My first true love has contacted me after many years, we have both been married but not very happy for many years and have looked for each other. We didn't have any closure on our breakup and it was kindof stupid. We both have mutual feelings and have loved the other over the years. I am so confused on what to do because I have thought of leaving my husband for many years and have waited for our youngest child to finish school. Both of our children are pretty much grown and we both accept that we have commitments to our families but are confused on what to do. We have spoke about being together just don't know when because of our commitments. What do I do? I never knew feelings could last this long.

Before you even think about breaking your marriage you listen to me. If you leave your husband for this old flame, don't think you can recapture what you had many years ago. You are basing your future and your families happiness on a dream, a memory.

Even if you do go to him.. it will not be like you remember. The past can never be recaptured and you are risking your marriage to a man who is probably a good husband and father,for a man you've built up through the years to be your true love.

You are dreaming of what it was like then. It won't be that way again. You have held on to this mans memory for years and that's
Why your marriage hasn't been the way it should be.

You are probably going to do what you want, but if you do please let us know when it doesn't work out.

If you both are going behind your partners back, and plotting on how to be together then you're both WRONG.

Are you have a physical affair?? Then end it and focus on your own house or leave your partners and do your thing.

Bad behavior is not your answer and unless you are ready to leave your partners, don't play the cheating game. That's a disgusting way to solve a problem.

Cheating is not the answer. Jumping from one marriage to another is not the answer either.

First, you need to figure out your issues with your husband. If a marriage cannot be salvaged, then go your separate ways.

As for your old flame. He has his own marriage to worry about. Let him deal with his own issues.

If you both ended in divorce, spend some time recovering. And then found each other, then worry about it then. But that's not the case right now. Deal with the issue at hand, which is your current marriage.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LOVED188

We have spoke about being together just don't know when because of our commitments. What do I do? I never knew feelings could last this long.

---

Hello LOVED:

I love every girl that I ever loved, as much today as I ever did. So, I understand. What do you DO about it?? You wait till your current commitment expires, whenever that is.

excon

Have you ever gone to a High School reunion? You can't wait to see all the friends you haven't seen for years, catch up on old times?

On the way home all you feel is a little sad because you have nothing in common with most of the ones you went to High School with.

You find the pedestals you had a lot of them on have crumbled and they are ordinary . The football jock is balding and a little hefty.

The beauty queen and homecoming queen still act as though they are better than anyone else, although you know one has been married four times in the last twenty years and the other is an alcoholic who lost her husband to another woman.

That's how this is going to be. The memories are are better than the reality. Think before you do this. He has a family and a wife and you have a husband and children.

There's more people involved than you two. When was the last time you seen this man?

How many years has it been since you've seen him?

Neither one of us want to hurt our spouses in anyway but is there any reason to be so unhappy where we are. We agree we want to be there for our kids and they are almost grown so only time will tell. It's just really confusing and don't know what to do about it. How can you get someone like that out of your head and heart? He's an amazing caring person.

If you have the option of changing back to the old skin, which is at the very top of the page in a yellow band, then you can have a complete input to this thread.

Quote:

---

LOVED188 : We aren't plotting just discussed it. We both know we have families and are committed to that and nothing will happen until we are divorced. We have respect for the other's family and we have only talked on the phone or email and have recently stop

---

Quote:

---

LOVED188 : I agree I wouldn't jump into it again. We would have to try a relationship only when we were both free of our obligations.

---

Glad you have chosen a better path. Whatever happens staying within the boundaries of good behavior and not acting out of impulse will keep you on the right side of your family issues. At least you won't be as distracted by seeking happiness elsewhere. Talk to your husband and see if you can work together to resolve your issues is a better plan than dreaming of the past, and think that that's where you would rather be.

Taking care of business at home has to be the priority now.

What happens when you both get a divorce, start dating and find out all those old feelings were just part of being young? What then?

Your husband hopefully will have moved on to someone who truly loves him and his new wife will make up for the years of you regretting him not being the one
You wished you had married.

Then the old flame will start wishing he had another chance with his ex, because after you two have finished talking about the past and consummate this great love
What will you have left?

How Long has it been since you saw him?

You say your marriage is one sided?

You say you do all the trying and you're tired?

I'll bet the reason your husband stopped trying is because he knew he was competing with a memory and in in his eyes you never loved him as much as you loved this memory.

Why in the world would you marry somebody you don't love?

I'll bet your husband is a good man and I also wager he's a good Dad.

