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Alty · Jul 18, 2010, 12:42 AM

This is meant to be funny, no offense meant. I hope you enjoy it. :)

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a U.S. radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a U.S. resident, which was posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan.

Catsmine · Jul 18, 2010, 02:10 AM

I love it. Then again sacriledge has always been one of my favorite sports.

Just_Another_Lemming · Jul 18, 2010, 06:00 AM

LOL! I second Catsmine's response: I LOVE IT!

Made my morning. Thanks Alty!

popdaddy121 · Jul 18, 2010, 07:30 AM

Anyone that believes Leviticus is not a true believer in god. This part of the bible was written by a emperor 300 years after the old testament was put together. SO GAYS TO STAY.

Catsmine · Jul 18, 2010, 10:33 AM

Originally Posted by popdaddy121

anyone that believes Leviticus is not a true believer in god. This part of the bible was written by a emperor 300 years after the old testament was put together. SO GAYS TO STAY.

All of it has been revised at least half a dozen times.

Wondergirl · Jul 18, 2010, 10:40 AM

I've always wanted to own a Canadian, but never realized the Bible gives me the right. Will a Canadian do windows?

Leviticus was written c.1440 B.C. around the time the Hebrews were wandering in the wilderness. (What else did Moses have to do during those 40 years?)

Thanks, Alty. Got to save that one to sneak onto the Christianity board.

Catsmine · Jul 18, 2010, 10:49 AM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I've always wanted to own a Canadian, but never realized the Bible gives me the right. Will a Canadian do windows?

Thanks, Alty. Gotta save that one to sneak onto the Christianity board.

Which Canadian do you want? Alty or Bella? I'll take the other.

Wondergirl · Jul 18, 2010, 10:53 AM

Originally Posted by Catsmine

Which Canadian do you want? Alty or Bella? I'll take the other.

I'm thinking Alty. I've always wanted to own a herd (flock?) of rabbits, so she could be my rabbit-tender. Or Jesushelper might be a good one for home repairs and upkeep. Do any of them cook?

Just_Another_Lemming · Jul 18, 2010, 11:21 AM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Leviticus was written c.1440 B.C., around the time the Hebrews were wandering in the wilderness. (What else did Moses have to do during those 40 years?)

Yes, one can only part the Red Sea and review the 10 Commandments so many times before it becomes old hat and rather boring.

Just_Another_Lemming · Jul 18, 2010, 11:25 AM

Cats & WG, I can't believe you both are contemplating slavery for 3 members here! Shameful.

Someone forgot to add NeedKarma to the mix.

Wondergirl · Jul 18, 2010, 11:29 AM

Originally Posted by Just_Another_Lemming

Someone forgot to add NeedKarma to the mix.

Wow! Forgot about NK! I could house him and Jesushelper in the same cabin, and they could entertain us and each other with duels on divinity!

Wondergirl · Jul 18, 2010, 11:33 AM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Fr_Chuck agrees : They are too used to the cold weather up north and would never work good in the south

You've been getting ice storms these past winters. We could send them down there to you during future ones for a work-release vacation. Could you use the help? Alty plays the accordion. Maybe she could accompany Lady Toni on a future album.

NeedKarma · Jul 18, 2010, 11:41 AM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Wow! Forgot about NK! I could house him and Jesushelper in the same cabin, and they could entertain us and each other with duels on divinity!

Jesushelper and I get along great, must be that Maritimer influence. :)

Alty · Jul 18, 2010, 01:46 PM

Remember kids, I'm not a Canadian, I only live in Canada, so I'm exempt from being a "Canadian" slave. :D :cool:

Wondergirl · Jul 18, 2010, 01:58 PM

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Remember kids, I'm not a Canadian

What are you then, really?

Alty · Jul 18, 2010, 02:26 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

What are you then, really?

German sweetie, and I've got the paperwork to prove it. :cool:

Wondergirl · Jul 18, 2010, 02:36 PM

Originally Posted by Altenweg

German sweetie, and I've got the paperwork to prove it. :cool:

You're an illegal immigrant? You never became a Canadian citizen? ARE YOU ON THE RUN? :eek:

NeedKarma · Jul 18, 2010, 02:56 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You're an illegal immigrant? You never became a Canadian citizen? ARE YOU ON THE RUN? :eek:

See, that's not even a big issue for us Canadians. :) Welcome Alty.

Catsmine · Jul 18, 2010, 04:23 PM

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Remember kids, I'm not a Canadian, I only live in Canada, so I'm exempt from being a "Canadian" slave. :D :cool:

Can I still keep Bella?

Just Dahlia · Jul 18, 2010, 05:01 PM

Originally Posted by Catsmine

Can I still keep Bella?

I'm thinking I might need Bella, she sounds like she is very handy:D

So maybe Auction?