Hi all I have a question me and my husband of 3 in a half yrs have been having problems all we do is argue and fault find or criticize on what the other one has done wrong,well Sunday night we thought it might be best if we split up that would mean I would go to Ga (because that's where my family is) andhe stay here in mo which would be a thousand miles apart.. well Monday night we talked a little and decided to give it another try,now the problem is is getting him to communicate with me he does a little but he said he is scaredto because I take a lot of things wrong ( which I admitt I do get all defensive)I am trying to find a way to get this relationship on track and I don't know where to start.. another thing is I talked to him about intimacy and he said that for awhile now when we have made love it wasn't making love to me it was just sex and he doesn't want to feel that way when he has intimacy with me is this normal and will we get our relation ship and love making on track I would love some advice and tips on what I could do thanks all

Have you two tried counseling? Sometime having a neutral third party helps you to see things differently and helps you talk to each other without arguing.
Maybe you two can try writing a letter to each other, then answer it. Then come together and discuss what you wrote.

We tried counseling about a year ago but our problem was we had to cancel a lot because either work or we didn't have no one to watch the kids... we haven't tried writing letters.would we write something like how we feel about one another,the problems we are having and what we could do to change things?Thanks

Yeah, that. Then answer the letter in the form of a letter, then get together and talk about it. When you did the counseling, did they give you tips on how to talk to each other?

They did a couple of times but we ended up arguing about it,and they suggested that we do something together when we got to bed one night he prays out loud and then the next night we do that.. even though we haven't been to counseling in awhile we still do that except for these few nights,I try to talk to him about things but I guess I am like him I think he will take it the wrong way.. we have been doing better we at least give each other a hug in the morning or afternoon and I ask him how his day went at work and things like that.. another thing is my husband is a recovering alcoholic and spiritually and mentally since we have been having trouble he hasn't really been getting into his meetings or his 12 steps which I always have encouraged him to do these things.he knows I support him in this 100% anything to help him and keep him sober.and I have also agreed to go to AlAnon.I miss the way we use to be and I would love yo have it back.

Well just keep up some level of intimacy. Don't stop hugging and kissing. Tell him you love him, make some time in the evening just for you two, even if it's 10 15 minutes. Just time to sit and talk about the day.
I pray that you two can get what you had back.

Thanks homegirl50,I am actually starting to write a letter now and my husband called me on his lunch breakand I talked to him abou it at first he was like well I isn't good at letters and I said well can't you at least give it a try for us and he said yes so I think I got him to do that,Im just stuck on how the letter should start every time I try to write something it sounds weird to me lol... thank you for keeping us in your prayers

I just chimmed in and I agree with the letter.. .
Start with " I Love You" that's a great true positive start!
Another thing, try to do thing s differently.. . Change the routine, maybe you/he is bored
Change can be a good thing - go out, experience things you've never done, enjoy each other, and MAKE TIME!
Good Luck.

Hi thanks for writing me.. I would love to go out and do things together but I have no babysitter,his parents live 4 hours away and my mother lives in Ga and I have no friends where we live.. another thing we haven't done in a long time is go out as a family.. we do stay up as long as we can when the kids go to bed.we will cuddle and watch TV and sometimes talk..

I commend you on trying to make things work! That's great for the two of you. Maybe what you need is to spend time together just the two of you. I seen you had reason why you can't, but you need to find a way to. Spending alone time with your husband is crutial. You said you don't have a babysitter... put up postings at a local high school bulletin board and once people call you, do some interviews and get to know them. A babysitter won't magically appear at your door step you know. Then even if you start with a short evening date with you husband like going out dinner is perfect. If just the two of you go out to dinner then you will have nothing else to do than eat and talk and sort things out. It's one hour every week of month or what ever that can help out tremendously!

Okay, here is my two cents worth...

It sounds to me that you guys do not have any idea on how to communicate so the other hears you.
If you can't get to a counselor - the letter idea is a good one. Also, try picking up a book called "men are from mars, women from venus". I think they have a workbook sort of thing. You read it together.

In the mean time, when you start your conversations, avoid saying "you do this or that" or "you always or never". That puts a person on the defensive and you have lost your battle before it began. Try, "I feel like.."
If you feel yourself getting on the defensive - stop and count to 5 before you answer or respond. Or if it is getting to bad, take a break from the conversation, collect yourself and then return.

