Ask Me Help Desk - Husbands female friend

My husband and I were married young - just a year behind you and your husband, We are 31 and 32.
Neither of us have experienced the feelings your husband is going through.
It could be because we had other relations before we got together, but we were young and those relations didn't mean anything. Looking back on them, they were jokes, puppy love, infatuation, or just for fun.
Maybe this is the cause of your husbands problem, he doesn't know that he's not really missing anything because he never experienced it... it's possible.
But it would be a shame if he messes up his marriage and finds out that he wasn't missing anything after all...
Good luck to you underdogg.

Ok just to let you know, I started dating my husband at 19, and we moved out when I was 22. We married when I was 24. I have two kids now, a new house, a new truck, all the toys and gadgets I could want. I just turned 35 in July. I have NEVER cheated on him and I wouldn't ever cheat on him. I stayed home for 10 years while my husband built up his business. WE worked our way up from the bottom and we are doing pretty well. I finally went back to work a year ago. I hadn't been around men or adults for a long time. It was nice to get attention from other people and know I am still attractive. One person I became friends with worked next door. WE got along great. He always had a nice compliment or made good conversation. I felt strangely connected to him and we seemed to have an unspoken attraction. Well, at least on my part. He tried to ask me out, get my number, meet him somewhere. I never did. Back in April, he was going on a fishing trip to the Bahamas and he died in a plane crash. It literally broke my heart. That is how I accidentally found this site, and hence, my shatteredsoul name. I have to tell you, I never once thought I would act anything out with him, but I did enjoy the company. I enjoyed the flirting and even though I never crossed any boundaries with him, I could see that it was headed in that direction. He was young, only 22 and so gorgeous. My ego felt really good about that. I could have gave into him at any time. However, my respect for my husband and our marriage was more important than how he made me feel. Yes, everyone needs attention now and then. Everyone wants to feel attractive and viable. Maybe this is how she makes him feel. HOWEVER, when the relationship isn't appropriate and it is hurtful to the other party in the marriage, it is a dangerous engagement. He has totally risked his marriage by staying close to this woman. IT isn't the friendship that is the problem, it is his NEED to have her in his life, regardless of how you or her husband feels. I think you are dedicated to him and to your marriage, and he feels more trapped than anything. Maybe this is fulfilling something in him because you have been together for so long, but if it was all innocent, why hide it at all? Why did you have to go digging to find out what he ordered or what he did? Why didn't he just tell you if it was NO big deal, and for a friend. I have to say that he was being deceitful because he doesn't want you to see how much she means to him. My husband and I go away with other couples. WE go out of town and even out of the country. HOWEVER, I wouldn't ever pursue a friendship with my friends husband or vice versa, if the other partner wasn't comfortable with that. If my husband continued a friendship with MY girlfriend, after he knew how I felt, I would feel totally betrayed and unimportant in the marriage. That is how this woman's husband felt about your husband. YOu are asking the question and then defending him in the next sentence. If you don't think he is doing anything wrong and that he loves you so much, than why would you have posted the question in the first place? I wasn't trying to make you feel worse, but I know what I didn't give in to, or do, because of my loyalty to my husband. If I was ready to do something with that guy then, I would realize that my marriage might be over and I would address that honestly with my husband. I wouldn't go behind his back and start doing things for another man, until I faced the fact that I need to decide whether I really want this anymore. My friend dying has taken its toll on my marriage. I have spent a lot of nights wondering what if, and all of that. I have mourned and cried over a man I never even kissed and wondered why did he came into my life, and then die. I wondered why he even liked me, what did that mean, and the last day I saw him, he tried so hard to get close to me. I pushed him away. I wondered if that was a mistake and why didn't I say goodbye. I know now, that I didn't do anything because those feelings weren't worth risking my relationship with my husband. WE have worked so hard and I have been faithful all along, I wasn't going to ruin it over a cute guy with a great smile and body, just because he wanted me.. Yes, I did imagine it in my head, after he was dead and gone.
SO, you and your husband are not alone. There are many pitfalls along the way, many choices to make and decisions in regards to staying true in your marriage or not. I personally would not be able to live with myself if I was untrue to my husband. However, I am not perfect and my ego was certainly stroked during the time I knew my friend.
The reason I told you this is because you mentioned how you made him feel like he did something wrong and yet, he says its no big deal to buy her lunch. WEll, if it was a drive through at Mcdonalds, maybe I would believe that. BUT to buy someone's FAVORITE lunch from a restaurant in another STATE, is going beyond appropriate. Yes, he will come home but I would seriously think if he is coming back, its out of obligation, rather than because he truly wants you and only you. IT is scary to think that he would be so dishonest and even unfaithful, maybe to you he hasn't been. However, I don't think he should have any contact with her because it upsets you and her husband, but more because he shouldn't want to. So, only you can teach him how to treat you and show him what you will put up with or won't. Maybe if he had to work a little harder to earn your trust and devotion, he would be more trustworthy and involved in your relationship.
Finally, do not let the monetary things he has done for you determine his love for you. They are just that, material things. A new house, car, diamond ring, or an unlimited bank roll doesn't determine happiness or loyalty in a marriage. I think him giving you a 100% of his time, attention and devotion would mean more to you, than what he has bought or provided you. NOt that him providing isn't a good thing, it just doesn't determine how much he loves you or wants to be with you. Regardless, just be true to yourself and don't sacrifice your happiness or who you are because of your need to be loved by him. Take care...

