Ask Me Help Desk - Wife left, took kids while I was at work

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Originally Posted by franksandbeans

Ill try to keep this a short as possible.

7 months ago I came home from work to a note from my wife. Her dad and her had concocted a plan for him to drive here and take her and our kids to their house out of state.

I called the police, nothing they could do. I called family services and was told "a custodial parent has the right to take the kids wherever. Get a lawyer"

The kids are finishing up school next week and I want to bring them back here, but Im getting alot of backlash from her. Stuff like "well Ill have to check their schedules" (shedules for kids under 8??) and "I dont know about that, we'll see."

Our basic marital problem is where we live. She hates it here and wants to live close to her parents (what a fantastic reason to break up a marriage :rolleyes: )

Anyway, what rights do I have to go get my kids? She doesnt even work from crying out loud. I send her money for stuff she needs. Yet she wants to tell me where we should live, but thats a completely different story.

Neither of us has been to a lawyer as I assumed eventually things would be resolved.

Beat her to the punch by filing for divorce.A good attorney will go for "abandonment"and demand immediate relief from the local court.But ,its verrrry important you file ASAP! Most states require the divorce to be filed wherever the children reside.Do this within 6 months and you might still get away with residency on your side.
Divorce is an ugly all out war.She fired the first volley when she left you.Now , for the sake of your kids, you must fight back hard.Charge her with mental cruelty,also.A good attorney will know what to go for.Just tell them to hit hard ,and let them handle it.

You need to consult with a lawyer just to know what you can and can't do. Find one that you can consult for free on the first visit. How long have you been married?

Dads far too often forget on major thing:they are still your children ,too.Most states have moved away from the "Tender years" which gave most rights to the mother.Your best bet is to immediately (that means today)go find you a mediator(most attorneys can serve as a mediator),and send her a certified letter requesting mediation.then ,after you send the letter, consult your attorney.She'll likely refuse to mediate,which then gives you the freedom to waltz into court with documentation that you tried to settle this amicably ,but =she refused.You then allow your attorney to go for the jugular.this should save you a lot of money,as the judge in many cases will order her to attend mediation and may even make her pay for it.Think smart,play hard,and ignore the watershed tears that are coming (hers and yours)Remember,the relationship is over.Now its time to fight for your kids.Theyre depending on you to be rational.

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Remember,the relationship is over.

Sorry to disagree. This couple has problems but haven't tried to figure it out and a marriage counselor should be the next step not a lawyer as there are to many facts not being presented to make a call that drastic. There is however impulsive behavior, and no communications on both side. No where has the OP said he wants a divorce, but does need legal advice. He also needs a lot of personal help to put this relationship back together. A divorce is easy. Marriage is not. I also know there is two sides to this story, and sorry not convinced your completely the good guy. Just my honest opinion.

I respect your view,but ,in all honesty,times have changed.The minute she walked out the door,she abandoned the relationship.A good attorney will hit hard for the dad in the name of "abandonment "as well as mental cruelty ,due to the stress placed upon the children due to the mother's erratic actions.A good attorney will tell you to strike now;waiting only tips the scales of justice in her behavior.To the dad,the relationship is kaput.Would you even want her back now?File the paperwork.don't dlay!

When one party walks out,the relationship is over.The longer you wait to file paperwork hurts your chances for an amicable rsolution.Hire an attorney who won't give an ounce of ground.If she hasn't filed any papers,you have an advantage;USE IT!! My dad once taught me,"in life, there are no fair fights!"

Listen, if we go by your end of the story, she should not have taken kids out of state that I though was parental abduction.

Contact your local police and the town they are in now.

I could only imagine what a pleasure you were to live with the way you throw out insults. If you wanted to talk to an expert you would have shelled out a few bucks for a good attorney. Which I believe is your next step anyway.

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she abandoned the relationship

Until we know exactly why she left it is an assumption, I can tell you people don't just up and leave with 4 kids and go home, without very good reason. Despite what has been presented. Come on times haven't changed that much. And what lawyer works for free??

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Originally Posted by franksandbeans

Her parents hate my guts and wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire.

I'm sure there's a story with more than one side to it behind this state of affairs.

