Hi,

I think I understand your feelings. Here is my opinion: I believe you need more adventure in your life. You sound bored and I think the only person who can help you is YOU. Try to be less dependent on your husband to make you feel happy. I know they are supposed to be the charming gentleman as in fairy tales but believe me those are only stories and real men in real life behave far from that. The fact that your husband works hard means he cares about his family. He is neither addicted or alcoholic or a womanizer. He does not like her mom’s spoiling him but she is his mother, what can he do, he cannot throw her away. It is good that you do not get mad with your mother in low and you think she is has a good heart. Don’t blame her, she is getting old and she feels the only thing she has is her son, she wants to feel important, we do not understand this until we get old. Probably your husband wants to be nice to his mom and his love for her mom does not interfere with his love for you. I am sure he will spend more time with you if you stop looking unhappy and feel better about your life. I don’t know about the sexy notes … I believe men are deeper than that. What makes men to spend more time with their family is a relaxed environment, a shelter, in which the light is the happiness in their family member’s eyes. He is not responsible for your feelings, you are not a two year old child that needs to be taken care of, you are an adult yourself who is responsible for the life and happiness of two helpless kids. I don’t think your problem will be solved by switching from this man to another man. The problem is internal  I know during pregnancy you feel more like to be cuddled and you like him to spoil you and if he does not you feel he does not love you. But accept it from me, it seems you have a nice life and it is a pity not to enjoy it. About that relative, do not let her interfere, if you think well you will see that you are the one who let her control your life, just nicely ask her to stop interfering. I very much suggest you keep yourself busy during the day with something you are talented in and enjoy your life. The more demanding we are the less they are attracted to us. The more independent you are the more he will like you. I hope it helps.

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Originally Posted by Eileen2005

Hi,

I think I understand your feelings. Here is my opinion: I believe you need more adventure in your life. You sound bored and I think the only person who can help you is YOU. Try to be less dependent on your husband to make you feel happy. I know they are supposed to be the charming gentleman as in fairy tales but believe me those are only stories and real men in real life behave far from that. The fact that your husband works hard means he cares about his family. He is neither addicted or alcoholic or a womanizer. He does not like her mom’s spoiling him but she is his mother, what can he do, he cannot throw her away. It is good that you do not get mad with your mother in low and you think she is has a good heart. Don’t blame her, she is getting old and she feels the only thing she has is her son, she wants to feel important, we do not understand this until we get old. Probably your husband wants to be nice to his mom and his love for her mom does not interfere with his love for you. I am sure he will spend more time with you if you stop looking unhappy and feel better about your life. I don’t know about the sexy notes … I believe men are deeper than that. What makes men to spend more time with their family is a relaxed environment, a shelter, in which the light is the happiness in their family member’s eyes. He is not responsible for your feelings, you are not a two year old child that needs to be taken care of, you are an adult yourself who is responsible for the life and happiness of two helpless kids. I don’t think your problem will be solved by switching from this man to another man. The problem is internal  I know during pregnancy you feel more like to be cuddled and you like him to spoil you and if he does not you feel he does not love you. But accept it from me, it seems you have a nice life and it is a pity not to enjoy it. About that relative, do not let her interfere, if you think well you will see that you are the one who let her control your life, just nicely ask her to stop interfering. I very much suggest you keep yourself busy during the day with something you are talented in and enjoy your life. The more demanding we are the less they are attracted to us. The more independent you are the more he will like you. I hope it helps.

