Help! My girlfriend of three years and I noticed changes in her body, so I urged her to get a pregnancy test. She waited until recently to discover that she was 13 weeks pregnant. Prior to all of this news, she was on the pill. I have openly expressed my non-interest in being a father now. I have also emphasized how she has no financial means to be a mother now. She makes little money, and I travel and work 70 hours a week and do well. This issue is breaking us up. We have discussed adoption and some days she says yes and others no. We have discussed abortion, but now at 15 ½ weeks, she is almost in her second trimester. Again, I am openly expressing to her that I do not want to be a father yet. She has declined all options and agreed to a “financial abortion” from me, as a result of my openly expressed concerns of not wishing to be a father, before her pregnancy, during her pregnancy (which is now just over 15 weeks), and this posture will not change after the pregnancy. How is this done? She has agreed to sign off on anything that would bind me to child support including not listing my name on the forthcoming birth certificate. Does this have to be on a legal binding document in case she changes her mind five years from now? As of now it’s simply on a word document that she and I have signed. We are not married, and I have not planned on having a child. She simply was not religious in taking her birth control pills on time and as a result, we are in this predicament.

A woman can get pregnant while taking the pill. They can be taken religiously and it can happen. You would need to go to a lawyer and ask him these questions and have some legal work drawn up. Did you have a father while growing up? I am curious as to how someone can be so withdrawn from their own child to be. I know men these days feel they have just as much right as a woman in determining what happens to an unborn child. I do not. It should be a woman's right to have an abortion or not, NEVER should anyone else even suggest it. It is killing an unborn child and she will have to live with that forever. When a woman carries a child for 9 months, feels it living and moving inside her. She gets attached to that living breathing person before it is ever born, giving it away may cause problems forever also.

Do not be harsh on her about not taking the pill, it can happen. I have 2 grandsons (my daughter was married) to prove it. She was religious about taking the pill, her husband wanted children and she was not ready. They are wonderful boys and the light of her life.

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Originally Posted by notreadytobeDadyet

She simply was not religious in taking her birth control pills on time and as a result, we are in this predicament.

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Hello Not:

Dude. I got it. I'm like you. I hate wearing a rubber. But, these days, YOU TOO are responsible for getting her knocked up.

The time to decide whether you want to be a father OR NOT, is BEFORE you implant your member - not after. You put the next 20 years of your financial life, IN YOUR GIRLFRIENDS HANDS. Not surprisingly, she's not treating your money the same way you would.

No, Dude. You're going to pay! You're going to pay good. If you somehow convince her to let you off the hook now (because you're right there, and she's feeling distraught), she'll come to her senses. At $100/mo for the next 20 years, we're talking about $24,000, here. She should give that up?

Uhhh, NO she shouldn't! You should pay to support your child.

So, after all that money stuff, you might as well get ready to be a dad, because you're going to be, AND you’re going to pay like one too. Being a dad ain't so bad. I rather like it.

In 1973, I talked my wife into an abortion. I have a son who was born in 1975. What was so important that two years cured? I have no idea. I look at my son, and wonder who his older brother or sister was. I love my son. I have room to love another one.

It doesn't feel good to know that I did that. Back then, I didn't think about this stuff at all.

I don't know what any of this is worth.

excon

I am so sorry. I am sorry on may levels here. I am sorry you are not going to get the answers you want, I am sorry you are not man enough to face the consequences of your actions, and so on.

I too took birth control pills. I took them religiously, same time on the dot every day, never forgot one. I have 2 beautiful sons who now protect our country in the U.S. Army to show for it. So, the pill is not 100% effective.

Now, you knew that there was a possibility of her getting pregnant every time you had sex with her. Don't tell me you didn't.

You are now responsible for the rest of your life to this child. Whether your name is on the birth certificate or not. All she has to do is prove paternity. One little swab of the cheek, that is all it takes these days.

Excon said you might as well get ready to be a "dad." From what I hear you can't be a dad, but rather a sperm donor.

I find it a shame that you can love your girlfriend, make love to her, but not love what the two of you produced.

Got news, that unless you go to court and she agrees in court to allow you to give up your rights, YOU are a father.

