Ask Me Help Desk - Happily married but falling in love with another man.

I was going to write you a manual about growing up and being mature about handling your business, but I changed my mind, and will keep it simple.

While you can control your feelings for others, you can control what you do about them, so don't ever try to make excuses for bad behavior.

Second if you spent as much time, and effort communicating with your husband, and being patient, as you do yucking it up with this other guy, you might actually resolve your problems.

If you leave this other guy alone, and focus on your new husband, you might actually enjoy getting to know each other sexually.

And lastly, if your not getting your rocks off, then you must not know how to, and are blaming the wrong person for the lack of a nut. Seems you have a lot of learning about you, before you can teach someone else what you need.

I think your attraction with the other man is just physical, so why not ask your husband if he was comfortable with a threesome or foursome with another woman. That way your sexual desires would be met without actually cheating.

However I think being married means you made a commitment to someone. Marriage is not lust or just love, but more of a commitment. Commitment should be placed above any sexual desires. However since if a person does not have children, if their desires are stronger than their sense of commitment, than they would get a divorce before they break their vowels.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tami1985

I think your attraction with the other man is just physical, so why not ask your husband if he was comfortable with a threesome or foursome with another woman. That way your sexual desires would be met without actually cheating.

However I think being married means you made a commitment to someone. Marriage is not lust or just love, but more of a commitment. Commitment should be placed above any sexual desires. However since if a person does not have children, if their desires are stronger than their sense of commitment, than they would get a divorce before they break their vowels.

I would never break my vowels. Consonants maybe, but never vowels! ;)

Honestly, and I'm not attempting to offend you, when I was with my fiancée he was the only person I saw. Meaning that physically I was attracted to no other men, even ones that attempted to flirt with me while I was alone. Even after leaving him (he suffers from severe depression, the doctors were not supplying the help he wanted so desperately and it was unhealthy for us to remain together at the end) I still love him deeply and it is hard for me to see other men in a sexual/physical nature.

There's no such thing as just looking. If you're looking something is missing and you either need to help supply it or move on.

Your husband may just not have that much experience sexually. He may not know or understand why just jumping to the act isn't doing it for you. A lot of men also have a misconception about foreplay until they have experienced it for themselves. Then they love it!

If you can't talk about things in the bedroom then you need to examine both trust and relationship issues. You don't actually have to leave him but it may be wise to get a counselor. There are even sex counselors out there for singles and couples to help work through these issues.

Something is wrong if you are already seeking an outside source to fulfill something that is missing. Decide if you want to save your marriage - ignoring it will just make things worse and having an affair will cause him more pain then you can possibly imagine. Take it from someone who has been cheated on. If you want to save your marriage then find the help to do so and take an active role.

Quote:

Originally Posted by starbuck8

I would never break my vowels. Consonants maybe, but never vowels! ;)

:p ROFL!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by starbuck8

I would never break my vowels. Consonants maybe, but never vowels! ;)

I guess that was funny. I forgot how to spell "vows" so I just sounded it out incorrectly.

However you can have "breaks" between vowelS, so I don't think its funny, but hey I guess I don't have a sense of humor if the jokes on me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tami1985

I guess that was funny. I forgot how to spell "vows" so I just sounded it out incorrectly.

However you can have "breaks" between vowels, so I don't think its funny, but hey I guess I don't have a sense of humor if the jokes on me.

Don't worry about it. I wasn't trying to make fun of you, and I appologize if that made you feel bad. I was having a bad day, and it's my B'day today. That was one of the best presents I could have gotten, because you got me out of my bad mood, and I laughed all day after that. I'm just laughing with you hun, not at you. :D

You did give some good advice, although I don't think she should bring up the idea of a threesome, but each to their own.

It seems that you are more comfortable with the idea of marriage than actually being married. There are only 2 choices here as everyone has said. We will not give you comfort in this issue by telling you that any aspect of this is OK. Since there do not seem to be children involved, divorce your husband, then screw your new friend. Otherwise, do what you know is the right thing and stop seeing this dude now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tami1985

I guess that was funny. I forgot how to spell "vows" so I just sounded it out incorrectly.

