An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE:

JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

YOUR LOVING HUSBAND

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE

> The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from
The city's most successful lawyer.
>
> So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish
Office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows
That even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you
Don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back
To your community through the United Way?'
>
> The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research
Also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and
She has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?
>
> Embarrassed, the United Way Rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know
That.'
>
> 'Secondly, 'says the lawyer, 'my brother, a disabled veteran, is
Blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife
And six children.'
>
> The stricken United Way Rep begins to stammer an apology...
>
> 'Third, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died
In dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and
Three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning
Disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
>
> The humiliated United Way Rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so
Sorry, I had no idea.'
>
> And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what
makes you think I'd give any to you?'

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Are you at someone elses computer laughing your a$$ off? Hee, hee, I can just picture it. :)

---

LOL... I am actually , I wondered why they were looking at me funny :) I'm supposed to be streesing out fixing everyone's PC's :rolleyes:

Women... are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
Tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
Afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the
Apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the
Top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're
Amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one
Who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up
to women to stomp the out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by friend4u178

LOL......I am actually , I wondered why they were looking at me funny :) I'm supposed to be streesing out fixing everyone's PC's :rolleyes:

---

They probably think you're that evil boss that is sitting in front of his computer and doing the Muwahahahaha laugh, as you are figuring out how to somehow deduct the down time from their paychecks! :eek: :D

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.


He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.


Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.


"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.


They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.


After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.


They had a wonderful, wonderful time.


The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!


"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "


"No, " she replies. . . . . "



Wait for it. .



It's coming.




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?


She says:


"You just happened to catch my eye."

Did you give me that virus M? Now my puter is acting strange. Grrr, and I spent 2 hours trying to fix it this afternoon, it was doing fine, now all of a sudden it's acting up. :( You know I'm kidding, right, I know it's not your fault. My puter has been acting up for the last few days, I think it's Starby's fault. ;)

I'm going to go do a virus scan, see what's going on. Then I'm going to hit the sack, and the computer if it doesn't smarten up. ;)

Night boys, take care. Stringer, I enjoyed joke night. :)

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name. "Stanley,"
Responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:

"First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
"Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
"Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
"Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that
They
Will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right,question
time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Bush points him out and asks him his
Name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions:

"First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
"Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
"Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
"Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?
"Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"And sixth, what happened to Stanley?"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Did you give me that virus M? Now my puter is acting strange. Grrr, and I spent 2 hours trying to fix it this afternoon, it was doing fine, now all of a sudden it's acting up. :( You know I'm kidding, right, I know it's not your fault. My puter has been acting up for the last few days, I think it's Starby's fault. ;)

I'm going to go do a virus scan, see what's going on. Then I'm going to hit the sack, and the computer if it doesn't smarten up. ;)

Night boys, take care. Stringer, I enjoyed joke night. :)

---

I didn't do anyting to yer puter! You not going to say night to me? :( ::sniff sniff::

G'nitey Night!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Did you give me that virus M? Now my puter is acting strange. Grrr, and I spent 2 hours trying to fix it this afternoon, it was doing fine, now all of a sudden it's acting up. :( You know I'm kidding, right, I know it's not your fault. My puter has been acting up for the last few days, I think it's Starby's fault. ;)

I'm going to go do a virus scan, see what's going on. Then I'm going to hit the sack, and the computer if it doesn't smarten up. ;)

Night boys, take care. Stringer, I enjoyed joke night. :)

---

G-night alty

What's the difference?

A group of kids from the city was on a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm.

First, the farmer asks one little girl,
"What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hens lay eggs, then the rooster brags about it."

"Very good!"

Then the farmer asked another little girl,

"What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"

"Well, ducks are a bunch of soggy quackers....
turkeys are what we eat on Thanksgiving Day."

"Excellent!"

Then he asks little Johnny,

"Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yep, I sure do!"

"Bulls smile when you milk 'em."

Hahaha! Sounds like a TRUE "Bush" story!

RE: THE NAVY
>
> A young Navy Officer was in a bad car accident, but due to the
>heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of
>one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the
>military and eventually became an Admiral. During his career he was; always sensitive about his appearance.
>
> One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the
>Command Master Chief position.
>
> The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type an d it was a
>great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do
>you notice anything different about me?"
>
> The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice
>you are missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this
>impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this
>lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
>
> The next candidate, a Aviation Service Master Chief, when asked
>this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."
>The Admiral threw him out also.
>
> The third interview was with an Submarine Master Chief. He was
>articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two
>Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead
>with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
>
> To his surprise the Submarine Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear
>contact lenses."
>
> The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an
>incredibly tactful Master Chief. "And how do you know that?" the
>Admiral asked.
>
> The Submarine Master Chief replied, "Well it's pretty hard to
>wear glasses with only one f**king ear."

"Soggy quacker???"... I thought those were the saltines you put in soup!

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

To the sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

For the sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And...

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you go in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by starbuck8

"Soggy quacker???"...........................I thought those were the saltines you put in soup!!

---

Oooooooooooppps? sorry, no.:rolleyes:

The Value of a Good Drink


"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
Dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
Happened to your bra and panties
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by starbuck8

They probably think you're that evil boss that is sitting in front of his computer and doing the Muwahahahaha laugh, as you are figuring out how to somehow deduct the down time from their paychecks!! :eek: :D

---

HA hA... now there's an idea starby ;)


Stringer , your on a roll here!!

I've always like the... 24 hrs in a day... 24 beer in a case... coincidence?. I think not! Has to be in my top one hundred! LOL