And guess what you will be paying child support, so yes she has a great way to pay for raising the child, it is called YOU.

And it is your child, you should like a dead beat I would like to take out behind a wood shed and discuss responsibility.

You were having sex with her and she is going to have a baby, so deal with it dude, you are a father if you never see the baby ever or pay her a dime.

But if you don't do your duties for the child, you are the lowest scum on the face of this earth in my opinion. And honestly, it sounds like you are so selfish that she will do a lot better without a loser like you in her life. But I do hope she makes you pay out the nose for the child till the child is out of college, since that is your duty and her right to get it.

Your in that predicament, because you stuck your @#$% in her. You my friend are trying to put all the blame on her. It is your fault too. You should have thought about it before doing anything. Birth control is not 100 percent. As far as her wanting to keep the baby that is her choice. I am against abortion personally. There are many other options. You're a father now whether you are ready for it or not. It is eighter time to step up to the plate and become a man and take responsibility for this little one or be a coward and run away. You will have no idea what effect it has on a child not knowing there parents. At the same time since you feel this way maybe the baby is better off without you. As far as responsibility, this baby will always be your responsibility with or without papers and names. With or without your presence. You need to think long and hard. Do not force anything on this women.

Joe

Life is not always about being ready for what is given us. It would be nice if that were the case. You have been given a child, that is a gift not to be taken lightly. You say you do well financially, when would the perfect time be, or do you not want children ever?
You have no right to make the decision for your girlfriend. You have told her how you feel, now you must respect how she feels. This would be a great burden for her to carry for the rest of her life. Women are the nurturing ones and to give up a child can cause them pain for the rest of their life. If she gave it up or had had an abortion because you wanted her to, she at some point could and most likely would resent you, and rightfully so.

If I were her, I would leave you, sign court documents taking all rights away from you as a father. I would find a caring, loving nonselfish person. I would not want you in my life or my child's.

I feel very sorry for you. I would not want to be the kind of person you are. Bless you

I agree with K3, I would find someone loving, and you sir are not it. However, I would take you for all the money my child deserved.

The money is not for her, but for the child. For food, diapers, for a roof over its head, for electricity.

How would you feel if your father just dumped you? I assume you have a father. How would you feel if your father did not want you?

Not ready to be a dad yet? Guess what... every time you have sex you are a potential dad. If you're not ready for fatherhood then you're not ready for sex.

The only method of birth control that is 100% effective is abstinence. This pregnancy is your responsibility just as much as your girlfriend's. And this baby will be your responsibility just as much as hers. Whether you're ready is irrelevant. It's coming and if you're not there for her and the baby then you deserve everything that a court can throw at you.

Back in 1999 my girlfriend at the time told me she was pregnant. I was already paying over $400 dollars a month for my first child with my first girl (on my first time!). She toyed with the idea of abortion at first, to my relief. The next week she wanted to keep it. I, like you, expressed my feelings toward being a father. She seemed like she didn't care what I felt. I told her, and I was serious, that I wouldn't be around at the time of birth, because I wasn't going to take any food. And from then, until she had it aborted, I took no food.

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Originally Posted by inla_bomber

And from then, until she had it aborted, I took no food.

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Hello inla:

It would have been better if YOU had starved yourself to death. What a despicable thing to do!

excon

The real issue, from a legal standpoint, isn't whether she's willing to sign away any potential responsibility on your part. Legally she can't sign away any child support that the child would be entitled to. It's more a question of whether you're the father. The only way that can be proven is through a DNA test. If one is never done. Then it'll never be proven that you're the father and you won't be able to be held legally responsible. The best bet would be for her and you to sign an affidavit that she will never ask the court to compel you to submit to a DNA test, as this is the first and most crucial test in child support proceedings. Have an attorney draft it up for you, you both sign it and the attorney notarizes it. That's your best option.

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Originally Posted by inla_bomber

Back in 1999 my girlfriend at the time told me she was pregnant. I was already paying over $400 dollars a month for my first child with my first girl (on my first time!). She toyed with the idea of abortion at first, to my relief. The next week she wanted to keep it. I, like you, expressed my feelings toward being a father. She seemed like she didn't care what I felt. I told her, and I was serious, that I wouldn't be around at the time of birth, because I wasn't going to take any food. And from then, until she had it aborted, I took no food.