However you can have "breaks" between vowelS, so I don't think its funny, but hey I guess I don't have a sense of humor if the jokes on me.

Please don't feel bad - it's cute not embarrassing. Among the other things I've done in life I actually am a military and academically trained linguistic (I'm a Network Admin now go figure) and it was just cute to me. It really made me laugh. I really like word play, accidential or intentional.

I still sound words out. ;)

Tell your husband your feeling!that should help!if you do not care about your husband,do not want to go ahead with your marriage,then follow up your feeling with othere men!but finally I am sure you will get nothing!think about seriously before you take every step!

Quote:

Originally Posted by quiteconfused22

I have been happily married to my husband for over 8 months now which I know is a very short time to be having problems like this. Recently I have been hanging out with a friend of mine from work and we both know that there is a physical attraction for each other. We haven't done anything as far as cheating goes. But I'm not sure how much longer we can restrain ourselves from each other. Although I am still a newly wed the sex between my husband and I isn't the best. He doesn't know foreplay and it's hard to achieve an orgasm with him. I have a feeling if I did have sex with the other man not only would he know how foreplay goes but I would be able to achieve an orgasm easily with him. I really don't want to hurt my husband. I love him so much but I'm beginning to fall for the other man. I really don't know what I should do. I have tried talking to my husband as well.:(

I would also like to point out the obvious oxy-moronic part of your question. You say you "love" your husband, but you are falling in love with "another" man, and you don't want to "hurt" your husband.

I really don't think you are thinking about your husband here at all! You are thinking only of yourself, and what satisfies YOU! That is very selfish and self serving. I really don't think you looked past the wedding in this case. A "marriage" isn't about the "wedding" and the "romance". The "marriage" is about hard work, commitment, trust, communication, and respect. It doesn't sound to me like you made a commitment to yourself to work on these things, before you said "I do" Sex is just one part of a marriage, and your compatibility should have been established well before you walked down the aisle.

You love your husband but you have the urge to have sex with another man besides him. You seem to be contradicting yourself a little. If you loved him, you would try to work it out, and realise that sex IS part of your marriage but not enough to ditch him just because you can't climax.. Save this good man the pain, and end it now before you really do become physically unfaithful. Even if you did manage to work it out with your husband now, how do you know you won't carry on finding this other man more sexy? You have made a mistake by getting married.

I know you probably won't like this answer and I'm sorry, but its just my opinion and I'm not trying to insult you I promise because it is up to you, but I'm just giving my advice. Goodluck with it.

Also just one more thing, I think the love you may feel for him is quite conditional and not entirely genuine perhaps. Even you do love him, realise that once you have been unfaithful to him, than you are guaranteed to feel guilt-ridden and you may lose him forever. If it is a risk you are prepared to take.. Just a thought.

Don't be a lazy wife, and want happiness handed to you. That's the easy way out. Work for your marriage.

.. Okay.. First off, let me point out: This is the husband of the 'questionable' wife that posted. Same account different person... I'm just using this account which I just found out about to post today.

I'd also like to thank all of you for trying to provide constructive advice for her. If only she had asked the question for opinions and not justification for what she was planning on doing regardless.

Ironically, now I'd like to ask the same question... what should I do now that she had the affair and I know about it? Which I know needs some background as it's been a month since the affair.

Note: She is 22, and I'm 26 for thous who are curious.