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As far as the paid schooling goes, Im not 100% sure. I don't think I can just go anywhere I want to. They have programs set up with in-state schools, but as far as paying for something out of state, I don't think so but I can't say for 100% fact.

You haven't said whether you are enrolled in the paid schooling that's available where you live now. If you are, it supports your claim to be the "responsible" one. If not, it calls that into question. If another job at your current level of skill and training isn't a realistic prospect (no matter where you live), then you can't afford to waste a day waiting to start retraining. If you and your wife can agree on this, then the decision of where to live while doing it can be made on a practical basis (what's available where), instead of having it become an emotional power struggle.

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However, where she currently is now, she claims she doesn't want to live there! And there are no colleges within reasonable distance anyway. So where does she want to live? Your guess is as good as mine. Ive asked and the answer is "I dont know, anywhere." See, she doesn't look to the future AT ALL, its all about the here and right now. I guess at least Im trying to be responsible. :rolleyes:

I thought she wanted to live close to her parents. Is that not where she is?

It sounds like you and your wife are more concerned with power and control in your relationship than with finding a mutually agreeable solution to your very real problems of livelihood and financial security. Counselling might help if you're both willing to try.

Her parents have hated me since day 1. Why? IDK. I really don't. In 13yrs we've been together I bet her mom and I haven't spoken 50 words between us and not too many more than that to her dad. Every argument we ever get in she jumps right on the phone to call mommy and daddy and tell them all about it. Apparently they are naïve enough to believe its all my fault. On 2 separate occasions Ive went to her dad and said "look, we need to get some of these issues resolved" and nothing ever came of it.

Look, I have done things in my marriange and said things I wish I could take back. Everyone has. I don't claim to be the worlds greatest husband. But its not for lack of trying so show her in every way I can that I love her. Whenever we fight I am ALWAYS the one to try to resolve the issue. She is very bad at holding a grudge. Im the kind of guy that an hour after a fight Im over it. But she like to let it stew and would for days if I didn't make some effort to patch it up. Arguments are always fun. I get stuff thrown in my face that happened 10 years ago.

I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't run around with the guys, Ive never been physically abusive to her or the kids. Im a fairly decent guy who always puts her first. So if you all want to judge me based on the comment I made to a 20yr old kid that basically said I didn't love my kids then go right ahead.

Its funny (not really), I was here to ask for some advice, maybe someone has been through a similar thing, and Im basically put on trial by you all. "Surely there must be some reason she left." Ya, there is. She's a selfish, immature 33yr old woman who's never had to shoulder any responsibility (other than raising kids, but hey, I do that too PLUS provide 100% financially), puts herself #1, the kids #2, her parents #3, and me somewhere under that, who gets God knows what kind of comfort living with her parents.

I mean, what does it tell you about her that she says she/we would/could be happy living somewhere, anywhere else than were we currently do? Does that sound like a woman that's running from some horrible living conditions? She has told me on numerous occasions "you dont even consider my happiness" in relation to WHERE WE LIVE. Hello! Until late January I WAS THE ONLY ONE WORKING, and it was a job you just can't walk away from. Ive told her time after time after time if I were to be transferred we would be gone ASAP. But in her mind we are here because this is were I grew up and my parents live here which is just total BS. I see my parents MAYBE once every 6 weeks. Ill go ANYWHERE that I can get a job and provide for my family. If you want to know the truth of the matter, Ive told her a few times "can your dad get me a job where he works?" What does that say about my willingness to live anywhere? Yet to her happiness is in her parents basement.

I still love this woman. I Don't want to break my family up. She claims she still loves me but at this point that getting hard to believe. We went through counseling several years ago and it worked for the 6mo or so that we went. But if you ask her now that counselor we saw was "full of shiz, she didnt agree with what he said, etc." 2 weeks before she left I told her "YOU pick a councellor, we need help."

If you want to know the truth, there has been serious pattern of this type of behavior. Way, way way back, when we only had 1 kid and things were a lot simpler, we lived in the same town he parents lived in, that's where we met. At the time she had had a falling out with her parents and hadn't spoken to them in several months. We (together,not just me) had decided to move to get away from them. 2 days before we were to leave Im not sure what happened but somehow she ended up at her parents house, talked to her dad ALLLLLL day long, came home and guess what? "Im not leaving!"