It's hard having a good marriage when there's another man who sleeps between you two every night and has all these years.

You are the problem in your marriage if all these years you have been in love with another man and stayed married to another.

Why didn't you leave when both of you were younger. I guess there was no Face book or texting or on line searches and you couldn't find him.

You are doing so wrong by treating your husband like this.
Your children know and your family knows. He won't leave his family for you. He might think he will but I don't believe he will after you have been together. Think about.

Yes my marriage has been onesided for many years because my husband has cared more about his drinking and other activities rather than being with his family. I have tried and tried to involve him and his interest has been gone for a long time. So y

Quote:

---

LOVED188 : Yes my marriage has been onesided for many years because my husband has cared more about his drinking and other activities rather than being with his family. I have tried and tried to involve him and his interest has been gone for a long time. So y

---

Instead of trying to get him more involved, and being upset with the results, why not try involving yourself with some clean adult things that you enjoy. Thing that make you feel fulfilled, like outside activities that you can look forward to, even a career if the children are old enough. Something that makes you feel good about you. In this way you don't have to be so frustrated and can give him space to make up his own mind what he wants to do as clearly your efforts only push him away the harder you pull.

There is no reason for you to be unhappy, as I think once you see the situation differently and apply your energy to you, it changes the whole dynamic of the relationship by eliminating frustration, and resentments on your part. From what you have written I think your kids are old enough for you to make time for yourself. Take responsibility for your own happiness.
I think many wives go through this as the nest empties, as the children get older. You are not alone in that, but don't think another man is the best, or only choice you have. Its not, as there is plenty of things to be involved with that can make you a happier person in your own right.

We could also communicate with you better if you could click over to the old skin, If you have the option of changing back to the old skin, which is at the very top of the page in a yellow band, then you can have a complete input to this thread.

You have not seen this man in 20 years. If you two are thinking you can pick things right up from there, you are fooling yourself.

I think you are unhappy, your children will soon be leaving and you're thinking "what now!" This old boyfriend is a fantasy.
This would be a good time to talk to your husband see if you to can rekindle what you had before.
Cut contact with this old beau. You cannot move forward or even help the situation at home as long as you are mooning over him.

Quote:

---

LOVED188 : I've seen pictures of him but the last time I seen him was about 20 years ago. We have both looked for each other over the years. We haven't seen each other face to face due to fear of what would happen because of our feelings for each other.

---

When was the first time your tried finding the ex? How many times over the years until you finally did get in touch? If you were honest with yourself, would you say that you have been emotionally cheating with a memory on your husband for years?

Very few people have what could be considered complete 'closure' from any relationship. Even the death of the other person, as final it can get, doesn't stop people from wishing they had been able to get closure. Most people have to get closure in their own mind and heart. It isn't easy and it takes work and giving yourself permission to let go.

If you look back on your relationship with your husband, were you ever fully involved emotionally with your husband or did some part of your brain hold out on the hope that Mr. X would ride in and save you from making a big mistake? When did your husband start drinking, etc. and being 'not involved'?

You talk about not wanting to hurt your respective spouses, do you really think they are deaf, mute, and blind? Read the many threads on this site dealing with spouses who have been hurt by their partners talking to old flames. Their partners think they don't know what is going on, too.

Talking to your husband, you said, results in changes that go back to the way things were after a while. Changes only stay if both parties work to keep them in place. It seems both of you gave up on making it look like the changes were working.

Imagine how your husband feels. You are emotionally detached from him
.

Just going through the motions making yourself touch him.


Probably visualizing it's the other one when you're having sex.

Comparing everything he does to the way he did it.

Hoping and praying you'll see the dreamboat again and finally you reconnect.

Doesn't matter if the children and the family yours and his has been broken, You are together.

Voilà, it's great until you realize something's missing. You know what it is ?

The memories you had aren't memories anymore... and it isn't what you thought it would be.

Too late... you got what you asked for and you realize some memories should be left alone.

I am not thinking that we can just pick up where we left off but there might be a chance if we still care about each other maybe someday we could if we are both single. I have had several talks with my husband and he just keeps asking for me to give

Yes my kids are old enough and I do have a career. I have worked more hours than he has and made double the money he has over the years. I have bought my dream home for the family so the kids would be happy and could entertain their friends. I have

I simply cannot stand any of these half answers. Please poster communicate with us in a better way and that involves you changing your skins to the old way at the top of the page. Its a yellow bar that allows you to answer completely with no word restrictions.