But first I'd like address my wife's fears/reasoning:
sex between my husband and I isn't the best: I will agree that it is not the hot, new, fiery and 'hidden/naugty' sex we had when we first got together 4 years ago. I mean before we got married she got to 'hide' the fact we had sex from her parents which added that since of 'naughty' and filled that rebellious child emotion. (You know the one when a child smiles you right in the face when they now they are doing something wrong but do it anyway.) - however now, sex is more a practical, it doesn't have to be hidden; it is no longer 'wrong' to do what we do; which unfortunately is opposite of what 'turns' her on. I knew this; and was trying everything I could to ignite her 'fire' again; she knew that too.. - but seems she only gave me two months to try and resolve things; before she though 'hey' other cute guy... *grrrr*

He doesn't know foreplay and it's hard to achieve an orgasm with him: First off, the orgasm; we both agree that this fact is false. Like someone pointed out it was her trying to make excuses for doing what she wanted. It takes me about 50 seconds to give her an orgasm any time she is in the mood, sometimes even when she is not. And I also engage in foreplay; however foreplay to her has to be 'dangerous' you know doing things that are not suppose to be done. Other then that I get ignored or pushed away. 'Cuddling, soft touching, ice, feathers, flattery, gussbumps, talking - you name it I was always eger to please her with foreplay; however these things just went over her head because they we're not forbinden. When I'd confront her and ask he what she wanted; she'd always say I don't know! So having tried everything and her offering 'ZERO' sugesstions; I took a break on trying for a couple weeks after my dog of 14 years died (It was too much stress at that point, I needed a little break and I trusted her. (This is when she started hanging out with the other guy by the way, and wow - since he was a 'honey' man and it was wrong to be doing what she was doing she got horny around him... )

he know how foreplay goes but I would be able to achieve an orgasm easily with him: Well this is true; he could get her off easy... I know because I got her off easy too; like a week before they even went out. It not hard... His foreplay was nothing more then the 'forbidden fruit' thing... I want to touch you but I can't kind of hotness...

I have tried talking to my husband as well: She did not try talking to me until after she let him stick a finger in her... So this was after the fact that she tried talking and not before... - Her version of talking was also... 'Now don't get mad, But What if I told you I find myself sexually attracted to another man, and it makes me miss the foreplay we use to have.' - I just hearing my wife basically say she's sexually interested in another man when you've been married such a short time is heart-breaking but I held it together; didn't lash out or yell at her. To me her happiness has always been my main concern. But basically, before I went out and said something I'd regret, I' simply said... 'Be careful you're walking down a very dangerous road' being attracted to another man'. (At the time I had 200% faith in my wife; and was not worried that she'd act on it... Ooo how naïve I was; actually trusting a person you marry?)

This is where the relevant history comes into play:
After the ''Be careful you're walking down a very dangerous road' line - I then used two days to collect my feelings so I could express them to her on our 4 year 'anniversary' of when we first went out... I was planning on taking her out and being all romantic; before bringing up a talk about how I was trying to deal with her telling me she liked another guy, in addition to that fact, that I too wanted our sex life to be 'fiery' and was willing to work on it with her. This plan was kind of altered 'when' she called from work saying she was going out with friends... My wife, a girl girl, who holds onto anniversaries like no other
Forgot. (Anyway, when I reminded her she basically said oh, - okay I'm coming home right now... ) - we went out and things just felt weird during dinner - on the drive home I got her cell phone; and she took it away as fast as she could.. This made me wonder? Which basically through a little 'computer' spying and messages she and him sent out - is how I almost had my first heart attack. Come to find out that our anniversary night (The 27th) was the night they planned have intercourse for the first time; which I interrupted thank god, but does not forgive what she would have done...

From there lots of sparks flew from my side, anger yelling, crying, talking, talking... - and well it's been almost 2 months now; and for whatever reason I've been trying to work it out between us. But the logical, rational side of my mind still says 'leave' her; she's been a child and she will most likely not change... Seems everyone I talk too agrees; that if she could premeditate an affair and go though with it; then there are women more deserving of my kind nature out there then her. Which I agree, but the other side I feel that I love her, I gave her my vows I don't want to break them, she is cute and cuddly, she, prior to this, made me happy regardless what happened... We were in love for '4' years... Is not this affair just another 'step' we have to work through to building a relationship?