You must learn to communicate - it can and will affect every aspect of your marriage - including your sex life.

I agree with you we do have communication problems really bad one or the other os afraid to say anything out of fear of the other one getting mad,when he got off work tonight he went and bought us a notebook each so we could write the letter,but I am still concerned about our sex life when he said that when we did do it to him it was just sex and not making love anymore and he hopes we can get that back and in ways it made me feel like I was just a sex toy or something, is this normal when there is no intimacy and should I wait to do anything if he wants to?thanks

When there is no real intimacy in any other area of your life - the intimacy level in the bedroom can't exhist. At least, that is what I think. When my husband and I don't communicate it is very hard for me to turn it on in the bedroom. I can physically connect with him, sure, but that emotional connection isn't there.
So, I think, that if you learn how to communicate with each other outside of the bedroom, the intimacy level inside of the bedroom will return.
Don't be afraid to talk to each other, just choose your words wisely.
Bottom line, you want to be heard by one another, something in your delivery is preventing that.
Start doing little things that show him that you value him and love him. Those little things can turn into big rewards for both of you.

That makes sense,I am probably just over reacting,I try to show him I love him,I will leave him little I love you notes in his lunch sack and I just wished he would show a little at least a note(which he isn't the type to write notes)I guess I am just feeling a little lonely and hurt all at once,another thing I think has bothered me is I got up the other night at caught him looking at porn and I can't get over that is that normal?

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Originally Posted by chelle64014

thanks homegirl50,I am actually starting to write a letter now and my husband called me on his lunch breakand I talked to him abou it at first he was like well I aint good at letters and I said well can't you at least give it a try for us and he said yes so I think I got him to do that,Im just stuck on how the letter should start out everytime I try to write something it sounds weird to me lol...thank you for keeping us in your prayers

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Tell him you love and include positive things as well. Tell him you really want to get what you had back.

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Originally Posted by chelle64014

That makes sence,i am probably just over reacting,I try to show him I love him,I will leave him little I love you notes in his lunch sack and I just wished he would show a little at least a note(which he isnt the type to write notes)I guess I am just feeling a little lonely and hurt all at once,another thing I think has bothered me is I got up the other night at caught him looking at porn and I can't get over that is that normal?

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The porn thing would bother me too, as I am not into it. He has an addictive personality anyway with alcoholism and he could become addicted to porrn. Does he know you saw him?

How long has he been watching porn, do you know?
Maybe you can initiate sex with him. Also voice this concern in your letter to him, but in a loving way.
This is problem I have with some people watching this stuff. It's like a drug. It gets to where they need to have more outlandsih stuff to turn them on and their expectations about sex and women gets twisted

A lot of people will disagree with me on this, but to some extent, I think looking at porn is normal. Now, if it rules his life, then there is a problem. People watch movies all the time, with the internet, it is readily available. Should it bother you? I don't know - that is really up to how you feel on the whole thing.
I truly think men need to be held by the hand when it comes to romantic gestures. My husband doesn't always know what to do with that kind of thing. He has left me notes, but they are few and far between. I think I have kept every single note he has ever written. Can the same be said for him? Probably not.
You have to be as honest as you can be with what you need. If you were getting the desired attention in other areas, would you need a note? Probably not. So, don't sweat things like that. Just do what you can do, lead by example. Talk to him. Try your best not to be accusing when you are telling him what you need. He will get it, if you can talk to him in a way that will reach him.

Hi there he has watched it off and on we use to watch a movie sometimes (but I hated it,I only did it to see how it would help things)and I actually think he was going to this morning also but my son woke up.he doesn't know I saw him but I sort of hinted to him last night about when he typed something the porn word showed up and you can tell he looked embarrassed,I know we are having a lot of trouble and he won't make love to me,but this has just stumped me and I sit and wonder is there ever going to be an us again or is it going to be him and the screen.a friend of mine told me that where he said he didn't think of us as making love anymore he thought of it as just sex that I should leave because he doesn't feel the same way for me and probably never will that to him now I am just a sex toy,but then I think maybe just time will tell.. I don't want to leave him because I love him very much and he is a good man... how should I start this letter out and how should I put the porn thing in there?please help I am so confused,I have wasted so much paper on trying to figure this out when I asked him about making love was it because my little weight gain or what and he said when we first met I wasn't a skinny super model and he knew from my bones structures and all that I never would be and he didn't fall in love with me for that reason the reason was my personality

You should start your letter with how you feel. What is bothering you the most. Then work your way down. I would avoid giving him a letter filled with his faults. That will not get you a desired effect.