I'm sorry I have never used this site before and I have clicked on the yellow band at the top but it keeps bringing me back.

Look we all had first loves. I don't think there's anything wrong with remembering good times.

Sometimes you can dwell on one memory so long, you begin to romanticize and you forget about what you have right in front of you.

You have a man who loves you.

This man has given you everything he can give.

He's a good father. He's a good provider.

He's been there for you when your children were born, when they were sick.

He has stayed all these years knowing how you feel.

You're planning on throwing all this away to chase an old boyfriend whom you haven't seen in twenty years.

You're going to be shocked when you do have the boyfriend. He nor you will be the same .

You'll see that loving a memory is is not what you thought it would be.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LOVED188

I'm sorry I have never used this site before and I have clicked on the yellow band at the top but it keeps bringing me back.

---

At the bottom of the thread should be a box labeled: My Answer (or something close to that). It gives you the ability to type as much as you need to say what you want. The Reply button on the individual posts is extremely limited in how much room you have to express yourself.

I don't know if this will help you, but here it goes:
On the Right side of the screen is a box that has your name in it and a few other things. One of those things looks like a wheel or gear. It brings up a menu that allows you to switch skins to the older one, too.

When you get to the older skin, go to My Profile. The button is at the top of the page on the right. It opens your User Control Panel. On the left side is a list of things that you can do to customize the way you see the site. One of the items is Edit Options. That allows you to select the skin you want to use. (It's at the bottom of the page.) v2 Light is a pretty good skin to learn about the site in. Remember to save your changes at the bottom of the page.

I can understand his drinking being a problem, don't know about his other activities, but you can do something about that without cheating. Educate yourself through Alanon, and they can give you guidance and suggestions about how best to cope with someone who has a drinking problem.

Perhaps if you show him how much his drinking is bothering you and tell him you want him to get help he'll realize you do love him.

Men feel when a woman is detached from them and this may be some of the reason for his drinking. If he gets help and you both get counseling it could work.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Kitkat22 again.
Kit is so right as his drinking is but a symptom of a greater problem that needs to be addressed, and just maybe your thoughts of being in a better place, with a better person(?), has distracted you from seeing what it may be, or how to get to any resolution of your marital issues. Ever think he may feel inadequate with your success, or fearful in his own mind that you could leave, and take his world away?

These are things to focus on, as you BOTH may be distracted at this time about the most important things in your life, each other. You fantasize of the what could be, and he drowns his fear and insecurity in a bottle. A very vicious cycle. You both may need the right guidance to get things into focus.

Quote:

---

LOVED188 : I looked for him when I moved trying to find him but he had moved from our hometown out of state. So no luck, I dated some but just couldn't find the right guy. I looked again before I got serious with the husband. Years later when I left the husba

---

You have left your husband before? Please finish this thought in an Answer box NOT with Reply.

Thanks for your help.

Yes I was saying when I left my husband before I had searched for him again. My husband begged me to come back and said he would stop drinking if I would. So I did and it all went back to the same thing, drinking like a fish.

Thank you, I will check in to that.

You went back to your husband after you couldn't find the old flame?

Your heart wasn't in counseling and I would imagine he knew that.
You're going to go out chasing this old boyfriend fantasy and that will end your marriage.

I wish I had a Crystal ball to show you what your future is going to be when you and this "old love" finally get together again. It won't last.

Why didn't you marry him? If the love you two had was an overpowering, all consuming, death till you part kind of love why in the world would you marry someone Else and make life hell for you and your husband.

How many times have you reminded your husband you make more money than him.. or you provided the beautiful home you live in?


Geeze, no wonder he drinks.

Kitkat,
No I didn't go back to my husband because I couldn't find him I went back because he begged me and I love him.
His heart was not in counseling, mine was. I asked him to go he didn't want to. He says counseling is for crazy people and he won't do it again. He says he doesn't have a problem.
I wish you had a crystal ball too so you could show me this marriage won't go anywhere as long as he doesn't want to fix it or get help for himself.
We didn't get married because of problems with my mom and moving away.
I don't ever throw it in my husband's face that I do make more money! Ever, I respect him more than that.
He drank before I met him and he doesn't think he has a problem. He thinks it's normal to drink so much and not remember the night before. This is why we can't fix our marriage. He needs help before we can work on our marriage.
Maybe I have given up and that is why I have focused on some memories so I can at least have some kind of hope. I don't know what else to do to cope anymore!

