Ask Me Help Desk - Looking for advice

Do you know how we can be so certain? Because we all have been 16 once and we all have had first loves. It's a part of growing up. It's good to date a few people as it allows you to discover yourself along the way and it teaches you what you require in a lifelong mate. You cannot possibly know this at 16. If he is pressuring you then that is a problem. No one should pressure you especially since you are only 16 years old.

Don't worry about his ongoing story about supporting his family, that should have no bearing on your relationship - that's yet another red flag if you ask me.

Make your decision based on YOUR happiness in life, not another's.

So NeedKarma have you ever been in love? [sorry if this is too personal] its just how do you know that that is love?
I do definitely feel overwhelmed by such a commitment at such a young age but what should I say too him? What would you do in my situation? You mention "red flags" but what do you suggest would constitute that in our relationship?

Have I ever been in love? Absolutely, many times. I wasn't ready for marriage though until later in life - I got married at 36. Before I got married I met people from all over the world, travelled to about 12 different countries, did a variety of different jobs. Now I'm comfortable with who I am and who I'm with and I absolutely LOVE being a dad to my two young children.

I think I have said enough about my opinions, why don't you talk to your parents?

NeedKarmaI am really happy for you! Thank you for all of the great advice you have given me you have been a wonderful source of support!. but I daren't breach the subject with my parents

Keeping him in the country is not a very good reason to marry someone,He should be getting his act together with immigration, his problem, not yours.That he would marry you to stay here is a red flag. He benefits by taking the easy way out.This is not an indication of love but it is self serving on his part. There are many stories of people marrying to stay in country this is a very old scam.It seldom works out.:cool:

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Originally Posted by *Judith*

NeedKarmaI am really happy for you! Thankyou for all of the great advice you have given me you have been a wonderful source of support!...but i daren't breach the subject with my parents

Thank you and you are very welcome.
I'm sorry to hear that you can't tell your parents everything. I hope that this situation changes for you.

talaniman he always wanted to marry me before the troubles with immigration, but it has only become a realistic option recently and so I don't think it is a scam as such. However, do you have any information on why "it seldom works out"?

NeedKarma thank you once again

Because in a scam some benefits and some don't. People can be very sweet when they are trying to get over on someone but as soon as they do then their true feelings come out and they change which changes the relationship and with no love to sustain it ,it quickly falls apart. There are some desperate heartless people out there waiting to prey on the weak or the lonely or the ones who just don't know about the hidden motives of people.As I said marriage is not a realistic way to solve immagration problems!:cool:

talaniman I have known my boyfriend for several years a long time before his immigration problems and so I don't think that he is "preying on me if that is what you are suggesting. I would not for one moment suggest that he is in any way manipulative, devious or coniving. And I feel that there is love in our relationship.

I truly hope your love can carry you through.the best of luck whatever you decide.:cool: :)

I think at the age of 16, marriage should be the last thing on your mind. When I think about who I was "in love" with from that age to my early 20's, it would have been a hopeless situation if I married any of them. Trust me when I say you are at no age to be making these longterm decisions in your life. Immigration puts a whole new factor in the relationship because then motives are questioned too. If he's on deportation status, a marriage to a US citizen may not be easy to stay as it sounds. I've known those to marry US citizens and still have to go back to their country. Are u muslim too? Muslim marriages last because of social and religious pressure - not because they are necessarily happy and in love.

Skinwhite: No I am not a Muslim

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Muslim marriages last because of social and religious pressure

but I do feel that this is a gross generalisation as I have many Muslim friends of which some are happily married and very much in love. However I think it could be very helpful if you could elaborate on this at all:

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I've known those to marry US citizens and still have to go back to their country

[despite my being British lol]

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Originally Posted by *Judith

i do feel that this is a gross generalisation as I have many Muslim friends of which some are happily married and very much in love.

Actually, the generalisation was made on your part stating muslim marriages last longer when they marry young- I was just stating why this is probably so compared to let's say the British(who have the highest divorce rate in the world), or Westerners where divorce rate is higher than the East.

You really should consult with an immigration lawyer about all the details, because I don't know anymore to elaborate on what I hear casually about immigration issues between people married or wanting to get married.

