Ask Me Help Desk - Am married a man that I didn't love.

Am married a man that I didn't love.

I am married. I did it for my families. My husband is older than me. Am 22 and he is 40. We always fight. I can't love him. Wt am I going to do?

Can I ask you where you live please?

Divorce him? I believe that if you are unhappy in the situation that you are in, then you should change it.

Good luck.
Javi

Does your culture allow divorce? That would be the best option.

Actually am on the way to devorce him. Did u c our age difference? Is that normal?

Age isn't a factor, if you're in love, which you're not.

Will your family be accepting of a divorce? Why did they want you to marry him to begin with?

He is not wiz me now.he live in out of country for two years. He don't want me to live with him. He always said you are not the kind of girl that I want I just married for your families. He just want to live like this. I mean, he may come once in a year. I feel like am alone. So now I start a relationship with someone. I know its wrong but I don't know how that happened. I love the new guy so much. Because he was there when am alone. He was treat me. But he has a girlfreind. He told me that he was in love with me before am married. We have sex. Now I don't know wt to do. I feel guilty.

The trouble here is that the man you're seeing has a girlfriend,so he's off limits.

He's also a cheat and possibly a liar.

You don't need that in your life,as it's only going to make matters worse.

Get your divorce,heal from the unhappy marriage and stay single until you're back on your feet and are ready to date again.

Nadine, you need to end the relationship with your 'boyfriend'. It is a distraction and only causing you more confusion and pain. Cheating is not a good thing to do.

If this was an arranged marriage, what were the expectations when you married? Were any provisions made for ending the marriage? Have you talked to your family about the marriage? Would they support your divorcing your husband?

I hate to say this, but you are trying to be happy and find love in all the wrong places, and all the wrong ways.

I don't know why you are so desperate to have someone that you will take anything that comes along, but you had better leave men alone, and build a life that you enjoy, and be happy with yourself, so you can stop taking crap off men, just to have one.

You have to stand for something or you will fall for anything, so start standing for yourself, and keep telling yourself that you deserve better, and then do better for yourself. Ask yourself why are you letting everyone do as they will? When will you stop just jumping into things that look good but are not? When will you start being good to yourself??

I am honest and loving person. I have a great place for love. I will die for love.I know what am done is very wrong Specially the sex part. I feel like am a slut. I need help to back to normal. Am out of my mind. I can't stop thinking about the new guy. Please help me.

Do you not work, or have friends? Why is your life wrapped up about guys? Can you not love yourself and be good to you?

You can control yourself you know, and not let your lust control you. And there is a big difference between love and lust, and fantasy and reality. Show love for yourself, and not just give it away to those that don't deserve it.

Get busy, and build a life for yourself, that doesn't depend on having a guy. What you want someone to do it for you? You want the easy way out? You have already tried the easy way, now try it another way. A better way, that doesn't leave you feeling like a slut.

1) Leave the guys alone.
2) Get your divorce.
3)get a happy life without a man in it.
4)don't give your body to anyone until they prove that they deserve it.

It's a very simple process.

Can you find a therapist to talk to/

Do you work?

Where is your family and friends?

You need to find a focus outside this negative spiral.

I understand and I will do wt you say.I don't have work. Am studying engineering. I didn't see terapist. I have friends. I will graguate after 4 month. I will divorce my husband but How can I away from the guy am in love with. I want to live without men but how?

Nadine, what you need to do s get involved in things that help you stay away from him. Your classes, volunteer work, hobbies, a part-time job, etc. are all things that can keep you busy mentally and physically. Spend time with your friends and make new ones. Messy hobbies like painting, gardening and cooking can do wonders to keep you from picking up a phone or going to a computer.

Another tool for you to use is No Contact. That means having no contact with him through any means including asking mutual friends about him. Don't call him and don't accept calls from him. Ignore his texts and delete his email. Forget his phone number.

Keep in mind that he is not such a great guy if he is cheating on his girlfriend.

Let go of the guilt and decide not to do anything to add to it.

Good luck.

He always said that we will be together. The relationship with his girlfreind will stop after graduation. He promise me that he will never leave me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nadineblue

He always said that we will be together. The relationship with his girlfreind will stop after graduation. He promise me that he will never leave me.

I wonder what he's promising his girlfriend. If he loves you so much why is he still with her? Why does he have to wait? Why doesn't he grow a pair and leave her now if he's so in love with you?

I'll tell you why. Because he's not in love with you. He's in love with having a ready, willing women for sex. You're married, so he doesn't have to worry that you'll want more then he's willing to give. He makes promises so you'll keep spreading your legs for him.

He's a cheat, and you're a cheat. You can't build a relationship on lies and deception.

You said you feel like a slut. Well, take back your power, take back your life. Dump the loser that won't even leave his girlfriend to be with you. Divorce the husband that doesn't love you and won't live with you. Finish school, work on your career and making your life better, for you, not someone else.

When you're finally stable enough to stand on your own, that's when you'll be ready for love. Until then you're just a doormat for men to stomp on. I for one wouldn't accept that, especially when there's so much you can do to stop it.

Nadine if you think that you love this guy and you think he loves you too den see where that relationship takes u. but for now divorce your husband. At de same time be careful because you don't want to get hurt.

