When I worked in an office I had a sign on my desk that said;
"Would you like to speak to the man in charge or the woman that knows what's going on?"
My boss put it there. :)
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When I worked in an office I had a sign on my desk that said;
"Would you like to speak to the man in charge or the woman that knows what's going on?"
My boss put it there. :)
Ha ha... My sign says; "OUT TO LUNCH....pretend you don't see me."Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
A New Zealand husband walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...
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"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
Not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b1tch ,
You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
That made me giggle.
I liked that one
I had to spread the rep M. I giggled. :)
Where do you find these?
Cornography
Child cornography
A little boy living with his newly single mother wakes up in the middle of the night and has to go to the bathroom.on his way he passes his mothers room.the door is open a little he see her running her hands around herself saying I need a man I need a man.he thinks nothing of it goes to the bathroom and goes back to bed.the next night the same thing happens she saying I need a man I need a man.again he just goes to the bathroom and goes back to bed.the next night he's walking by her room and sees a man in there with his mom,he forgets about the bathroom runs back to his room jumps up on the bed and starts rubbing himself all over saying I need a bike I need a bike.
Hahahaha!
Why do fish live in salt water?
Pepper makes them sneeze!
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."
The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I``ve just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I``ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn``t anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
Seeing as I have to go for a colonoscopy soon, I thought these were appropriate.
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Hahahahahahahahaha WOW!
Ha Ha
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good- looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and fool around with her?"
"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!"
What's the most useless thing on a woman's body? -------------- an irishman.
An tourist is sitting in a bar in irland notices the man next to him looks bummed out,so he ask what's up.the man says see this bar I built this bar you would think people would call me o'brien the bar builder but no.look out that window see that fence I built that fence you would think people would call me o'brien the fence builder but no.and see that barn beyond the fence I built that barn you'd think people would call me o'brien the barn builder but nooo. But you f__k one sheep.
Loved it!:DQuote:
Originally Posted by carpenter-t
A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.
A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home? " the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't, " the boy replied. "He went into town. "
"Well, " said the rancher, "Is your Mother here? "
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad. "
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here? "
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad. "
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? " the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad. "
"Well, " said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Jasmine, pregnant. "'
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that, " he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard. "
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate, Allison, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.
"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
A women was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
I was seeing something like this to happen... but actually, shooting the poor dog shocked me :eek:Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
Good one Alty! :)
WAL-MART INTERVIEW
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
'Hmmm... let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of!
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said. Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT! ' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already pooped my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
A man runs into his house a yells hunny pack your bags I hit the lottery.she says should I pack for the beach or the mountains.he says I don't care just get the f--k out!
Loved it and I'm cracking up as I picture it:DQuote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
Some people laugh,some say eeeuwww then laugh,some just say eeeuwww.but anyway---------------what do you call a hooker with a runny nose?--------------------full.
I forget who told me it was pronounced cesarean bread.but he's no friend of mine.
I don't get it:oQuote:
Originally Posted by carpenter-t
Help please:)
Uh... I know a word in French that has the 'sound' of Cesarean... could it be? But still, I don't get it... :confused: :o
Blonde goes to K-Mart to buy curtains.
She says to the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'
The salesman shows her several patterns then he asks her what size curtains do you need?'
The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'
'Seventeen inches?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room are they for! '
The blonde says, 'they aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.'
The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!'
The blonde says: 'Helloooooo... mine has Windows..! :rolleyes:
Yup... blondie. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by friend4u178
THE WIDOW AND THE COWHAND
=============================
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very attractive woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place
an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and
no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon
entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.
"And now take off my thong", and he dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
That's one of the best jokes I've ever heard.
Golf Balls ...
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked...
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
Pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
.
Comments on this post
Altenweg agrees : LMAO! Okay, that one was good.
LOL... yeah well I sort of had to make up for the last one , I have a Reputation to uphold you know :rolleyes:
Well after last night I'm sure your reputation is safe. :cool:Quote:
Originally Posted by friend4u178
Oh, wait, were you talking about your reputation as the plucky comic relief? :o
I wonder if this is one of Alty's Bunnies :D
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