I was first giong to humorously add some pictures into the comedy section to honor MAXINE, who I think is so superbly done to aid those getting on in their years.

Instead of humor, I want to thank all of you for your support, comfort, warmth and backup throughout these almost 5 years. The part you allowed me on here as that of a conservative and lightly strict 'momma', a funny granny, a friend and cohort in schemes to hunt down fun and enlightenment, is a part that I will never forget and constantly be grateful for.

Unfortunately, there have been sad times and unexpected losses shared, These losses still reveal that there is no power we have to prevent events from happening as they will. YOU, have helped me stay strong throughout so much. And soon, I will join a good friend whom I had shared many phone conversations with and had so darned much in common with both in the past and our future plans. And, being in a hospital waiting room (so to say) was not one of those plans at all. My plans of being a guardian angel, being there when 'called' upon with candles and hoping to remain in my family's heart and memories is stronger than ever.

If this seems like it is dragging out, sorry, it is. The medication that I have been upgraded to is still not enough, but enough to make me just want to let so much out... so without further ado, I will send out the first of a few pictures and await your feedback.



Now, I feel like a little on the humor side of me that needs to express itself and these posts are what that sharing part of me will reveal.

Without further ado, the Defense Mechanism of my life continues..

Pictures follow... hope you can appreciate my desire to excape a little here.

Love,
Chery
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Look at all them wrinkles, Maxine. Bet I got more than you now. Took me long enough to stretch, lol.

OK, the apartment has been cleared, all my stuff gone. The only things left of mine are the material objects in this room. I did get to keep my TV, (no cable specials though), my VCR and two laptops to play around with.
My son in law provided the internet stick for me and it is super when I can get everything else working on the darned laptop.

Now, sometimes my posts here might be fuzzy, but that is because of medications not a bad screen. I took that extra step to chemo and radiation, paid for it badly, but will have to accept things as they are. Hope you stay with me as a life-saver from a ship when I need to vent, as scared as I am. I will also try and be here for you if my help is also needed. That's what friends are for.

I will talk about anything, and everything, probably on this thread and use that extra added support of your's frequently.

So, here we go for the test. Will send this link to the 'hospital' thread.

It took me a long time to adjust those pictures. I gained weight through munchies you would not believe, but now I am going to slow down a bit, I hope... don't need to get stuck in the chair and not get out again. LOL.

Speaking of the chair, you never even saw it yet... It has shock observers, smooth ride, royal blue. Behind me is part of the little old room I have to watch TV, eat, sleep, and communicate. Without this communication, I would absolutely go crazy, so please keep with me as long as you can..

Naturally, when I got into my new quarters, I had to personalize them a bit. So, I got a few gadgets, moved a few things to fit my needs, computer, etc.

Also got a few gadgets to help out. The lighting was bad, so I got lights that are real close and useful. One goes on the forehead - makes me look like a cave-granny - and Alex laughed when he saw the variations of lights going on there to include red lights, 4 bulbs and 8 bulbs and blinkers. I know he's going to have fun with these when he gets under his blanket to look at cats, dinos, and comics. Right now, he loves to look at his cat book. He tells me he loves Larry and that Larry is a good boy and a pretty cat. I ask him about Larry all the time and we have something in common to talk about - which warms me up all the time.

Then there is a gadget for the ear - super precise directional glow.

The other neet gadget is a seat cover that was exactly made for this old wheelchair. It covers the sides with a lapel with two pockets each, making it easy to tote things while wheeling around. So surprised when it got here and actually had the exact measurements and function capabilities.

Gosh I think this thread will wind up as a version of a diary when I get done,, but what better way to keep you and myself informed - as the medication erases a bit each time, and I am not ready to lose too much memories.

Jan, once you see the other pictures ahead, you will find that I have the small version from you here to constantly look at and bewonder over and over again. As you can see, Jaime is weary of doing so much work, and I hope she has a chance to recover soon.

Don't anyone of you be afraid to as questions and give advice... I need you all here with me o make things easier and soon my friends will find there way here easy enough.

Thanks again and again for that - and your love.