What do you mean by this... "ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Kitkat22 again."?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LOVED188

kitkat,
no I didn't go back to my husband because I couldn't find him I went back because he begged me and I love him.
His heart was not in counseling, mine was. I asked him to go he didn't want to. He says counseling is for crazy people and he won't do it again. He says he doesn't have a problem.
I wish you had a crystal ball too so you could show me this marriage won't go anywhere as long as he doesn't want to fix it or get help for himself.
We didn't get married because of problems with my mom and moving away.
I don't ever throw it in my husband's face that I do make more money! Ever, I respect him more than that.
He drank before I met him and he doesn't think he has a problem. He thinks it's normal to drink so much and not remember the night before. This is why we can't fix our marriage. He needs help before we can work on our marriage.
Maybe I have given up and that is why I have focused on some memories so I can at least have some kind of hope. I don't know what else to do to cope anymore!

---

Spreading reputation means tal was going to disagree or agree on what I whrote in my response. He had already agreed in another thread so he has to wait awhile before giving an agree or disagree again.

I think you should maybe do some counseling to help you get your thoughts together. I understand you stayed with your husband when he asked you to come back. It may have been a good idea to have some counseling then on how to live with an alcoholic.
This is probably why you have been fantasizing about this man for so long, you have been unhappy.
What you should do now is figure out if you are going to stay in your marriage or leave it, but if you leave, do so because you have had enough, not to try and pick up pieces with this other guy.

If you leave, it has to be for you. It has to be because the marriage failed and there was nothing left to pick up. You've lived in the past long enough. Look to the future and what makes you happy. DO NOT rely on someone else to fill the void or make you happy.

Part of my problem with the old flame is that you only know what HE has told you about his life. I wonder if his wife thinks they have a perfect marriage. I am worried that you may be making future plans based on very inaccurate information and that as soon as you are 'free'. He will be making all kinds of excuses about why he isn't.

We have had that happen to other people asking for advice for about the same question.

If he were willing to go to AA would you stand by him?

Talk to a minister and ask him to go with you.

If he refuses then you tell him he has a choice.

Tell him you want to fix your marriage but he has to try also.

Tell him you have too know if he's willing to take that first step toward getting help.

Tell him all the years of drinking is
Taking it's toll and you want it to change.

Tell him his children need him and so do you, but you don't need him drinking all the time and neither do his children.

Ask him if he will still be drinking when you all have grandchildren and how that will affect them.

This old flame needs to work out his marriage also. Tell him this.

If you can get your own marriage straightened out, maybe you won't feel the same about this guy.

Remember this nobody likes to feel unloved in a marriage.

Men are funny creatures when it comes to being the breadwinner in the family.

Some men, not all of them feel less a man if the wife makes more money than he does.

Take all this into consideration and do the right thing.

Have to spread some rep but I agree with Cat1864
You don't know if what this guy has told you about his life is true.
If you leave, do so for you, not for a chance with this guy you have not seen in 20 years

Homegirl and Cat are right.

How do you know this guy is telling the truth?

Does he have children?

Has he really been truthfull as to his feelings.

I wonder what he would do if you told him you were going to get a divorce?

Ask him when he's going to tell his wife!

Why did you not marry him? Because of your mother?

High School romance? Has he been married more than once?

I agree men do feel insecure or "not a man" when their wife does make more and he says it doesn't bother him but inside it may. I have tried to get him into a career and he just doesn't want to do it. He won't go to school or anything to better himself. He has walked off jobs before because he was unhappy and left me supporting the family and I know this doesn't have a lot to do with what we are talking about but I want you to understand why I had to step up and do what was needed to support my kids and have my own career in order to raise my kids. I've tried everything to make him feel better about himself but he has no motivation. I seriously think he could use the counseling but he refuses.
If he went to AA I would stand by him. I love him and want what's best for him regardless of whether we stay together or not.
I have done counseling for me in the past but they tell me that it will help me but not us. I am going to go again whether he goes or not to at least help me with my confusion and get my thoughts straight.
I do know the ex is an honest man and will not lie to save his life, he can be brutally honest. I know the wife is not happy either. We have discussed that nothing will ever happen until we are both single. Neither of us want to hurt our spouses and we have discussed not talking to each other for a while maybe a once and a while "hello, how are you?" He doesn't want to ruin my family and nor I his.

For the kids.