Finally a few years later we ended up where we currently live. (I say we because IMO this is still her home). She would go back to her parents every summer for a few weeks to visit, and they certainly never made ANY attempt to come visit us. Basically she went on vacation while I stayed here and worked, usually worked a TON of overtime to make some extra cash. For the first IDK how many years that she went there, EVERY SINGLE TIME it was a struggle and a fight and begging and pleading to get her to come back. She just has some kind of psychological crutch wanting to live with or be around her parents. I remember on one occasion she called me 2hrs before her plane was to take off and said "Im not coming." But she eventually made it to the airport on time.

Also of note, here is a woman that is living in her parents basement with our kids, but cannot stand her mom. I mean, yes, she loves her mom, but her mom is the witchiest, rudest, nastiest woman Ive ever known. Her mom NEVER EVER EVER has anything nice to say to her own daughters, its either my wife's clothes or hair or makeup or something. Her mom undermines her authority with our kids, she cuts her down as a mother, she just generally never has a kind or supportive word. Im not exaggerating here either. I hear these stories on almost a daily basis. I really cannot fathom how she can live in that environment. She gets along with her dad, but from what she's told me growing up she was physically abused by him, she was kicked out of the house several times. It just wasn't a good situation. Yet now, you'd think she had the most wonderful relationship with her parents growing up. Its nuts.

Im not begging for anyone's sympathy here. Sure, you are only seeing 1 side of the story, Im sure my wife would paint a totally different story of me. Im not perfect but who is? I have always, always, always put my wife #1. That's how I was brought up. My wife to me is even more important than my kids. A wife is an extension of the husband. Kids obviously are very, very important, but IMO your spouse is THE most important person in you life. We have very different upbringings. I was the youngest of 5 kids. She is an only child. I grew up in a very strict, religious house. She had never been to church until I took her the first time when she was almost 20. We have severe differences of opinion on how marriage should be, and to be quite honest its only intensified over the last few years. IMO the internet has been a HUGE negative influence on our life. She visits a lot of "womens/mothering forums" and Ive seen what goes on there. Its nothing but stay at home moms ragging on their husbands. Ive seen some of the things she's said about me and I was just floored. I NEVER EVER EVER would say things like she said. She claims it was her way to "vent." IMO she's too easily influenced by everyone but me.

Didn't mean to write a book here. In fact the post was short initially, but I edited a few times. Just wanted to get some of the backstory in there. Truthfully, if this were someone else in this situation, Id probably say "that guy is a chump, a sucker, and should have dropped that woman an LONG time ago." But how do you do that when you still love someone? At this point, yes, I can acknowledge that her behavior is likely never going to change. We could live in Tinbucktu and probably still have the same issues.

You know, we moved to the frozen tundra of Ohio almost 10 years ago (with the intent to be here 5) we moved away from my entire family, whom I am very close with. I am a southern girl and love warm weather. Let me tell you, when the first snow comes until the last flake has fallen - I turn into the most awful witch. I hate Ohio - it's not home to me - I don't like the snow, I don't like the cold, etc. This kind of attitude trickles into everything else and causes problems. Have I wanted to end my marriage because of geography? No. But, when you are in a constant bad mood over something that you don't feel like you have control over - it will affect other things.

Now, I got the impression from your posts that you, deep down, don't respect your wife. The fact that you said that she doesn't work, she doesn't contribute, she doesn't get a say in where we live. That tells me that you don't value what she does do for the family.

She may have moved into the basement - and hasn't filed for divorce yet, because she wants you to make the grand gesture and come and get her. Make the move.
By not coming or entertaining moving - especially since you were laid off (and I get your reasons for it - she doesn't) you are telling her that money or something is more important. There is nothing holding you there now - she wants you to come to her. Why else would she be dancing around not sending the kids. GO TO HER. Nothing else is more important than your family. You will make it work.

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Originally Posted by NowWhat

Now, I got the impression from your posts that you, deep down, don't respect your wife. The fact that you said that she doesn't work, she doesn't contribute, she doesn't get a say in where we live. That tells me that you don't value what she does do for the family.