I do know that 16 is much too young to have any of these issues on your plate. And I do know that every 16 yr old will think their case is different and it is really love. If you research it, I'm sure you'll find that many that married so young regretted it later.

SkinWhite; Just to clarify Muslim countries DO have some of the lowest divorce rates, I am not aware of the average age of marriage and so I cannot say that young Muslim marriages are the cause for this. However, thank you for your advice, I will look into the legislation on the issue etc But if you [or anyone else for that matter] can tell me what would be best to say to him if I do decide not to go ahead?

I can tell you being from a different culture/religion myself that I am well aware of muslim cultures, traditions and upbringings. For the most part, in these countries kids are raised differently than western worlds. Religion and family come first, education second, and own happiness is considered a selfish desire. So what many people feel or think is not a factor in marriage necessarily, but rather a luxury. Divorce is just not an option. Of course, generations are changing and it is happening more than in the past - but generally speaking, divorce is not tolerated, supported or accepted. If you are not muslim, then this is another factor that at 16 is a big thing to be considered that you are not prepared for. It's a whole other way of life and beliefs. Also, young men always think religion doesn't matter until they get older and have kids then suddenly become more spiritual. Muslims believe all other religions are infidels, so if you do not convert(no matter what he says now at the young age of 21) - you better believe it will be a huge issue down the road.

As far as what you should tell your boyfriend, you care about him deeply but much too young to make a life long commitment or even consider one. You wish him the best of luck with immigration purposes, and will help in supporting him through it, but he will have to look at other avenues such as jobs/skills, other sponsors.

I didn't realize there were previous pages on here and had read some of the situation before I replied. I read somewhere you were British? Are you in the US or UK? I apologize if you have already answered this but I have not read all the thread. Never mind just read the entire thread - so you are in Britain. Don't know much about their laws. From reading your posts, it seems like you are afraid and guilt ridden to break off the relationship. You wrote "he" not "we" will be devastated and the fact he has to support his family. This is a tough situation for him and maybe he should be on askmehelp in another section on how to achieve his goals - but it's not YOUR problem at such a young age. Relationships are so tough without even a quarter of your factors that are involved. Like another poster said there is nothing but Red Flags in this relationship. March 6th is around the corner, will be interested in what happens.

Again, you need to tell him the truth - you are much too young to be making such big decisions in your life. It will be very interesting to see his true nature when things are not agreeable or going to his plan. Will he be understanding or will you see another side you didn't know existed? I think you are afraid of the latter.

Just throwing in my 2 cents. I am very sorry your young man is having issues with immigration. I do realize you were together before the problems started and you feel your in love.

I met a guy who was about 20 when I was 17. He was everything I ever dreamed of in a guy. I ADORED him. His smile, his laugh, I was so proud just to walk into a room with him because of who he was to me. He was good to his parents and worked hard even though he had a wild side with his friends I never thought it would be a problem. When we got married I cried I was so happy and just soooo sure of our chances of making it.

Then we had 2 kids and I matured into a woman, I am positive some light went on inside of me when I turned about 22 or so. I starting seeing him for who he really was and not just what my young heart saw all those years ago. He went on to fall for a girl who worked with him and proceeded to make my life harder than I ever dreamed possible. (won't go into detail since I did that in my child custody thread).

Today I am 30 and engaged to a 33 year old guy. We have been together a little over 1.5 years. I hope to marry him before this year is out but I am not pushing the issue right now even though it might help me legally with my custody battles. If there is one thing I learned the hard way its not to rush into things. Love as an adult woman is sooo different than what I had at the greatest time in my first marriage. What I wanted in a guy then and what I have come to find I want as an adult woman who has lived some is completely different. The two of them couldn't be more different guys. I wish I wasn't in such a dang hurry to grow up, it wasn't anything like I thought it would be.

For yourself, for your future please please wait. I wish I could say that to you a hundred times I swear you will wish you did. The love you will find once you come into your own as a woman is like nothing you will find in the next few years. I know there are exceptions heck my grandparents married when she was 14 and he was 19. They were married for 52 years before she passed away. BUT they still had a great deal of issues that might not have happened if they had waited until they had grown up and experienced more of life before becoming married.

