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-   -   A few funnies (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=421627)

  • Feb 15, 2010, 10:06 PM
    Stringer

    Never Lie To A Woman

    A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

    We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

    The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

    The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

    The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

    He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

    "I did." Replied his wife... "They were in your tackle box....."
  • Feb 16, 2010, 06:33 AM
    Unknown008
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Stringer View Post
    Irishman stranded on a Desert Island:

    One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

    "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

    Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

    She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

    "Ten years," replies the Irishman.

    With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

    "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

    Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

    She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

    At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

    With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

    Lol, poor blonde! :p

    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Stringer View Post
    Never Lie To A Woman

    A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

    We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

    The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

    The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

    The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

    He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

    "I did." Replied his wife.... "They were in your tackle box....."

    They've got some 6th sense! :eek:

    Good ones Stringer :)
  • Feb 17, 2010, 07:24 PM
    friend4u178


    A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a double dose of Viagra.

    The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.

    “Why not?' asked the man.

    "Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.

    "But I need it really bad,' said the man.

    "Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

    The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday;

    My ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday.

    Can't you see? I must have a double dose."

    The doctor finally relented saying,

    "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."

    On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his right arm in a sling.

    The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"



    The man said, "No one showed up."
  • Feb 17, 2010, 07:36 PM
    EmoPrincess
    O m!

    Hahahaha
  • Feb 17, 2010, 07:58 PM
    Stringer

    Good one M!
  • Feb 17, 2010, 08:59 PM
    Jaynellzfosho
    Hahahahaha!XD

    I needed a laugh. Thanks!
  • Feb 17, 2010, 09:02 PM
    Alty
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Jaynellzfosho View Post
    Hahahahaha!XD

    I needed a laugh. Thanks!

    Glad you liked them. :)

    Do you have any jokes or funny pictures you want to share?
  • Feb 19, 2010, 11:33 AM
    carpenter-t

    A man is sitting in his living room watching TV when his wife comes up behined him and slaps him up side the head with a rolled up magazine.he turns and says what was that for.shes says I was doing laundry and found a woman's name on a piece of paper in yourb shirt pocket.he says that's a horse I got a tip on a horse and was going to bet on it.the wife says she is awfully sorry and wishes him luck on his bet.a few days latewr the man is sitting in the same chair watching TV again when the wife come up behined him and swats him out of his chair with a hard coverd book.from the floor he looks up an says what was that for.she says your horse called.
  • Feb 19, 2010, 11:41 AM
    Unknown008

    Lol, good one :p
  • Feb 19, 2010, 11:50 AM
    EmoPrincess

    I have something funny. And scary!

    Alty, may I post koolaid man? Teehee!

    I'm kidding
  • Feb 19, 2010, 12:00 PM
    carpenter-t

    What's koolaid man?
  • Feb 19, 2010, 12:02 PM
    EmoPrincess

    I horrid picture I scarred Alty and M with. Haha
  • Feb 19, 2010, 12:07 PM
    carpenter-t

    I don't scare easy
  • Feb 19, 2010, 12:09 PM
    EmoPrincess
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by carpenter-t View Post
    i dont scare easy

    Not scared, scarred. Haha. It is just a disturbing picture of the koolaid man naked. You can find it if you Google "Koolaid man o nooo"
  • Feb 19, 2010, 12:30 PM
    carpenter-t

    A man comes home from work sits down an put on the TV.he yells to his wife can you get me a beer be fore it starts.she gets him a beer.about twenty minutes later he says hay hun can you get me a beer before it starts .this happen about five more times.as she hands him enoughther beer she says all you ever do is come home sit in that god dam chair drinking beer watchung TV there are things that need doing around here the cellar needs cleaning,the door needs fixing---- the man mumbles its starting.
  • Feb 19, 2010, 12:32 PM
    EmoPrincess

    Haha I get it
  • Feb 19, 2010, 12:43 PM
    Just Dahlia
    Me too:D
  • Feb 19, 2010, 07:58 PM
    cdad

    Redneck Church

    1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if..
    The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

    2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if..
    People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

    3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if..
    When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.

    4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if..
    Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

    5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
    A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)

    6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if..
    The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

    7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if..
    In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

    8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if..
    People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

    9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if..
    The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.

    10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
    The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

    11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
    The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

    12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if..
    Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

    13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
    The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

    14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
    The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

    15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
    "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

    16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if...
    The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".
  • Feb 19, 2010, 08:04 PM
    Catsmine
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by califdadof3 View Post
    Redneck Church

    1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
    The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

    2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
    People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

    3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
    When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.