Hey:D I have one of those light head hat things! I found it on a beach in Hawaii 8 years ago and it still works. I use it for fun and entertainment and if I need to see something in the garden at night.:cool:

Nice crazy pics:)

Does it hurt:confused: :( (you said I could ask anything):o
Edit: I mean where and what are you feeling, I never understood

Here is a picture of myself and part of my family, I am on the right:)
I've seen your pics and I feel it's always nice to get a visual back.
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My Mother-in-Law, my Son and my Husband! Guess who's who.:rolleyes:

Edit: and I love your new thread (or what ever it's called)!

I posted this in the new thread:eek: Why is it here also:confused:
You would think after all this time I would know what I'm doing:rolleyes::o

Chery I have one of those "head" lights also. It was actually bought for my son, but I took it one night after a few drinks and had a good time with it. Made for some humor. Sadly it works great, really great.

I love your new thread. I love reading your story and seeing your pictures.

You said to ask questions, so for conversation sake what is it that scares you most. The other side, or leaving this side behind? Your family? Your friends?

Thanks for joining me here and not berating my choice in communicating my pains and gains in this manner.

Well 88sunflower and Just Dalia, as for the hurt, - yes and no. More of an emotional pain at the moments when I get short of breath and physical fear when the breath is so much out of me that it is scary as heck to feel that I might be in my room by myself, suffocating and in stress before someone comes hold me and to relieve me of the physical pain. Right now, the fear of being alone is the strongest. When the room is full of people, or just Jaime and I,

The mental pain falls in whenever it wants to and there is not much I can do, just that helpless feeling of passing and nobody there to hold me or comfort me into the next plane. I have always been fearful of drowning or demise in a burning environment. All I ever 'dreamed' of was falling asleep and never awakening... just that simple. But is it not. Believe me, it is not that simple. The things I think of while under this stress are the things that I forgot to do to comfort my family - it just seems that there is so much that I left out on life which I will not be able to catch up on.

But, then there is the hope of my strong belief that I will be there for them, to watch over Alexander ensuring that he has the protected arms and vibes from his 'Oma' right there. There has just been too much in life where my family was concerned that it turned out for the best with me just knowing about what is going on and dropping hints to change the subject and manner of a direction something is heading. I can contain this for others, but not myself. Ducky and I used to talk on the phone so long about this subject, to include laughing about things we would so such as give a party and spook those that had made our lives so difficult throughout the past. I never expected he to leave before myself - to have Nicky be without her before Larry... but look at what can turn around in life and you are left having to accept it as is.

Just like in a relationship between people, one always shows strength when needed, the other reserves for weaknesses to help the harmony that should be happening. I hope this made some sense, if not, then I am going to stay confused anyway, lol.

I don't know what is going on right now - medication not jumped in and pain located a little uncomfortly where the needle should be. The nurse will show up soon and the day will start - it is 6 AM now and I need relief of some sort. I will be back to enlighten you - and myself more later - as it does enlighten me to be able to talk about it and you can ask anything, as I said before. Can't promise my answers will make much sense, but knowing you, you will figure out what I mean to say and help me along the way, with all of your own experiences as well.

At this hospice (nursing home), we are left to our own pretty much and are as helpful as can possibly be. So, for now, I guess the fear stems from not knowing how much time will be left, the duration of the pressure it takes to finally be able to take that journey, just as in any other journey I have taken.

There are times when my posts will be short, and some very,very long - such as this one, and I am grateful to have your ears to listen and just be there for me - so never hesitate to ask or comment.

Going to close for now a bit and will be back later.

C.U. soon
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Well I'm not sure what happened to the time, but it is late for me and I have to go to bed:eek:
Thanks for answering my questions and I'll be back after a good nights sleep (hopefully):rolleyes:

Hope the sun is shining where you are at.:D

Good morning Chery. I hope your in good spirits this morning. If I were closer to you I would make it happen that someone is with you 24/7 so your not alone. I can't say I understand your feelings but I want you to know in prayers I am with you all day.

I love that your doing this thread. I think its wonderful for everyone here and yourself. I look forward to what your going to post. It's a time we can all reflect on our lives. A time we can be here while you reflect on yours.

Whatever it is your going to say I will be here for you. I will listen and I will respond.

Will continue to stay in touch after doing a few more pictures. There are 2 hours left on credit of this Stick again, and it will take me time re-allocate the stick and connect back, so it will probably be late.

Jaime came by and brought me some home-made cookies and other things. It takes about 45 minutes to 1 hour to make a one-way trip here and there is rarely a day missed. Bless my young-uns for being so supportive and caring.