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You can't be proud of that action are you? I wish she had the baby and we'd see how long you would have lasted with no food, I think that's so sick, KILL the baby or I don't eat. Stupid.

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Again, I am openly expressing to her that I do not want to be a father yet.

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If you didn't want to be a father why did you keep pokin' her with your thang? That's what happens when you have sex and the only 100% birth control is abstinance. Its too late to argue, so go cry in your room and get over the kid stuff because now its time to... be a MAN. Quite whining and do the right thing.

Yes, T, thang poking results in tummy growing.

Tal, up there sounding like Dr. Laura, "Quit whinning and go the right thing"

Spoken like a true Relationship Expert.

As for you Mr. notreadytobeaDadyet:

If your not ready to be a Dad, keep it in your pants.

Waddya all want to bet that he will not be back. We did not give him the info he wanted, only what he needed to hear.

So Notreadytobeadadyet... what happens when your girlfriend has this child and someday your son or daughter comes looking for you? What are you going to say to him or her? What will be your excuse for not being there for them growing up? Will you tell them the truth or will you still be a coward and hide from them?

Maybe you would change your mind if you went to his or her birth. Then you could see that this little miracle might have your eyes or your nose and when they grow up they might have your sense of humor or maybe your laugh. How can you throw all that away? You're not just giving up a life with your child, but a life with your girlfriend as well... she must not mean much to you... poor girl...

The majority of us men here probably were not ready to be a father but once we accepted the fact that a baby was coming we got ourselves ready. That's the difference between MEN and boys, Men do what the have to do for their family. So while I understand the fear I bet once you see your child in person you will stand up and do what your supposed to do.(I HOPE ,at least) Or you could be like most of the so-called males out there and run for the hills looking for the easy way out. Your choice, make the right one. The changes a child makes in your life are positive ones... For a MAN anyway.

I am 22yrs old, was on the pill and fell pregnant. I am currently in my third trimester. I too was not ready to be a mum and my boyfriend left me because of the baby. I have some input you will not like... you need to take a good look in the mirror... stop being so selfish... this is not about you... this is about your girlfriend and her unborn child. If that is your attitude, then you have no respect for her. She and the little one are better off without you. Its her body and her life... she is the one it effects the most and she should be the one to decide what happensa ndn you should support her no matter what. You are a selfish, heartless and above all cruel man and you need to have you head read. Some men and women cannot have children so appreciate the fact that you can. Grow up and get a life.

NB: Take note of my Aviatar too - that's the scan pic of my daughter due this December. That's what your baby almost looks like now... something for you to think about.

First of all... Inla_bomber... I would've let you STARVE!! SERIOUSLY!!

Second... notreadytobeadadyet... I agree with everyone here but "Mr. Bomber"!! My sister became pregnant the first time she ever had sex! She lost her virginity from her boyfriend. Needless to say, he found out she was pregnant, asked her to get an abortion and she refused! In our family, abortion isn't an option! My sister never heard from her boyfriend again! He changed his number and (seriously) moved out of state! Pretty drastic measures because you didn't want to care for your "flesh and blood"!

Having a child is a very scary thing when you're not ready! I was not ready and my sister was not ready to be "mommies"! I worked three jobs for years and now I only work two jobs! I did what I had to because I was the parent and my actions were "molding" my child! Although I get childsupport, my sister doesn't! Her little boy is sooooo very cute and looks a lot like his dad! To bad the S.O.B. with never know his son!

If you were not ready to have a child then you should have kept your "willy" in your pants! If you can't take the responsibility that comes with having sex then you SHOULDN'T HAVE SEX!

What goes around... comes around! He (and you if you abandon this child) will get your "just due" in the end! You will have to answer to the big guy!!

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"...sign off on anything that would bind me to child support including not listing my name on the forthcoming birth certificate. Does this have to be on a legal binding document in case she changes her mind five years from now? As of now it’s simply on a word document that she and I have signed. We are not married, and I have not planned on having a child. She simply was not religious in taking her birth control pills on time and as a result, we are in this predicament..."

