Thought: if fish lived in pepperwater... would they really sneeze (referencing my salt water fish joke)
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Thought: if fish lived in pepperwater... would they really sneeze (referencing my salt water fish joke)
I feel the same way, but if you can't beat them, join them.Quote:
Originally Posted by J_9
Sigh.
Love is not having to write out why you're in love. The end. ;)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
first time I bought tampons for a girl...
I'm in HS... dating the girl who is now forever known and The Evil Jen... tho' really, I think my divorcée ex outdid her and then some... off topic...
so the Evil Jen needs some girl supplies and I go. Fine. I'm fine with it.
so I go to get the tampons and I'm immediately overwhelmed by the selection process. Pink? Blue? Wings? Heavy?.
so I pick and run with it. I figure being dumb and wrong and trying is better than anything else...
...
an aside... that, right there, is the cause of at least ten years of later frustration and angst... jus' saying...
...
back to scene...
so I decide, after grabbing the box, that itd be less conspicuous if I had a few other things in the cart. You know... pads, popcorn, pepsi, and peanut m&ms...
so I stroll up and lay it all out. Ready to pay and roll and what do I hear?
"price check. aisle four. kotex regular maxi's"
...
no f'ing way. At this point, I could just die. I mean just charge me three times the market value of a pad... I don't care.
there's three people behind me and you want to see if I can save a buck or less on my snotty gf's pads?
seriously. Some things are worth paying an extra dime for...
=P
THAT is hilarious!Quote:
Originally Posted by kp2171
My dad won't even drive me or mum to the store if we plan to buy pads or tampons
The first time R went out to buy me pads was after Jared was born. I don't normally wear pads, but because I just had a baby, tampons weren't an option.
So I send the poor man out, and I have no idea what to tell him to buy. I don't know the brand names, or sizes, or anything, because I never use them. I just gave him the simple instructions "Get the biggest, least sticky ones you can find".
The man came back with four bags of pads. Apparently, when he got to the store, he was so overwhelmed by the selection, and didn't want to ask anyone for help, so he just took one of each.
I don't think adding anything to the cart would have helped, seeing as there were around 25 boxes of pads in the cart.
Now that's love. :)
At this point in my life... I no longer give a damn.
Glad to be the sorry jerk who is whipped enough to buy his girl whatever product is needed because... well... you know... planning for the INEVITABLE is just silly talk.
Like budgeting for gasoline for the car.
WHO KNOWS when I might be needed? Lets just take it day by day...
...
k.
Sorry. That was isome.
I know. I know. We boys put off the need to get something of immediate concern just as often.
Who knew that id need to shave today? And use deoderant? Again? Today?
Life is simple and complicated all at once.
I completely get this.Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
Back then, I wanted to look inconspicuous.
Now.. I want to be done.
More than glad to spend an extra 30 or 40 now just to have to return most of it... and explain how "is there anything wrong with it" is answered by "nah... im just an arse with a girl and i want to get laid eventually"...
LOL! KP, I do usually plan, and I did buy products for after Jared was born, but I had no idea what type to buy, and the ones I bought weren't adequate.
So I got home, in pain, new baby, realized that the pads I had bought wouldn't cut it. If I could have gone myself, I would have, but a lot of stitches in my girlie parts, pain killers wearing off, baby wanting to be fed, well I just wasn't up to a trip to Walmart. ;)
When I had Sydney I planned ahead. I stole the pads from the hospital. They really are the best for after giving birth.
TMI?
Are all the boys cringing yet, or do I need to be more graphic? ;)
Time for this chickadee to hit the hay.
I'm exhausted. I spent the entire afternoon deep cleaning my kitchen. Not just a wipe down, but taking everything out of the cabinets, washing them down, above the cabinets too, the cabinet doors got bleached, the floor got scrubbed (on my hands and knees) and now I have a headache and sore knees, so I think I'll go to sleep.
Night all. Dream about me, I know I'll dream about you, or scrubbing floors. It's a toss up. ;)
Irony of my life...
My son was conceived after we'd been to sams club and bought a quarter of a years worth of tampons...
Love my kid.
Now have a fear of having "too much" feminine products in the house... as if that lead to the pregnancy...
... but seriously... I don't care how much you'll save.
Ixnay on the ostcovay and amssay lubcay saving you dead presidents on the girlie products...
Life is what happens when you are planning...
Oops.
Outtie too.