Should you leave? I don't think so. Marriages are HARD work. They aren't fairy tales that we watch on TV. It gets ugly. If you walk away because it's not all roses - you will never find true happiness.
That happiness will come when you go through the rough patch and come out the other side stronger and happier.

Thank you guys for talking to me and helping me out,this has really taking it toll on me,I can hardley sleep or eat when I do I just throw it up,I'm trying everything and all of your guys advices are helping so much,please keep them coming,I take my vows very serious for better or worse and right now we have hit the worse stage,I mean there is a part of me that wants to go then there is a part that wants to stay and then another part don't know what to do.that man I married is still there the loving guy one that hasn't abused me like in my past (exs)and I haven't spent 4 yrs of my life with him for nothing.

It sometimes feels easier to just walk away. That is why your heart is pulling at you. Just walk away and the heartache will be over. Well, that just isn't true. Natural, but not true.

And remember that it didn't get like this over night, it won't be fixed over night. The two of you have lost sight of each other. You have to do what ever you can to find each other.
I truly believe that if you can find a way to communicate with one another and learn to like each other again, the rest will fall into place.

I fill your pain and I will continue to pray for you.
Work on the letter. It does not have to be perfect, tell him what is on your heart. Tell him you love him and you are worried about the state of your marriage.
Ask him what you can do to make things better for him.
It would be good if you two could make the time for counseling again. He also needs to continue with AA. It may not be a bad idea for you to get counseling for yourself. Keep checking in here, we will encourage and help as much as we can.

I agree with you there when we said it was over and I should leave it like to have killed me and I didn't know what to do all I did was cry and feel numb .and then he came home from work to take my daughter to school cause she missed the bus and we just have one car he told me not to call and see if I could borrow money from my grand parents so I could get to Ga that we needed to talk and that's when we decided to give it another try.. talking about things we are getting better at and we are going to start writing,but sense I cought him with the porn I can't look at him that much,I want to tell him but then again I am scared to

Do you guys have a date night? If not, make that part of your routine. It can be tough, I know, but if you can get out and just go to dinner maybe twice a month, it can help.
We get so caught up in the daily grind, that we forget to do things like that.
There are days that I feel tied to my house, or I can't do this because of my daughter's schedule, but you have to STOP and breath. You can come up with a million reasons of why you can't do something. STOP THAT!
Arrange for a sitter, make a reservation at restaurant and MAKE it happen.
Do something fun, like go bowling or something. You will feel better at the end of the night.

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Originally Posted by chelle64014

but sence I cought him with the porn I can't look at him that much,I want to tell him but then again I am scared to

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If the porn thing is bothering you this much, then don't be afraid to talk to him. Again, the trick is to tell him how it made you feel. Not go in and be argumentative. Just something like this...
"hey, honey, I need to talk to you about something that is bothering me. The other day, I saw you on a porn site. And, because of what we are going through right now..it made me feel very insecure. Like I am not enough. I don't like feeling this way. I want to be enough for you so you don't feel like you have to go to those kinds of sites. I love you very much and I want you to be happy. I want to be the one that makes you happy. When I saw you looking at those other women, I felt like you wanted to be some where else. It scared me alot. I need reassurance from you. "

Something like that. Don't be afraid. I know you don't want a fight, but it doesn't always have to be one.

It does bother me and like I said I think he was going to again this morning because the site was up but he heard my son and shut it off.. I know he isn't cheating in that department I trust him because he never gave me a reason not to trust him and I do believe he doesn't want to make love to me because he wants it to be more than just sex to him.. I try to think of his needs but what do I do about mine?

Well, your needs are important, of course. Marriage, though, isn't always "what can you do for me". It is a give and take. If you give, chances are so will he.

Talk to him about it then. As NowWhat says, let him know how it makes you feel. Men are noy going to read your mind. If they don't know something bothers you unless you tell them. This can be a big obstacle and he needs to know how it makes you feel.
He says he wants more than sex, that is all porn is.
Maybe you guys can try no sex, just touching and kissing hugging, just being close to each other. Make it a game. Do this every night for a week. Learn to be intimate with each other.