As I said, don't hesitate to ask questions and I will do the best I can - relating to the issue that not too many people tend to converse about... Can't understand why, it is part of our daily existence which in a drop of life is sooooo short. I remember the good times as much as I can now and feeling it's a shame to waste. Most of the frustrating part of clearing the place is accomplished. I ask there whereabouts of a few things now and then out of memories and accept that they are gone now.. but still they cropped up and got worked on emotionally and physically getting there too.

C.U. later
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Home made cookies. Don't tell me they are chocolate chip or I may have to jump the first flight there. I may have to just do that for a cookie.

Well tell me about some of your favorite memories in life?
What were some of your biggest regrets?
If you could change one thing what would it be?

I guess just some things to talk about. I truly love reading what you have to say. Its been really good for me. So many people take each minute for granted. I know that myself I am guilty of that. Life is in a hurry to go no where and I hate that.

I didn't talk with you much before all this and I wish I could have. But I am so thankful for this chance now.

Hey chery... hope the drugs kicked in and your feeling OK.. sunny asked the question I was thinking about... your fondest memory...

You know.. I believe there are moments in our lives when we learn a lesson or know that we are in that moment and tresure it,later as time goes by we can still feel the memory of that moment...

In my own dark nights,its those moments that have given me comfort.

Its strange what we hope for and strive for in our youth,and always believe there is time.

I think regret is a terrible thing,or not forgiving... or even regretting that we did not forgive... thats what I hope for at the end of my life,that I will accept forgivness for my wrong doings and give forgivness.

I don't know what it is I'm trying to say here... im blabbering... going to have a smoke and a cup of coffee.

Hey red.
That was awesome, for lack of better words. I don't think you needed a point with what you said I think it made its own point. I liked it.

I really like this thread. Lol, awesome and funny pictures Momma C! :)

When talking about your memories, I can't help but remember the time when you mentioned being 'aggressed' :( (if that is the appropriate term). Still got your bat near the bed? ;)

I too like the direction to where this is going, sunflower, unknown and redhed. There are certainly more than just myself that have had, will have and are going through such drastic denial, pain and hope - they of course want to ask questions regarding of what illnesses. Either the emotional turmoil, the phsyial pain cannot be reduced at this point - it only excalates.

These of you in the same 'boat' don't need to come out, nor do you need to stay away because of the subject being too 'heavy'. Let it also out and use it to your advantage to deal with until the time comes.

It has taken me a long time to tell you about my pains and frustrations in a funny way to help me deal with it. I hope that explanations trough me can enlighten some of you and that you have a right to be just as scared to reveal. Im the last person you should take into consideration to be 'easy' on as this is no what will help me at all.

Will continue in a while as soon as I get my catheter adjusted and my temp took. It has reached a bit high today and all the windows are open - Jaime has complained of beig cold while I am boiling up here.

C.U. Soon

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Cya in better health Momma C! :)

I was just checking in and thinking of you.
Get that temp of yours down.
I am heading out to lunch now and hope to see you on when I return.

So many memories with my Momma C.

My favorite memory is when Starby and I decided to be little devils. I believe it was in the castle. Stringer was big brother, he stole Starby's dolly so we hid his socks and then told on him.

You sent us all off to bed without supper. ;)

I remember so many conversations with Starby about you, how much she loves you, how she wished she could meet you in person.

You've always been there for me Momma C. I know I haven't been there for you as much as I should be. It's so hard. I now you understand that. You remind me so much of my mother.

I love you so much and I'm glad that you started this thread.

Now to lighten things up a bit;