Quote:

Originally Posted by underdogg

thanks homegirl 50, i am going to counseling next week for myself, I asked him to come to marriage counseling too but at this point he has refused. Maybe when he calms down he will want to try it. but i do have to make myself better too and hopefully that will be a starting point after all marraige is about two people and I feel no one person is all to blame when it is falling apart. and if we end up not together at least i know i tried with everything I had and using all the resources I could.

I think that is good positive thinking. I have been married almost 32 years and I know that around the 7 year 14/15 year make things can creep in. Even the 20/25 year mark. You have to be on guard, trust your spouse, but don't ignore red flags. Good marriages are maintained, they are worked on, all the little tweeks that occur are paid attentioned to and repaired. If you are both willing to try, you can overcome these things. But like you said, even if he won't do it, do it for yourself.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you peace in whatever will come of this.

Ok I agree it is good to think positive. BUT, I have to add one more thing to this.. who the he! Does he think he is? HE refuses counseling and you are going to wait until HE CALMS DOWN?? Calms down from what? That really aggravates me!! Is he one controlling jerk or what? YOU should be the one that needs to be calmed down! He should be the one saying he is ready for counseling. Why does this man feel so self righteous with his behavior? I see no accountability, no remorse or understanding of your feelings WHATSOEVER!! Where the he! Is his conscience? YOu should go to counseling, for YOURSELF and don't be surprised if that counselor tells you in due time, that you are wasting your energy and your life on someone who doesn't care HALF as much as you do about this relationship. I Don't understand why he should be uptight and angry about anything, unless he is just feeling defensive about his inappropriate relationship! I would be tempted to leave until he proves his love and trust for you!@!! It seems you are so patient and understanding and trustworthy, but HE HAS TO EARN THAT NOW!! HE broke your trust and HE is upset? Totally not OK!! YOu should be the one who is upset and feeling justified by your anger. What happens is only your business but GEEZ, if you were my friend, I would tell you to kick a$$ and take names! Gosh did I just say that? I don't mean to sound so cruel, I don't mean that literally. I just hope you are able to stand up for yourself, if you don't who will?? Good luck with the counseling, at least you are smart enough to get the help you need to deal with this..

All emotions aside, your husband is only guilty of not sharing his thoughts and actions with you first. I have many female friends from before my marriage, and have learned not to arbitrarily do anything behind my wife's back. If its so innocent why should I? Even the lunch for this females birthday should have been done with your knowledge and blessing, and you would probably feel different about there friendship. This is what you must get him to understand, that you must be included in his life on all levels. Its not that she is a friend, plutonic as it may be, its he doesn't share that part of himself with you. There is a right way to go about things, and a wrong way, and he has done it the way that causes conflict and hurt feelings, and that is the wrong way, and he must understand that. The counseling, I think will help you communicate this to your husband in a loving, non-judgemental way will go far to let him see, that he could do things in a better way for all. I don't think her husbands attitude helped things either, but that's his problem, and hers. Good luck talking and listening to each other.

My husband is home, and we talked and cried a lot. He said that the feelings he has for this women are the feelings he should have for me. He has felt like this all along,he was staying here because it was the right thing to do,take care of me and the kids and that he loves me deeply. He said there isn't anything wrong with me and he knows he should feel this way and has tried to but it isn't there. When he comes home it is comfortable not because I am the person he can't wait to see. I love him and this hurts so bad he's my best friend and he can't even help me. This pain is unbearable and I can't make it go away all I can do is cry. The thought of waking up and not seeing his face or having his touch anymore is crushing me inside.its hard for me to believe that evey touch, kiss and moment we shared was just made up.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Keep up with your counseling you will need it. At least now you know where is head is, and he still may do the counseling thing too. All is not yet lost.
I wish you peace and strength

I am so sorry, but at least you finally know, and don't have to question anymore. Perhaps its not too late, and you can both find the love with each other again. So often we get caught up in our lives as parents, and we start to neglect our lives as husband and wife... perhaps with extra work and effort, you can both find why you fell in love in the first place. Or perhaps its time to go separate ways... if this is the case, I know it will be so hard for you... but perhaps the time apart with help him remember how much he needs you... but if not, maybe you'll still be able to be friends, and don't forget the four beautiful blessings of children you have had together.I wish you the best of luck, and we are always here if you need to talk. I hope everything works out for the best for you all.