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First,…off… if, she is a minor… any contract she signs as a minor is not binding in any court of law…the contract needs to be supported by the parents ( that means yours too). You are now a parent! Get use to it…Things will change once you see the baby///maybe the baby will be a mini you…buy him a motorcycle too…he will like girl watching just like you…there is nothing more of a girl magnet…then,… when you are walking with your mini you through the mall and or the park…Wow… what a life…

Maybe I missed it, but I do not see where either party in the OP is a minor.

Yeah, I was a little thrown off too,but then who but a very young guy could come up with a word document to relieve him of his obligations? Who but a very young girl would sign it? Either way I don't know if such a contract is binding or not. I've never heard of this before.

Yeah, could be, but he makes mention of making good money and her making little. He travels and works 70 hours per week.

My thought was that he did this out of desperation rather than sound rational thinking.

That's logical, poor guy I almost feel for him. You don't know how scared I was when I found out my first was coming.

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"... I have openly expressed my non-interest in being a father now. I have also emphasized how she has no financial means to be a mother now. She makes little money, and I travel and work 70 hours a week and do well. This issue is breaking us up..."

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First issue you have no desire to be a father... make sure the woman that you are with is taking her birth control... and if you are struck on the point of no children... get yourself prepared with birth control.

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"... Again, I am openly expressing to her that I do not want to be a father yet. She has declined all options and agreed to a “financial abortion” from me, as a result of my openly expressed concerns of not wishing to be a father, before her pregnancy, during her pregnancy (which is now just over 15 weeks), and this posture will not change after the pregnancy... "

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So nice of her to consider your feeling before the care and keeping of the child...

Fact you have a right to give up parental rights... the judge will make the decision on whether you should be given that right...

An financial abortion has no seat in today's laws...

Your statement does read like an immature man that is insecure about life... yes having a baby is scary... yes it does attack what ever monies you have in the bank to rise them... it goes with the enjoyment of sex... afraid of the end game... then do not play unless you are ready to win...

May I suggest a vasectomy, since birth control is not 100% effective anyway?

Just a little thought I have been thinking about.

I got knocked up with my boyfriend of 3 years and he begged me to come to my senses and have an abortion. He promised me an engagement "we could start all over again...". After I threw up on his shoes (priceless I know) I told him that I was sad and horrified that I could be so blind to the fact that the man I was dating was not a man after all. He warned me that he would not be there for either one of us if I went through with the pregnancy and kept the baby... I told him if he turned his back today he would regret it one day. I told him I would never go after him for child support because a judge could never give my child what it needed which was a father. I told him I would not take him back once he left.

He kept his word. I kept mine. My daughter grew up in a loving home because I moved back in with my parents to give her a sense of family.

When she was 4 he contacted me saying he had a change of heart and wanted us both back. I told him he'd better have a big wallet to come with it because if he wanted to see her it would cost him 4 years of retroactive child support. He didn't believe me until he got a letter from my attorney. He never called again.

When my husband and I got married a year later he adopted her. The ex signed the paperwork without hesitation. He wrote me a letter saying that he really did have a change of heart and regretted what he did but also knew that coming into her life this late in the game would only confuse her. He recognized that he made a rash decision that he'd have to live with until the day he died and he respected that my husband would be a better role model for a father.


Be a man, do the responsible thing. Yes, she is also responsible, I do acknowledge that, but that's water under the bridge now. If she won't give this baby to a two parent home, then the next best thing is to marry her and be the man you are supposed to be.