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Recharging internet stick and will be back, you. Edit - it did not take long this time as I have the hang of it now. This stick is my life-saver, letting me keep in touch with all of you and sharing again.
Sharing this particular fear with friends and those who also go through similar is doing a lot of good for me as I am scared as heck. Scared of finding myself all of a sudden short of breath, no nurse button, and nothing to throw at a wall to get attention. The staff here is superb. I get treated like a guest in a hotel, and my almost every wish is granted. I get to smoke in my room, when the oxygen is off and I regulate it. Have to admit that I use not as much as I should, but I don't like sitting here being bored when onxygen break prevents me from chatting. All I get to do then is lay down , feet up and watch the boring shows that have determined to make my life dreary with last season's re-runs. There are a few german shows on that are funny, but some reason, I cannot even stay tuned into them as thoughts of so much goes through my mind. Like, how is my family bearing under this pressure. What do they think about every time the phone rings, or when they call and my phone does not respond - do they wonder what I am doing or where I am now?
I also wonder how long a coughing session hangs on before going out on me the next time I have one and if it is going to be the last. Grrrr - life - there is such a thin line here right now that make one fear to move the wrong way.
I then find myself making notes asking Jaime what she did with particular material objects the last few days, even though I have no further use for them. These bring me down memory lane a lot. Today I took my jewelry out of the boxes and polished it remembering where I got each piece, the purpose and the one I want passed to whom. Oh, those memories. Did some more prints of Larry to hang up here and will do some more. Working with pictures of the family helps me smile and feel warm, despite the loss I have to go through there too, but I still have them, and the pictures of all of you - these keep me going and I actually talk to you over and over again, thanking you letting me share this with you. Starby and I talked a lot and laughed a lot, here and at home 'email'. I loved her jovial laughter and the excitement of seeing what her and Alty will come up with next on the Island, in the Castles, and to see what the 'boys' are coming up with the keep me busy.
If it were not for all of these, I would have gone nuts a long time ago.

Oops, now it's medicine rush time again, so beware of person changing to cotton-mouth Momma C with fuzzy thoughts of love and missing you all. So if these posts drag out, it is because I want to stay among your warm circle and not get lost just yet.

Will kick in again in a few minutes after giving the nurses and update of my 'actions' lately. Lol. What actions!

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Like, how is my family bearing under this pressure. What do they think about every time the phone rings, or when they call and my phone does not respond - do they wonder what I am doing or where I am now?

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I can answer this for you Momma C because I've been on the other end of the phone one too many times.

Their thoughts are with you, with how you're feeling, whether you're in pain. Every smile that you give them brings them joy, as it does us. Every day that you're doing good is a blessing to them and they will learn, probably already know, that each minute in life is important, special, not to be wasted. That is a gift you've given them and they will carry it with them always.

You are their light, you're ours as well. When that light goes out for you it will remain for us. At first it will be dim. We'll all feel like it's gone out, that the warmth is gone, but soon we'll remember everything we shared and that light will shine brighter then it ever did before. That too is a gift that you've given.

Your family will be fine, because you've given them the strength, nurturing and heart that they need to go on They will miss you every single day of their lives, but they'll also smile at the memories and in that way you will live on.

Jaimie is your immortality, as is little Alex and any other children that come along. You will be that angel, and they are the luckiest people in the world to have an angel like you, both now and after.

That is what's going through their minds. I know this to be true. :)

Thought of catching you up on the 'hotel' accommodations here - at least on the inside, in my room. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner come on time. I seem to have the munchies real bad at those time.. hmmmm a scheme of sorts? If so, keep it going as eating is a pleasure for the pallate and I plan to enjoy anything that brings me pleasure while it still can.
My favorite creation here at breakfast is two broetchen with sunflowers, sliced. Then we place butter on first, nutalla second, cream cheese and jelly on top of that. This creates four slices of superbly made cake. Soft and moist and just right right amount of flavor to make you want to have more. Since not much coffee in past years, I enjoy that too. Cappuccino with extra cream and neutrasweet. The rush from the medicine that is working on me is not hindering this lovely feast either.

Now I'm hungry.

Pass the Nutella and a spoon. :)

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Originally Posted by Chery

Thought of catching you up on the 'hotel' accomodations here - at least on the inside, in my room. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner come on time. I seem to have the munchies real bad at those time.. hmmmm a scheme of sorts? If so, keep it going as eating is a pleasure for the pallate and I plan to enjoy anything that brings me pleasure while it still can.
My favorite creation here at breakfast is two broetchen with sunflowers, sliced. Then we place butter on first, nutalla second, cream cheese and jelly on top of that. This creates four slices of superbly made cake. Soft and moist and just right right amount of flavor to make you want to have more. Since not much coffee in past years, I enjoy that too. Cappuccino with extra cream and neutrasweet. The rush from the medicine that is working on me is not hindering this lovely feast either.

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Love seeing you hon, you look seriously involved there... :)

Naturally, after a good breakfast like that, one needs to have a coffee and smoke.. You can notice that I gained weight - at least I do! The regular clothes are a bit tight, so I mostly site around in my grubbies, lol...

