Ask Me Help Desk - Dirty Christmas Jokes

Dirty Christmas Jokes

Hi, All!

Okay, not that dirty... But, it got your attention, didn't it? :D

Here's an old, traditional one that's posted all over the Internet in a number of different versions.

Santa's Bad Day

Or...

Why Do We Put An Angel on Top of the Christmas Tree?

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress...

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had drunk all the liquor with there not even being a drop left to drink!

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

What are some of your favorites? Please keep it clean, if you know what I mean! ;)

Thanks! :)

Oh... that was so bad! Santa doesn't drink, does he? And the poor little Angel:(
Too Funny:D I loved it!

I read that a while ago... I forgot where...
Still, funny, but it's sad what happened to the angel.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just Dahlia

Oh...that was so bad! Santa doesn't drink, does he? and the poor little Angel:(
Too Funny:D I loved it!

Hey, it gets cold up there in the sky! But, I'm sure that his drinking has had an influence on the actions of his elves! :eek:

Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Unknown008

I read that a while ago... I forgot where...
Still, funny, but it's sad what happened to the angel.

It would seem that the angel comes "alive" every Christmas all over the world, and appears in all sorts of different colors and shapes!

Must be a truly divine manefestation to be able to appear in that many places all at once!

Her fame and appearance will live on forever! :D

Kind of tough how she got the job, though! :eek:

Thanks!

Ha ha!
That reminded me I need to buy a new angel-or maybe Santa will help me out.. .

Hi, amicon!

I'm sure that Santa would love to help you out! After all, he's still having some personal problems, and is very frustrated...

Thanks!

Poor Santa! Has he posted here yet? :-)

I just got an email from Santa. He said he's sorry what he did to the angel with the tree. Next year he promises to be good.

Entering Heaven

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a skimpy pair of women's underwear.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

Both brilliant :D

Christmas Gifts

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart at Christmas and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with thembefore I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Christmas Gifts

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart at Christmas and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with thembefore I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

That's just not right:rolleyes:

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the d1ck goes underneath the horse, not on top."

THE TOP 15 SIGNS SANTA CLAUS IS ACTUALLY A
WOMAN
15. Santa *remembers* it's Christmas. 'Nuf said.
14. Reads children's letters in office instead of in bathroom.
13. Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem!
12. Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, “Regis and Santa Lee.”
11. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still*
Insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
10. “Mrs. Claus” wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a '68 El
Camino.
9. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
8. Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
7. Bowl full of jelly, my . It's water retention.
6. Constantly whining about equality until it's time to clean out the
Reindeer stalls.
5. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!
4. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
3. Santa never, ever observed peeing off rooftops.
2. The North Pole Blockbuster's been out of “The Horse Whisperer” for
Weeks.
1. With the way they build chimneys these days you'd *have* to be Calista friggin' Flockhart just to get in!

Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa
Looked around for a moment, then hollered “No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!”

I think that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls
Live.

Q: Do you know why Santa dosen't have any children ?
A: he only comes once a year and that's down a chimney.

WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN
A Christmas tree is always erect.
Even small ones give satisfaction.
A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
A Christmas tree has cute balls.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't
10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!
7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
6. Lift the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

SANTA'S PICK UP LINES
Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
I know when you`ve been bad or good — so let's skip the small talk, sister!
Some of my best toys run on batteries… <wink wink>
I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do
You?
Screw the “nice” list — I've got you on my “nice AND naughty” list!
Want to join the “Mile High” club?
That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I'm just glad to see you!

Is there a Santa Claus? - a physicist view
Consider the following:
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of
Living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and
Germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has
Ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since
Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist
Children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according
To Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per
Household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good
Child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
Time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical).

This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each
Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park,
Hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute
The remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get
Back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next
House.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around
The earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our
Calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household,
A total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us
Must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding , etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
Times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made
Vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
Second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that
Each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the
Sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
Described as overweight.

On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even
Granting that 'flying reindeer' (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal
Amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.

We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the
Weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four
Times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
Resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft
Re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3
QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the
Reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The
Entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times
Greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be
Pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.> In
Conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead
Now.

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? Santa Clues.. .

Quote:

Originally Posted by friend4u178

Entering Heaven

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a skimpy pair of women's underwear.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

That was great! I didn't expect that, friend4u178!

Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by amicon

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? Santa Clues. . . . .

Now, that's the kind of joke that someone like me can understand... :cool:

Thanks, amicon!

Quote:

Originally Posted by friend4u178

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the d1ck goes underneath the horse, not on top."

This is getting borderline here. But, it's a great joke, none-the-less! :D

Thanks!

Nice one guys, keep 'em coming :D

Quote:

Originally Posted by shazamataz

Nice one guys, keep 'em coming :D

And where is your contribution young lady :D

I'm the one who sits in the back chuckling to herself like a crazy person ;)

Shazzy, stop the evil laughter, it's freaking me out!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Shazzy, stop the evil laughter, it's freaking me out!

I can hear her too! :eek:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough

I can hear her too! :eek:

:eek:

Clough, we're in trouble. I thought she was just in my head, if she's in yours too then we either share a brain or we can really hear her.

I want to hide now! :eek:

What, you mean you heard that too! Now... that's strange... ::gulp:: :eek:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Unknown008

What, you mean you heard that too!? Now... that's strange... ::gulp:: :eek:

You too, Jerry! :confused:

if it makes you feel ant better, the only voices in my head have been there for years ^_~

I won't post it here because because of the language that's used. I can't even fix it up so that it will work. But, you out of check out "The Office Party" which is about 3/4's of the way down the page on the following site.

12 Mature Jokes of Christmas - The Anti-Boredom Team

Thanks!

Merry Xmas and all the best,

Seems that hheath got there before and that's where she got the few extracts she posted on this thread earlier. :)

yep ^_^

I know it is late but here is one:

Why did Santa get arrested?

He got caught laying Barbie under the christmas tree.

Quote:

Originally Posted by adam_89

I know it is late but here is one:

Why did Sant get arrested?

He got caught laying Barbie under the christmas tree.

Hi, adam_89!

Subtle, but good! :)

Thanks!

Ole king cole was a merry old soul, with a buckskin stomach and a rubber a$$ hole.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unluckynut

ole king cole was a merry old soul, with a buckskin stomach and a rubber a$$ hole.

:confused: is that a poem? :confused:

Quote:

Originally Posted by unluckynut
Ole king cole was a merry old soul, with a buckskin stomach and a rubber a$$ hole.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Unknown008

:confused: is that a poem? :confused:

Could be. Hard to tell...

Thanks!

Oh, Happy New Year Clough! :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR to you too, Jerry! :)

How beautiful! Thank-you for sharing that,put a smile on this old hags face :)