Or am I just crazy?

Basically, When is enough enough? Do I risk wasting more of my life for the one I love now; in hopes to keep her... Or do I cut my loses and find someone new to love and trust again?

?? That is the question..?

P.s. Here is what I know about her affair: (I'm going to hold out my anger in the facts and just state what I know... ) It's in the time line that it happened...

-2 Months prior she talked me into 'trying' for a baby; as she has a great desire to be a mom; and I finally caved. So I said we would not try, try but we could stop birth control and see what happens. The thought of a 'little' one grew on me for those month. Then poof: Yes - She planned and had the affair with the other guy; still trying to have a kid with me. She wanted it all... Very immature; and hurtful. I found a messages where She also told 'him' the other guy, that she was trying to get pregnant and she wanted him to wear a condom; because knowing her luck she would end up pregnant with his child not mine. (*ouch for me is right*)

- June 22 She met him... Everything below happened June 23rd, 24, 25 and 26. (Short affair)

- Message saying: She wishes she was single.

- Lots's Messages saying she did not want to hurt me; but she was in love with him...

- They dry humped on his bed.

- they Kissed

- Messages: that he made her so wet all the time.

- See sent him pictures of her naked.

- They swaped 'phone' videos of them masturbating... My wife sent him one of her using a blue 'female' stick device in her 'private area' 'close up'.

- She let him touch her breast; and made out with him in her car. (2nd base)

- (3rd base) She let him finger her in her car (she later told me that it was short and she puched his hand out and she didn't like it, however...

- Message stating to him that 'She enjoyed him fingering her last night. And wanted more, that he was all she thought about...

- Messages to him saying that she did not feel guilty about him fingering her... That she enjoyed it a lot and wanted to do it again; but didn't know when.

- Messages to him ploting to have intercourse for the first time. (Yes, it took ploting: The guy still lives with his mommy so they we're waiting for her to be out of town. *see humor!*... ) -

- That they would do it one time; and no one ever finds out.

- Lots of message about how she longed for him!! Nothing about feeling guilty or her telling him no...

After I found out:

- She told me that they 'never' had intercourse and that she was calling it off. Though, I have nothing that says she did do it with him or not; who knows... (Her messages said otherwise to the calling it off though; when asked she told me she just enjoyed leading him on but would never do it... )

- When I asked her to tell me everything that happen between them; she said they just kissed... I asked her again and again telling her I knew part of what happened; and I did not want her to lie to me - she still didn't mention him fingering her. She with-held that fact... Who knows why...

- She says she only wanted a friend and he pushed for sex; that she kept saying no... (This message board I assume negates that lie... ) in addition: everything she wrote to him was a 'yes' never a no...

- She says she was a child and was played by him... Manipulated...

-She told me she stopped seeing him after we had out fight. (June 30th)

-She broke it off with him 'officially' (via e-mail) 4 weeks after I found out about them. (July 27)

-He got fired from where she works (Unrelated to this, but still good news)

-She says, constantly, she is sorry, she only loves me; and will never again do this. (That she was played and her 'lust' and the forbidden fruit thing was why this happened, and she'll never let that happen again. She realized that I do make her happy even when we have a rough spot.)

- I pretty sure she has stopped seeing him, and has no feelings but anger at him. But no way to know for absolute... I could still be getting played... *my guess is that it's just my fear and not the case though... *

- She has been putting 100% effort into trying to talk with me; and work on us the last few months. She feels very guilty and sad for what happened. (I'm still stuck with the fact that it did happen)

- She's told me she has been doing a lot of personal searching and that she is 'not' going to be 'messed' up anymore... (I'm still stuck with the fact that it did happen... I say that a lot don't I)

- We had several fights when I told her I wanted her to go back on birth control. She didn't want to. She is on it for now... but my guess only for my reasons not hers.

-----------

So that's that... I swear I could make a cheesy 'short story' and make a few dollars from it...