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Your advise was so wonderful. It was just so perfect I can't even explain it. Thank you so much. You made so much sense to me. And you are so right. I can't thank you enough. I take every thing to heart. I am a very sensitive person even when I wasn't pregnant. I cry about everything. Someone could do something so little to me and I will hold that grudge till I die. And I do understand I should not do that. When I was see a counselor, she told me that was only affecting me. But its so hard to let things go. I wish I could though, I would probably be a happier person. I love my family. My little boy means the world to me and I would die for him and I know I would do the same for my baby that's not born yet. People tell me all the time what a wonderful mother and a good wife I am. I will take your advise and try to make myself a happier person. If I'm happy, I know my husband will be happy. Then maybe we won't fight so much. Sometimes I joke with him and act goofy. He always tells me he loves it when I act like that. He wishes I would act like it more often. And maybe I will. I need to let go. And live life. It sounds so easy, but it will be a hard thing to do. I will just take it day by day. That person who lives down the street from me, is my grandma. This one time I was doing my dishes and I just happened to look out of my window. And my grandpa was standing in my alley looking at every inch of my yard and house. I waited to see if he would knock or something. Instead, he walked back home. Just to see what we were doing. Crazy, huh? They always drive past my house. And there is no need to from where I live to where they live. Every day something crazy happens with them and I cry because I can't take it anymore. That's why I hate this town. My neighbors, left, right, across the street, are my grandparents friends. So whatever I do, they will know in a few hrs. I just think that has a lot to do with me stressing out so much, you know? Before I moved here, they were not like that at all. I don't know why. But thank you so much for your advise. It was great.

A husband should put his wife's needs before he's , to lovingly care for her and to try his best to bring her happiness, your husband's mother is out of line and I think you should tell her that in a respectable manner, as for your husband, talk to him with kind and gentle words, men like it when you treat them respectfully (speaking out of experience , lol ) and tell him your needs, he might not change overnight but its well worth a shot. Everybody have problems in marriage at some point ;)

Hi,

I am so happy for you. I think I made sense because I am very much like you, a sensitive person. I just recently started to change my thoughts and my view towards life and my marriage. I decided that I am responsible for each moment of my life to be happy. And it works. I want you to know that it takes time and you should be patient. It is like missing the way on an intersection and going on a wrong high way, it takes time to get back on the right track. The important thing is that you accept that you need to change. I can share what helped me get through this if you want. We can help each other. I am sure you are a good mother and a good wife and things will get better, I promise. There is a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I don’t remember the title now. It was very helpful to me regarding being sensitive to other people’s opinion. It teaches you how to have control over your own destiny. I promise I will write the name for you. Some times we just need a hint to get what we want. For now, take your time, spend some time each day for yourself, when people say things you don’t like, reply in a polite way or ignore them, or just forgive them, but whatever you do, don’t keep it in your heart. Think of the attention they pay to you in a good way. It seems you are surrounded by an older generation. Try to make friends with people with similar lives as yours. Are there any community centers where you can take your child to play? You might end up getting friends with other mom’s. See if you can do volunteer work in a day care some times. If you are good with kids, it would be good for you. Find out what you are good at an be active and each night before you go to bed meditate and think of the good things life has given you and pray for things to get better. I do this at my child’s bed. Watching her asleep. We only live once and we should not regret anything when we get old. I wish you all the best.

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Originally Posted by Marily

A husband should put his wifes needs before he's , to lovingly care for her and to try his best to bring her happiness, your husband's mother is out of line and i think you should tell her that in a respectable manner, as for your husband, talk to him with kind and gentle words, men like it when you treat them respectfully (speaking out of experience , lol ) and tell him your needs, he might not change overnight but its well worth a shot. Everybody have problems in marriage at some point ;)

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Thank you so much. Your advise is very nice. And I really agree with you about his mom!

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Originally Posted by Eileen2005

Hi,

I am so happy for you. I think I made sense because I am very much like you, a sensitive person. I just recently started to change my thoughts and my view towards life and my marriage. I decided that I am responsible for each moment of my life to be happy. And it works. I want you to know that it takes time and you should be patient. It is like missing the way on an intersection and going on a wrong high way, it takes time to get back on the right track. The important thing is that you accept that you need to change. I can share what helped me get through this if you want. We can help each other. I am sure you are a good mother and a good wife and things will get better, I promise. There is a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I don’t remember the title now. It was very helpful to me regarding being sensitive to other people’s opinion. It teaches you how to have control over your own destiny. I promise I will write the name for you. Some times we just need a hint to get what we want. For now, take your time, spend some time each day for yourself, when people say things you don’t like, reply in a polite way or ignore them, or just forgive them, but whatever you do, don’t keep it in your heart. Think of the attention they pay to you in a good way. It seems you are surrounded by an older generation. Try to make friends with people with similar lives as yours. Are there any community centers where you can take your child to play? You might end up getting friends with other mom’s. See if you can do volunteer work in a day care some times. If you are good with kids, it would be good for you. Find out what you are good at an be active and each night before you go to bed meditate and think of the good things life has given you and pray for things to get better. I do this at my child’s bed. Watching her asleep. We only live once and we should not regret anything when we get old. I wish you all the best.