I will try this,I know last night he was picking at me a little,a play thing we use to do,is that a good sign?

Try not to pick apart every action. (it's hard I know). Just enjoy your time. Those moments that give you a bit of hope.

OK I will try this and keep you guys posted on everything.. and like I said thank you very much you all have really helped me out and if you have anymore suggestions please leave them

Hi all thanks again for writing me and helping me out... well so far so good we are actually talking instead of yelling and fault finding,so far everything is going good we went out Saturday night which was great we are going to try to get out alone at least once a month,but please if anyone has any advice please leave it for me thanks again

That is really great news. Keep up the good work.
Making time for each other seems like such a simple thing to do. But, it isn't always that easy. I would put it on my calendar, just like you would for anything else that is coming up. Plus, you have something to look forward to.

And, Just keep talking.

Curious, but what do you do when your husband is not home? Sounds as if you have no friends, or hobbies to distract you when your at home. The worst thing we can do is tie our happiness to, our partners and expect them to change things. I think it starts with you being happy by yourself, and knowing yourself, and loving yourself. Only then can you love your spouse, and pay enough attention to know how to communicate, and learn how to work together. In your earlier posts, you make excuses as to not being able to find the time to build intimacy between the two of you. This happens when the two of you are not on the same page, and are not paying attention to the other because of your own needs that aren't being met. Intimacy comes when the two of you are communicating in a non-confrontational caring, honest way, and a simple hand on his arm during a shared moment speaks volumes. It takes a lot of time and practice to get on that level, but you can do it. First start with you having a life that you enjoy without his presence, and for gosh sakes a hobby, and some friends, would do your self-esteem wonders. I bet if you were happy, he would change his attitude, and there is no reason why you can't be happy with yourself, and learn to communicate that to your spouse. Things cannot change over night, but little by little you can make progress, if you pay attention, and are willing to do a little work.

talaniman made some good points. Great Advice.
Keep up the good work. Find things to do for yourself as well. Your happiness should not rest in his hands alone.

Hi talaniman.I just moved here in the kcmo area 3 months ago so I really don't have no friends yet,most of my friends are in Tennessee.I do call them and talk to them some or they will call me sometimes but that's about it,and as for hobbies you know in all honesty I don't have any anymore.. I use to like sitting and reading romance novels but I don't have time to do that anymore and I love going places also but there is only one car and he takes it to work,we are working on getting a second car so I can have one and I will be able to get out on my own without him ,I think the main reason that he takes me places is where I am not familiar with the Kansas city area yet,I have been going to this meeting that I think will help it is basically learning to deal with myself and how to deal with the surroundings around me.. I know that I have not helped this situation at all but I know I am not the only one that needs to change,but I am the one working the hardest to keep this marriage together... I do show my husband affection when he comes home from work I ask him how his day was and I give him a hug also and kiss,the intamicy between us is getting better,when we had intamicy again,my husband said that it felt like more than sex to him and he hopes it stays that way.. thanks you guys I love your alls advice

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I know I am not the only one that needs to change,but I am the one working the hardest to keep this marriage together...

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Relocation has to be hard on you both as adjustment will take time, Hang in there, and recognize you can change no one but yourself, and the fact that he is still there trying, is evidence that he is committed to do what he can. Maybe not in the way you want him to, but the best way he can. Talk, listen and help each other to work together.

Chelle. Remember why you two got together in the first place. Treat each other as the lovers you were then. All the time. No special occasion, all the time. Complaints and blame are very destructive to your marrige. We all mess up, big ways and small ways. Usually we are all too aware of our mistakes, it stings to have them pointed out constantly. Don't be critical. Bite your tongue. Make it a habit. In the interest of a calm and happy homelife, hopefully he will do the same.
Make time for yourselves. Even at home, tuck the kids in early once in a while, cuddle with your sweetie.
Talk to him about the porn, it should never take the place of your sex life, never be exposed to children.

I admit he is trying and he still gets his temper and is critical of himself and I try to talk tohim but then when he rambles on about other things I just keep my mouth shut.. I still have the letter in my notebook about the porn,he hasn't finished his letter yet so I haven't showed him that yet,I haven't seen him do it anymoreand in all honesty I am scared to mention it to him afraid of him getting angry and use getting into an argument... as far as the kids seeing the porn they never have.yes that's one thing working on myself and I am slowly working on that...