But I'm still stuck in the middle here. I have fun being with her; we have a blast some days now that it's been 2 months. But part of me is feeling like I'm being played, in a couple months, year - she'll do it again only more secretive? I will never forget, or forgive her for what happen I know. But I feel like what we have now is a stronger more commutative relationship... A more enjoyable relationship... I just don't know what to do; it hurts to think about what she did; it hurts to think about letting her 'get' what she wants after hurting myself so bad in this way. I mean yes, she feels guilt; but I have to live with being the 'hurt' one everyday...

At this point I think I can go either way. I can stay and be happy and take the risk, or I can leave (be sad for awhile) then happy again...

But honestly, you all said you tell the 'TRUTH' here on the forums... And that's what I want; the ideas of strangers not taking my money listing what they feel is advice TRUTH?

Do we work through this since we're both willing and trying? And doing a good job to date considering...

Do I leave her because what she did. She was happy with me; yet she did this anyway... ; is it likely to happen again? Am I'm just trying to rationalize a reason to stay so I don't have to look at obvious 'facts' of who I married; so I don't have to admit I made a mistake? Am I just being a 'Parent' to this 'Child', instead of two adults?

Am I just opening the door to take a bigger risk by staying with her? She did come her after all and ask for advice and ignore it all because no one backed her 'actions' up...

Anyone, your thoughts?

Don't know if you are still interested in answers or made your final choice. In any case, the marriage isn't necessarily doomed although obvious major issues exist.

My first 2 suggestions is to get this book:

Amazon.com: Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity: Shirley P. Glass, Jean Coppock Staeheli: Books

Then go check out this site:

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

Despite what she said happened & what really happened, at least she stopped herself before it was even worse (many do not) & was seeking advice on how to deal with the situation here instead of a site where cheaters are encouraged to keep on with the affair. That does indicate a lot of hope that she does want the marriage to be protected even though her actions prior to posting here were obviously destructive.

Feel free to contact me if you'd like suggestions for other resources to help or would like me to post them here. There are many, lots which are inexpensive or free.

Good luck to you both!

Quote:

Originally Posted by BetrayalBtCamp

Don't know if you are still interested in answers or made your final choice. In any case, the marriage isn't necessarily doomed altho obvious major issues exist.

My first 2 suggestions is to get this book:

Amazon.com: Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity: Shirley P. Glass, Jean Coppock Staeheli: Books

Then go check out this site:

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

Despite what she said happened & what really happened, at least she stopped herself before it was even worse (many do not) & was seeking advice on how to deal with the situation here instead of a site where cheaters are encouraged to keep on with the affair. That does indicate a lot of hope that she does want the marriage to be protected even tho her actions prior to posting here were obviously destructive.

Feel free to contact me if you'd like suggestions for other resources to help or would like me to post them here. There are many, lots which are inexpensive or free.

Good luck to you both!

Thanks for the reference. I'll check it out...

One thing though, she didn't stop herself. Luck stopped her - me calling at the time she was going to do it; then finding out about it stopped her. She posted this message on the 25th; before she wanted to have 'sex' with the other guy. Regardless of what you guys told her; she still pursued it and asked him... After she made the post her. So her actions took place after coming here...

Hence why I'm having a hard time again; as it seems pre-meditated on her part. She knew it was wrong, she asked you guys; and yet she still continued her affair and plans with the guy. They fingered and 'touched' a lot after coming here... and they were about 15 minutes away from having sex before I 'called'...

I do know that the marriage is not over. It can be saved; and both of us can re-build like we have been. But given the facts; my questions is 'family' do I re-build with her; or find someone else who can follow wedding vows?

I want it to work between us; I really do. I just don't want to make a mistake again. I could never go through this again with her... So you, as long as my voice of reason is not off; and that since we both want to be together then I guess that what we should work on... And see what happens down the road...