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Your words have touched me very deeply. You are such a great person. And I really hope your children appreciate you which I'm so sure they do. I understand that when someone says something mean to me, I should not get angry. What I said to that person wasn't the right thing to do. And when I said it, I did realize I made a mistake. She just really upset me. I don't know why people are so mean when all I want is some help. I don't need negitaive thoughts, I need positive to keep me going. I understand that I am only human and we ALL do make mistakes. My husband has upset me deeply. So therefore I am allowed to vent. I think a lot of people agree with me. And if they don't, I think they need the councling? You have to let things off your chest once in a while. Or you'll blow up. I have no one to talk to around here so its nice to see there are some really great people out there like you. And I really do thank god every day for the great things I have, my son, my dog, my beautiful house, nice car, my health, my families health, all those things. I am so greatly appreciated. You know, sometimes you wonder, is the grass greener on the other side. And you have to sit and think, maybe its not. That's what I think your trying to get me to understand, I think. And I really couldn't imagine my life without him. Sometimes I try. But it doesn't work out. Maybe its like "you play nice, I'll play nice". Right? I just stress out too much and worry all the time. Who said life would be easy! I wish it came with instructions! Thank you so much. I really hope we keep talking. I really like talking to you. If you need anything, please let me know. I'm not the greatest advise giver, its just nice to know someone's there.

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Originally Posted by pinky5

Your words have touched me very deeply. You are such a great person. And I really hope your children appreciate you which I'm so sure they do. I understand that when someone says something mean to me, I should not get angry. What I said to that person wasn't the right thing to do. And when I said it, I did realize I made a mistake. She just really upset me. I don't know why people are so mean when all I want is some help. I don't need negitaive thoughts, I need positive to keep me going. I understand that I am only human and we ALL do make mistakes. My husband has upset me deeply. So therefore I am allowed to vent. I think alot of people agree with me. And if they don't, I think they need the councling?! You have to let things off your chest once in a while. Or you'll blow up. I have no one to talk to around here so its nice to see there are some really great people out there like you. And I really do thank god every day for the great things I have, my son, my dog, my beautiful house, nice car, my health, my families health, all those things. I am so greatly appreciated. You know, sometimes you wonder, is the grass greener on the other side. And you have to sit and think, maybe its not. Thats what I think your trying to get me to understand, I think. And I really couldn't imagine my life without him. Sometimes I try. But it doesn't work out. Maybe its like "you play nice, I'll play nice". Right? I just stress out too much and worry all the time. Who said life would be easy! I wish it came with instructions!! Thank you so much. I really hope we keep talking. I really like talking to you. If you need anything, please let me know. I'm not the greatest advise giver, its just nice to know someones there.

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Hi:)