My hubby and his co-workers have some kind of juvenile game going on involving doctoring and stealing each others food supplies. Nothing dangerous - things like taking a mallet to someone's supply of crunchie bars so they get packets of crumbs. Carefully removing a choc bar and resealing the wrapper with pens inside. Stupid stuff. He came home last night miffed because someone had put tea leaves into his coffee jar so he couldn't have a decent coffee all day.
He was trying to think of his next move. I suggested tampons dipped in beetroot juice. Apparently I'm way too evil lol. :D
Its so subtly evil, yet pure genious :DQuote:
Originally Posted by QLP
I can beat that! :eek:Quote:
Originally Posted by kp2171
A friend of mine is a green beret in the army. He was stationed in Iraq during Shock and Awe. His troops needed some items... specifically condoms. Well, since Iraq was a "no sex zone" and he couldn't ask his wife... and my husband's gun shop was supplying them with gear they could not get from the government, Randy asked my hubby to get him some condoms...
You see, at that time the military could not buy condoms in gross in Iraq. Why in gross you ask?
Condoms come in handy to cover the barrel of a gun during a sand storm.
Well, my darling husband asks me to go to the pharmacy to buy as many unlubricated condoms as the store has in stock.
I have the company credit card.
I arrive at the check out...
Now mind you I am from a very small town and come from a VERY influential family. The pharmacist is my in-law's next door neighbor.
So, there's no one in line at the check out but little 'ole me. I plop the basket full of condoms on the counter. Lo and behold the lady at the check out was one of the nosy busybodies of our church and she looked at me with astonishment.
I just grinned and blushed.
She swiped the credit card...
It did not read.
Three people now in line behind me.
She swipes the card again and it still doesn't read.
Now, our Mayor (he's also our veterinarian) is in line and recognizes me. He comes up to me, shakes my hand and asks how my in-laws are doing. I'm trying to position myself between him and my "merchandise" when he sees what I have on the counter. His eyes get wide. Then he asks...
What have you got there Janine?
My reply? "Ummm, just some condoms for a friend." It was then I realized how that sounded. He looked at me with wide eyes.
I tried to explain that condoms are important to put on the barrel of a gun. :eek:
I still have not lived that day down and the troop we sent them too had a great laugh and many of them came to shake my hand when they came home. They awarded me with Iraqi money with Sadam's picture on it as well as a medal for going above and beyond my duties as a civilian.
TRUE STORY!
:d:d:dQuote:
Originally Posted by j_9
You are so bad, but beetroot juice won't work. Red jello would work better. That is my evil best :DQuote:
Originally Posted by QLP
Tick
Here here... I live in a small town of about 5000 and yes that's what they do. It is so bloody irritating coming home at 0500 from a client and I am sitting at a light five minutes from my home (when I have had all green lights all the way) and there is no alternative. It would be just my luck to get caught if I ran it.Quote:
Originally Posted by DoulaLC
Tick
J... showed my sister your story about the condoms... She's still laughing.
I think you may be even more evil than me. You've obviously thought that through lol.Quote:
Originally Posted by tickle
J - Loving the condom story too. :D
***rubbing hands and cackling with glee**** you should see my pic you would understand completely how evil I am... mmmmwawawawahhhhhhhaaaa... :DQuote:
Originally Posted by QLP
Have you put a pic on somewhere? I would love the link if you have. I'm so nosey...Quote:
Originally Posted by tickle
Here's one from me to KP...
YouTube - Silk - Freak Me
Freaking hilarious J!
Quote:
Originally Posted by J_9
Yowza... he'll blush.:D
One of my first jobs was at a groccery store. I was a cashier and this SUPER hot guy came in, with he perhaps the largest box of Trojans I have ever seen. Of course it doesn't scan. I call on the loud phone for a price check, thinking the guys would come up and ask me what I needed. Nope they called back, and asked what the product was. There was a HUGE line up, I have to go into detail about what type, brand flavor, color, super sensitive, ribbed for double her pleasure... The guy I was asking was a good friend of mine from school, but I died a little in side.
I seriously doubt that. LOL:pQuote:
Originally Posted by Kitkat22
two asides to that aside...Quote:
Originally Posted by J_9
Used to run a lab early in first semester that involved beer. I mean, if you want to get younger-than-20-somethings interested in lab at 8am, beer isn't a bad way to go.
Basically, they'd distill it and test the distillate and see how the process could determine the rough alcohol content of the beer. Yes... that info is on the box, but I was trying to teach a separation technique to a bunch of uninterested kids... so... smoke what 'cha got.