As for what you tell him here is what I would say if I could go back and look into my ex's gorgeous brown eyes that used to make my heart pool at my feet. I love you more than any man I have yet to meet in a romantic way, I hope we can continue to get to know each other. BUT I have done a lot of thinking and I have decided my future is precious and it is worth waiting until I am ready for it. I love my future children and I can't think of another guy I would want to have them with other than you BUT I know I also love them enough to wait until I have the life experience it will take to be the best mother to them that I can be. I want to be there for you and help you in your time of need but I can't make you promises that might keep me from making my dreams for my future from coming true. If you love me enough to marry me and we are truly meant to be together then you will be there when I am ready to become a wife. You will want me to have had the opportunity to enjoy my young adulthood, explore my interests, and meet my educational goals. You will want me to come to you as a secure woman who knows without a doubt she is ready to commit to you. Not a young lady who is just finding her adult steps in this world. It is not that I do not love you, it is that I love myself enough not to risk never living up to my full potential.

Just give my advice some thought, it would save you thousands of tears later on if it turned out anything like mine did.

Wow Scaredgal, sorry you had to go through all that. But by sharing your experience, I hope that Judith can see what everyone has been saying happened indeed with you. Your whole outlook on life is different when you are 16 and when you are in your mid 20's. Our grandparents lived in a different world than we do now. I think your suggestion was very heartfelt and Judith will be able to connect with it. Wish you the strength, Judith, to do what you know deep down inside is the right thing to do.

You are only 16 years old. He's 21. Being that you are so young, the age difference is too big. Now, if you were 30 and he were 35, and there were no issues regarding his immigration, that's different, you are both mature adults at that point and there is no emotional push to make you do it. Let him go back and work at getting himself back to the country legally. Your feelings for this man are not going to be enough to hold your marriage together. The difference in religions is also VERY important in choosing a spouse. Right now you're okay with the difference, he's not "pressuring" you to change. What will happen when you have children? Will he pressure the change then? Will you become a family divided over religion and beliefs? If your parents would not approve, give them some credit for their experience and love for you and listen to them.

I understand that you believe that muslims have a lower divorce rate because of social and religious pressure, but does that mean that they are successful marriages or are they still married just to save face? Do they stay married regardless of abuse, addiction or adultery because divorce is shameful??

Please don't jump into something that cannot be fixed by a simple divorce. The divorce won't make you forget the heartbreak or things you had to go through in a bad marriage.

Judith -

I know its hard to listen to people say that at your age you cannot make this kind of decision fully understanding the consequences. My mother was 16 and my father was 17 when they were married because my mother was pregnant with me. My mother will never regret what she did. The sad truth is that at such a young age, you still have some time before you really know yourself. That does not mean you are lost. It does not mean you don't know love. I believe you do know a form of love that is intense, exciting, and meaningful.

I began dating a girl when I was 16. We dated through 2 years high school, 4 years of college, one year med school. I was certain we'd marry. I was in love and so was she. Luckily we didn't marry. We were great for each other during that time. It was unbelievable. But what we wanted at 16 and 18 and 20 was not necessarily what we wanted at 24 or 26 or 30.

I can tell you my relationship with her was so unique... there was a connection that we shared that I've never had in any other relationship. Yet I am grateful that we didn't make that mistake so early in life.

I honestly don't think most people really find themselves and what they want until at least their mid 20's. And even then, its just the beginning of a life long discovery.

So I would say to you... support him in every way you can. But the fact you are writing here is proof that you are not comfortable with this situation. You feel an obligation... that is understandable. But please, please, please... don't marry for this reason.

You may love him but this is not a problem you created. You are NOT obligated to marry him. Period. If he cannot respect the fact that you are not ready for marriage, then that is another reason for you not to marry him.

I'm sad that you have to bear such a burden at this young age. You have some wonderful years in front of you. Maybe they will be with him. But do not marry under these circumstances.

You should also tell him that you are not comfortable at this time with the idea of marriage. If he understands, then I would say maybe there is a future down the line someplace. If he does not, then he is more interested in himself than he is in the truth of a marriage.