    4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
    Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

    5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
    A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)

    6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
    The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

    7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
    In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

    8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
    People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

    9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
    The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.

    10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
    The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

    11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
    The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

    12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
    Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

    13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
    The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

    14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
    The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

    15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
    "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

    16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
    The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".

    I resemble that remark
  • Feb 19, 2010, 08:05 PM
    EmoPrincess

    Haha, great one!
  • Feb 19, 2010, 08:07 PM
    Alty

    You know that you're at a redneck wedding when the doves are released and 300 members get out their rifles. ;)
  • Feb 19, 2010, 08:11 PM
    EmoPrincess
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Altenweg View Post
    You know that you're at a redneck wedding when the doves are released and 300 members get out their rifles. ;)

    Or you don't have cake, you have ice cream cones at the local low-end restaurant. That was a good chocolate cone
  • Feb 19, 2010, 08:13 PM
    Catsmine
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Altenweg View Post
    You know that you're at a redneck wedding when the doves are released and 300 members get out their rifles. ;)

    The Canadian blows the hunting joke.

    Ya hunts dove with a shotgun, gal.
  • Feb 19, 2010, 08:15 PM
    friend4u178

    Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled ?"



    "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard"
  • Feb 19, 2010, 08:17 PM
    Alty
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Catsmine View Post
    The Canadian blows the hunting joke.

    Ya hunts dove with a shotgun, gal.

    Wouldn't a shotgun blow them to bits? How can you eat dove bits?

    I stand by the rifle. :)
  • Feb 19, 2010, 08:18 PM
    Alty
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by friend4u178 View Post
    Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled ?"



    "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard"

    So wrong! So very wrong! Love it! :p
  • Feb 19, 2010, 08:20 PM
    EmoPrincess

    I don't get it
  • Feb 19, 2010, 08:22 PM
    EmoPrincess

    OOOO no I get it
  • Feb 19, 2010, 08:26 PM
    EmoPrincess

    Fmylife.com

    Great for a few laughs
  • Feb 19, 2010, 08:31 PM
    Catsmine
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Altenweg View Post
    Wouldn't a shotgun blow them to bits? How can you eat dove bits?

    I stand by the rifle. :)

    Season Shot - Ammo with flavor.
  • Feb 19, 2010, 08:33 PM
    Alty
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Catsmine View Post

    Now I'm getting lessons on Ammo?

    The education I get from this site is priceless. :)
  • Feb 19, 2010, 08:37 PM
    Catsmine
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Altenweg View Post
    Now I'm getting lessons on Ammo?

    The education I get from this site is priceless. :)

    Absolutely right. I certainly wouldn't pay for it.
  • Feb 19, 2010, 08:44 PM
    Alty
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Catsmine View Post
    Absolutely right. I certainly wouldn't pay for it.

    LOL! But I've taught you a few things. You wouldn't pay for my knowledge? None of it? Really?

    I can't say any more, it's W.T. material. ;)
  • Feb 19, 2010, 09:28 PM
    Cat1864
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Altenweg View Post
    LOL! But I've taught you a few things. You wouldn't pay for my knowledge? None of it? Really?

    I can't say any more, it's W.T. material. ;)

    I thought you two were trading 'knowledge'. ;)
  • Feb 20, 2010, 09:18 PM
    Stringer

    THE TEA PARTY

    When I was a toddler, someone had given me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

    Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course.

    After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

    My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

    She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"
  • Feb 20, 2010, 09:29 PM
    Just Dahlia
    You know, Moms are just so smart:) I thought that right away:rolleyes: But Dad (no offense) is clueless:D
  • Feb 20, 2010, 09:46 PM
    Cat1864
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Stringer View Post
    She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

    Luckily for Cats, our children learned how to reach the bathroom sink and turn the water on by the time they were two. Unfortunately, it took them longer to learn how to turn the water off. :rolleyes:
  • Feb 20, 2010, 09:49 PM
    Stringer
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Just Dahlia View Post
    You know, Moms are just so smart:) I thought that right away:rolleyes: But Dad (no offense) is clueless:D

    I guess we aren't just as deductive in some things. :(
  • Feb 20, 2010, 09:51 PM
    Stringer
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Cat1864 View Post
    Luckily for Cats, our children learned how to reach the bathroom sink and turn the water on by the time they were two. Unfortunately, it took them longer to learn how to turn the water off. :rolleyes:

    When I would hear the toilet flush two or three times I came running as fast as I could.
  • Feb 20, 2010, 09:53 PM
    Cat1864
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Stringer View Post
    When I would hear the toilet flush two or three times I came running as fast as I could.

    It is amazing how fast a panicked parent can sprint. :D

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