Hey, those are good Alty!
I'm just now finding this thread...
Thanks!
|
Hey, those are good Alty!
I'm just now finding this thread...
Thanks!
M, that's terrible. Keep 'em coming! ( Wait... don't go there either)
A wealthy older lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here."
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience!
I love it M.
Now where is that leopard you were supposed to bring me? ;)
That was awesome M! :)
M, I couldn't green you...
But that was a great joke and I loved the moral, very refreshing !
Do you mean M is a... monkey!? :confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
::kidding:: ;)
A Blonde comes home and says to her Boyfriend I got this awesome new Tattoo today
The Boyfriend says great what did you get?
Blonde says I got a Tattoo of a Seashell on my inner thigh.
The Boyfriend says what's so awesome about that?
Blonde says well if you get really really close and put your ear to it , you can smell the ocean!!
Flexible blonde.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience."Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents."
They suspect nothing is hysterical.The expression on his face is priceless:)
Thanks hon... I needed that !
Lol, good ones M and Syn :)
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
"I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition , whenever I sneeze I have a wild uncontrollable orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."
^^ ha ha ha that was nice one! :D
Good joke Freind4u!
Subject: Five rules for men to follow for a happy life
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time
to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie
to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other
Tiger Woods.....
Short Funnies....
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said," Dust!"
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
JD, you can be anything you want. :)
BATTLE OF SEXES.... :)
When does a woman care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom,
and an to pay for it all.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married
women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says:
"So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her
so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you.
Ok, I will quit, last one for tonight... Laugh... darn it !
Men (One-Liners)
# Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.
# If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day or two, He'll be back to his usual self.
# A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
So she gets a divorce.
# Marriage certificate?
It's just another name for her work permit.
# When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.
# “It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.
I will never forget that game of cards…”
# Men lie about their jobs, drive cars they can't afford, wear toupees and loose shirts that hide their stomachs, and say they want a “real woman”…
# Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a mans sex drive by 90 percent…. Wedding cake!!!
# Bigamy is having one husband too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
# If a man suggests that you take a break from vacuuming the living room and relax what it means is he can't hear the TV
# If you think he's listening to you, you're wrong he's trying to convert what you just said into something with a sexual connotation
# If a man had a thought in his head, it would get lonely!
# If men got pregnant…. abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
# Men are like roller coasters: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't… you can't wait to throw up.
# Behind every great man is a woman with a vibrator
# If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
# Scientist have finally discovered the chemical formula for Viagra.
1% Sodium
1% Iron
1% Phosphate
97% Fix-a-Flat
# Remember; you are known by the idiot you accompany
# Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
# Women don't make fools of men most of them are the “do-it-yourself” types.
# The best reason to divorce or break-up with a man is for health reasons you're sick of him.
# The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
# If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
# A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, “Oh alright, I'll stay the night.”
# Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
# Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.
# Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men a woman
# When God made Man, she was just kidding.
# If God had wanted men to be perfect, he'd have given them brains
# Men is proof even God makes mistakes
# Men? On the whole, I'd rather buy new batteries.
# Men read Playboy for the articles women go to malls for the music.
# Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands.
# Men love sex with redheads, but their wives don't appreciate it!
# Men are fun to argue with, because even IF they win…they lose.
# Men of quality respect women's equality.
# Men play the game. Women know the score.
# Flies spread disease, keep your's zipped
# Men and women were created equal, but women continued to improve.
# Women are a pain in the , men are a pain EVERYWHERE!
# Men have a joystick whereas women just have a game port.
# Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
# Men, stupid? You'd be dense too if you had your brain in your pants!
# If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming way too high
# It was love at first sight. He walked by and I saw the twinkle in his eye.
I never knew that someone could be so in love with his own reflection in the mirror.
# Women are indeed silly, we sleep with men, who if they were women, we wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
# Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
I love them Stringer. I'm ROTFLMAO! Keep them coming. :)
Gosh Darn it I couln't give you greenie, but I love #3:):DQuote:
Originally Posted by Stringer
I really love them all:)
Great jokes Stringer! Simply great! :)
So weird but I got this in an email around the same time but just now read it today as well as reading this one.Quote:
Originally Posted by albear
A few for the ladies ;)
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear pants don't you?
>
He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
>
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
>
He said... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said to him... They don't have time.
>
He said... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said... I don't know; it has never happened.
>
He said... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
She said... They already have boyfriends.
>
He said... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
She said... A widow.
>
He said... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
I've seen the pics before. They are all good. Thanks again.
A blonde phones the fire brigade and says her house is on fire.
The fireman says OK just calm down and tell us how do we get there?'
'HELLOO!' she replies, 'In the fecking big red truck!'
ROTFLMAO! I love it M. :)
ALTY!!
Check your email, woman!
Sorry Synn, I was on the road, picking up the munchkins.Quote:
Originally Posted by Synnen
EXCUSES!
I curse you to Magical Trevor
magical trevor - Weebl's Stuff
Why!! Why!! That is horrible!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Synnen
Ahhhhh, it's stuck in my head!!
I'm putting a hex on you Synn! ;)
You already DID!
You made me sing the Llama song for THREE FREAKING HOURS this afternoon.
Synn
That's cruel , Magical Trevor will be in my head all day now :rolleyes:
Not the Beans!!!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by friend4u178
Alty made me have the Llama song! That's crueler!
The Llama Song | Flash Videos
Do not click on the link! If you value your sanity do not click on the link! The link is evil.
Besides Synn, I didn't send that to you, you went looking for that all on your own. :)
Phew! I don't know those songs, and won't listen to them... :rolleyes:
Nice joke M! :)
Here's one for Unky:Quote:
Originally Posted by Unknown008
YouTube - Lamb chops play-Along
O god! Does the song ever end!
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm 'enry the ayth, I am, 'enry the ayth, I am, I am
I got married to the woman next door...
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:22 AM. |