*here is keeping your fingers crossed****

If she had wanted to screw him right away, that would have happened. He obviously had no problem screwin a married woman & being coworkers could have made that happen. So she did use some sort of brakes, weak as they were (agree with you on that part). I do give her credit for that & again, for posting here but it's certainly not gold medal marriage enhancement actions that she was interested in, granted.

At this point you have nothing much to lose by giving your marriage a chance to overcome this. The damage is done. It can be repaired & this marriage put on the right track if both of you want that to happen & put the effort into it that it will take.

ALL affair betrayals are premediated, people don't have their private parts accidentally fingered or screwed. Some people may get some drinks in them so they can tell themselves (or their partner if busted) they didn't want or intend it to happen but without a date drug being involved or being out cold from alcohol / drugs & taken advantage of (which begs the question why they put themselves in that sort of situation anyway), all cheaters figure out how to make the cheating work for them deliberately. It's just many do not realize they are on the slippery slope toward an affair until they don't want to make the right choices anymore.

If you go over to SI, they have a special forum for the wandering spouse to get support & advice as well as the betrayed one. They also have a Healing Library with lots of good info.

I could email you guys some articles or even exercises & book excerpts that may be helpful if you like. I'd be happy to do that (no charge).

Most cheaters minimize what they did & many prefer to think "it just happened". More like to claim the marriage or the partner is to blame, which is not true at all. It was their screwed up thinking & carrying it out that caused the betrayal.

I also suggest VERY strongly you guys check out the Retrouvaille program immediately. They are not offered all the time but are all over the place. That way you'll know when you'd have a chance to go. It's extremely helpful plus they want all that need it to be able to benefit so expense is not an issue. It is put on by the church but they again, want people to have great marriages so religion is not the focus at all. They want all couples to feel comfortable so it's definitely not a "we want to convert you" kind of thing at all. The program teaches a great communication tool & other very good marriage foundational / enhancement stuff. It's an entire weekend plus several follow up sessions of a few hrs long every week right after. Quite a bargain for the info & price. Plus that will put you in touch with other couples wanting to make their marriage work well for both, so is a great support system as well.

Retrouvaille Marriage Help for couples with marriage problems.

First, I would like to say that I don't beieve this guy took advantage of her. She was the one that stated she was in love and happily marry and came here seeking advice but didn't take it and cheated anyway. Then lied to you about the affair stated it ended when it didn't.

It's great that you want to work on the marriage but note it will be hard. Truth is hard to regain. As stated eariler by another member she was very selfish. Can it happen again maybe, no one knows. She wanted her cake and ice cream too and went and testing other waters under your nose. If it was me, I'd be gone because she threw away what your had and still lied in your face about it. This will always be in the back of your head and I can help to think that somehow your making excuses for her wrong doing. No weapon was involved it was her own free will. There will always be temptations but we have to have something call self control. What happens when someone else catches her eye?

What a bad place to be in. Don't be an idiot though. Her word is dirt!! Of course she will be sweet as pie, now that the truth is out. It may even last for a while. There are no consequences for her actions... yet. I can predict it will take you an awful long time to get over this, if she co operates, and until then you'll put on the happy face, and so will she, and tell yourselves you have overcome the worst.

Listen to me carefully, take your cheating wife, and get some very professional counseling for you both. Do the real work of talking, crying, and being mad, and get the poison out now, and not let it fester, and show up again later even worse. Dating, and being kissy face, will not cut it, long term, and whether you know it or not, there is a greater issue to be dealt with besides simple adultery, as the real issue was she actively pursued this cheating rather than work with you. Dates, and being nice, and polite, won't change her selfish UNCARING WAYS, but only hide them at the back of the closet.

Get some help, and dig deeper, get the truth, and deal with it. That is, if you both care enough for each other, to help each other.

Even in confronting her, you were not honest, and she didn't have to be. Not a good sign, and I think you would be better served with being guided through the process of brutal honesty and awareness. Sorry you may think me harsh, but I think its necessary. Good Luck!! You'll need it!!