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I don't care what dr phil says, he will have some kind of relationship with her. She is not the donor, she is that child's mother. If the child gets sick, he will have to have dealings with her, when it comes to choosing a school he will have dealings with her. Who is going to pick the child up and take him/her back home? This is all easier said than done. There is about to be two extra people in your life. Can you handle it?
You know there is a lot of talk about the child. Like it's a dog. The child didn't ask to be brought into the world this way.
And do you know realize that with seting all these limitations on making sure they leave some "firsts" for you - you are setting yourself up for your partners to resent you. Bottom line is this, no matter what, this is HIS first child. You are asking him to give up all these things with HIS FIRST so you can feel better. He is going to resent you.
The situation stinks. But, what you are going to end up doing is driving a wedge between the two of you.
Either you deal with this and move forward or move on.
It is not the fault of the child - he/she did not pick it's parents.
Its not like a dog at all, and your right it did not ask to be brought into this world and I did not ask for my husband to cheat and produce this child, ironically the child and I are in the same boat. Its not that I am limiting he is going to have all the firsts in the world with that child, I am just asking him to save some for us, as of right now we don't even now if it is his, my luck it will be! As he said to me there are firsts with every child... now who needs to open there eyes... there is some things that do need to cherished between me and him and not them! That is wrong if we stay together he needs to realize that. And if he resents me... well then now he nows how I feel since his sins he has done, its almost what comes around goes around, I don't want that to sound nasty but really there has to be something to cherish between the two of us if I sacrifice everything for him!Quote:
Originally Posted by NowWhat
After talking with my counslor she agreed with me on drawing the line on there communication. She said that if she can't understand that and relate to what I am going through there will be issues later on. She needs to realize that the adultery that happened has a major effect on our marriage and she needs to respect the boundaries and support them. And there will be one extra child in my life not her. If the split is 50/50 then there is no need for her to intrude on us and no need for us to intrude on her. There will be joint decisions on discipline, schools and such, but that needs to be worked out between the three of us not the two of them, I will not be tossed aside in the equation. That is not right, because that will effect us when we have a child.Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
Those things you think you giving up because of this child - you aren't.
Do you think he wanted his first child to come into the world this way? I am sure he didn't. But, what's done is done.
IF you two work it out, he will get to experience bringing a child into a loving relationship. Don't devalue that. You think your life is over when it comes to firsts. But it is not.
What you are going through is something I don't think I could do. I think every time I looked at this child, all I would see if the mom and the affair. I know that is not fair to me or more importantly, this child.
Honestly, with the pain and hurt and everything I have already gone through this is nothing new. This time around I did not loose it like I did when he left I was more shocked as I looked at him and said I new you were sleeping with her and I new this would happen! It was almost no surprise to me. What hurts is the long letter he wrote to me before telling me how I was everything he has ever wanted that he lost himself and had a hard time finding himself, so on and so forth and then dropped this... what I have realized with all of this is you never forget the cheating you never forget the hurt and the pain and what has happened. Forgivness is the only thing you can give and try to move forward. Sometimes being the bigger person and showing you can forgive is better than letting hate rule your life. Yes I will always hate her, but I have to forgive him and his mistake which is the child and that means forgiving the fact it is a product of infidelity, because as you have all said it isn't the kids fault. It also takes looking into your heart and realizing sometimes life don't always go as planned and hoped, maybe this is the path god wants you to take in life to be a better person who knows... im still looking for answers!Quote:
Originally Posted by NowWhat
Well, this is a situation that no one can really give you an answer. If there was someone who said, "okay, now this is what you do and this is how you feel." it might make things easier.
But, it doesn't work that way. So you have to search your heart. Only you know if you this is something that you can get past. If you can and still have a healthy, sane relationship - then good for you. But, if you don't think you can lay down this anger and hurt - well... what next?
She had unprotected sex with your husband and is now pregnant, I'm sure she is going to be understanging of boundaries.Quote:
Originally Posted by feelinhopeless
I wish you the best.
Well if you're looking to follow a path God sets, hating this child's mother isn't part of it. You can't follow his path and step only on the stones you want to step on. You cannot hate the mother and love that child. You can't forgive your husband and hate the other women, he is more guilty, he broke the vows he made to you.Quote:
Originally Posted by feelinhopeless
You need to either forgive them both or leave him. Your hatred of her is going to spill over into your relationship with your husband and that child.
Homegirl seems to have all of the right answers of the head... just not the heart. It would be great if everything was as cut and dry and you say it in your responses... but it is not. Yes, she should not hate the mother... but it's natural to dislike her, not trust her and resent her. Yes god would like us to forgive and maybe with time that will happen - but not in the beginning. This lady now needs to respect HER. Feelinhopeless, the only thing I can say is that right now- you have him. You know she wants him. I bet she wants to make her "little family" complete, but he is choosing to be with you. You need to sit down and have a honest discussion with him. HONESTLY and BRUTALLY try and talk about it... maybe something's can be figured out. As you know, I am going through the same thing. I have tried to have these convo's with my guy but a lot of times he dosens't want to talk about it cause I know he is just as confused and angry as I am... but the thing is, it eventurally needs to be talked about and WILL be dealt with. My guys baby is due in a few weeks. We just found out the name the mom had picked... just hearing it killed me. I WANT to pick out a name for my child... but only he gets the wonderment of it all... I'm extrmemly scared that I won't be able to handle it all. I love him sooooo much, but I don't know if my heart can handle it. The best thing is try to talk to your man. See if you guys can reach an understanding. It will be a loooonnnng hhhaaarrdd road, but I believe that as long as he is able to put in efforts to, to be considerate about the way you feel and are hurting - even 3 years from now, maybe it will have a chance to work... it he's not though - only more pain may come. I don't think my guy will be able to deal with my hurt. I am more resentful now cause this child is postponing MY life. My guy is putting marriage on hold now and subsequently a family of my own. I am 29. I want to get married and have kids. I love kids, but this whole situation has caused me to look at them a little different as of late. If my guy would whole-heartedly love me and put my needs first (just a proposal!) so that I knew it was worth bearing all of these hurt and adjustment, perhaps I could do it. But with him ALREADY putting me to the side, I just don't know what to do. He says its casuse there SOO much going on now, but isn't that just an excuse?