So in prep for that week id hit the grocery store. Buy cases and cases of beer. Tell the wide-eyed clerk "its for a chem lab"...
The look I'd get was "riiiiighhhht"... a bunch o beer bought on the weekend for a lab experiment. Like that isn't used ALL THE TIME"...
Second one... a play off the first...
I'm running Da Beer Lab about an hour in... the distillations are setup... things are hot and heavy. Not a lot of time to do much else right now but pay attention. Cleanup is at the end.
Well... all to hell... wouldn't you know a campus tour comes through the wing. And my labs, being newly remodelled, are often a point of interest.
So... its an odd moment to be in a lab when an inpromptu tour comes through... with ten sets o' parents looking worried about the beer cans all over the lab... and their respective kids... looking like the school just jumped a notch higher on their party school rating list...
Ja had to be there.
Though to be honest... it was the cheapest darn beer available...
The condoms cracked me up... I can picture it... :DQuote:
Originally Posted by kp2171
Smiles your way...Quote:
Originally Posted by J_9
But I don't agree with their technique.
Licking up and down is just way too one dimensional and ignores a whole lot o' other aspects.
At least for the guy helping out the girl.
Agree.
'nother condom story.
Good friend is in town. She's cute. Too good for her own good. Plays by the rules and played by arses whove done her wrong.
So... she's in town and doing business daytime, playing at the bar at night. So one night she gets hit on, apparently (I wasn't out that night), by a younger, cute guy.
Things heat up. She goes to her room. Her girlfriend gives the guy her room number. He goes. She is thrilled.
It gets really hot and there's the moment of no turning back. But... a... pause...
She doesn't have BC... he doesn't either (FIDIOT!)... so... what next?
They check out the hotel desk. Nope.
... now... why on Gods Green Earth shouldn't there be at least three federal laws governing the stock of birth control at hotels is beyond me...
So... they run from the lobby to closed store to closed store..
An hour and change later... they decide its just better to say goodnight and walk separate ways.
So... always remember... you are in charge of your own BC... hotel lobbys aren't always there for you... and don't start something you can't finish, boys.
What about the girl helping out the guy?Quote:
Originally Posted by kp2171
Haha been there, done that.
Going to cry myself to sleep now.Quote:
Originally Posted by kp2171
Firm grip. Patient pace. Second hand engaging "peripheral" interests. Confusion is good.
Different angles give different feelings.
...
Awesome...
...
Uhm...
...
Two lines in on a post and blood is diverted from me brain.
Its awesome never growing older than 16...
K, time for a cold shower. See you guys in 10.
Continue.Quote:
Originally Posted by kp2171
In detail please.
Leave nothing out.
Not. One. Thing!
Thanks. :)
I've said this before, ad nauseum...Quote:
Originally Posted by J_9
Women get the short stick concerning sex.
Why?
Because, in my experience, one woman can be SO DIFFERENTLY wired than the next concerning oral...
The things by lover before the last one absolutely went nuts for... the last one HATED.
I've rarely had a bad andhay objay... and even the bad ones were worth it.
However, I know I've given lousy oral... either by youthful ignorance... bad info... or just not enough time to understand the woman.
Hell... it was six years into my last relationship when I discovered a couple of things that made oral give her orgasms damn near all the time instead of some of the time. It wasn't like I wasn't informed or paying attention or interested...
... just an "aha" moment...
...
Damned if I could take those orgasms back... sorry... bitter divorce moment there. ;)
Smiley face icons make everything o-tay.
Send them over here. Pretty please.Quote:
damned if I could take those orgasms back
Lately my shower head and I have formed a very intimate relationship. Hubby, nights, money stress, kids, illness, it makes for a very frustrating sex life. TMI?
So F.R.E.D. the shower head is about the only action I've been getting lately. He's okay, but the conversation is lousy, and he's cold, not a romantic, doesn't ever hold me after. All in all, he's a cheap thrill.
I'd be thrilled if someone would just farking hug me without me asking. :(
Sorry. I had a moment there too. KP, meet me in the moment room. Let's get this out of our system.
Just not that simple as to script it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
The only constants I can give are I like the edge of the bed, a pillow under her rear for the right angle...
After that, its all about that particular girl...
The only constant I might say is Don't go to the cl!toris until she damn near pulls you there.
And boys, including me, often don't take the time to take the time to get to that point...
Sexual tension is good, and requires patience and deliberate playfullness.
k.
Really wanting pad thai right now...
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