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Okay funny man, I posted this on my chat thread, but I have to post it here too.
If you're not familiar with "The Wiggles" they are a band for small children. They do live shows, have a television program, are usually very child appropriate. They're geared towards preschool kids.
Anyway, having said that, this is one of their songs.
YouTube - Most Hilarious Ringtone - I've Got the Clap - Hilarious Ringtone!
Thoughts?
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organisation.
The Spoon
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I enquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
In Mozambique:
"WARNING: LION ENCOUNTERS!"
"It is the season for lion encounters and this information is being posted to all naturalists, motorcyclists, hikers...anyone who will be going into the bush."
"We advise all to wear little bells on their clothing so as to give advance notice to any lions and not to surprise them.
We also advise that all out-of-doors persons also carry pepper spray with him or her to protect themselves from the lions.
Outdoorsmen should also be on watch for fresh lion activity and be able to tell the difference between lion cub crap and big lion crap. Lion cub crap is smaller and contains lots of berries and bits of fur. Big lion crap has lots of little bells in it and smells of pepper."
"Enjoy your stay in Mozambique....."
A city dweller moved up to a very remote part of Canada to be as far from the city crowds as possible. In fact his closest neighbor was 70 miles away and that suited him well.
He had been there for about 3 months when there was a knock on his door. Somewhat surprised he answered the door to find a large bearded man on his porch. The man said, " I heard you moved in so I come by to introduce myself and welcome you to our beautiful country."
How nice , he thought, took 3 months to get here. About right for visits from neighbors.
Then the man said, "Also there is a tradition of a welcoming party for you and it will be on Saturday."
He said, "I usually don't like party's....." but was interupted by the man saying, " You'll like this party! Lot's of good food and wine, singing and dancing , sometimes a fight breaks out but boys will be boys and all the incredible sex makes it all worthwhile!"
That got his attention , he said, "OK! Sounds great! What should I wear?"
The man says, "Don't much matter....just gonna be you and me."
A doctor was making his rounds one night when a nurse comes up and asked him to sign a couple of charts. Reaching into his pocket he pulls out a thermometer and begins to " sign" the charts. When he notices this he says , "damn some a55hole has my pen."
How do you wake up Lady Ga Ga?
Poke her face:D
Now I need to change that to "used to freak me out" since you changed it:)Quote:
Originally Posted by ;
I thought it was actually flattering. I was much younger then, and now look more like a troll and have a face that would make a train take a dirt road.I'm a walking testimonial for avatar use.Quote:
Originally Posted by Just Dahlia
I don't get those poke her face... oh wait, wait, wait! I get it!Quote:
Originally Posted by Just Dahlia
LOL good one.
A few siggy rejects. ;)
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbors newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Eagles can soar, but weasels don't get sucked into Jet engines.
A man is as young as the woman he feels.
?Quote:
carpenter-t disagrees
This is the joke section. Do you even know the rules of this site?
Disagrees are for factually incorrect info only.
I'm sick of all the reddies from people that just have to express their opinions because they don't like what someone wrote.
Thread closed!
Ya, I'm mad.
That was totally uncalled for! :mad:
Okay, I re-opened it, giving Carpenter a chance to explain the reddie.
I don't mind reddies if I posted something that went against the ruels or was factually incorrect. The fact is, this is a joke forum, and there's no such thing as factually incorrect in jokes.
If you don't like the jokes I tell, don't read them, but to reddie them, not okay. What with the new skin and all the chaos it's causing, this was the last straw for me today.
If the reddie was an accident, understandable, it's happened to me too, and I should have thought of that before I got upset. Again, bad day, this was just the straw that broke this camels back, and for that I do apologize.
If I jumped the gun and this was a mistake, sorry. If not, I'd like an explanation. So I've re-opened this thread for that purpose.
Hope you saw my explanation and apology on the previous page.
Carpenter, I did see your explanation, and I too apologize for jumping the gun before asking for an explanation. My bad. Bad week. Sorry. :o
I see you're on the new ff style skin, confusing as all get out, not user friendly, and now I understand the reddie more then ever. It's not you, it's the skin you're using.
My suggestion is to choose the v2 skin as your default. It's much easier to navigate, and the site looks so much nicer in v2.
The new skin is just being tested, but all the bugs haven't been worked out, not even close.
If you're in the new skin, scroll to the top, there should be a link that says "take me to the old AMHD".
Sorry for getting upset. I'm a girl. It happens.
Hope you accept my apology. :)
Alty-no apology necessary,thanks to giding me back to the old v2 skin
Thanks for being so understanding.Quote:
Originally Posted by carpenter-t
I'm just having a bad week, mainly because of the new skin.
I've been getting unwarranted reddies from newbies without any posts to their name, no need for them to spread the rep, and seeing your reddie, that was just the last thing I could take. :o
Then I sat back, realized that you're not like that, and boy, now I feel like a total big "b" little "itch".
Bygones?
Now tell a joke and lets get this thread back on track. :cool: :)
I'm sorry I don't know why I got a chuckle out of the misspelling:DQuote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
::running away:::)
OMG! Ahhhh! I am human! NOOOOOO! ;) ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Just Dahlia
Run hard. Run fast. Run long. ;)
Run forestia. Run!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
I am trying not to wake Cats up by laughing out loud. :pQuote:
Originally Posted by Stringer
Yep, looks like edith. Whoring herself out all over the house.Quote:
Originally Posted by Stringer
LMAO!
Now that's funny Stringer.
What happens when a blonde gets bored with a tongue piercing a lip ring?
20 minutes of being stuck
Bunnies are waaaaaay more delicious than cats.
Cats don't destroy my garden.
Wabbitts!! I have had enough!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Synnen
Synn, try cutting up (in small pieces) some apples and put them around your garden. I have tried all the store bought things, one rain and they don't work...
Stringer
I gave up long ago trying to rid of them Meh, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em?
I feed them now. I find if I feed them my old fruits and veggies in the back of the house, they stay out of my garden.
Sadly (short of machine gunning 'um) that is what seems to work... keep them full... Our wild rabbits are so tame that you can get within 2 feet before they run.Quote:
Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell
We've started a different plan. I pull the hair from my hairbrush and hang it around the garden fence.
And the hubby pees around the edges every few days.
Seems to be working!
Brush and drink...
They really are a nuisance. Yesterday they simply bit off all the new sprouts on new planting and left them there, didn't eat them. Just plain vandalism (period)
Nothing like marking your territory eh?Quote:
Originally Posted by Synnen
Dirty rotten scoundrelsQuote:
Originally Posted by Stringer
:)Quote:
Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell
As long as he's not peeing on ME, I don't care!Quote:
Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell
Speaking of peeing on people.
Indy has now lost his ability to hold it.
I went to the doctors today, then went to visit a friend. Usually Indy sleeps until around 4pm, mainly because he's up all night pacing, panting, barking. Today he apparently woke up while I was gone, got to the front foyer, laid down, peed and pooed everywhere.
I came hope to a foyer full of feces and pee, a very stinky wet dog, and a headache. :(
I feel horrible for not being here when he had to go out. He looked so disgusted with himself. :(
Good news though. Operation soon. My doctor just needs to call the specialist that did the colonoscopy, book a time, blood transfusion to up my hemoglobin, and then surgery. :)
Good news Alty, I know it will all turn out well.
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'
How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'[/B]
Yeah, that's edith's latest trick when she wants something. She peed ON my foot to get me to clean out the litter box, which wasn't that bad. Then, just a few hours later, she tried it again. I have no idea what the second time was for.Quote:
Originally Posted by Synnen
That is funny. Good oneQuote:
Originally Posted by Stringer
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