I have children(plural). Trust me. You will never be ready. The only people who are ready, can't have kids. Believe me, I know what you are feeling. I'm not going to beat you with words because I have seen women have babies and abortions for some of the craziest reasons. If you two live together, you will take care of that baby whether you want to or not. Either out of guilt or her making you do it. If you don't live together, you will help her with the baby or lose her eventually.
You and her must take that document to a notary and get it notorized. If you drew it up right, it may be able to stand up in court when she tries to get child support, after you two have split. Trust; if you continue with this attitude, you will split. Don't be scared. It's not that bad if you start by doing right by just the baby. If you just buy the basic essentials(pampers, clothes, bed, etc.), which are not that expensive if you're making all that good money, it would go a long way in appeasing her. If you don't want to be a dad, stay away from the child because he/she will make you their father just out of instinct. You may feel compelled to take care of that child because you know it is yours. You can't go to the hospital with her because if you get to see the birth, you will want to be a dad because you will know that is a piece of you. To make a long story short, you are going to miss out on a lot. My oldest is 16 and will set the world on fire for any of them.

I sure wish Notready would come back and tell us what's going on with him, his girlfriend and his baby! You know he's reading these... just doesn't want to get chewed out anymore!

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Originally Posted by notreadytobeDadyet

Help! My girlfriend of three years and I noticed changes in her body, so I urged her to get a pregnancy test. She waited until recently to discover that she was 13 weeks pregnant. Prior to all of this news, she was on the pill. I have openly expressed my non-interest in being a father now. I have also emphasized how she has no financial means to be a mother now. She makes little money, and I travel and work 70 hours a week and do well. This issue is breaking us up. We have discussed adoption and some days she says yes and others no. We have discussed abortion, but now at 15 ½ weeks, she is almost in her second trimester. Again, I am openly expressing to her that I do not want to be a father yet. She has declined all options and agreed to a “financial abortion” from me, as a result of my openly expressed concerns of not wishing to be a father, before her pregnancy, during her pregnancy (which is now just over 15 weeks), and this posture will not change after the pregnancy. How is this done? She has agreed to sign off on anything that would bind me to child support including not listing my name on the forthcoming birth certificate. Does this have to be on a legal binding document in case she changes her mind five years from now? As of now it’s simply on a word document that she and I have signed. We are not married, and I have not planned on having a child. She simply was not religious in taking her birth control pills on time and as a result, we are in this predicament.

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Sign over your parental rights . But get an attorney to write up an agreement that if you DO sign over parental rights . That she can't come after you for child support . Do not enter into any agreement on paper or verbally . Some will and some won't hold up in court . It doesn't mean that you are a bad person signing over those rights. It just means that you are holding true to yourself . If she was supposed to be on birth control . Then it was her responsibility to keep from getting pregnant . If it was known before she got pregnant , that you didn't want kids yet . Then that should account for something .

I meant to 'disagree' on the above post.

I am a woman not a neanderthal . Men have rights also ! He did not want to have a baby with his girlfriend . He's clearly not ready to be a Father figure. It is in the best interest of the Mother and Baby to move on . This relationship isn't going to work !
And I do know you can get pregnant on B/C . I did at the age of 16!! And my borfriend wasn't ready to be a Dad ,( at that point in his life ). I wasn't ready to be a Mom . But it was MY decision to keep the baby . It was his decision not to be in our lives. He has rights also . He was a good guy . But just because a baby is on the way . Doesn't make him ready to be a Dad . We were on B/C . It was a shock . I found a man that wanted to be a Dad . And things worked out just fine . My daughter is 16 and doing just fine . And so am I .
We all have rights and choices . We can't JUST say stay together and raise a kid that wasn't planned or wanted . That's how things get stressful for the 3 of them . If the parents don't want to be together . Then the kid suffers . He doesn't seem to me as coming off as a guy that hasn't expressed his wishes before she got pregnant . She clearly knew he wasn't ready for kids . She wasn't either I know. But she can choose adoption if she isn't financially ready . Then that way the baby will have 2 parents and a good life . I'm against abortion . But also feel that it is an individuals right on that subject . Again it will be the child that suffers if parents are on to opposite sides of this subject .

