ability to handle all of those kids marvels me. AND THEY WANT MORE!! It's crazy to me but even watching them both go through things before they got together, their relationship and their family couldn't be more right. I hope that I have the ability to transform ours into such a wonderful thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by stayc4you

You know I had stopped talking to the kids because it seemed as though all that had to be said was dreadful news about one kid doing something to the other. I started to not want to hear what they had to say and I guess it did a great part in blocking the avenue of them coming to me with their needs. My friends have six kids, three of hers and three of his, kind of like the Brady Bunch but more boys then girls. They are so great, and great together. Her husband had died mysteriously about four years ago and his wife ran off with another man. They were neighbors who only after getting through their problems fell in love. It's one of those great loves that spills over onto everyone around them. But their ability to handle all of those kids marvels me. AND THEY WANT MORE!!! It's crazy to me but even watching them both go through things before they got together, their relationship and their family couldn't be more right. I hope that I have the ability to transform ours into such a wonderful thing.

The trick to transforming something into a "wonderful thing" is to see the just how wonderful it already is. Look byond the dust, scuffs, grim, wear, and tear to the reality within.
"Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it."- Confucius

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do."- Confucius

"Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying." ~Baba Ram Dass (interesting this one is... )

"The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal." ~Astrid Alauda

Something I often turn to in my deepest hours of need... I don't like sharing this so openly, but you need it more then I.
"Love is my ally, Life is my goal,
And respect is my accomplishment." - Ben T. S. (me)
It came to me one night when I was considering suicide. I've lived by it ever since, and I'm still her 10 years later, so it must be good for something.

Pecae be with you, and your younglings. :)

P.S. Try reading the self help book, "the brain that changes it'sself." It opened my eyes to just how human we truly are. Also I would advise, if I haven't already, a MRI, and such. Talk to Psychiatrists, and Psychologists.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nestorian

The trick to transforming something into a "wonderful thing" is to see the just how wonderful it already is. Look byond the dust, scuffs, grim, wear, and tear to the reality within.
"Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it."- Confucius

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do."- Confucius

"Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying." ~Baba Ram Dass (interesting this one is...)

"The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal." ~Astrid Alauda

Something i often turn to in my deepest hours of need... I don't like sharing this so openly, but you need it more then I.
"Love is my ally, Life is my goal,
And respect is my accomplishment." - Ben T. S. (me)
It came to me one night when i was considering suicide. I've lived by it ever since, and i'm still her 10 years later, so it must be good for something.

Pecae be with you, and your younglings. :)

P.S. Try reading the self help book, "the brain that changes it'sself." It opened my eyes to just how human we truly are. Also I would advise, if i havent already, a MRI, and such. Talk to Psychiatrists, and Psychologists.

You know I found the hardest part of recovering from my attempted suicide was forgiving myself for being so selfish. I too had tried to kill myself. I have been sexually assaulted and instead of comfort in my (ex) husband I found that he blamed me. He threw me and my kids out in the street for it. I wanted to die so much because I thought then that it really had to have been my fault for him to have reacted that way. But it wasn't my fault and that has been almost seven years ago. I still have relapses at times blaming myself for not only standing up to the man that assaulted me but also for being stupid enough to want to leave my children alone in this world.

I must confess Nestorian that after you mention you was logging out to watch Max Payne I rented that movie the same day. I forgot about that movie but I love the video game. I don't know about you but the movie was a little disappointing. I thought it would have been more action pack but I love Markey Mark so I wasn't that disappointed.

Stac, that's why I believe in that saying "what don't kill you only makes you stronger". Wouldn't you agree?

Did you e-mail your husband what you had to say yet?

Quote:

Originally Posted by liz28

I must confess Nestorian that after you mention you was logging out to watch Max Payne I rented that movie the same day. I forgot about that movie but I love the video game. I don't know about you but the movie was a little disappointing. I thought it would have been more action pack but I love Markey Mark so I wasn't that disappointed.

Stac, that's why I believe in that saying "what don't kill you only makes you stronger". Wouldn't you agree?

Did you e-mail your husband what you had to say yet?

Yes I did and he was surprisingly excited that there was going to be some changes. He said he's ready. We'll see in two weeks when he gets back from China.

Quote:

Originally Posted by stayc4you

You know I found the hardest part of recovering from my attempted suicide was forgiving myself for being so selfish. I too had tried to kill myself. I have been sexually assualted and instead of comfort in my (ex) husband I found that he blamed me. He threw me and my kids out in the street for it. I wanted to die so much because I thought then that it really had to have been my fault for him to have reacted that way. But it wasn't my fault and that has been almost seven years ago. I still have relapses at times blaming myself for not only standing up to the man that assaulted me but also for being stupid enough to want to leave my children alone in this world.

Suicide is selfish, but that is not a conscious choice. Try to imagining a really bright, but not too bright, mesmorising light hanging in front of you, and you are darwn to it. Depression sucks you down, because we can not often get our minds off the pain, suffering, fear, doubt, and hoplessness. The light is depression, and there is no one else around to stop you on account that they too are far to selfish to realise what is happening. See, they are focused on the same things, but in a different way. I would argue that they who complain that the government is this or that, or drink too much and loose their car, or tell tails of their wild weekends, or talk about their "friends" behind their back, or judge some one who is dealing with depression for feeling that there is no other way but death. Because they are doing the same thing, only their minds are not as affected by it, I beieve it's because they have a "F*** you attitude". You know what I mean, they get mad and angery hurting those around them so that they don't have to feel misserable alone. This too is a matter of the subconsious mind.

Any who, Do not blam yourself for something you survived, where as those who would judge you for it, probably would be dead if they were in your "shoes". And if you don't know why you are depressed, no we know the basics for it but I mean if you don't know of a mental illness, conditioned respons, or what ever that is causing it. Then how can you deal with it, or over come it? “Named must your fear be before banish it you can.” - Yoda Be not proud for it often leads to ignorance, but be saticfied to have over come that obsticle. That helps me forgive myself.

As for you sexual abuse, I'm deeply pained that you were subjected to such an experience. I have not really bin abused in such, but I know many girls who have. I always comfort them as best as I can. I only wish I could do more.

Peace be with you.

I totally understand what you are saying. It terrible that as women we have so much control. We can ruin a man's life. My husband's in the military and we have heard of women stick holes in condoms so that the men can get them pregnant. Women need to look at it all around. I really feel that your husband should have had the opportunity to make a choice if he wanted the baby or not. Some women try to use the babies as a trap. If I were you I would try my hardest to get the child back with her mother. The reason she went looking for you is because she wanted someone else to take care of her.