Ask Me Help Desk - Am I doomed?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You can't afford counseling, or you "can't not afford" it?

I'm guessing, because of your next sentence, you don't think you can afford counseling. Actually, you can and, in fact, it might be the best investment you ever make! Counselors, both at an agency and through the county or township, have sliding scales based on your income. You don't have to promise to be counseled for the rest of your life. A half dozen or so sessions with or without your wife should clarify things and provide you with some goals to work on.

Like the others have said, and as I said earlier, there's more going on here than her unwillingness to be intimate.

No really, I don't have the money. I am stretched out to the max on finances and have no credit.

Why did everybody jump all over this guy right out of the gate? He has a legitimate concern about his marriage and came to the board looking for insight and advice. It sounds as though several people assumed he was being demanding or insensitive. It is possible to be sensitive to his wife's condition and still concerned about the lack of intimacy and/or sex. Especially considering the comment that he wondered if she was satisfying herself elsewhere, which would indicate that she isn't disinterested in sex but rather disinterested in sex with HIM.

In the end, it might be that he is a jerk and that the marital problems causing the lack of interest are all his fault. But I think it was unfair to make those assumptions right out of the gate.

Buster, there are plenty of people who offer free counseling. You should find one. Like others have said, there is almost always a deeper underlying reason for lack of sex. Frankly, though, hormones can turn a woman into a whole other person and she may not be open to the prospect of counseling in addition to the other pressures she is facing right now. You mention that you can't afford counseling so I'm going to add financial stress to the list of possible things that have her on edge.

If she is near the end of the pregnancy it might be better to wait until afterwards to give some time for the stress of the pregnancy to pass and the hormones to get back in sync before mentioning counseling. I hate writing that, as marital problems are something I normally say address immediately, but counseling doesn't work unless you have two willing parties so you'll have to gauge for yourself whether she might be open to it or whether it might be best delayed for just a little while. But DON'T SKIP IT. There will never be a *perfect* time for counseling. After the birth she may be dealing with postpartum depression, you will both be up all night caring for the baby, the financial issues will still be there... it won't be a walk in the park then either. But if her hormones truly have her that on edge at least one barrier might be removed by then.

Also, take a moment to think about it and make sure that she really is flying off the handle unreasonably... it is awfully easy to blame hormones.

George,

A point of clarification. My concern was not the issue of sex. My concern was his disregard of her physical condition because of his wanting sex.

As to her anger level, not knowing how often Buster makes demands on his wife, its real hard to determine why her anger level flares so hot. It could be nothing more than her frustation at trying to get it across to Buster that she is pregnant and wants to be left alone sexually. Add to that the number of times that she is asked, the level climbs.

I do agree with you that if her current behavior is the same as her behavior before the pregnancy, then some type of anger counseling would be indicated. My presumption is that the anger is situational and brought on by the frustations incumbent with being pregnant.

Quote:

Originally Posted by buster1104

:confused: It has now almost been six months since my wife has had any sexual interest in me. This is not quite as bad as the 9 month bout I went through last time. Bare in mind that she is preggo.... I am trying to me patient but I am feeling like a roommate or maybe she is satisfying herself elsewhere.... Any suggestions on where I might be going wrong? I can not even talk to her about it otherwise she will fly off the handle.:confused:

Hello,

There is no answer EXCEPT to talk to her about it. If you can't talk about sex, you can't have a healthy sexual relationship, and if you don't have that, you don't have a healthy relationship at all. It sounds like she has some very strong feelings about the whole issue, but you can't know what they are if she won't talk to you. Tell her you just want to KNOW how she feels, not CHANGE IT. Then you can decide what to do from there. These are YOUR questions to answer:

If she won't talk about this, do you still want to be married to her?

If by some chance she DOES decide she never wants to have sex again, do you still want to be married to her?

What about if she doesn't know when or IF she'll ever want it again?

THAT is the only part YOU can control... what YOU do in response to her decision. Nine months without sex indicates some serious issues, but again, you can't know what those are unless you talk about them. She may not even know what's really going on with her. All you can do is talk, then decide what to do with what you do or do not find out.

Namaste,

Satina

As a partner to a pregnant female, don't ask for sex, when she wants it then fine, but realising her condition, your job is to do what it takes to lesson stress, not add. No teling how she feels, but for sure your needs are second to hers, and you better act like it, because you don't know her moods, nor can you control them. She can go off on peanut butter, so know its not personal, and do what you can. Tripping over your own needs, and even talking about it can wait. What happen before can wait. Everything is on hold right now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Want a woman's point of view, or have you guys figured this out already?

When we are pregnant, we feel fat, we look fat, we have swollen ankles, we don't want to eat, we do want to eat, it's hard to find a comfortable position, the baby kicks or squeezes our bladder a lot, and our hormones are all over the place.

Even so, if she's avoiding sex, there may be something bigger than that going on in the relationship. You've told us how she's doing as a wife, buster. How are you doing as a husband? And what was going on during the nine-month sex break before this?

I agree with this completely! I never wanted to have sex when I was pregnant. I still don't want to very much because its all how you go about it. My husband will just say "Hey you wanna do it" Hahahaha yeah that really puts me in the mood. How are you going about it and how are things other than your sex life?

There are some women (and men) that have low sex drives. She may "blow up" because she feels like something is wrong with her. She knows that this is not "normal" and doesn't know how to react. There are people out there that feel like if you aren't getting "any" several times a week you aren't normal. If she has gone 6 months, she may know that this isn't healthy but just doesn't know how to change it.
I mean, if you aren't in the mood, you aren't in the mood. There was a time in my life that I truly felt that if I never had sex again, I would be fine. My husband on the other hand didn't feel the same. :) So, as you can imagine, it caused problems. I hated myself for not being a satisfying wife. I knew I was not normal. I went so far as to go to my doctor and have a talk about it. (it was embarassing) I also started taking a supplement that was made to help. And it actually did. But, my problem at first was I just had no DESIRE for sex. AT ALL!
Now, that has changed. But with the support of my husband and really researching what was going on and FINDING out what can be done - we worked through it. There have been bumps along the way, but you aren't doomed to be in a sexless marriage forever.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NowWhat

low sex drives

And she's pregnant too, don't forget!

Buster, are you involved in picking out nursery stuff, like the crib and the crib sheets and the waterproof pads and the disposal diapers? Have you helped with redecorating? Have you read together with her books and magazine articles on how to welcome a newborn and about problems that might occur during the first weeks with the baby and with you two as a couple (like, who gets up at to a.m. when the baby cries)? Have you begun to work out a schedule so she won't be the only one responsible for baby care, that you will take the evening shift while she takes a nap or relaxes and doesn't have to jump up when the baby whimpers? And that you will be the one responsible for weekends so she can get some sleep? Will she get time off to shop, like when my husband gave me Monday evenings off just so I could mallcrawl alone or with a friend and stop at a coffeeshop for a treat while you stayed home with the baby? Do you bring her tea and toast in bed on weekend mornings, to treat her like a princess-in-waiting? Do you give her an occasional backrub or shoulder rub or foot rub? Do you treat her like a precious jewel that has been given into your special care?

If you say yes to all those questions, then I have a few for her.

If you trip out this way just from not having sex while she is pregnant, what would you do if it was a life changing illness and KNEW, there would be no more sex?

The difference between night and day: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...al-167022.html