Quote:

Originally Posted by angermanagement

nadine if u think dat u love dis guy n u think he loves u too den see where dat relationship takes u. but for now divorce ur husband. at de same time be careful because u dnt wanna get hurt.

Please read the rules of this site. Chat speak is against the rules. Use full words, and the best English you're capable of. Further use of chat speak will reported, and your posts will likely be deleted.

For instance:

u = you
that = that
den = then
your = your
de = the
don't = don't

Thank you.

I accept what u said. I need to out from the situation that am in. I need to forget him but we learn the same school the same class also his girlfreind. Tell me exactly what am I going to do.

That is part of the problem. You are looking for someone to tell you what to do each step of the way. However, you need to take charge. You need to determine what is the best way for you.

We can give you advice on what you should do, but we cannot live your life for you.

So far, it sounds like you have been a dutiful daughter and for the most part wife. Doing and accepting what others decide for you. I think rebellion may be part of the attraction that your classmate holds for you. Once you take control of your life, making decisions for yourself, I think you will see that the classmate is using both you and his girlfriend to get what he wants.

Can you answer these questions:
What do you want in life?
How do you get what you want?

I want to be free and happiness. I want to live just for myself. I want to back to normal. I want to be successful in life. I want to be strong.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nadineblue

I want to be free and happiness. I want to live just for my self. I want to back to normal. I want to be successful in life. I want to be strong.

Then work on achieving those goals. How you go about it is up to you and only you.

Ok tell me what am I going to do about the school part?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nadineblue

Ok tell me what am i going to do about the school part?

"I want to be free and happiness. I want to live just for my self. I want to back to normal. I want to be successful in life. I want to be strong."

Then be strong and tell the guy to leave you alone. You can't just want something without doing what it takes to get it. Be strong, don't just say it!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nadineblue

Ok tell me what am i going to do about the school part?

That's up to you. Part of being strong is making decisions for yourself, and not relying on others to tell you what to do.

You can do this. You can decide what you want your future to be. Your life is in your hands, and only your hands. We can't and won't tell you what to do, because we have no right to do that.

Take this step now. Be independent. Stop relying on other people to tell you how to live your life. Live it on your terms! That's how you become strong.

Now, I want to talk to him for the last time and I will tell him that I can't be with him anymore. Even if its hard for me, it's the right thing to do but I will always love him.

I talk to him and he said he love's me. He didn't leave his girlfreind because he did it for me because am married and everyone knows about it. So, he said he is cover me up until am divorce my husband. He cry so hard and I left him. What am I going to do now?

Heal from both relationships.

Start living your life and doing your own thing.

Study,make friends,actively work on moving on.

You are going to survive. You are going to heal. You are going to move forward.

When you think about going back to him, keep firmly in your mind that he is using another person to get what he wants. He wants you so he is using her as a cover. How do you think it will make her feel if/when she finds out that she nothing more to him than an excuse? Do you want to be a part of making another female feel like that way?

I know you are probably hurting and confused right now. It will get better. Are there any clubs at school that you can get involved in? Do you have any hobbies or interests that can help occupy your mind?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nadineblue

I talk to him and he said he love's me. He didnt leave his girlfriend because he did it for me because am married and everyone knows about it. So, he said he is cover me up until am divorce my husband. He cry so hard and i left him. What am i going to do now?

Ignore him, move on, and get your house in order, by handling your business with your husband, and start building the life you want in a good orderly fashion. Stop being distracted by silly side shows that only keep you from focusing on what's important for what you want.

No more excuses for bad behavior, or what everyone else is doing to you. Own your mistakes, and do better for yourself.

Then find things that interest yo;,we need to make an effort in life-things aren't just dropped into our laps,nor do people come knocking on our doors wanting to befriend us.

You've got to go out there and create a life for yourself.

I think the best thing is to divorce him,then take time on yourself without a man and look back on your previous mistakes before moving on to anyone else...

I didn't answer his phone calls and his text too. But I just can't thinking about him. I always see him at school.what should I do?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nadineblue

I didnt answer his phone calls and his text too. But i just can't thinking about him. I always see him at school.what should i do?

Nadine, no one said this would be easy. The first few days are the hardest. Yes, you keep thinking about him. He was a part of your life, in your head, and in your bed. It's hard to go cold turkey. The fact is, you're doing what's right for you, even if it hurts a bit.

What should you do? Continue concentrating on what's good for you and your life. Focus on getting a divorce. Concentrate on doing well in school. Concentrate on getting a good job. Concentrate on getting your own place to live. Concentrate on you.

You are what's important. You don't need a guy to make you important, or to make you feel special. All you need is you. So work on you. Look in a mirror and tell yourself that you're worth being loved for you. You're worth concentrating on. You don't need a man to make you feel worthy or safe. You need you!

You can do this. You just need to get past this bad part. After that it's smooth sailing.

Am alone now. I can't trust no one. I hate all guys but I can't forget him. I always thinking about him. I always see him at class. What should I do.

You get active and start building a life you enjoy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nadineblue

Am alone now. I can't trust no one. I hate all guys but I can't forget him. I always thinking about him. I always see him at class. What should i do.

You stop beating a dead horse, you stop posting the same question, and you read what we've written and follow our advice.

I did. Am already on it. Am start living just by myself. I think your advice are working.

Then I wish you the best of luck-stay strong and have a happy life.