It's official... I'm officially not a good person, I'm so messed up I don't even know what to do. I met another man... had sex with him. Slept with my first 'lover' the next day. I just got home from meeting a guy I don't even know his name... had sex with him. I feel hopeless, worthless and aweful and don't know why I'm doing this. Why am I wrecking my life?

Maybe you should go to a sex therapist for people who have your type of problem.

You need to seek counseling and fast! You also need to tell your husband. What you are doing is not fair to him or your family at all.

You are having sex with random strangers - are you protecting yourself? I would also plan on getting tested for any STD's you may have picked up and could possibly transmit to your husband.

My boyfriend's mother cheated on his father when my boyfriend was in his early teens. (Not to mention that his mother was cheating with his best friend's father). My boyfriend is now 25 and is insanely jealous with trust issues.

My point - if you keep cheating, you will seriously ruin the lives of those in your family - and your "lover's" family.

If you don't want to be with your husband anymore, then divorce him.
If you do want to be with him - STOP CHEATING.

I have to wonder how you could even live with the guilt of knowing that you have been sleeping around behind your husband's back. It's not like you're dating the man... you're MARRIED.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, or rude... but think about the pain you're causing - even if he doesn't "know" that you're cheating, I'm sure he can sense that something is not right.

Do you remember your wedding vows? They say it all. And you spoke them .

Now it is time to stick to them and stop the cheating.

The person your are demeaning is yourself. Please both you and your partner are busy trashing two marriage. Yours and His.

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Originally Posted by BetterThanThis

it's official ... i'm officially not a good person, i'm so messed up i don't even know what to do. i met another man ... had sex with him. slept with my first 'lover' the next day. i just got home from meeting a guy i don't even know his name ... had sex with him. i feel hopeless, worthless and aweful and don't know why i'm doing this. why am i wrecking my life?

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BetterThanThis, I love your user name. I bet if you keep saying and believing "I am Better than this" you will solve at least 80% of your problems. Before reading the above quoted post, I had a different POV, however, I am now baffled. Obviously, there is a deep rooted issue somewhere.

I just have to ask these questions:

1.) What made you go to the other man while still being involved with the first married man?

2.) What type of agreement did you have with the other man and how was the sex?

3.) How did you feel after sleeping with your first lover?

4.) What led you to meet the nameless man and how was the sex?

5.) Finally, with this sex-capade, are you still having sex with your husband?

If I can't think of anything else to say, just know that "YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS", and you already know it!

Michelle

... but most of all... HOW WAS THE SEX!!
:p :p :p :p :p :p
(ignore me)

To the people who tell me how wrong I am, that I took vows, I should just stop cheating... I KNOW! God, I know. Something's just not right inside my head right now... the advise to just stop is probably enough reason for you... but when you are confused like I am... it just doesn't help me.

Michele... your sweet inspirational words are so welcome to me in my desperate state... THANK YOU! I will answer your questions:

1. I went to the 'other' man because I was not achieving the intimacy I desired with the first man I am/was sleeping with. It didn't happen with the 'other' man either.
2. The agreement with the second man was to try to find this 'intimacy' that I lack in my life... the sex was nice, but mediocre.
3. I felt great after sleeping with my first lover because I knew what to expect; great sex, no intimacy.
4. The sex with the nameless partner was aweful, degrading, humiliating... I met him after reading the Sex Addicts Annonymous website. I failed all the 'sexual addiction' tests and found a label for myself... it was wrong... I now sincerely don't believe that I am 'not in control' of my sexual decisions. It was simply another excuse to act innappropriately.
5. I am still having sex with my husband. Mostly as a method in not to be discovered as a cheating wife. I feel little sexual attraction to him.

I am in a the process of reading some more info on sexual addiction (I drink too much too) and think it may be more appropriate for me. Honesty is put to the forefront... dealing with the here and the now. I have a lack of intimacy between myself and my husband. I'm trying to fulfill that need by sleeping with other men. It's stupid, it's not working... I think I could get that back with my husband if I were willing to be honest with him about what I am doing, what I have done. I really don't know what to do here.