I think you are right. Life is not easy; it might not have one instruction for all people. EVERYONE’S life is unique. I know it is hard to keep your head some times, but it is even harder not to blame yourself after you have lost your temper, right? I agree that we need to get things off our chest, but we should learn to do it in a proper way, so that it does not pile up on the other person’s chest! I am practicing not to talk when I am angry, because when you get angry you say things you regret later and you might hurt the other person more than they have hurt you. I try going for a walk instead of talking out of anger and I walk and walk until I calm down. It is very difficult though. For me, I usually keep arguing to solve the problem, but it makes it worse. I have learned that some times we don’t need to prove we are right. Arguments between husbands and wives just make the relationship cold. We think we win when we argue but we might at the same time lose something more important if we are not careful with our words. I know it is not easy. These are lessons of life. I think life gives us a lesson and if we don’t learn it, it gives us a harder lesson and keeps giving us that problem in different ways until we learn to solve it. Erasing the problem does not solve it. You talked about having fun in life. I know at the beginning of the marriage there is more fun, but as life goes by there are more responsibilities and may be less fun, especially after you have a baby. But, there is joy, which is more precious and genuine than fun. The joy you feel after a whole day of working hard, you get tired but you feel good about yourself because you know you have made a difference in the world in the way that only you know. I some times look at the line of clothes I have spread on the rope and think to myself, I am so lucky to have a family to care about and it feels my heart with joy. I mean if you look at things in a joyful way, little things, they look nice, and if you look at them as burden you make a hell out of your life. I am happy that you feel grateful about your life, I am sure you are smart and you will solve the problems in your own way. I love talking to you, too. I recently joined this site and it feels good to know there are people who have the same feelings as you have, and it is great to be able to share your thoughts with them.

Hi,

AS promised here is the title of the book I told you about: Pulling Your Own Strings, by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. I found it very useful. It helps you to be less sensetive.

Hope you will change from married and unhappy, to happily married...

All the best

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Originally Posted by Eileen2005

Hi,

AS promised here is the title of the book I told you about: Pulling Your Own Strings, by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. I found it very useful. It helps you to be less sensetive.

Hope you will change from married and unhappy, to happily married ...

All the best

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Thank you. I will definitely pick that up. You've been such great help! I understand every word you say. And I like the fact that you are honest and nice. I just joined this website also. And I'm glad. I will keep in contact with you to let you know how things go and just to say HI! Thanks a lot!

You are welcome! I am waiting for good news. Keep me posted.

Have you tried telling him how you fell? Or maby telling his mother how you fell? Im also divorced and have a five year old son, Don't put on a happy face let them know what you are felling. And if they can't understand F@#K them life is to short to be unhappy all the time. Always know people can only do to you what you let them so stand up and be strong. Don't be scared of the wicked witch.

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Originally Posted by CorrieNB

Have you tried telling him how you fell? Or maby telling his mother how you fell? Im also divorced and have a five year old son, Dont put on a happy face let them know what you are felling. And if they can't understand F@#K them life is to short to be unhappy all the time. Always know people can only do to you what you let them so stand up and be strong. Dont be scared of the wicked witch.

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I am too scared to tell her how I feel. I know I can't keep on going like this though. She just loves to be incontrol. My mom never treated me like this. It weird cause I'm not afraid of my mom. Why should I be afraid of someone else's? My husband is so afraid of her, its sick. When we use to smoke, he use to hide it from her and he's 28! Therefore, I wasn't allowed to smoke infrount of them. I got so sick of it, I said screw it! I need a cigg! So I smoked infrount of them. But then I quit. So I guess it showed that I wasn't too afraid of her. She can smell fear and loves it. Why would you want to be like that with your son? I want my son to be happy and I want him to be able to talk to me. I was like that with my mom. Some things I kept to myself, but I know if I ever needed someone to talk to, she was there. But now, she got problems of her own. I still talk a little to her but not like we use to. Someone once told me, the more she see you miserable, she loves it. So act as nice as pie and that's what makes her mad. What do you think about that? Sometimes its so hard to do that. Cause she makes me so mad. I really think if we didn't live around our families, we would be a lot happier. I really do believe that. Someday my husband says we will move. I just think maybe it'll be too late. There is only so much a person could take. I might go crazy or something!

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Originally Posted by pinky5

I am too scared to tell her how I feel. I know I can't keep on going like this though. She just loves to be incontrol. My mom never treated me like this. It weird cause I'm not afraid of my mom. Why should I be afraid of someone elses? My husband is so afraid of her, its sick. When we use to smoke, he use to hide it from her and hes 28! Therefore, I wasn't allowed to smoke infrount of them. I got so sick of it, I said screw it! I need a cigg! So I smoked infrount of them. But then I quit. So I guess it showed that I wasn't too afraid of her. She can smell fear and loves it. why would you want to be like that with your son? I want my son to be happy and I want him to be able to talk to me. I was like that with my mom. Some things I kept to myself, but I know if I ever needed someone to talk to, she was there. But now, she got problems of her own. I still talk a little to her but not like we use to. Someone once told me, the more she see you miserable, she loves it. So act as nice as pie and thats what makes her mad. what do you think about that? Sometimes its so hard to do that. Cause she makes me so mad. I really think if we didn't live around our families, we would be a lot happier. I really do believe that. Someday my husband says we will move. I just think maybe it'll be too late. There is only so much a person could take. I might go crazy or something!