There is an excellent book entitled, Emotional Infidelity, written by Gary Neuman that helped me with the same issue. Basically the author counsels couples to isolate themselves from outsiders that drain energy from their marriage. Having an opposite sex confidante should not be allowed or tolerated for either husband or wife. After I read this book I no longer felt uncomfortable in telling my spouse how I felt.

I am new on here just found this sight a few days ago... I am in the similar situation as shattered soul... I have very deep emotional feelings for my husbands best friend who just recently moved another state away... it gets in the way of my marriage and I am trying desperately to get past this... But it is possible... The thing is I would never divorce my husband... I love him and I know he loves me we are very honest with each other and I have told him about his best friend... Even though right now I am living in this fantasy world and crazy infatuation... I know I will still come back to home base. My husband is my foundation... and maybe there is something that your husband is missing from your relationship that he is getting from the other woman... I am in no way saying that's a good thing and that shouldn't happen at all... What I am trying to say is, that is what led me to start emotionally fall in love with my husbands best friend... His best friend started to give me more attention, more passionate, more sexual appeal, but it isn't true love, because in the end my husband completes me. He is honestly like the other half of me. In the end I know who I truly love. I love my husband and I will do whatever it takes to stay together... All I am saying, is I think that your husband truly loves you he just might be having some issues that he is afraid to speak to you about or feelings. It is very possible and easy to get attached to someone else while you are married. If you put trust into your husband by letting him know you will always be there no matter what he will tell you what's really going on. Then after he admits it ,if there is feelings for this other woman, then you will know and you will be able to find a solution. Honestly if he does have feelings for her the best thing for him to do is to stay away from her and loose connection for a while... not forever and time will heal the heart and he will realize that he didn't truly love her. I know he loves you as I do my husband the key is to get him to tell you what he really thinks. I think you need to spend some time with your husband, explain to him that you wouldn't be upset if you found out it was true, that you need to know because this is your life, your family, your future, and I am sure you know of all the bumps and patches in the road you have been married for 14 years and have kids... You will get through this... I love my husbands best friend... but I love my husband and if not seeing his best friend for a while will help me I will do it. You just need to be very open with him and talk about it. If you really are frustrated with all of this and really do think it's getting serious... tell him that it's either you or the woman he works with. If my husband asked me that I would stay with him, even if it meant never talking to his best friend ever again... I would do that because I love him more than anyone or thing could ever imagine. It is possible in a marriage especially after years of marriage to get distracted along the way but if you two stick this out you will be much stronger in the end... Don't give up fighting... Time heals the heart...

Quote:

Originally Posted by outlawneeler

I am new on here just found this sight a few days ago... I am in the similar situation as shattered soul... I have very deep emotional feelings for my husbands best friend who just recently moved another state away.... it gets in the way of my marriage and I am trying desperately to get past this... But it is possible... The thing is I would never divorce my husband... I love him and I know he loves me we are very honest with each other and I have told him about his best friend.... Even though right now I am living in this fantasy world and crazy infatuation.... I know I will still come back to home base. My husband is my foundation.... and maybe there is something that your husband is missing from your relationship that he is getting from the other woman... I am in no way saying that's a good thing and that shouldn't happen at all.... What I am trying to say is, that is what led me to start emotionally fall in love with my husbands best friend... His best friend started to give me more attention, more passionate, more sexual appeal, but it isn't true love, because in the end my husband completes me. He is honestly like the other half of me. In the end I know who I truly love. I love my husband and I will do whatever it takes to stay together... All I am saying, is I think that your husband truly loves you he just might be having some issues that he is afraid to speak to you about or feelings. It is very possible and easy to get attached to someone else while you are married. If you put trust into your husband by letting him know you will always be there no matter what he will tell you whats really going on. Then after he admits it ,if their is feelings for this other woman, then you will know and you will be able to find a solution. Honestly if he does have feelings for her the best thing for him to do is to stay away from her and loose connection for a while.... not forever and time will heal the heart and he will realize that he didn't truly love her. I know he loves you as I do my husband the key is to get him to tell you what he really thinks. I think you need to spend some time with your husband, explain to him that you wouldn't be upset if you found out it was true, that you need to know because this is your life, your family, your future, and I am sure you know of all the bumps and patches in the road you have been married for 14 years and have kids... You will get through this.... I love my husbands best friend... but I love my husband and if not seeing his best friend for a while will help me I will do it. You just need to be very open with him and talk about it. If you really are frustrated with all of this and really do think it's getting serious... tell him that it's either you or the woman he works with. If my husband asked me that I would stay with him, even if it meant never talking to his best friend ever again.... I would do that because I love him more than anyone or thing could ever imagine. It is possible in a marriage especially after years of marriage to get distracted along the way but if you two stick this out you will be much stronger in the end.... Don't give up fighting.... Time heals the heart....

Fascinating - on another thread you, your husband and the best friend are "swingers." I don't think that is the same situation here. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...?=#post2112090

No problem with your advice - it's the inconsistencies that have no place here.