THE WEDDING NIGHT

Paul and Mary get married
But couldn't afford a honeymoon -
So they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house
For their first night together.

In the morning
Johnny - Paul's little brother -
Gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door
To go to school - he asks his mom
If Paul and Mary are up yet.

She replies - No.

Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?

His mom replies - I don't want to hear
What you think !

Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch
And asks his mom -
Are Paul and Mary up yet ?

She replies - No.

Johnny says - Do you know what I think ?

His mom replies - Never mind what you think !

Eat your lunch and go back to school..

After school - Johnny comes home and asks again -
Are Paul and Mary up yet ?

His mom says - No.

He asks - Do you know what I think ?

His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think

He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the
Vaseline and I think..

I gave him my airplane glue.

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks..

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.

We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair

Poor little kid

That was great!:D

Thanks. I thought it was hilarious and wanted to share it. Hope others like it too.

Poor father too.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she

Very funny.

Thank You Twinkie. Glad you enjoyed it

Ha Ha... very good Adam , loved it :)


Speaking of weddings , if Claudia Schiffer married Brains from the Thunderbirds would that make her Claudia Schiffer-Brains ?

Now that was funny Friend

Not to funny, but I thought I would post anyway, so don't judge my humor over this.

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic
Slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
Chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.



So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office
And said, "You've got to do something about all
of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."



"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
Go out and erected a sign that said:


SLOW:

SCHOOL CROSSING


Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
And said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
Workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW:

CHILDREN AT PLAY




That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
And called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.."
He was going to let Farmer John do just about
Anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.



The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the
Sheriff so he decided to give Farmer John a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
Himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
look at that sign... it might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."





So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
And his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:


NUDIST COLONY

Go slow and watch out for chicks!

Works for me. :)

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 01P.M.


And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,


Dust,


And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.


Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.


Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.


Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.


At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,


He cleaned the kitchen,


Ran the dishwasher,


Folded laundry,


Bathed the kids,


And put them to bed.


At 09 P.M .


He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.


I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.


Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.


Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:


'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.

I have to thank you for the trip down memory lane. I am suddenly having flashbacks to getting this in emails from friends who kept forwarding it. :)

I always did get a laugh, though. :D

Damn right, poor ba$tard

I couldn't imagine it. I will never ask why.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by adam_89

I couldn't imagine it. I will never ask why.

---

Memories only, like child birth, you forget the pain after a while.:D

This letter is a thing of beauty (even if the language is a bit rough)..

You definitely feel the guy's pain! An actual letter to the passport
Office...


Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows

That I bought a cable t.v. from them back in 1987, and yet, the Federal

Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the
Income tax forms I've filed for

The past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license,
On the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs
Declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane
Over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are
Done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is

Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that

Ever changed between now and when I die!!

I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning.

Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullsh!t! You send the
Application to my house, then you

Ask me for my f'n address.

What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal a$$holes workin' there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up
Yasser Arafat, for sh!t sakes. I just want to go and park my a$$ on a
Sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh!t
Whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the
Urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd
Sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city
And get another f'n copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60.
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to
Assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that'd be
To damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over
The f'n place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some
a$$hole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know,the
One where we're not allowed to smile? (bureaucratic f'n morons) Hey,
You know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed

- An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
Confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776
... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have
Had security clearances up the yingyang... However, I have to get
Someone' important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor
WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

Sincerely,

You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who.

... And we want them to run our health care?!

I sure would hope so.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow, I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, ball games.
Always something more important to me.

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes.

When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said,
"you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, someday

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Just Dahlia

Memories only, like child birth, you forget the pain after a while.:D

---

Until the next one. :(

Hahaha

Last month, I had an exceptionally good month. So, I get to work thinkin', there's no way I can pull it off another month. I mean, I was on two and three DWI nights last month, and I was thinking that it wasn't going to happen again this month, there's no way. July was a fluke.

And then I end up arresting two DWI's tonight. August is off to a great start! One night, 7 tickets, two DWI's, and a speeder excuse I've never heard. The guy just looked at me, after I stopped him for doing 65 in a 35, and says, "I gotta sh!t ." Good one.

Glad someone liked it.

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old
> woman was the talk of the town. After being married a
> year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their
> first child.
>
> The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to
> congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing.
> How do you do it at your age?'
>
> The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old
> motor running.'
>
> The following year, the couple returned to the hospital
> for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was
> attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate
> the old gentleman.
>
> She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you
> manage it?'
>
> The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old
> motor running.'
>
> A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth
> of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth
> also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the
> old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something
> else! How do you do it?'
>
> The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you got to keep
> the old motor running.'
>
> The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
>
> Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Hey, those were good, adam_89! :)

Thanks!

Oh gosh! This made my day!

For a moment there I thought you were posing a serious situation... 80 year old with a 20 year old.

Just about to give my view on such a situation when I arrived at the bottom of your post... ok you got me, hook line and sinker.

You're totally making my day! Keep 'em coming! :)

Love it!

Thanks. I'm glad you are liking them. Sorry if some are bad. I am just posting here and there the ones that make me laugh.

Hi, All!

See now? As soon as the word "sex" is inculded in the title, EVERYBODY hops on board!

Thanks!

Haha. Yea, that would be a sticky situation to be in.

It's even funnier that it got you

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Clough

Hi, All!

See now? As soon as the word "sex" is inculded in the title, EVERYBODY hops on board!

Thanks!

---

Haha yep, people are really perverted. :)

Yea, out of all the jokes I have posted in the past couple of days this one has gotten the most recognition.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by adam_89

Yea, out of all the jokes I have posted in the past couple of days this one has gotten the most recognition.

---

Says a lot about people. HAHA.

You could use it as a psychology or sociology study.

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

"Geez Bob, you picked up a real b!tch this time."

Bob's funeral will be on Friday

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink.

While he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it into his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole!

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, What?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table.....WHOLE!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, " replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight. The little bastard. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar, grabs it, sticks it up it's butt, pulls it out, and then eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, What?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, " replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first!