I will continue to add more pictures as I go along, and you keep that rapor going girls and boys.. Makes me feel right at home too. Rebby, your portrait is in these pictures to, all you have to do is find it and left me know where it is. You will receive several hits to your site this coming month, I promise. There just might be a problem hooking up to the link from my email address as there is a script error in it. The way to look at my pictures is through the link either I or you send - posting this thread.

More coming...

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Originally Posted by Chery

Naturally, after a good breakfast like that, one needs to have a coffee and smoke .. You can notice that I gained weight - at least I do! The regular clothes are a bit tight, so I mostly site around in my grubbies, lol...

I will continue to add more pictures as I go along, and you keep that rapor going girls and boys.. Makes me feel right at home too. Rebby, your portrait is in these pictures to, all you have to do is find it and left me know where it is. You will receive several hits to your site this coming month, I promise. There just might be a problem hooking up to the link from my email address as there is a script error in it. The way to look at my pictures is through the link either I or you send - posting this thread.

More coming...

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Wow! I love that smile!

The evening before was spent working on graphics to finish for today. I decided to change my make-up, hoping to look jokingly like Maxine to please myself and help you remember the funny days too. Since I don't know how far I can go with posting some of her pics, I restrict a bit there. Rebby said that I can share the portrait with you in an way, shape and form, and I decided to leave it as beautiful as it is - all you have to do is find it until I reveal it's full beauty.

So, please, if my get-up offends, let me know - it is not meant to, just to cheer me up - as funny as I'd really like to be...

I have to use PSP9 to edit the pictures, and then to upload, Picassa crops up to have the picture I chose to insert, there might be more of the same if I am not careful, but I am sure you will understand.

Notice that I included my fairies, one angel, and another angel from all of you will be posted as soon as she shows up. That angel I received while last in the hospital and she is absolutely beautiful - thanks ever so much, my MOSTEST. The are all so perfect and I am sure they are watching over me as I right.
Getting my gadgets out too to play with. Wish I found those lamps a lot sooner. I also found out how to manipulate camera to get resolution come out better.

Lol! Great Pictures! :) :) :)

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Originally Posted by Stringer

Wow! I love that smile!

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My thoughts exactly!:D

Chery, you are beautiful. :)

Did you know that your smile is contagious? I saw it and now I can't stop smiling.

Good morning-love your pics-and the new post.
Wishing you a good day.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

Chery, you are beautiful. :)

Did you know that your smile is contagious? I saw it and now I can't stop smiling.

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That was a rare thought at the moment to produce that smile too. Thanks for being here with me, cat.

Speaking of cats, going to concentrate on Larry some and see if I can get in some good ones of him since all I have to go on are the most recent pictures and he's not in my lap right now to show new ones. I miss that fella so much. His purring echoes in my ears still and the vibrations of his tummy when I stroke him make me want to cry at times, but I do have my memories to go by and they are yet pretty strong. Again, I am so glad that he is where he should be, with Jaime and Alex and Dan... being a good boy and enjoying the remainder of his years without stress. His stress level has gone down and he does not upchuck any more - which is a positive sign of comfort and care. I truly am a lucky girl in this scenario of life and hope it continues.

c. u. all later - working on his pictures now.
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Hi Chery, we haven't met yet but I have read a lot of your posts.
You really are an inspiration as others have said.

Love the photos, and I'm sure Larry misses you just as much but understands what is going on. Pets have somewhat of a sixth sense for knowing what is wrong with their masters.

Oh Chery I so agree with cat. That smile of yours is beautiful and stays with me all day.

Hope to see those pictures of Larry. I have to kitties of my own and they are beautiful. Homer and Marge. I will send pics when I can.

Chery, you're more than welcome to whatever support I can give. I have seen how much you have given and I am glad you are getting that support back.

I look forward to seeing more pictures of Larry and reading more stories about him. I don't know if it would help, but have you thought about writing down stories about Larry for Alex to read when he gets older.

Didn't hear from you today:)
Are you still updating your pictures?

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Originally Posted by Just Dahlia

Didn't hear from you today:)
Are you still updating your pictures?

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am working on the update and th e dumb pictures bringes, wich is getting harder to do

Hi, beautiful lady, if I could call you like that...
Wish you happy!

Thanks!