You need to re-read my post. I said "she doesnt contribute FINANCIALLY" so you tell me, you think she has the right to tell me "we are moving here and you will get a job here to support us here"?

And as far at the "just go get her" comment, she told me point blank tonight she isn't coming back ever.

Anyway, just let this thread die. At this point I guess a lawyer is my only option :(

I read the post. I did. I still got that impression. I am a stay at home mom, and you and my husband sound a lot alike when it comes to what we contribute. And I feel disrespected a lot sometimes. So, I was trying to give you something else to think about.

I am sorry that she told you that tonight - I know you did not want this.
Good Luck to you.

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Anyway, just let this thread die. At this point I guess a lawyer is my only option :(

Couples counseling may help more than a lawyer, or for you individually as we all can see how you don't respect your wife since she stays home. If she isn't willing you go yourself.

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Originally Posted by NowWhat

I read the post. I did. I still got that impression. I am a stay at home mom, and you and my husband sound alot alike when it comes to what we contribute. And I feel disrespected alot sometimes. So, I was trying to give you something else to think about.

I am sorry that she told you that tonight - I know you did not want this.
Good Luck to you.

Ok, I want to ask you a ? As a stay at home mom. Do you do the majority of the stuff around the house? Just your general cleaning and straightening and so forth? Or do you watch TV and sit on the internet all day, let the house go to pot, then complain that your husband "doesnt do enough around the house to help out" when he get home from work?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Couples counseling may help more than a lawyer, or for you individually as we all can see how you don't respect your wife since she stays home. If she isn't willing you go yourself.

If you can insinuate from my comments that I "dont respect my wife" Id really like to know your thoughts on her respect for me if you were able to see inside our lives for a few days. :rolleyes:

You attitude has been lousy, and pertinent info is like pulling teeth, so that's all I have, and since you never posted about what she did, how would anyone know. Just by the way you relate to those who try to help, I feel counseling would help you a lot. Your free to do what ever you want.

Can a mod delete this thread please?

Thanks

I can see where your anger is coming from. You work hard to support your kids, and wife and she is bored with house, you and the kids and lets it go. You say she is # 1 in her eyes. Well that is what she was taught by her parents. They put themselves before her (emotions). If her parents were abusive this is where most of her problems come from. If her mom was not nurturing I doubt if she knows how to be after all who should have taught her that . She probably wants to live close to them in hopes of gaining their approval. It's sad to say but their version of you being an ****** is probably all that they agree on. That is how they connect with her, this is when she is feeling like they love her and she wants that more than anything in the world. So you get to be the scapegoat for their family closeness. I see your anger but I also see that you love your wife and kids. I don't know what to tell you to do , but if it helps I do not think that you are totally in the wrong. I am all for women just go look at some of my post, but sir I feel like you are getting the shaft, but stop being so defensive it will not get you anywhere. Read some books on parental abuse, I'm surprised that she doesn't abuse drug, alcohol, shopping, sex usually people that are trying to escape pain use some type of substance for their medication. Good luck

Let see, what do I do all day... I raise another human being - in hopes to produce a productive, respectable adult. That being priority one! I didn't quit my job in the professional world to become a maid.
Then, since I am home all day, I clean the house, I do all the laundry, I plan the meals, shop for those meals, cook those meals, clean up from those meals. I pay all the bills (according to my husband - no I don't "pay" the bills, I write the checks), I manage the money. I am "on" 24/7 because my "job" is never done. I don't get a day off or true "me" time.
I make sure my child is involved in outside activities, so I enroll her and make sure she gets to whatever commitment she has.

You asked - I am telling you. This is my life. I only have one child - you have 4. I could see where things could be let go. There are days that I just can't get up enough whatever to clean or I don't feel like cooking, so we order pizza. I have those days.

And your original question - since she doesn't contribute financially, should she have the RIGHT (? ) to say where you live? Absouletly. You should view this relationship as 50/50 partners. Just because she doesn't get a W2 at the end of the year - doesn't mean she doesn't work. And in statements like these - that is where I see you not respecting her.

And another thing - If you do not want a divorce, regardless of what she is telling you, then man up and fight for your family! Show her that you love her and want her and your family.
I am not trying to offend you - so please don't take it that way - just trying to give you a different prospective.