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I do believe it really pisses people off when you are nice to them.Wich is really weird you would think people would want you to be nice. But I'm sure you've heard the phrase misery loves company mabey she is really un happy and wants everyone else to suffer with her. Your husband at least acknowledges that she is controlling right? Being scared is no good but understandable, try to tell her any way you would be surprised strong minded people actuly respect it when your not passave and stand up for yourself. Maby you should try it. My Grandma always said you can catch more bees with honey than with vinigar and my mom always said who the wants to catch a bee. Hope everything works out. She's not mean to your kid is she?

I agree. I believe people respect those who are assertive. I think you are not scared, but you have a soft nature and perhaps you did not have to be assertive to other people in your life, because they were not controlling. You need to learn to reply in the proper way. At the beginning you might sound aggressive but later you will find the balance. I liked the bee story.

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Originally Posted by Eileen2005

I agree. I believe people respect those who are assertive. I think you are not scared, but you have a soft nature and perhaps you did not have to be assertive to other people in your life, because they were not controlling. You need to learn to reply in the proper way. At the beginning you might sound aggressive but later you will find the balance. I liked the bee story.

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Thank you very much. I'm too afraid to speak my mind though. I feel even if I would say something in the nicest manner, it will be the wrong way. Like if I don't agree with something she does with my son or even giving him something to eat that I just don't want him to have. Yes, I also liked the bee story. I know I'm going to have to start by saying something though. If I keep letting her do this to me, she'll just keep walking all over me.

Pinky it is impossible for anyone to please everyone, I still think that you should talk to your mother in law, tell her how you feel, she might say neagative things for and about you, but the truth is as long as you know you are doing the right thing you don't need to listen to the negative comments. I think you need to get this off your chest. I don't understand why your husband don't support you on this, makes me think what his veiw point is concerning his responsibilities towards his wife, maybe you should ask him

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Originally Posted by Marily

Pinky it is impossible for anyone to please everyone, i still think that you should talk to your mother in law, tell her how you feel, she might say neagative things for and about you, but the truth is as long as you know you are doing the right thing you dont need to listen to the negative comments. I think you need to get this off your chest. I don't understand why your husband don't support you on this, makes me think what his veiw point is concerning his responsibilities towards his wife, maybe you should ask him

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I ask him all the time why he never sticks up for me and why he's always on her side. He just yells at me and says I'm crazy and I need help. If you ask me, I think he's the one who needs help because he can't make a decision on his own. He has to ask mama first. Like example: we are having another baby, we were going thew names and I told him the name I like. Well, he hates it. So we went over his grandmas house and his family was there and they ask me if we came up with any names that we agree on. I said yea, I did. So, I told them the name and he started saying I don't really like that name. Right after he said that his mom said that she liked it. I swear, right after she said that he's like, "yea, I'm starting to like it too!" Just because she liked it and now he does. He can never have an opinion of his own. That's so sad to go on life not being able to tell if you like something or not. That you have to ask someone first.

Seems like talking doesn't help much, does he have a grudge against you? I mean how hard could it be showing your wife affection?

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Originally Posted by Marily

Seems like talking does'nt help much, does he have a grudge against you? I mean how hard could it be showing your wife affection?

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No he doesn't have any grudges against me. Not that I know of. If anyone would, it would be me having one on him for how he is.

Was he like that when you married him? I think not so what could have changed? Could the conflict between you and his mother have anything to do with it? Maye backing off from the mother in law will take some of the stress off. Leaving her alone for a while may give you and hubby the chance to work out your own conflicts.