Gosh, I'm not an unreasonable person, I'm just acting like it. I never rely on anyone for anything.

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

...but most of all....HOW WAS THE SEX!?!?
:p :p :p :p :p :p
(ignore me)

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If this is just a joke to you... just move on and anwswer other people's questions.

Betterthanthis. I don't know what to tell you because my gut is telling me to give you the full blown guilt trip, but you've already gotten that, and obviously it's not helping.

I don't know what to tell you, you already know that what you are doing is wrong. You are hurting your husband, another women and yourself, you're children can be hurt, you're entire family can fall apart because of your actions.

You say that you use protection, well no protection is 100%, what if you get pregnant, or worse, get an STD and pass it on to your unsuspecting husband? Don't say it isn't possible, because it is.

None of us can tell you what to do, we can give you advice, we can pass judgement, but in the end, it's up to you, only you can control your actions.

So, what's it going to be? Is sex more important than your family? Is sexual pleasure going to take precedence over your kids and a man that obviously loves you? If you don't have a problem, then why are you still doing this? Does your husband have a right to know? Does he have the right to decide what he wants in his life? You are making all the decisions, based on what you want, what about what he wants, and what your kids want?

Therapy is definitely in order, and it's time to fess up to hubby and let him help you or leave you and move on. It's not all about you, and if that's what you want, then set hubby free, he doesn't deserve this. Does he?

I know, a bit of judgement there, but I really think you need to hear it.

I wish you luck and happiness.

I still say you have a sexual obsession, addiction or something that needs dealt with through counseling. All the words in the world will not help until you get therapy to get to the root of it.

I did not mean for you to look back to your and just stop. I mean for you to take a long hard memory walk backwards to the days when your marriage was new.

Somehow, you need to draw strength from your vows and stop the bad behavior.You can do it. And no it is not going to be easy, but it does need to stop. You know this behavior is wrong yet you choose to continue. Now I would like you to chose to stop, because stopping is the correct action to take.

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Originally Posted by BetterThanThis

if this is just a joke to you ... just move on and anwswer other people's questions.

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Yeah, I did find the sex queries oddly amusing amidst this whole situation. I keep my humor about me, so I'm sorry if I offended you with my little fun poke at Michelle.

It's just nothing has changed from anything I/we have said all along. Querying about the sex I found a little funny until I read your answers. Now I think maybe Michelle was onto something there. We'll see.

Meanwhile, I think I have WAY more confidence in your abilities to sort this out properly than you do. I completely dismiss your helplessness.

Go back and read my original response. You don't need anyone here to tell you why you're doing these things, you're doing it because you think your sex drive is the most important driving force in your life right now.

OK, if that's true, then what do you want us to tell you? We're not going to support you in this dangerous, selfishness. You're not only risking your life, you're now risking your husband's... if you keep this up and give your husband AIDS, that's tantamount to murder in my book.

But at least you're getting sex. You are absolutely right. This isn't funny at all. The only person who can stop you is you. The only person who can safeguard your loving husband is you. Every time you climb into bed with him after sleeping with someone else you're playing russian roulette with HIS life.

You promised to love him and protect him above all else. Now it's you he needs protection from. Are you going to keep this up? Are you? Then you need to consider RIGHT NOW loving your husband enough to cut him off completely, at least until you come clean about all the other sexual partners you're having. At least then he's deciding if he wants to take the risk.

Ok, my husband is away with the kids for the weekend. I am spending the entire weekend writing him a letter with the truth about my secret life of lies and infidelity. I've already started. I'm giving him the dignity to choose to get 'us' back or to divorce me. It's his choice, but I'll do anything re-gain his trust. I'm so sick at how much this is going to hurt him. God, I'm falling apart here, can't stop crying. I wish I could just 'fix' me and spare him the pain. Am I doing the right thing? I feel selfish at the sense of relief I feel in not living this lie anymore. I hate that! I know I don't deserve it. He's going to be so shocked and crushed...

I'm not looking for any sympathy from anyone, but don't bash me, I'm remorseful and I want to be better. Even if he chooses to leave me, I want to be better.