If you are waiting for the other woman to respect your wishes and understand your feelings - you will be waiting a very long time.
She did not respect you or the vows you took when she slept with your husband. It is not going to happen now.
It is very easy to put all the blame, hurt and anger you are feeling on this woman and not your husband. Believe me I know. If you put all that on her - you won't have to give any responsibility to the one who made the commitment to you. These men need to own their part in all of this. Which in all reality - there part is in the majority. They are the ones that make commitments, promises, etc. Not this other woman.
Headorheart, give your guy some time. He just found out about all of this too. He probably doesn't know his head from a whole in the ground right now. IF you want this to work with him, try and give him the space he needs. It sucks, but he probably just feels totally lost. No excuse, I know, but from what you have posted, he thought this chapter of his life was done and then to get a call like that... He doesn't know what to do.
You are probably right :) Thank you.
Sometimes you have to use your head instead of your heart. I know this hurts, I know feelings are involved, but you need to think rationally. It's hard to do what God wants you to do, but that does not mean it's not the right thing to do, recognize that you need to do it and try.
I would love to see all of this work out for her. She has used her heart before and took him back only to have him step out again and impregnate this woman. Now there is a child involved in the triangle. It's time to use your head. You can still forgive your husband and work on forgiving this woman for you own sanity and peace of mind, but that does not mean you have to put your heart back in the position to be broken again.
It might be a good idea to separate until the dust settles, until this baby is born then maybe you both can see things clearly and know where you stand.
But only you know what you can deal with. I really wish you the best.
You deserve better and you need to find it. If you had kids together it would be a hard decision, but you can get out clean. I think he has always lacked a commitment to you and that is the reason the two of you never had kids together. Find someone who will appreciate your level of devotion.
We never had kids yet because we were to busy building for the future, financially and all. We love to travel and have been everywhere we love our activities from sky diving scuba diving skiing horses and all. We were getting to a point where I could be a at home mom and raise kids the right way.
If he was trying to work things out with you, how did he "slip" and have sex with the other woman? Sounds like he was trying to have his cake and eat it too. Be very weary of him.
as he said, it was before he made his choice that I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, that when it happened we go in an argument in September and that is when he said screw it and slept with her... taking that at face value of course!Quote:
Originally Posted by Inspired
Maybe you should think about how the child will feel when the child grows up. Home video of the birth, and there's no daddy. First few walks video taped, still no daddy. Cheerleading games videotaped, and there's no daddy in the stand to watch. They're playing baseball, homerun but it's not as great because there's no daddy. It's not fair for this child to have his/her father miss out because his girlfriend/wife doesn't want him to be there. You might not know this, but it hurts. It really does. As for me, it makes me resent her so much. I feel like I honestly hate her for that. I didn't have my biological father there to watch me grow up, because his new wife didn't want him there. You shouldn't take him out of the babies life just because of your selfish reasons.
EDIT: While this whole talk about what he is and isn't allowed to do with the child may be you venting because you're upset, it just makes me think that this could be the type of conversation that his new wife had with him. You may resent the situation and that women, but do not bring it out on the child. The child is a human being, not a doll and not a dog. The baby didn't ask to be brought in this world, and s/he should be treated with respect and love.
You have it all wrong... I AM HIS WIFE... and he has never been married to another person. This was a fling... and I am not aking him to not be part of the child's life what so ever. I want him to be, but as counslors have said that there should be no bonding time between the three of them because that is giving the child false pretence that they are a family when in deed we (he and I) would be the family. There needs to be lines drawn for our marriage to heal and grow in a positive direction not a negative one and those boundaries need to be set up so the child also knows what a real family is. He does not want to be with her at all for numerouse reasons. He and I need to raise the child together and not the other woman in the picture, she will always be mom and have 50 percent custody but we will be the other parents with 50 custody. As for the videos and such... if he isn't living with her he isn't going to be in the videos simple as that he is a part time parent because he does not want to be with her. As for school life and such I will make sure he is there but it is not going to be in the pretence of the other woman child and daddy... that is just wrong and is not rightQuote:
Originally Posted by uhhleesha
This child's family will consist of his mother, his father and his step mom. Not just you and your husband.Quote:
Originally Posted by feelinhopeless
A real famiy for this child will be, again, His mother, his father and his step mom. Just for the simple fact of how he came into this world.Quote:
There needs to be lines drawn for our marriage to heal and grow in a positive direction not a negative one and those boundaries need to be set up so the child also knows what a real family is.
You may want custody of this child so you don't have to deal with her, but I doubt that will happen. This woman is in your life now, for as long as you are with your husband.Quote:
He and I need to raise the child together and not the other woman in the picture, she will always be mom and have 50 percent custody but we will be the other parents with 50 custody.
It's not right for you and your plans.Quote:
....that is just wrong and is not right
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