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Originally Posted by teenam1111

I am a woman not a neanderthal . Men have rights also ! He did not want to have a baby with his girlfriend . He's clearly not ready to be a Father figure. It is in the best interest of the Mother and Baby to move on . This relationship isn't going to work !
And I do know you can get pregnant on B/C . I did at the age of 16 !!!!!!!!!!! And my borfriend wasn't ready to be a Dad ,( at that point in his life ). I wasn't ready to be a Mom . But it was MY decision to keep the baby . It was his decision not to be in our lives. He has rights also . He was a good guy . But just becasue a baby is on the way . Doesn't make him ready to be a Dad . We were on B/C . It was a shock . I found a man that wanted to be a Dad . And things worked out just fine . My daughter is 16 and doing just fine . And so am I .
We all have rights and choices . We can't JUST say stay together and raise a kid that wasn't planned or wanted . That's how things get stressful for the 3 of them . If the parents don't want to be together . Then the kid suffers . He doesn't seem to me as coming off as a guy that hasn't expressed his wishes before she got pregnant . She clearly knew he wasn't ready for kids . She wasn't either I know. But she can choose adoption if she isn't financially ready . Then that way the baby will have 2 parents and a good life . I'm against abortion . But also feel that it is an individuals right on that subject . Again it will be the child that suffers if parents are on to opposite sides of htis subject .

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Shouldn't he pay child support? Why didn't he get a vasectomy? Why play at a grown up game and not to expect consequences? Both man and woman have the obligation to raise the child, whether they marry is another question.

No, Joe, vasectomy is not 100% effective either, neither is tubal ligation, birth control pills, or condoms. The only things 100% effective are a total hysterectomy or abstinence.

Vascetomy is a slightly more effective than the pill, but it is still not 100%

You Think 100 Dollars Is Enough To Support A Child. That Doesn't Even Buy Tylenol, Wipes And Diapers For The Month. You Men Are Ridiculous. You Can Help Make The Baby But Not Support Them. Do You Honestly Think $100 Is Your Fair Share? The Answer Is No. The Women Is Footing Most Of The Bill, The Time, And Other Things. You Men Are Pathetic. And To Think You Probably Had Mothers That Raised You On Your Own.

Not ready to be a dad yet:

You better get ready. You can ignore the comments in this board but you can't ignore that. Furthermore, if your girlfriend wants to have and keep this child, there really isn't a lot you can do about it.

We've all been through problems buddy, but what you need to do is support your girlfriend right now. I will even make the suggestion to start thinking about putting a ring on her finger if she will have it. Try to raise the child the best you and her can, in as much of a normal lifestyle as possible. Maybe once you get married you two and the child can start attending a local church. There is good support for families who are struggling emotionally there.

When the school work starts to cover the fridge, and the child sits there and ask questions about how a car works when you change the oil, you'll be glad you made the decision to keep the child.

But like I said, we've all got problems. As my boss would say "man up and deal with it!".

My wife and I got married on our car port by the justice of the peace. The licence cost $15 and the justice of the peace charged $60. Think about it.

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Originally Posted by dunno

I sure wish Notready would come back and tell us what's going on with him, his gf and his baby! !

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Yeah, it's kind of anticlimatic. Pardon the pun.

For my response I'm not going to lecture you, but me and my boyfriend recently thought I was pregnant because I had all the syptoms and before I even took a test he wanted me to get an abortion asap and do you realize what kind of emotional state that would put your so loved girlfriend to think back she killed her son/daughter how would you feel to know you hurt her in that way it would hurt and you shouldn't try to force her into getting an abortion ( if you don't get one I don't want to be with you. Or take a pick) those things don't work because she is going to choose her unborn child believe me when my boyfriend told me to get an abortion I was going to quit school and move out of state because he wanted on and he told me to choose. I love him with all my heart but that child inside of her is a part of you how could you just want to throw it away like a piece of trash. It's wrong. That is your flesh and blood.

So because you are selfish, you made a girl abort a child that I can guarantee she wanted! SHAME ON YOU! I don't know how you can sleep at night. You really need to take a look at yourself in the mirror.

It wasn't about you... you are not the one that has to carry the child, and go through everything. Just think what she has to live with everyday. Did you consider that? The emotional turmoil she had to and still goes through whether she displays that to anyone or not? The nightmares she must have had! The loss she suffered - all because of what - you and your selfish attitude and money? What sort of a man are you??

Holly, if you read carefully she agreed to a "financial abortion" she did not actually abort the child. At least we don't know if she did since the OP has not been back since his first post October 14.

My apologies if I misread the post!