I think it's the right thing to do. Will he be hurt, of course, will he be shocked, you betcha, will he leave, he might, but he deserves to know.

What you have to do now is get to the root of your problems, find out why you are doing this. You need to go to therapy, and if your husband decides to stay then he needs to be a part of this therapy and seek therapy for himself. Either way, you have to find someone who can help you understand why you are doing these things and find a way to stop.

It's brave to do this, very brave. You can fix your future, you can't go back and fix the past. No matter what, move forward, find help.

I don't know if a letter is the way to go, but I understand that it might be hard to sit down and tell him face to face. You do need to stress that you feel remorse, that you want help, that you don't know why and that you do love him. Give him all the information, this doesn't have to be the end of your marriage, it could be a whole new beginning, for both of you.

I do wish you luck, I hope you find the help you need.

BTT =

Please write as much detail as you can. The burn it and scatter it to the winds.

Under no circumstances should you show it to your husband. He does not need to own your pain along with the information about your infidelity. That is the worst possible thing you can do! All it can possibly do is force embarrassment and misery on him and force him to take an action.

There is no value in doing that. If he ever asks you about infidelity, then you can tell and how much misery it caused you. And how you re-vowed never to let that happen again!

I'm truly torn! Do I tell him or not?!

I've been doing a lot of reading last night and all day today on women's infidelity. I own up to the fact that I've made very wrong, hurtful decisions. I'm seeing things in a different light and I'm ready to work on and dedicate myself to my relationship with my husband. I respect the answers from both Donf and Antenweg... but who's right?

In a way, I think that owning up to the truth and giving my husband the option to stay with me or walk away is the right thing to do. It will give him a new light on who I am and it could make us so much stronger and closer. It will force accountability on my part.

On the other hand, I strongly suspect that he will stay with me (I don't mean to SOUND arrogant about this, but I know him better than you do). I know how hurt he will be, and it will be mostly for my own gain. I think that I could take responsibility for my own actions and make the changes necessary prevent myself from cheating on him again and be able to spare him the heartache. I'm still torn. Please advise.

Well, I'm not sure. I see my side (of course I do, it's my side) and I see Donf's. If you are willing to get the help you need to stop this behavior, willing to change, willing to commit yourself totally and completely to your husband and your marriage, and if you know, absolutely know, that regardless of what you say, he'll stay, then don't tell him. Make the changes necessary to stop what you're doing, if he's just going to get hurt, but still stay, then avoid the hurt and commit to being the person he deserves.

As for accountability, well you've told all of us, and we have held you accountable, so you've faced that, you've suffered through that, now move on, make a fresh start, be the women you want to be. But remember, you can't do it alone, you need to find help, you need to figure out why, and then prevent it from continuing or happening again.

Spare him, fix yourself, and good luck. :)

Have I missed something here!. There is NO way on Gods good earth, that this dear husband of yours, would stay with you if you told him the whole sordid trueth about your sexual habits... lets face it, how could any decent man lay down at night with a woman knowing that she has been having it off with every, Tom, and Harry... ( very sorry if anyone has the same names as I've just stated, it's just a figure of speech where I come from.. sincere apoligies in advance)...

Usually, I would say always tell the truth, but quite frankly it's so disgusting that I simply would not burden my husband or my children with all the nasty details... what do you hope to gain by doing that... nothing, only the fact that it would make you feel a whole lot better getting the guilt off your own chest.

While your having all these sexual encounters, where are the kids? Where do you say you are going? There is only so many times that you can slip down the shop for a pint of milk.

Having read all of the current posts, which basically give the same advice, it seems to me that you are totally selfish and are fully aware of what you are doing and what the consequences will be should you be found out ( and you will eventually) .

If this sounds harsh, well... IT'S MEAN'T TO BE... Everyone needs to stop footing around you, you seem perfectly together from what I can see, you know what needs to be done, you've admitted that, or is it that your liking all the attention that your receiving on the board!

If your serious about doing something about this situation, stop posting on this board that your going to do something, pick up the phone RIGHT NOW and make an appointment to see your GP who will be the link to all support services that you will need.